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the old 'strip club' issue

(57 Posts)
theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 12:56:00

Ok, so having read enough threads where women hadn't aired their views on strip clubs and then been upset that their partner had been to one I asked DP ages ago about his views, told him mine and thought we were pretty much agreed they were neither of our cups of tea. (I told him I'd purposefully not go on a night out if i knew in advance of a planned visit/would leave beforehand as I disagree with them so much).

He told me of an upcoming stag do that he thought sounded pants and was basically just strip clubs & a pub crawl in another town and said he's not going. Fine so far...I then mentioned something along the lines of 'yeah, sounds a bit dull, plus s'clubs aren't your cup of tea anyway are they'?

He then said what about when his BF gets married/other stag dos come up that he feels he should go to that involve them?

I just can't make myself ok with it. Whether it's male/female strippers. It's not insecurity, it just goes against my grain completely. I can see the appeal for people but i'd find the whole thing depressing & sleazey tbh & couldn't fully respect DP if he went to one.

I know that sounds OTT but it's just so ugh for me and a total turn off if someone finds it a turn on.

What should I say to him that doesn't sound controlling and insecure?
WIBU to just say 'look, you know how I feel about them and if you couldn't manage to leave before it got to the strip club or not go then I just can't be ok with that'?

I thought we were clear on it, which is what's pissed me off. I don't want this to be a deal breaker but it just is hmm

(In fairness he did say he had a friend that had a lap dance and the whole thing was depressing, he also said he'd never pay for a lap dance, full stop).

firstpost Mon 01-Jul-13 13:04:46

Having not so long ago started a thread on this, happy to offer my thoughts smile

You are his DP, you are absolutely entitled to say that you are not comfortable with him going. It could be that if he went, he would go down in your estimation and you would think less of him. It doesn't mean you are a crazy or jealous just perhaps that the whole thing is seedy and a bit yuck.

I still struggle with the fact my DH went to one on a work trip, no private dances, I do believe him on that. He did not disclose straight away because we HAD discussed it, and he knew I was not okay with stripclubs. I was at home pregnant looking after our toddler and the knowledge he went still makes me feel upset.

But hey, that's my story not yours. At the moment this is all preventable, he just needs to make a choice not to go smile

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:05:48

I think you are entitled to your feelings

I think you thought that you were both clear it was a deal breaker for you, and he respected that

Now he is backtracking and/or paving the way for an upcoming occasion where he knows he will be visiting a sex establishment ?

I can't tell you what to say, but I know what I would say

you can go, of course you can darling, but do remember, won't you, not to come home


theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:08:49

Ooo that would've really upset me firstpost considering the context.

I know i'd think less of him for a fact. I just don't know how to tell him without making it sound sanctimonious iykwim?

I can sort of see how it would be crap to go to another bar alone whilst you wait for them to finish but surely he could just go home, especially if he knew it would have a detrimental affect on us in the long run?

I'm not sure I can voice it to him if I'm not confident that i'm being reasonable, hence posting here! smile

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:09:55

made me grin AF

I'm being deadly serious when I say I'd probably have to leave as I'd not be able to see him the same way/respect him and you can't have a good relationship with someone you don't respect...

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:10:24

Why are you doubting yourself ?

It sounds like he is attempting to move the goalposts

That isn't ok

PeppermintPasty Mon 01-Jul-13 13:11:51

Your last post is therefore the perfect thing to say to him OP smile

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:12:40

I think it's more a case of possibly agreeing a bit but pretending to agree a lot more as it was early days iyswim? I don't think he remember the conversation so will jog his memory when I talk to him about this

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:13:17

Your honest opinion and feelings are the perfect response to him. Don't second guess anything else

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:16:27

I get the impression he wasn't too bothered about going to the first strip club occasion you mentioned because it was surrounding an event he wasn't too bothered about

Now someone closer to him is planning the exact same woman-hating, objectifying, pseudo male bonding activity over the tits and ass it is suddenly ok ?

Your man, m'dear, is a hypocrite

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:16:58

tbh it's the fact that it's so common for stag dos to involve the casual objectification of people as entertainment strip clubs that's making me feel unsure. I know many people on here feel the same way I do about it though so was hoping that posting would help me keep my nerve.

DP is generally very understanding, respectful, calm etc when i bring up something I'm uncomfortable with (not that it happens a lot) and would always rather I told him that kept it quiet and was off with him or in a worst case scenario dumped him out of the blue.

Yankeedoodlenic Mon 01-Jul-13 13:17:12

IMO strip clubs are gross and seedy and I've only been to one once and it was an awful experience. But then it is much different for men and women.

My DH went on a stag do for his best friend and it involved them going to a strip club - I wasn't exactly thrilled but I trust my DH so I was OK with him going. From what he reported back he didn't enjoy it and a group of them even got into a conversation with one of the girls about how she didn't have to that for a job... overall sounds pretty grim and isn't how I would choose to spend my evening. But that being said - when my DH goes out with the boys - my first and most pressing concern is how much money is he going to spend?!

I would hate to see the strip club thing become a "deal breaker" in a relationship - because peer pressure is a powerful thing and you don't want to put your DH/DP in the position of having his friends peer pressure him/mock him for going home because his DP said so. (These are presumably drunk men we are discussing here).

Plus, it sounds like if you put that sort of ultimatum to him you are just asking for him to lie to you about it and I'd rather know the truth and be a bit uneasy about it than be lied to. As long as he knows how you feel - he should be able to make an adult decision (hopefully the one you'd like him to make!)

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:19:46

Peer pressure is for teenagers, not grown men

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:20:14

I'm worried about him possibly lying about it, like you say, not that he's a liar, to my knowledge. I'm also worried about the drinking making peer pressure worse but if he can't resist peer pressure when he knows I hate it then that's pretty crap, isn't it?

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:21:51

If I thought my husband would lie to me if I put my foot down about something (that he knew I felt strongly about) for an easy life/to get his own way I would no longer stay married to him.

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:24:18

Very fair point tbh.

And I guess that's what it comes down to.

I know from MN that some blokes out there wouldn't go, even if they weren't s against it, just because it was such an issue for their DP/DW and if the tables were turned the fact he was so against something would stop me from doing it. It's not like you have to. He's an adult and makes his own choices...

Oh fuckety sad

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:26:23

Also, he's going through a rough patch family wise which may take a while to settle, so it's not great timing but it is important and I won't be able to stop thinking about it after that conversation...

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:28:06

Who cares about a "rough patch" ?

Does it turn him into a helpless user of the sex industry ? Does it make your own opinions count for anything less ?

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:29:53

I'm just wary of being insensitive.

He's pretty sad about the state of a certain family relationship/sudden deterioration atm, without giving too much away in case I'm outed, sorry.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:31:53

I can't think of a family issue that would force a man to attend a strip club against his will

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:34:52

Oh not that I think that's affecting his decision!

Just that he's not in a good place so a 'discussion' may not go very well right now, as he's sort of grieving, as far as I can tell.

And he's not due to go on any stag dos any time soon.

It is still a pressing issue though, as I might be wasting time for all I know.

firstpost Mon 01-Jul-13 13:36:39

Don't worry too much about how he may perceive this.

There seems to be a lot of pressure on women to be okay with this sort of stuff, but in reality for lots of healthy people in normal relationships Strip clubs are unacceptable.

Would your DP really be happy that he may (forever) seem less of a man in your eyes?

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:39:16

Well I'll soon find out.

I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it and worrying he's not who I thought he was until I've discussed this with him to be honest.

Got so much on this week too and am quite stressed as it is so am quite angry this has come up now (and at all).

theorchardkeeper Mon 01-Jul-13 13:39:49

Really appreciate the replies btw smile

I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to stuff like this.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 13:40:19

OK. Fair enough. Not so pressing as there being an actual occasion coming up.

But he has warned you hasn't he, that if he feels the occasion is fitting that he will go against your wishes

I wouldn't sit on that for too long either. And call me harsh, but I wouldn't be cutting him too much slack because of something that is completely unrelated either

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