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He didn't even acknowledge that I'd just given him a BJ

(18 Posts)
FeelingInvisible13 Tue 02-Jul-13 11:15:18

Sorry for the name change and rather crude title but I don't know how else to put it. DP was very affectionate and attentive at the beginning of our relationship but now barely comes near me. We rarely have sex unless I initiate it and when we get into bed he doesn't touch me or caress me or do any of the stuff you'd expect your lover to do. I often stroke him, massage him, kiss his neck/belly/chest etc - I get none of that back. Just a quick kiss on the lips from him - nothing more than that unless by some miracle of god he fancies a shag and then he sticks his hands between my legs - no stroking, no caressing - just straight down to cold foreplay (if you can even call it that). I had it out with him, told him I felt like I needed more affection from him - he said he'd put more effort in. He came onto me for sex that night but again it was simply a case of sticking his hands between my legs and 'pressing buttons' - a bit like fiddling around with something until it does what you want it to. Not because you care about it, just because you need it to do something for you.
I had it out with him again. He said he didn't agree with me and that he does do all of the stuff I ask him to and more. He went on about how he does anything I ask him to around the house, building/fixing things, how he'll buy me whatever I ask for, how he'll do anything I ask him to - and yeah, he does do all that but the one thing I REALLY, REALLY need more than a new shed, a new dress, decking in the garden or a new bath installing - is affection.

So, Sunday morning, lazy day - we don't need to be up for anything and we'd had a lie in, I could tell he was more or less awake anyway so I start massaging his back and his shoulders in bed. He makes all the right noises so I'm assuming he doesn't want me to stop. I carry on, start kissing him, move my hands down and start touching him, he moves himself into a position to make himself more accessible to me - so I'm justified in thinking he wants me to carry on, right? I'll cut the details but the jist of it is I ended up giving him a bj. He came. And never said a word the entire time. Not whilst I was doing it, not after he came - nothing. It was like he didn't even notice I'd done anything. I'm feeling rather frustrated at getting no response so I move his hand onto me, he touches me for a few seconds and then stops. He couldn't even be arsed after that. He never did mention it. about 15 minutes later he just said about getting up and getting some gardening done. I was thinking "did you even notice????"

I had it out with him later. His excuse was "I was tired". I said "really? not too tired to let me carry on doing things to you though, right?" and he said "You would have got upset if I'd told you to stop".

AIBU to expect just SOME acknowledgement and .... god forbid .... the occasional spot of affection back??

Latara Tue 02-Jul-13 11:19:39

No, YANBU to expect some affection. He sounds lazy. I would have it out properly with him or try counselling of some kind.
Or go on a sex strike - except the danger is that he may allow it to continue.
You definitely need to have a serious chat to him; i wouldn't be happy with no affection if i were you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Jul-13 11:21:50

YABU for flogging this particularly lazy, if not actually dead, horse.... As lovers go, he's utterly crap and a waste of time. From what you describe, the only difference between you and an inflatable doll in his eyes is that you have a pulse. You're just the Vagina in his Monologue... Don't know how long you've been in a relationship with this insensitive, uncaring and selfish lump of lard but I don't think he's worth the effort.

FeelingInvisible13 Tue 02-Jul-13 11:22:14

I've tried the sex strike - it suited him too much to have any kind of affect. A bit like a dog deciding to go vegetarian to have a dig at his owners. It makes it cheaper for the owners, but the dogs ends up feeling worse than he did before.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 02-Jul-13 11:28:33

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Forget him for a minute. Why are you with such a person at all actually, you need to look at why you're still there.

Shellywelly1973 Tue 02-Jul-13 11:41:26

Op, your situation sounds so sad. Your dp obviously provides materially but we need much more...

I think you know your dp isn't going to change. The choice is yours. You need to decide whats important to you.

TalkativeJim Tue 02-Jul-13 12:00:39

Oh good God.

Leave, or at least start thinking seriously about it.

Lazy, selfish lovers are rarely enlightened, generous, engaged partners out of bed...

And someone who can't (or doesn't want to) see what the problem is is hardly going to change, are they?

Worst of all, you are TELLING your partner that you are unhappy and their response is basically - SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Time to move on?

onlyfortonight Tue 02-Jul-13 12:14:12

Walk away...I understand just how you feel, having experienced a similar situation myself. It was only once I had left that I then met a man that could really meet all my needs for affection. He's now my DH.

Everyone needs touch - hugs, kisses, snuggling up on the sofa and of course loving, affectionate sex. Could you imagine living your whole life with so little attention? Of course not...a living death. It sounds as if he has no understanding of your needs, and worse, doesn't care. Leave now.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Jul-13 12:16:11

Why are you with this ignorant twat ?

Just dump him already

Shakey1500 Tue 02-Jul-13 12:25:23

What's the point of staying?

You've spoken to him numerous times and he's STILL too fecking lazy and doesn't give enough of a shit about you emotionally.

I'd be packing my bags and telling him he's an inconsiderate twat and a shit lover on my way out the door.

oldwomaninashoe Tue 02-Jul-13 12:26:08

OP my first husband was like this, it never got any better, and I began to resent him and feel grossly unattractive, it flattened my self confidence.
I realised I couldn't live without physical affection, and he went.
I have been married for 30 years to my current DH and although our sex life is not so exciting as it was years ago, our love for each other is still expressed in a physical way.
Can you continue to live like this?
Do you think there is another reason why he appears not to be interested or bothered about your needs (ie are his appetites being satisfied elsewhere) or is he just lazy?

Wellwobbly Tue 02-Jul-13 14:34:38

BTDT - and felt as terrible.

He is emotionally removed. If you have tried talking to him more than once? - You have got your answer.

I don't think we really understand the emotional VOID that resides inside so many men. To him you are a 'thing', something that keeps his house for him and is a repository when he gets enough sexual tension up. A living, breathing feeling human being to connect with? What's that.

I really think Lundy Bancroft should be compulsory reading for girls at school.

I also think we need to be fully prepared more, to live alone instead of putting up with 'less than'.

He is not going to change, OP.

Wellwobbly Tue 02-Jul-13 15:19:01

Not a complete explanation: it is not that he knows, but can't be arsed, OP. It is that he IS EMOTIONALLY NUMB.

HE CANNOT FEEL. There is a VOID inside.

It is literally unbelievable for those of us who are in touch with our inner world.

But don't try to 'change' him, because he doesn't want to do that hard introspective stuff.

Your only choice is: is the payoff about dresses etc worth being treated like an object?
Is the fear of leaving big enough to keep you where you are?

I have only just emerged from this struggle, so wish you luck.

DonutForMyself Tue 02-Jul-13 15:47:37

he said "You would have got upset if I'd told you to stop" very generous of him to let you carry on hmm

He is spectacularly selfish, you've tried talking to him about what you need and he really doesn't care enough to try. He doesn't enjoy giving you pleasure for your sake or for his own, but when a man is not even bothered about you giving him pleasure I'd say its time to call it a day. My first thought was 'could there be an OW?' and I see someone else has mentioned it.

My X was the same, insisted that if he got more sex he would be more affectionate but couldn't understand that actually it worked the other way round - if he were more affection, he'd get more sex! In the end he too decided he wasn't that interested in sex at all.

FWIW my DP won't allow me to pleasure him first because he knows he'll be too tired to reciprocate afterwards, so we have a rule that I always come first (unless I sneak one in for him without expecting anything in return). He will tell me to take my time, that he enjoys watching me and that in itself is a turn on. What your bloke is not doing is insulting and lazy.

cronullansw Thu 04-Jul-13 02:13:10


From his PoV - whats the need to do anything to you and your bits after a lovely Sunday am bj?

He'd got his bag emptied, job done.

So your mistake was letting him finish. Should have got him hot and then led him onto to pleasuring you.

And please - my apologies in advance if you've tried this tactic before and not got any reward, I'm only making a suggestion.

As donut says, the lady should always come first. (and hopefully during, too)

cronullansw Thu 04-Jul-13 02:18:47


From his PoV - whats the need to do anything to you and your bits after a lovely Sunday am bj?

He'd got his bag emptied, job done.

So your mistake was letting him finish. Should have got him hot and then led him onto to pleasuring you.

And please - my apologies in advance if you've tried this tactic before and not got any reward, I'm only making a suggestion.

As donut says, the lady should always come first. (and hopefully during, too)

Lemonies Thu 04-Jul-13 02:47:38

Feeling your pain OP.
I too have been "lucky enough to get to suck him off" in the vain hope that I may get thrown a bone.

Forget him helping you need to take charge of your own happiness.

she says even though her own waste of space is still there

Lweji Thu 04-Jul-13 06:17:00

Yeah, not good at all.
I'd be moving on soon.

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