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Gutted and feeling such a fool

(48 Posts)
BestestBrownies Tue 20-Aug-13 15:51:50

I hope this doesn't turn into an essay, but I'm trying not to drip feed.

I left my unhappy marriage in October last year and moved to Italy for a fresh start, new job etc in early December. The last thing on my mind was starting a new relationship. I wanted to be single and selfish for a while, do my own thing, work on my confidence and do some serious soul-searching blah, blah, blah.

2 months in (late january), I joined a nice gym. Having no social life, I spent a lot of time there and joined the squash league to both get fit and try to make some friends. At this point I was still not really myself and sex/dating hadn't even crossed my mind.

To cut a long story short, I met a nice guy and we started playing squash together regularly (twice a week or so depending on work commitments), and I would often see him in the pool/jacuzzi and we'd chat, so realistically I was seeing him at the gym 4-5 nights a week. At first I just thought he was nice, liked chatting with him and playing squash, but didn't fancy him.

Fast forward another 3 months to April and I begin to realise I'm looking forward to seeing him and starting to think that I might fancy him. We have a lot in common and get on really well. I also start to think he might like me as more than just a friend/squash partner too. I know already that he is divorced with a DS and 2 dogs, has his own successful business, lots of friends, a very similar upbringing to mine, doesn't drink or do drugs etc etc and is the opposite of what I have by now identified as my 'type' and learned to avoid. So things slowly start getting warmer between us. I am being very very cautious as I still don't feel ready to date anyone yet.

Then we start sexting each other (instigated by him). I feel great because I'm flattered he finds me attractive and I enjoy the titillation. No actual sex happens but we're finding out what we both like. I love the fact he is as open and liberal as I am (the ex was seriously repressed and uptight). This continues until late June with a few snogs and gropes thrown in, but I hold back from full sex because I don't like one-night stands or casual arrangements, but I'm not certain I want a relationship either.

We both have to travel a lot for work and both work long hours, and I can't take personal calls whilst I'm working, so we have fallen into the habit of WhatsApp/FB messaging if we can't talk in person. We have also only been on a couple of actual dates not involving being at the gym. I know these things are usually red flags, but there was good reason for them.

So 5 weeks ago we finally had sex. It wasn't the best I've ever had, but it was pretty good and I really needed the release after having at best mediocre sex with my ex husband for the last 12 years. He had to get an early flight the next morning so our goodbye was pretty rushed. Then he went a bit cold in the days afterward, and I had to leave for another city for the whole summer with work. He text me around 5 days later, but I was feeling hurt by his earlier coldness, so acted cold back.

We then ignored each other for 3 weeks until I decided to send him a laying-my-cards-on-the-table message on FB, to which he responded saying he really liked and missed me, was sorry for his behaviour and didn't want to lose me. Great I thought, I was just being over sensitive. So then things carried on as before with us in daily contact via text/FB (normal as well as sexting), for the next week. Then he goes on holiday and goes quiet again.

I thought, OK we've cleared the air already and he's gone away on holiday (I assumed with his DS), so I'm not worried, I'll see him in September and all will be fine. Then a few days ago I went on FB and he is with a (very attractive), woman. He has tagged himself with her at different restaurants etc over several days. At first, I just assumed he'd met up with a friend there and they were catching up (He has lots of male and female friends, I am not a naturally jealous person and I believed his sentiment to be genuine in his message).

Then last night I saw a picture that she had taken and tagged him in. It was her hand resting on top of his with plants tied around both their ring fingers like the best cheesy wedding photo. When I looked at her page, she isn't from that city, she is from the one we normally live in, so is clearly on holiday with him.

I FB messaged him last night about it. No drama or accusations, just that the picture looked very intimate and asking where we stand with one another and if he's already dating someone else. He has seen it this morning, but not replied.

So wise Mumsnetters, what would you think in my situation? And what would you do?

KellyHopter Tue 20-Aug-13 15:57:20

Oh Best, not a nice situation to be in.

Cut ties, look on it as a little foray into the world of singledom and getting back in the saddle (!)

Don't let it make you feel bad at all. Use it to help decide what you want to do, if anything, on the whole dating front.

BestestBrownies Tue 20-Aug-13 16:05:29

Thanks Kelly. It's obvious really isn't it? Now I see it all written down like that. I am so angry with myself for being such a gullible fool sad

topknob Tue 20-Aug-13 16:07:21

You did nothing wrong smile he is an arse clearly, don't feel bad x

Pawprint Tue 20-Aug-13 16:09:48

I think he was attracted to you, wanted a fling, or friend-with-benefits type 'arrangement'. I also think he liked sexting for the titillation etc.

However, it seems that he has met somebody and that, frankly, you have had a lucky escape as he sounds immature and flakey.

BestestBrownies Tue 20-Aug-13 16:15:52

I know you're right, but I'm just so shocked. He seemed so nice and normal and it's not like I jumped in. I was really cautious. He must have already had this holiday planned with her when he sent me the lovely message saying how much he missed me and didn't want to lose me too. I just feel like shit now. Why does he think so little of me?

MrsDoomsPatterson Tue 20-Aug-13 16:20:14

Dodged a bullet there! Concentrate on you, don't look back, use everything as a learning experience & move on.

SirRaymondClench Tue 20-Aug-13 16:20:29

I'd be fucking furious with him if I was you.
He was clearly seeing her to some degree for a while to get to the stage of going on holiday. Was there no evidence on his fb page of this woman prior to his holiday? If I found out he had cheated on me with her or her with me, I'd be tempted to let this woman know what a prize she has in the duplicitous twat she is on holiday with!

BestestBrownies Tue 20-Aug-13 16:26:07

Hmmmmmm. So I just checked FB again to see if he'd replied. He hasn't. What he has done is written "FB is more real than reality. Anything published on FB is the absolute truth" which I could interpret as a passive-aggressive message to me.

Is there any way that I could be reading too much into it and it's actually all innocent after all? <clutches at straws>

BestestBrownies Tue 20-Aug-13 16:29:40

I thought that SirRaymond. How could I not have noticed her before now? She doesn't have much of a presence on his page, and he really was in the gym with me most evenings before. Where did he get the time to reach the point of going away on holiday together with her?

What if I've just made a horrible mistake and it's somehow totally innocent? Like she's his cousin or something?

GilmoursPillow Tue 20-Aug-13 16:40:19

I doubt it's innocent (sorry) unless he forgot to mention his twin sister who he's very close to and has gone on holiday with.

Don't read too much into the FB status - it is most likely got more to do with what's going on his his life than yours.


GilmoursPillow Tue 20-Aug-13 16:41:25

Oops, started replying, wandered away then came back and finished without checking for other replies.

I doubt it's innocent or he would have told you, either before or in response to your message.

KellyHopter Tue 20-Aug-13 16:43:10

If its all a misunderstanding and he's a decent guy he'd reply to your message.
He may even reply and give you a roasting for making assumptions based on FB but he'd reply.

The fact he hasn't means he's a bit of a twit, regardless of whether you were mistaken or not.

Coconutty Tue 20-Aug-13 16:46:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BestestBrownies Tue 20-Aug-13 16:49:04

You're right Gilmours. I know the possibility of it being innocent is slim to zero. I'm usually such a good judge of character though. How was he able to fool me so easily? The bastard. I do feel sorry for the other woman too. I doubt she has any idea he shagged me only 5 weeks ago. I have no intention of telling her or anything, but as MrsDoom said, I have dodged a bullet. Unfortunately I liked him more than I even admitted to myself, and now I can't stop crying sad

Helltotheno Tue 20-Aug-13 16:51:11

I wanted to be single and selfish for a while, do my own thing, work on my confidence and do some serious soul-searching blah, blah, blah.

That was the plan A OP, remember?
Guy's a player, the early signs were there really weren't they?
You'll forget him about him when you let yourself any other gyms around?

Idiot... don't waste any more thoughts on him.

expatinscotland Tue 20-Aug-13 16:55:26

Move on. I agree with Coconutty. This guy just wanted to play.

ivykaty44 Tue 20-Aug-13 16:59:27

If it was anything innocent then you would have know that he was on holiday with this person - as what would he have to hide.

If he was genuine and upfront then he would have said "I am of on holiday with my cousin and ds etc etc"

he didn't so he is I am afraid playing you, this is not nice behaviour and I would now steer a wide berth even if there is a "simple explanation" why would there have needed to be any explination in the first place is he was not hiding stuff.

It does though make sense with him going cold after you slept together - I would now put this down to his guilt

sorry sad

Ezio Tue 20-Aug-13 17:00:53

Brownies First relationship after long term dont normally last, think of him a test subject.

You've you got the idea on what you need to look for, had the sex, so now just keep being fab.

He was just something to pass the time.

bestsonever Tue 20-Aug-13 17:07:25

I'd beware of any man who instigates sexting before you've become intimate and have an established relationship. Right there was the first red flag that you seem to have ignored although you were cautious in other ways.
May sound a bit idealistic, but if a meaningful relationship is what is preferred, then finding out what the other person's intentions towards a relationship are and if they are totally free to pursue that, before sex, will help to avoid future upset. Can only do this by asking the right direct questions during the time you take to know someone. This does not protect against liars, but at least you will know you have done the best you could to protect your feelings. Due to work or distance perhaps there seems to be a lot of second guessing rather than establishing the facts before jumping in ?
Put this down to an experience learned and move on.

Jan45 Tue 20-Aug-13 17:16:16

He's played you good and proper huh - he probably did and still likes you but the OW is giving him sex so there you have it.

Please don't think the woman is a cousin or a friend, she clearly is romantically involved with him, more fool her.

He's a snake of a man, kept all that quiet eh and is now ignoring your message on FB, delete, delete, delete.

Jan45 Tue 20-Aug-13 17:17:22

If a man is going hot and cold on the contact front it usually means one thing - he's getting it somewhere else.

BestestBrownies Tue 20-Aug-13 23:17:23

Thanks Ezio, your post made me smile smile

Bestonever - I did take the time to get to know him (or so I thought), and he told me he was single, divorced and looking for a relationship/not into casual sex, so that would make him a liar sad

I met up with a RL Italian female friend this afternoon and told her about it. Her take was that it could be innocent after all because he's Italian and culturally their platonic male/female relationships are a lot warmer and more intimate than ours here in the UK. She reckons they could well be just old friends after all and that she has herself been on plenty of perfectly innocent sexless holidays with her platonic male friends. I'd love to believe that, but I'm not convinced.

He still hasn't replied to my message or contacted me by text, but the picture has been removed from both his page and hers.

God, why is dating such a bloody minefield?

Bogeyface Tue 20-Aug-13 23:29:36

I think your friend sounds very nice, and also very naive sad

I might have given the platonic/cultural differences view a chance but for the fact that a) he hasnt replied b) the PA status and c) the removal of the picture. Its all there.

I rather suspect that he has been with her for a long time and she has no idea that he is playing around behind her back. Definitely dodged a bullet.

The problem with finding Prince Charming is the frogs you meet along the way!

hashtagwhatever Tue 20-Aug-13 23:43:37

I see the picture removal as a good thing?.

may be alone here, but wouldn't he have to explain as to why
he has taken the picture down to the woman.

Don't really understand his fb status though?

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