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She's just not that into me..........

(95 Posts)
LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 17:14:36

So why do i bother with her? A new mum came onto the scene at DDs school last year and I really liked her. She is pretty and really great company - being with her makes me feel good about myself which is weird because i suffer from self esteem issues and she is probably the picture of everything id like to be, but the opposite of me in reality.

She has recently split with her DH and I have tried to offer her kindness, invited her out, gone out of my way to talk to her at the school gates. She does come out with our small group of mums during school times but has now dropped off the radar for the summer, refused invites to events ith the kids etc. Although been to a few that i have been on.

She has always been friendly and shared quite alot about her situation etc, i really thought she would make a good friend and we could have a laugh etc.

Our DDs don't get on particularly well but they play together if we all meet up after school.

I do get the distinct - "im not interested in being your friend" vibes from her. This is her perogative of course and i do think she is the sort of person who can pick and choose friends etc, popular, a bit of a people magnet etc, has a group of friends who are very chic and a bit of the "in crowd" I am certainly not that and don't really want to be (i dont think)

So why don't i get the fecking message and stop asking her to things? not bother to wait to walk back with her from school etc??? I am probably coming across as a bit of a loon hmm. There was someone else before this, who i felt the same about although i did all the running she blatantly was only interested if no one else avail or wanted my DP to do work in their house etc. She actually turned out to be not a very nice person in the end, other people saw this long before me - although i sort of knew. I am starting to feel this new woman is similar - not a cunt or anything but the sort of person who would drop someoen at the drop of a hat if a better offer came along. Saying that, she doesn't encourage a friendship.

Makes me sad really, i often feel not good enough.

IslaValargeone Sat 03-Aug-13 17:23:34

Well, perhaps because your kids don't get on particularly well, she is mixing with people who her dd is more friendly with?
Other than that,you say you have self esteem issues and often feel not good enough. Are you relying on other people to make you feel good and perhaps getting a little bit obsessive about their company as a result?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 17:40:12

Isla, i think there is an element of what you describe going on there, but i was hoping for a friendship that wasn't just a mummy friendship which is what i have with other people. We are friends so the kids can play together.

I don't tend to be obsessive about it as a rule, but have found myself doing just that with this woman. Im not sure if she has noticed.

swallowedAfly Sat 03-Aug-13 17:57:45

there's a bit of an elephant in the room here but really don't know if i should mention it. have you ever had relationships with women or been attracted to women? it's just... maybe there is a vibe you're giving off that you're not conscious of but others - two women who you've felt very attached and drawn to - are.

i'm really not trying to be sarcastic or anything here.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:02:04

swallow grin Maybe it is a bit of a girl crush, but i don't think i'd want to be dtd with a woman if it came to it. At least i don't think so.......

We have actually had the "would you" discussion, i am in the probably not but never say never (not with her!) and i think she said similar - however i woudl most definately not be her type!!!!

swallowedAfly Sat 03-Aug-13 18:08:39

well then you laugh but most of what you say backs up my gut instinct reaction to your post.

it does sound like you're falling in love with these women. if you're sure it's not romantic or sexual then maybe you need to explore what it is itms. because it's something isn't it?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:20:07

I think falling in love is too much, but i do get what you are saying. I think its more about wanting to be "like" and liked by them more than anything else. I don't think i would have ruled out a same sex relationship in the past, but obviously with my DP now and monogomous. Also, it never happened so i don't think its that.

perfectstorm Sat 03-Aug-13 18:29:07

Honestly, I think you sound like you really want to be close friends with someone you like very much - you sound a little lonely - and so you may come across as a tad needy? Which is off-putting, because it feels like a demand, even when you really like the person.

Given you're obviously thoughtful and articulate, have you thought about a book club? Two really good friends of mine from totally different parts of my life -one was a childhood friend of my DH, the other a friend of mine from Uni - ended up Facebook friends, and when I said, wow, how lovely, how did it happen? It turned out they'd gone to the same London book club and hit it off really well. And yet they have nothing in common on paper except kindness, inquiring minds and great senses of humour... and a love of books. That way you get to meet a lot of people in a regular way, with a set and interesting topic of discussion that is wholly inclusive. And it would just be for you.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 18:32:53

when I read the first 2 paragraphs, I was convinced you were a guy. In fact even when I read right to the end you sounded like a guy.

Is this genuine?

Because you sound as if you are 'coming on' to her ( and the previous woman) not as a friend but as a potential lover- all the talk about her being pretty, makes you feel good etc.


MortifiedAdams Sat 03-Aug-13 18:36:23

TBh some people dont have time for friendships, certainly not ones that may seem intense or require a lot of hardwork.

I work ft shiftwork and see my dh and dd less than is ideal. My friendships are all ones that do not rest on regular contact or a need to constantly keep in with the crowd. Thankfully the friends I have are similar.

If I met someone new tbh I would assess how much I would need to keep in contact with that person before I embarked on a friendship.

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 18:37:57

Why did you use that subject line at the start OP? You made it sound like a 'relationship' issue - YKWIM. Are you teasing us a little?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:44:45

Misbopeep - what is your point??? hmm I chose the title because of the film, which ihaven't seen, but i was being humourous, or at leat that is what i thought.

Perfectstorm - that is ironic as this woman does belong to a book club and i asked her about it and she said she was new to it so wanted to suss it out first (which i interpreted as, err, leave me alone!). I am lonely actually, i have quite a few mummy "friends" and seem to be developing quite a nice friendship with one in particular, who is lovely and we seem to like each others company. I think this other woman reminds me of who i was before i had kids etc if that makes sense, someone to have nights out with as i miss that sort of frienship. One that isn't about the kids etc. I used to have a "best friend" years ago - we were very close (not THAT close) and it was good - since i have been with DP he has been my best friend and thats good too. I think its that at the moment i don't feel my friendships go beyond the superficial. I am not working just now and that may be an issue. I maybe will have to look up another book club smile Generally i often prefer male or mixed company to mainly women. I think your post kind of sums up my situation quite well.

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 18:45:20

Go on your gut instinct,you've gone out your way to be nice
Is it reciprocated?if yes there's a potential friendship, if no cut your losses
It takes lot to initiate new friendship,but needs to be mutually beneficial

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 03-Aug-13 18:48:03

When people come across as needy, it is really offputting, both when its romantic and in friendship.
I think you need to take a step back, be more casual and not come across as clingy.
Who instigated this 'would you' chat?
Perhaps she is stepping back because you are appearing interested in her in a way that does not interest her?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:48:09

Mortified, that is a fair point and i accept that - i don't think she wants to have close friendship and thats her perogative, yet i still find myself inviting her to things, wanting to spend time with her etc. When i know she isn't that fussed. That was my point of the thread really - as in, i should just get the message and move on - im nice, people like me, but i never seem to get close to folk if that makes sense.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 03-Aug-13 18:50:35

That sounds really harsh.
I wasnt putting you down. Just speculating how you may come across so you could choose to change it if you felt you wanted to.

It is sad but true that the more we show ourselves to really need, the more others want to put some distance.

scottishmummy Sat 03-Aug-13 18:51:48

So stop asking her to do stuff.if your getting the not interested vibe
Read the vibes,don't be needy
It's not a war of attrition you can't wear her down to like you

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:52:12

Hecsy - i dont think it was me, i can't remember, i think it was another friend actually. I don't think she was put off by that - we were just having a laugh about it. We both said we would but have never met anyone we "would" with - i wouldn't want to have sex with her.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:52:53

scottishmummy - yes you are absolutely right, and ive told myself this - yet i don't do it!

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:54:14

Hecsy, not harsh at all its what i think myself! I think ive always been like this

dirtyface Sat 03-Aug-13 18:55:15

the "in crowd" ?? "popular" ??

OP i don't mean this horrible but are you at school?

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:57:39

needy, not a lesbian!

Missbopeep Sat 03-Aug-13 18:58:23

Your subject line- it's what people say when they want to have a 'relationship'.

You don't have to know about any film.

Your entire post reads like someone who wants to have a relationship, not a friendship. I thought you were a man or a gay woman.

If that is not the case then maybe what you can take from this is that your language ( and the emotions behind it) are way OTT for a school gate friendship and it's no surprise that this person is running a mile if you come across to her in RL in the same way as your post here.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 03-Aug-13 18:58:43

no dirty, but it feels like it sometimes. I was just trying to explain the sort of person she is - lots of friends etc. I have acquaintances

Hissy Sat 03-Aug-13 18:58:57

I think the ishoos are HERS actually LEM. Perhaps she feels intimidated by how nice you are to her?

Perhaps her esteem is rock bottom?

Were you a victim of a controlling/abusive relationship previously? Sorry if I have you muddled with someone else.

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