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Please help!! I have ended marriage, and I don't know I should have...

(36 Posts)
Teawench Fri 21-Jun-13 15:05:52

My head is a hornets nest atm, and I really need some guidance and support. This is going to be an epic post.
I'm very sorry, really need to purge all this, and ask for help. I've no one to talk to about this to tell me if I've finally just gone mad and seeing the world completely distorted.

I've just ended things with my DH, I don't know that I should have, things became too much, and I just snapped. Partly me ending this was due to MIL and part was because of DH.

Me and my DH used to get on brilliantly and also like the best of mates.
We would talk and laugh for hours, but oddly after about a year of seeing each other, he'd never told him mum about us. He finally did, but then......

Before I married DH, his DM said many things about not wanting him to settle down perhaps with just me???
the ones I know about from DH showing me emails at the beginning wish he'd never shown me But I was his first real relationship and even when it made me upset, and I told him he shouldn't have shown me these messages, he felt I should know.

MIL sent him messages saying. "I thought you were happy single." "Why couldn't it be a woman from around here." "Why do you want to marry someone who is older than you??" "Can't you find someone without dc." "You promised you were never getting married."

When he would come to visit me she'd cry her eyes out and tell him she'd never see him again and I was going to murder him. and his mum would txt him many times to ask if he was still alive! Even though he'd come around to visit several times she'd still do this. (I lived quite a distance, and didn't meet MIL until much later).

When she first met me though it was all happy families she seemed to appear to genuinely like me, so I thought maybe I had got the wrong end of the stick. So for her birthday I gave her a pretty ring that had belonged granny that had passed(she knew this) and really just hoped for the best.

She came over every single weekend for several years without fail and sometime stayed overnight, with us having to go out to hers for emergency pipe burst, loo overflows, a man stalking her, Car not starting...etc during the week.

Every single weekend was and still is drama, MIL has some crisis, she is has been chronically ill since I've known her, as least she says so, she seems fine to me. Her car has an issue every single week, She has left several jobs because all of the people treat her so bad, and in debt because of this, DH has given her money when she needs over the years. All her family is horrible to her because of this or that. It's all so exhausting.
MIL started doing stranger things though, well perhaps strange to me???
MIL would call a few hours before coming over asking how everyone was and that's she'd be on her way soon. She would be just having a chat with DH, but she'd always find out from him what I'd cooked and/or baked, and she'd cook/bake the exact same thing and bring it over. And would hassle DH to try what she made and ask how it was?

If my DH would buy me a gift, she say to him, I could really do with that too. (sometimes she get items). Just things like that. After being married a couple months she wanted to take me for a "girls day out".

We went shopping, and sat down for lunch and were chatting about DH and she mentioned to me that her exH accused her of sleeping with my DH.
We'd just married, first thought was...what the hell have I just got myself into.
I didn't believe this but because she said it flippantly and almost as a wind up it did put the tiniest bit of worry in my mind. I didn't know what the hell to say I was so shocked.

That night I tried for several hours to bring it up with my DH but he said he didn't want to talk about anything that had to do with his DF and DM. I didn't just outright ask him, looking back this was a huge mistake. Even though I thought such a thing never happened. Why would she tell me such a thing.

Once we had our DC things even seem to get stranger. She said horrible things to my older DC, and became very verbally abusive to them when we weren't about, the younger ones weren't even safe, she has slapped one of our younger DC, then bounce ball off his head when he was only just learning to stand over 15 times, shoved same LO off the couch. (Older DC ran in and told us).
DH had a go at her but she somehow ended up the victim in this.

MIL continued to come around every weekend until near Christmas a couple years ago, I finally snapped. She had done something to one of my little dc and said more rude things to my older and I said I didn't want her around anymore, I couldn't cope.
She always come and stayed Christmas with us, but I said that year I needed a Christmas to ourselves. MIL was so upset, she called and called DH asking why and what was wrong, and if DH wouldn't explain to her satisfaction she was going to ring me and get it out of me.

DH told her if she called me that there would be repercussions. Things were great for us for a while, no drama. She was so angry so she wasn't calling or coming around.
But eventually she started txting DH and she was really poorly. She'd had a minor car collision. This then that. And she was missing DH and DC so we had her come around and visa versus again.

This isn't but a tip of the iceberg. DH told me on a recent visit she sold the ring I'd given her on ebay. She also asked for some of my stuff in the garage, and DH gave to her cause they decided I hadn't used them in a while, and she could make use of. Sigh..... There is so much more.

All this plus his own issues has hugely affected my relationship with my DH. I do love him. He is of the mind now that we are and have been bad to his DM.
That she's would never intentionally hurt anyone and isn't clever enough to do the things she done and couldn't manipulate anyone on purpose, she just isn't clever enough...... DH says. We can't keep her away and DH now feels that I am making him choose her or us. (I have never ever asked him to choose). DH says That MIL has a right to see our dc.

DH had put his foot down this weekend and said MIL must come around as its been a month since he and dc have seen her, or he must go to hers.
I've ended a relationship with someone I love very much, and can't get my thoughts right and dunno what to do?? I've been a doormat for so long, I've never said a cross word to MIL ever. I just am a wuss and I feel even though DH have problems as most couples do, They are much more compounded by all this.
Thank you for reading...

I'm sorry I know I've written so much, I haven't finished my thoughts even, but I'm blubbing like a baby and I need to sort myself before DC get home from school. Really sorry for all mistakes and misspellings.

doormat Fri 21-Jun-13 15:16:21

Well from a real life doormat have made a stand against your husband and said enough is enough

Up to him now whether he values your marriage and wants to sit down and discuss it properly...and honestly

If he would rather side with his mum so be it but he will end up a sad a lonely have put up with enough far too long

Its down to him now...good luck sweetheart x

Madlizzy Fri 21-Jun-13 15:16:50

I think you've done the right thing, and in your heart of hearts, you know this. The fact that she's actually abused your children gives you the right to withdraw any contact with her. I'd recommend that you get some legal advice pretty swiftly and organise the no contact, as the kids aren't safe in her company.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Jun-13 15:18:25

You've had years of dealing with his toxic mother; all the actions she has done to you and your children are those of a toxic parent. Like all toxic people she has likely never apologised nor taken any responsibility for her actions. She hasn't apologised has she?.

Your error here, if actually that word could be used, was to treat this woman over the years in the same way as you would another emotionally stable family relation. His mother is clearly emotionally unstable and has likely been this way for many years but you did NOT cause her to act like this. You have likely also come from a birth family where this type of dysfunction is thankfully unknown so have found it extremely trying to deal with let alone try and get your head around.

Your DH is completely in the FOG with regards to his mother - fear, obligation, guilt. She has worked on him since birth and he has had a lifetime of such conditioning. He is far more afraid of her than he is of you and always but always seeks her tacit approval, approval btw she has never given. He would much rather upset you than she because he is totally in fear of her. She has done him much harm and continues to wreak havoc on your family.

Your DH needs to realise that his primary loyalty is to you and his own family, not his mother. Whether he will realise that or not is up to him.

DC have a choice too; they do not have to see her at all. Infact I would argue that if she is too toxic for you to deal with, then she is too toxic for your children to have any form of contact with.

How did you end your relationship with DH?.

doormat Fri 21-Jun-13 15:18:46

Totally agree with madliz dont allow her any contact whatsoever x

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Jun-13 15:20:38

Some grandparents should have no access to their grandchildren. His mother is a prime example of this.

Teawench Fri 21-Jun-13 15:28:39

Thank you for the swift responses Doormat and lizzy.

Attila how did you know??
She has never ever apologised for anything, ever.??!! She has only been the one done wrong by. It's so mind boggling. DH says MIL doesn't know she's done anything wrong?!? WTF??? and Unless we tell her...which he has and she has only carried on as if nothing has happened.

This trait has also risen in my DH at times. His favorite line is what do I have to apologise for? That is a huge sticking point with me! If you hurt someone with words or do something wrong, flipping apologise, its no different if you bump someone in the street by accident, perhaps more important that it involves people you love. Sigh.....

He has in the past taken a hard stance to her, but she well at least its my belief she becomes suddenly ill or something major always happens which quells any previous problems.

I'm embarrassed to say how I ended it, its really shameful, but I ended with him by email while he is at work.

He just replied saying "nice way to end things" sad I'm heartbroken.
But I have tried to talk to him, a lot. Sigh I feel so sick to my stomach I dunno what to do, if what I've done is right.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Fri 21-Jun-13 15:29:46

She sounds absolutely unhinged and you have definitely done the right thing. I would have reported her to the police for what she did to your children.

Madlizzy Fri 21-Jun-13 15:49:02

You have done the right thing. Absolutely. As for your H telling you that it's a nice way to end things, he's brought it on himself by disregarding anything you say or do. You have tried to talk to him, he chose not to listen.

Hopasholic Fri 21-Jun-13 15:49:55

I'm not surprised you ended it. How on earth have you managed to put up with it for so long?

What does this mean:'Her Exh accused her of sleeping with my DH'? That your DH's father said she'd had sex with her own son? Eh?

Hope I've misinterpreted that bit

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Jun-13 15:58:54

Have some depth of experience when it comes to toxic inlaws. I am sorry to say and your mother in law has read the script.

Your mother in law is a prime example of a toxic parent and how such disordered types operate. Emotionally well balanced people do not behave as she has and continues to do. I would argue as well that your MIL has some type of personality disorder.

You have done the right thing, your DH has never listened at great cost to himself.

Teawench Fri 21-Jun-13 16:03:51

That's what she told me Hopas I haven't any idea why she would tell me this.... We'd only newly married and was my first time out with her alone.

Yes that is what she said. I honestly don't believe something like that happened. And DH did finally have that conversation about a year ago, and he was infuriated she had told me this, DH told me it wasn't true what his DF accused her of.

But why did she tell me that???????? What business or relevance is there in me knowing something like that???

Teawench Fri 21-Jun-13 16:10:30

I think what makes this all the more difficult, is that he honestly believes his DM couldn't harm or intentionally do anything mean or underhanded, he think she is really simple, she does come across as a little dingy, and helpless. Oh god, see...I dunno

This almost makes me feel mad. I constantly have to reevaluate what I've done, or if I've blown her behaviour and actions out of proportion.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Jun-13 16:12:26

Reading "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward may give you some more insight.

Teawench Fri 21-Jun-13 16:13:16

looking it up. cheers attila

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Jun-13 16:13:50

Do not forget either that your DH has had a lifetime of such conditioning at his mother's hands and that is very hard to break. He still is very afraid of his mother and has likely gone along with her own mad behaviours out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

OneMoreChap Fri 21-Jun-13 16:27:32

Sorry, anyone who takes adult parents side against partner is probably not worth wasting time on.

They chose you, not the parent. They should remember that.

Teawench Fri 21-Jun-13 16:36:39

He doesn't come across as afraid of her as perhaps more persuaded by her, and made to feel guilty. She called 2 nights ago saying she was driving around with faulty brakes and is able to barely stop her car.

She needed DH to sort them out for her, he'd offered to pay to have them fixed, but she felt more safe and wanted DH to fix them for her asap.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Jun-13 17:02:30

Well he certainly has the Obligation and Guilt part of FOG in spades then.

Why did he not tell her to take the car straight to the garage?. Again conditioning on her part plays a role here. She is very dysfunctional and such toxic crap can and does filter down the generations.

badinage Fri 21-Jun-13 18:11:43

Do you think it's possible that your husband has been the victim of sexual abuse by his mother, OP?

AgathaF Fri 21-Jun-13 18:33:48

She sounds awful. In the face of such a person living your life with you with your husbands consent, I really don't know what else you could have done.

Teawench Fri 21-Jun-13 19:37:36

Hi Thanks so much for the responses.

Attila He did ask her why she hadn't and she needs to take it, but she must have kept on, He mentioned she had several excuses, One she didnt' have money, he said he'd pay, but then she'd rather he do it. I don't know, I can't wrap my head around her reasoning.

Badinage I really don't think so. I know his DM and DF had a very volatile relationship and break up. I don't know much about it, but my DH was very convincing and left me with no doubts when we spoke of it.

I still struggle to understand a lot of this, its hurt so much. I've tried to put on a brave face for so long and play happy families.

I realise I can't, especially with MIL. I don't like confrontation and am a chicken when it comes to that. Attila you are right and I need to keep that in mind.... it can filter down through generations. That scares the crap out of me.

I can't thank you all enough, for your help and advice. I means so much. x

Madlizzy Fri 21-Jun-13 20:02:42

It only filters down generations if a child lives in that environment or is exposed to it. You're taking steps to ensure that this doesn't happen.

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 21-Jun-13 20:20:55

Tea. My ex-mil had some of this going on. When I met Darling Son, she almost fought me for him, like a jealous lover. She competed with me, as yours has done. Very unhealthy. XH never really stood up to her, and had many ishoos with women. He loved and hated his mother, in equal measure, and transferred that to me... She, and the relationship between them/inability to stand up to her, was one of the reasons we split up after 20 years. Even after separation he had chance to Man Up, get some therapy, sort it out. He chose not to, and I chose not to live that way any more. I am still sad he chose to be that way, but it was his choice. You cannot make him grow a backbone, sadly.

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 21-Jun-13 20:22:00

PS. If your brakes really weren't working, you would not be driving round willy-nilly. You would get to a garage without delay. She's a loon.

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