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Accidentally stumbled across photos of dp and his old 'real' family :-(

(63 Posts)
AnnieMonkee Wed 03-Jul-13 16:55:52

Looking for photos he'd uploaded for me on his computer I stumbled into the wrong folder and hundreds of photos came up of his old married life. Holidays, birthdays, festivals, days out, playing around the house, relaxing in the garden, hugging their kids, they looked so happy together. 18 years of love, hugs, memories, kisses, laughter ... Photos of dp and his ex hugging and kissing, laying together in a field, wrestling in a tent with the kids joining in, matching wedding rings... Fuck I feel so deflated. What we have will never match that. We can't have kids and he doesn't think he'll evr want to remarry. We have photos together but he never looks "that" happy in them , more like smile for the camera rather than smile because of how happy you are. I know photos can be deceiving and he always says about how unhappy his marriage was but when you see the pics you can't help but feel 2nd best to the life he really wanted. I actually feel sorry for her too, she looked so happy and it must have took the strength of Goliath to finish what they had. (She filed for divorce).
I think secretly he still pines for this life, he always goes on about how much he misses his kids and being with them all the time, he always says he misses having a tidy well structured house (she was very house proud and I'm not), he goes on about how he's not used to having kids that misbehave so much) she was obviously better at parenting than me - god I just feel like the booby prize right now :-( and why has he kept the photos on his pc anyway??? The kids I can understand but pics of him and his ex wife snogging on the sofa etc?? Feel sick :-(

AnnieMonkee Wed 03-Jul-13 17:01:05

To add insult to injury - he's always gone on about how much he loved Glastonbury, how much it meant to him and how much he just "has" to go every year. His ex also loved Glastonbury (evident from the photos entitled "glasto 09" "glasto 10" "glasto11" etc :-(
This year he took me (first time he's been without his ex and kids). He was grumpy throughout and at the end I asked if he'd enjoyed it and he said "it was alright". The photos of previous glastonburys show he normally has a much better time than that... Guess it depends on the company :-(

Helpyourself Wed 03-Jul-13 17:09:18

Do you have anything to feel guilty about? How long have you been together for?
It's a strange feeling though. I remember feeling really unsettled at seeing a picture of a partner taken many years previously and feeling I'd missed the best of him.

GiveMumABreak Wed 03-Jul-13 17:09:49

Photos can be very deceiving! Don't allow this to get to you, I am sure his happier smile with ex is your imagination. The only advice I can give u is to make your own memories, and not live in ex wife's shoes by trying to recreate their favourite memories. If you feel you can I would tell him you saw the photos and feel sad, it would be good if he saved them off his computer somewhere, it's time to move on. Good luck!

BalloonSlayer Wed 03-Jul-13 17:11:06

Well flame me for stating the bleeding obvious but they can't have been all that happy if they got divorced, can they?

And if she was so wonderful how come he made her unhappy enough to divorce him?

And I'd wonder about the Glastonbury thing - I'd imagine if I ever went it would be something I'd be glad I'd gone to but probably wouldn't enjoy it at all all that much at the time. I imagine for some people the pleasure is in the bragging, all that "Glasto" shite.

He sounds like a real "the grass is always greener" sort of bloke. Don't let him drag you down. thanks

AnnieMonkee Wed 03-Jul-13 17:13:27

Nothing to feel guilty about, they were divorced before we met. I just wish I'd had that life with him, that he'd love me enough to marry me, that he'd hold me with that genuine look of love and familiarity that they had. We've only been together about a year and a half so I know our relationship is nothing on what they had.

AnnieMonkee Wed 03-Jul-13 17:17:23

Glastonbury was knackering - glad I've been but over the 5 nights we were there I can only remember a couple of occasions were I thought "yeah, I'm enjoying this". The rest of the time I was either too hot, too cold, desperate to go to toilet but scared of the filth or inhaling someone else's cannabis. But I felt in constant competition with his ex, almost as if I knew if I didn't pretend to love every minute of it, he'd start pining after her again :-(

AnnieMonkee Wed 03-Jul-13 17:20:44

Infant I'm always feeling in competition with the ex, running around trying to keep the house spotless etc and in hindsight he's always going on at me to wear shorts. I rarely do as I'm self conscious (tree trunk legs) yet I notice in the photos she was always in shorts, she however had the legs for it :-( god someone slap me please

Helpyourself Wed 03-Jul-13 17:21:41

I was asking in case that was clouding your reading of the pictures.
18 months isn't that long in a relationship. How has 'not getting married' come up? Do you want children with him? You sound like you feel he's not as invested in the relationship as you. Pictures aside (as Balloon says, they are literally just a snapshot, and not a reliable one at that) how's the relationship?

I've recently found some videos of me with xh and our kids. An outsider would think we were perfect.

We were not.

Eg - One was an Xmas video. I remember how disappointed I was about his efforts, how tired I was and how let down I felt.

On camera though we look like the fucking waltons.

Lweji Wed 03-Jul-13 17:22:45

If it helps, I haven't deleted photos from my laptop or albums, even those with ex, with whom I definitely do not want to get back with (DV).

I also have a photo in my wedding dress in the bedroom.

They are just there and I don't hate my previous life that much that I want to forget about it.

Lweji Wed 03-Jul-13 17:23:54

On the other hand, if he makes you feel lacking, do you want to be with him?
It sounds like he makes you feel like he can never match up.
and what does he do to keep the house spotless?

AnnieMonkee Wed 03-Jul-13 17:25:21

I want to get married (not now, but eventually) and we talked about it and he said his divorce cut him up so badly he couldn't ever imagine getting married again :-( so that's a part of him ill never have. We can never have kids either (biological) so I just feel as though our relationship will never be anything more than boyfriend/girlfriend. It's become more evident lately when discussing wills, the house etc - if anything happened to either of us, our relationship would barely be recognised. It makes me feel like shit

GiveMumABreak Wed 03-Jul-13 17:28:58

I think you need to be honest with him about how you feel, he's really the only one who can reassure you, or if the Talk doesn't go the way you'd like - at least you know exactly where you stand.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 03-Jul-13 17:32:18

Picture of me and ex H, toddler ds and brand new baby dd. We look so happy. Truth was he was cheating on me and had been for most of the four years we had been together. Two days after it was taken he disappeared on the piss for four days leaving me 2 weeks post section to care for ds and new born dd, no friends or family near by.

The camera doesn't tell the truth.

Namechangingnorma Wed 03-Jul-13 17:32:30

To be honest, he sounds like a bit of a knob who is quite enjoying having you running around trying to live up to the ex. Likelihood is, if you two broke up the next girlfriend would be being compared to you, nothing like keeping your parter feeling a little insecure! i would have it out with him about how you are feeling and make it clear you won't be secnd best to her or anyone else.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 03-Jul-13 17:36:44

When did he split from his ex? How long had he been single before you guys started seeing each other?

Sounds tough sad

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 03-Jul-13 17:37:27

Is he pining after her/missing his old life or are you reading into things which aren't there?

If he's not over her then he really shouldn't be in a relationship with you. But if you're just being insecure and he really is committed to you then that's different. But I'm a bit hmm about the comments you've mentioned him making, TBH. He doesn't sound that respectful of you.

Branleuse Wed 03-Jul-13 17:37:48

He sounds very critical and like hes not doing much for your self esteem.

You have nothing to prove to him or anyone. You are you. Not her. Not better, not worse. If you really think hes pining for her, then dump him.

Dorange Wed 03-Jul-13 17:47:02

not ready the whole thread but my ex husband had an ex girlfriend who was the love of his life apparently. I became obsessed with comparing myself and trying to be like her or better. at the end he left me because I wasn't being the real me.

Xales Wed 03-Jul-13 17:49:50

Why on earth do you want to tie yourself down with a man who complains about how much your kids misbehave and how much he misses his ex wife's nice clean & tidy house?

Being told how you are not as good, your kids are not as good etc will wear you down eventually.

Tell him this is who you are. This is who you will be. He either accepts you for who and what you are and stops the moaning or you will end up with no relationship.

ageofgrandillusion Wed 03-Jul-13 20:52:39

LTB - he sounds like a total bell-end.

ShoutyCrackers Wed 03-Jul-13 21:28:40

Leaving aside the photo thing.... why is he going on about 'missing a tidy home' and making comments about kids misbehaving? Are these your children he is making comments about? And do you live together?

If your relationship is generally good and you're having an insecure moment, then talk to him about it. I know it's hard but he should be reassuring and make you feel better.

If he doesn't, well, you have an answer don't you?

Hassled Wed 03-Jul-13 21:34:40

I agree with what others are saying - the photos aren't the problem; he's the problem. If he was making you feel loved and appreciated and secure, would you have given a shit about the photos? The "wear shorts, have well-behaved children, wear clothes you're not comfortable in" bollocks is not going to make anyone feel loved and secure. How do you feel the relationship is, aside from the photo stuff?

WafflyVersatile Wed 03-Jul-13 22:06:32

Why did his ex divorce him? Was he comparing her to his previous ex?

Doesn't sound like they've been split up for that long. Maybe he's not over her yet.

And telling you how you don't live up to a woman he has a failed relationship with isn't really very nice at all.

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