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How much access to DC does your ex have?

(168 Posts)
JemimaPuddlefuck Sat 29-Jun-13 19:14:54


Sorry, I have just posted this in "Lone Parents" thread as well but realised that there may be more traffic on this one.

I am in the process of setting down how much access my ex should have with our DD. I am thinking either a Saturday or Sunday 10:30am - 4:30pm. I don't in principle have anything against overnight stays, but he does not live somewhere that is appropriate for her to stay the night.

Is this reasonable (I know without a doubt that my ex will not find this reasonable, he will want to come everyday!).

I suppose I would like to know what the norm is (if there is one) and also what I have suggested above is reasonable.

Arisbottle Sat 29-Jun-13 19:18:05

My DH would be devastated at seeing his son for 6 hours a week.

JackAranda Sat 29-Jun-13 19:20:14

I think that is totally unreasonable. The principal should be 50/50 ( or working towards that) unless there are reasons ( employment/studies etc) that make this impossible.

how old is dd ?

JackAranda Sat 29-Jun-13 19:23:28

actually in answer to you questuion mt DS 14, 12 & 10 see Ex H for one day a week ( Sat 9-6) ad ad hoc weekend days/ week days in the holidays + occ days away... he lives with his parents and so 'cannot' have the kids overnight.. in my opinion he has next to no relationship with them - but this is HIS choice not mine....

Snorbs Sat 29-Jun-13 19:28:19

The age of the child makes a big difference to this kind of thing. For small children contact is best done as frequent short visits. For older children then it can be longer.

One other thing - contact shouldn't be something that one parent "sets down" for the other. Your opinion does not necessarily trump his.

pompeii Sat 29-Jun-13 19:32:12

What parent, never mind father, would be happy with 6 hours access to their child a week? Unless he's some sort of risk to the child I think that is awful to suggest.

LuisSuarezTeeth Sat 29-Jun-13 19:33:24

What is not appropriate about where he lives?

itried Sat 29-Jun-13 19:33:56

DD is now 18 and chooses when she sees her father.

When she was between seven and 15 she stayed with him (30 miles away) every other weekend from Friday - Sunday, two weeks during the summer holidays, we divided Christmas (a week up to or from noon on Christmas day, alternate years), a week in the autumn half term and a week at Easter.

The distance meant we could not have a 50/50 arrangement, which would have been preferable

MirandaWest Sat 29-Jun-13 19:34:02

How old is your DD?

My DC are 9 and 7 and are with XH a night or two during the week and every other weekend. Plus extra times depending on what both of us are doing - were both pretty flexible.

LuisSuarezTeeth Sat 29-Jun-13 19:34:36

That amount of time is woefully inadequate in any case - I'm guessing there are other issues?

JemimaPuddlefuck Sat 29-Jun-13 19:40:41

I'd like to add that I totally intend to sit down and have an adult conversation with him about this. I am not going to just lay down the law and am very worried of falling out with him about this as I want us to have a good relationship for the sake of our DD, who is 2. I hope that we agree access that is mutually accepted and something that we BOTH feel comfortable with.

The dilemma I have is that I live in a small 1 bedroom flat with our DD. Ex hardly ever takes her to his house which he shares with 3 single, childless friends. If he does it is only to pick something up. He won't have her at his for the night and won't find somewhere else to live that he would deem more appropriate. He blames this on not having enough money although he still finds the cash to spend on clothes, holidays, nights out etc. He is at Glastonbury this weekend, not staying in a tent but glamping in a yurt with electricity, beds, etc. Its costing just under £3000 divided by the 3 other friends he is going with. If his priorities were with spending time with his DD, I think he could cut out these luxuries and find himself somewhere where she can stay the night.

At the moment he always comes to my tiny flat to spend time with her. He comes to put her to bed at the moment a few times a week and sees her at the weekend. I have a problem because I feel he is invading my space and I don't want him IN MY HOME. I have no problem with him seeing DD. If he had a house she could visit that would be fine for him to have her during the week and alternate weekends etc. I have to reevaluate access because him coming round to my house is making me unhappy. I feel the options I have at the moment is either allow him to come whenever he wants or to say to him that until he finds somewhere to take her, he can have her for ex amount of hours.

I may have drip fed, and I apologise, but my initial thread was to get a feel for how much access other people have but I guess each case is different, hence why I have now provided a bit more information now.

JemimaPuddlefuck Sat 29-Jun-13 19:45:01

A bit more information.... Reasons why I feel unhappy about him in my home is that he often is quite critical of me and generally makes me feel like shit. It is a dynamic I don't want in my life. It is a reason why we are no longer together. Him coming round feels like we have'nt split up. I can't move on with my life.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 29-Jun-13 19:49:19

I would expect minimum access to be every other week-end and one day in the week and a maximum of 50/50 shared care.

It's not recommended to let your ex in the house at all really. It's his responsibility to provide somewhere safe to spend time with his kids, not yours.

JackAranda Sat 29-Jun-13 19:57:10

I agree he should not be in YOUR home. he is invading Your space and using your home to have access to his child. You need to be very clear about what you accept, My ex has no access to our children under my roof and has to see them outside; because he is unable to arrange a place to live he can only see them during the day.
that is his problem...
What is in your DD's best interest ? (I will answer for you) to have a positive relationship with her father; how can you promote and enable that ?( without compromising your own home/integrity?)?

Offer him EOW and one night in the week... and go from there ??

JemimaPuddlefuck Sat 29-Jun-13 19:58:09

OK. So am I within my rights to set access that I am comfortable with until such a time as he finds somewhere appropriate. If he had a place for her to stay, a week day and alternate weekends would be fine. But based on his lack of accommodation suitable for her needs, would it be reasonable for me to say weekends only and NOT in my home?

BornToFolk Sat 29-Jun-13 20:11:46

DS is 5.5. His dad has him 1pm Sat-4pm Sun every other weekend. He also picks him up from the childminder at 4.30 two nights a week and looks after him at my house until I get home at 6pm. I am not wildly keen on exP looking after DS in my house but it means that DS gets to spend extra time with exP in the week, which he really enjoys (and needs) so I suck it up for his sake. ExP has muttered about wanting to have DS one night in the week too but has never actually requested it. hmm

Are your ex's parents local? When exP moved out he lived with his parents for a while so DS spent weekends there. When exP moved in with OW he carried on having DS at his parents for a while, to get DS used to the idea of exP being with someone else. Would an arrangement like that work for you, until your ex can sort out accommodation where he could have your DD overnight?

Walkacrossthesand Sat 29-Jun-13 20:18:12

From what I've read on here, ex coming into your home (eg to 'put DC to bed') is never a comfortable arrangement and to be avoided, especially if he abuses the privilege by disrespecting you in your own home. I feel its also confusing for young DC too. Does he work full time during the week- any scope for frequent short excursions etc? If he is (effectively) choosing to spend his money in a way that precludes DD staying in his house, then that's his choice. He may not want to see it that way, but might have to reconsider if you set firm boundaries.

RandomMess Sat 29-Jun-13 20:22:19

He could take her out for a couple of hours due the week too - perhaps out for tea once a week as well as the weekend?

JemimaPuddlefuck Sat 29-Jun-13 20:36:14

He works full time and says he can't get to mine any sooner than 6pm. I basically feel like he could do so much more if perhaps the boundaries were more concrete. For example sometimes he could go to work earlier etc and be able to leave earlier and therefore come and take her out for a bit on an afternoon. I think him finding somewhere appropriate to live is doable but the reason he has'nt done it is because he still enjoy his pre-baby life which he can currently live. He often mentions how smug he feels that he lives in the "cool" part of town. He is quite snotty about other postcodes.

His family unfortunately live on the other side of the country - either a 12 hour car drive or a flight from the local airport away so DD staying with her family is not an option.

I feel like he could be quite capable to either finding somewhere to live or perhaps asking some of his friends (some of whom have children and live in big houses and therefore have space for him) if he could stay at theirs for the night with DD. He does'nt do it because the situation he has at the moment where he comes to mine is totally comfortable for him. It means he can continue his pre-baby lifestyle with his mates etc, and not deal with the hassle of childcare, nappies, laundry, staying in on a night even when your friends are out etc. It feels so convenient that he can't have her for the night because of his living arrangements.

LuisSuarezTeeth Sat 29-Jun-13 20:41:10

Ah ok. So it is your ex that thinks his home is not appropriate?

I think you need to talk as you say.

RandomMess Sat 29-Jun-13 20:42:08

Well just give him the option of Wednesdays 5-7pm and either Sat or Sun from x to y, take it or leave it IYSWIM

Overnights once he's somewhere suitable to have her overnight.

LuisSuarezTeeth Sat 29-Jun-13 20:42:41

But he definitely should not be coming to yours - I see what you mean.

RandomMess Sat 29-Jun-13 20:45:40

Actually I would the responsibility all back onto him.

"you are not welcome to spend time with DD in my home anymore, it is not possible. Please let me know what contact you would like to have on a weekly basis"

JemimaPuddlefuck Sat 29-Jun-13 20:46:56

Yeah, to clarify it is HIM who says that the house he lives in is not appropriate. I've been there, I think it is a perfectly nice house. It could do with a baby gate for the stairs if she were to stay there but I think his issue is that it is a house of young, thirty something professionals, with nice furnishings and he is worried that DD will wreck the place. He also thinks it is unfair for his flatmates to put up with a potentially whingey toddler.

NonnoMum Sat 29-Jun-13 20:49:32

I think this needs to go to solicitors...

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