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It's a losing battle trying to keep DP happy (housework, kids, work etc)

(76 Posts)
SlugBotherer Mon 15-Jul-13 09:31:38

God I don't even know where to start but I feel like it's a constant uphill struggle trying to keep my dp happy.
One issue is the house. I've never been houseproud (probably because I've never had a house to be proud of) but we've just bought a beautiful house and I love it so much - I am very proud of it and I constantly clean and tidy it yet DP will always find something I've not done. Like the time I spent all day cleaning the bathrooms, bedrooms, living room, sorting everyone's clothes wash and iron, rearranging the dining room - dp complains that I'd left a medical card on the living room floor. Yesterday it came to a head when dp went in ds's bedroom and found chocolate mashed into the carpet. He had a go at me about it saying I should be monitoring the kids bedrooms and then made some joke about how it was "team slug and ds" going out of our way to wreck HIS house. This upset me because I've always worried that this house is more HIS and we're just living here and he's always maintained its OUR house despite the fact that it's his income that allows us to pay the mortgage so when he said that it kind of confirmed that he does see it as HIS house more than OURS. So he said I should be keeping on top of things and not letting the house become a pigsty - forgetting of course that I'd been out in the garden all day in the scorching heat painting woodwork to make our beloved house look nice - yet he says I don't care about it.

Then he gets on about DS's behaviour saying I have to keep on trying to nurture him and not let him get out of control (he has behavioural issues). I argued that I DO keep a close eye on him and do everything I can with him so he said "yeah well don't just take a back seat and relax now thinking everything is an easy ride now because I'm here, you need to do it too" shock so hurtful he's basically accusing me of living off him.

I'm a full time nursing student so work 13 hour shifts as well as study for exams and assignments PLUS I've just landed myself flexible hours on the nursing bank to get us some extra money. He's not happy about that either - he says he is but I can tell he isn't.

See in one breathe he's saying we need me to work so that we can afford luxuries, holidays, savings etc - I agree. Yet when I go to work (either placement or paid work) he has a face on saying the housework doesn't get done, we never see each other and the kids are being left to run riot because I'm not around.

I just can't win. I feel like it's a constant struggle to make him happy and nothing I do is ever good enough. His mum seems to appreciate my existence more than he does.

What smarts is that HE leaves his clothes on the bedroom floor, HE leaves his facial hair in the sink, HE leaves mugs lying around - the dining room which he uses as a computer room is a complete and utter TIP with all his stuff lying around. So it's not even as if he is genuinely OCD about tidyness, it seems like he just looks for an excuse to have a go at me or cause an argument.

Fairylea Mon 15-Jul-13 09:35:07

He is a bully and an arse.

You don't need to change, he does. If he doesn't or won't I feel you'd actually be better on your own... less stress!

Skintorama Mon 15-Jul-13 09:38:18

He's a cock.

But I'm pretty sure this is you again, and we've all told you 1,000,000,000 times that he's a cock, so you won't listen.


TurnipCake Mon 15-Jul-13 09:38:40

You are in a relationship with a nasty, bullying, controlling arsehole, of course he wants it to be a losing battle - it keeps you in your place.

AnyaKnowIt Mon 15-Jul-13 09:38:46

He is setting you up to fail.

He is a twat of the highest quality order

Kiriwawa Mon 15-Jul-13 09:40:08


CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 09:41:14

"I just can't win. "

If you can't win it's because he's deliberately setting you up to fail in order to control you. He knows you're the type that wants others to be happy and will try harder and harder in order to make that happen. So he picks holes and criticises your efforts so that, like a hamster on a wheel, he's going you constantly running to get nowhere.

As you're not married I would be very worried about this 'HIS' house business, especially if you were to have enough one day and leave. Are you on the deeds as well as the mortgage? Is it legally the property of both of you?

In short, you're being bullied. I'd encourage you therefore to stand up to him and reject his stupid criticisms, because you'll never make him happy and there's no point trying.

ohforfoxsake Mon 15-Jul-13 09:42:36

The only changes you need to make are redefining the boundaries of your relationship.

You are not the hired help (he'd probably treat an employee better anyway). Stop doing it all. Explain to him about shared parenting and responsibilities, draw up a list of jobs if necessary, get a cleaner.

Don't put up with it. It stops now and he needs to change, not you.

BartyFottom Mon 15-Jul-13 09:42:40

He sounds horrible.

How much does he do in the house? And, maybe even more importantly, is it just you who feels you have to 'keep him happy' or does he try and 'keep you happy' too?

I have a feeling that the more you do, the more he will find to criticise.

BartyFottom Mon 15-Jul-13 09:43:32

Oh yes, I almost forgot: LTB.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 15-Jul-13 09:46:09

Leave him in HIS house and let him fester - ughhh, he sounds disgusting

MorrisZapp Mon 15-Jul-13 09:47:56

Why would you choose to be with somebody like this? He is a vile twat.

stainesmassif Mon 15-Jul-13 09:48:26

What are you looking for with this thread? It's not clear. You're describing ltb behaviour, but haven't asked a question.

colditz Mon 15-Jul-13 09:50:27

He's a prick. Don't waste your energy trying to keep him happy. If you are the main carer for your son, and named on the mortgage, then for all intents and purposes it is YOUR house regardless of who pays the mortgage, so stop trying to please a man who can't be pleases.

bakingaddict Mon 15-Jul-13 09:54:05

Life is too short constantly trying to make somebody happy who rejects you

You need to ask what makes you happy? Does that include him at all? What about him makes you happy? Ask yourself these questions and it will put you in a better position to move forward with your life

LadyClariceCannockMonty Mon 15-Jul-13 09:55:12

He's a wanker. Leave him.

SlugBotherer Mon 15-Jul-13 09:55:45

I suppose my question is WHY?? Why does he do it? he see's how stressed out I get, he sees how hard I'm working, he sees me trying to get money together for a holiday, he sees me going into school to try and sort out DS yet it's just never good enough.

We went to a family do last weekend where his mum got quite drunk and told me I'd made her son so happy and she was so pleased he met me, she was upset that he late husband never met me as he'd love me and would love how I'd turned her son's life around and she said it's obvious to everyone that we're soul mates and love each other very much - yet I just don't get that vibe from DP. All I get is that I do his head in and I'm just not good enough. If it was up to his mum we'd be married with kids of our own before long - yet he doesn't share that enthusiasm at all. It's so upsetting and lately I've found myself half thinking of a two year plan - if things are no better then or if he doesn't show some interest in genuine commitment (marriage), I'll give up. But can I last two years like this? what if it gets worse? and the house - I'm putting everything I have into it yet deep down I know it's not mine and I'll probably end up having to leave it at some point. I love him - which is why it's so, so difficult

BartyFottom Mon 15-Jul-13 09:58:14

Why waste another two years?

OctopusPete8 Mon 15-Jul-13 09:59:04

I think you would be a lot happier. stress free the both of you without him,

how much does this wonderful husband/father do then?

I don't say LTB lightly but do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 09:59:39

"WHY?? Why does he do it?"

To control you. To keep the thought top of your mind 'how can I make DP happy?' rather than what you should be thinking which is 'why does he not care about making me happy?'.

It's manipulation through bullying and it always has to be challenged. I'd be very surprised if he asked you to marry him because, right now, he has exactly what he wants i.e. HIS house with you running yourself ragged like an unpaid servant.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 15-Jul-13 09:59:57

Why is he like it? Because he is a cunt, thats why

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 10:03:13

"But can I last two years like this? what if it gets worse?"

It'll get worse if you don't reject it out of hand. All the time he says 'jump' and you say 'how high?' you've no chance and your life will be increasingly miserable. If he says 'jump' and you say 'fuck off'.... you will retain your self-respect and you just might get his respect. But don't hold your breath. This sort don't really care about anyone other than themselves.

MrsOakenshield Mon 15-Jul-13 10:04:28

he sounds absolutely dreadful. Why does he do it: because he can and he enjoys it. You can't do anything about him enjoying it, but you don't have to put up with it. What is your response when he speaks to you like this?

NoComet Mon 15-Jul-13 10:04:59

Why does he do it?
He wants a house keeper with benefits, not a partner and a friend!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 15-Jul-13 10:06:25

"WHY?? Why does he do it?"

a book by an expert in such men dedicated to answering just that question

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