Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Not really sure what just happened with DH(251 Posts)
I got upset with DH last night because, once again, he didn't want to have sex. He says he's very tired/exhausted/just can't put the effort in right now (he is managing a stressful billion pound deal for various parties/clients, so responsibility all on him), even though I have asked him to make an effort with me to improve our sex life. I also ovulated last night and we had agreed while cuddling in bed that we were going to have sex, so I got ready for bed and came out to find him having left the bed and in the living room watching TV. He then turned all the lights off, said goodnight and turned over.
I (very calmly) pointed out that he had just said we were going to have sex. He said no I'm too tired and I got upset and said I really needed to have sex more than once every month (we are virtual newlyweds with no DCs) within our marriage because I loved the intimacy of it.
He then got extremely cross with me and started shouting. He said I made his life stressful and listed various jobs around the house I had not done (cleaning sofa covers, sewing buttons on his shirt etc) and told me I knew "nothing." "Nothing about sex, about relationships, about love, money, about hard work." He said he was trying to manage our lives and finances, protect and secure us money for the future after providing me with a great home and good life and here I was "offended," he was too tired to have sex.He carried on to say that I was not his equal, that being with me was like an adult being with a lazy child wanting her needs satisfied every day.
I told him that I had not accused him of anything I had just told him something I wanted and I understood how much pressure he was under and please don't make it so personal and bring our entire relationship into question, but the fuse was already lit (he has a tendency to go off on one once he's started.) so most of the night he starts accusing me of things - that I will definitely cheat on him because my sex drive is so high and he can't satisfy it. That I must be mentally unhinged. He then leaves the room and comes back in and tells me he's decided I'm depressed and I need help (I'm not.)
I recently got sacked from a job and lost one of my close friends and he turns both into something that is my fault - you're lazy, you don't work hard enough, your friend X is a shit friend, but so are all of your friends you can't rely on any of them - if you really want to put the world to rights, start with your shit friendships and forget your dissatisfaction about sex.
On and on until 4am.
He provides everything and works very hard. I do work (did until I got sacked last week) and I am not lazy, although I admit I am not the most practical person on earth.
At 4am once his stream of consciousness/accusations have run out, he starts poking me under the covers and pulling my knickers down. Now, of course, is not the time I feel like having sex. So I say no and he uses that as yet more fuel for the fire of my "fickle, satisfaction-based personality."
Have woken up this morning and feel like I'ce been hit by a bus. What do you think has happened?
What's happened is that you're in a very bad relationship with a man that wants everything on his terms and hurls blame and insults when he's not getting his own way. A stressful job is no excuse for behaving like a shit. Don't have children with this man.
Sorry to be blunt, but this reminds me of a situation my close friend found herself in: did you marry a homosexual?
You are married to an arse.
A man who calls YOU mentally unhinged, depressed, pre-emptively accuses you of cheating, rants at you until 4 a.m., and then tries to have sex with you is not any kind of life partner or future father.
Get back on birth control while you think this one through. Do not get pregnant by this man, however much you may want children. He is not the right father.
What just happened?
He showed his true colours.
I think he's under a huge amount of stress at work
You're not his equal?? Really??
I couldn't forgive that one. He sounds obnoxious.
The fag end of a tiring day is not when you can talk about feelings- offended or otherwise. Goes for both of you.
Revisit this conversation in the cold light of the day in neutral settings, not the bedroom. See if he still reacts unreasonably. You will have your answer then...
"he has a tendency to go off on one once he's started."
Everyone loses their temper from time to time but the name for people who behave like that is 'a bully'.
That's not acceptable behaviour, even in the context of a row, and you do need to talk to him about it when things are calmer.
There were a few things that indicate he's under a lot of stress - that does NOT excuse his behaviour, but it is worth making sure you're acknowledging them as part of normal life. Not only is his job stressful but he's the only earner ATM. Were you made redundant or sacked? Not passing judgement but if he's feeling pressure of being the sole earner he's likely to be resentful if he thinks your lack of work is your fault.
How does he really feel about having children? I'm guessing you're ttc as you mention that you're ovulating. Might it be worth slowing that down until the pressure eases? Don't know how practical that is for you, sorry. Do you need to be in work when you fall pregnant so you get maternity benefits etc? Could he be thinking along those lines or am I way off?
As I said, this doesn't excuse the behaviour and if it is repeated, or the escalation of previous behaviour, I'd be thinking really carefully about whether this is the relationship I want, never mind the man I want to be the father of my children.
Couldn't have been that tired to rant until 4am
Thank you. He said some barely forgivable stuff. What confuses me is that he always holds his initial hurt (ie my upset with him for not wanting sex) as the ultimate insult - and that anything he slings at me after that is just him defending himself, in his view.
Our arguments follow the same format every time. I get ruffled about something small, he finds it offensive, vents his spleen for hours, I tune out and ignore him, then the next day we go back to normal (and both take into account what the other has said.)
What's different about this time is that his insults have hit me harder and I can't tune them out. It was a whole variety of things I feel particularly sensitive about.
From this: "he has a tendency to go off on one once he's started." it sounds as if he has behaved like this before, only it is now getting worse.
I agree that at least he is a bully, possibly he is abusive and his abuse is escalating.
He does not sound loving at all. for you, your relationship, at this stage, should still be wonderful.
Um. I second what hotDAMN says, most importantly that you do not have children wirh this man, he sounds completely arrogant and obnoxious.
BerkshireMum his concerns always are very practical and not emotional. He can worry over money and finances til the cows come home. I appreciate having a DH who is so practical when I am not. He really wants children and persuaded me round to the idea and now I want them too. I'm just so confused.
Agree with the posters that say don't have children with this man; at least, not yet.
I never say LTB as it is difficult to summarise a life ib a forum post. BUT his own excuse or reason that he is so stressful and house is messy etc. its enough not to have children yet. Those arguments wull be 100 times worse with sleepless nights and the life change of a new baby. The house will be a lot messier and it souns like he is not going to cope with the messy change (although happy one) of having a baby and even more stress.
About saying that of your friends, I am extremely protective of that and would be very cross with him. Your personal life is very important too.
Speak to your husband. Put the idea of children out of your mind for a while. How long will it take him to secure this deal?
It sounds as though your wish to be sexually intimate last night was tied up with wanting to conceive a child.
However if you were to become pregnant you would - at least inititally - become more dependent on your partner.
In some relationships it is pregnancy that triggers increasing abuse. I'd suggest that until you have resolved some important issues, you use effective contraception.
" I tune out and ignore him, then the next day we go back to normal (and both take into account what the other has said.) "
Oh dear.... Much as I hate to say it, this is gearing up to be the classic emotionally abusive cycle. Completely irrational and excessive outburst full of blame, personal criticism and insults... the victim choosing to keep quiet (tune out) rather than make it worse.... the atmosphere calming down and allegedly 'back to normal'.... the victim left feeling hard-hit and very wary to raise particular subjects again. The bully having taken nothing into account but behaving exactly the same way the next time
This is a bad relationship OP.
"I appreciate having a DH who is so practical when I am not. "
He is not your superior...
Ignore the 'you are mentally ill' 'you are depressed' comments- every man I know has said that at some point- it is argument bullshit.
What are your expectations- sewing buttons on shirts and cleaning sofa covers sounds like a very traditional marriage... Are you devout Christians or Muslims? Is that what you are happy with?
Sex once a month is a tiny amount for newly weds- did you ahve sex before you married? Did you discuss quantities?
Does he want a child? Sounds like that may be one step too far.
You need to decide what you want and your boundaries and then tell him calmly. If he cannot meet your needs, then it is not worth carrying on.
Article about Emotional Abuse
I'm not saying LTB... I am saying get wise to the way this kind of behaviour works and reject it before it becomes the pattern for your relationship.
"At 4am once his stream of consciousness/accusations have run out, he starts poking me under the covers and pulling my knickers down. "
He's also sexually aggressive if he can only get turned on by verbally abusing you.... Not a good trait in a person.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.