Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb(608 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.
After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.
Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.
Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.
I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.
He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.
Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.
We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.
He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.
I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.
I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.
I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.
Why do you want to make this many happy ? Make yourself and your DS happy and LTB.
Well you have answered your own question.
He doesn't respect you, treats you like shit, and doesn't want to commit.
You can't change him.
Tell him it's over, block him on phone / Facebook and change the locks, front and back.
And thank your lucky stars that you are not married to him don't have DC with him, and that you are not financially tied to him.
I would also hold on to the car, what with it being a gift and you contributing to it.
"I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy"
This is the part you have to get well and truly out of your head. You were not put on this earth to make any man happy. If you take that approach someone selfish - like your boyfriend - will deliberately exploit it and have you running around trying to keep him sweet. That's not a nice person, however much 'spark' there is.
Yes, you have to call it a day. The longer you drag it on the worse you'll feel, the lower your self-confidence will sink and the more your child will suffer when it ends.
How to stay strong... call in back-up Friends, family, MN and anyone else that can help you. You don't live together so that's one problem you don't have. But cease contact. Literally lose his phone number, don't take his calls, and rework your days and your leisure time around yourself from now on. He'll do the begging thing again because he's selfish, he's onto a good thing and won't want to lose someone who lets him play cocklodger for free ... washing and cooking for him etc.
Be your own woman. Good luck
I'm not too sure in all honesty. I suppose because we have lots of amazing lovely times and I would very much like for us all to be a proper family. He says he does too but his actions don't show it.
He can be when he wants to be, we have holidays, days out, he will stay in with ds if I want to go out. But he will coldy withdraw at any point he chooses and I know deep down that he has no real interest. I feel very rejected and can't understand why.
Why do you want to make him happy when he doesn't care about making you happy?
Or your dc? It's not you making your dc cry, it's him. Children will accept as normal what they live with on a daily basis, but this relationship is not normal, and you may know this - your dc doesn't. Someone in a parental role to your dc should not keep skipping out on him all the time whenever they fall out with you, should they. It's cruel and heartless to the child to keep him around and let him do this over and over,IMO.
LTB once and for all, all the mind games and "rotten tricks" are only going to mess with your DC's head as well as yours and it has already started. You owe your dc a better life and view of relationships than this.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I hope that, having it written all down, you will be able to look at what you've written dispassionately, as we are.
No-one deserves a poor relationship like you have.
You doubt you will have nice times with anyone else, maybe?
You don't have to tolerate the crap to deserve the nice times. You can have a nice life, with someone who treats you decently all the time. It exists. It really does.
"I know deep down that he has no real interest. I feel very rejected and can't understand why."
The two sentences are connected, OP. join the dots - you feel rejected because he has no interest in being part of your family dream. Actions speak louder than words. He will say whatever you want to hear but it's not enough anymore.
Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.
Re read your own OP. This is always going to be how it is. It is never going to get better. He wants to have his cake and eat it and you are letting him. Nothing you are asking for is unreasonable but he clearly doesn't want those things with you (and probably no one else either). He has spelled it out for you. It's really time to move on. Sorry.
I think I'm permanently baffled as the pattern goes, we break up, get back together and he usually does a big gesture to prove things have 'changed', followed by going back to old self and then blaming me.
I can't understand the big grand gestures.
I'm also a bit afraid of telling people it's over. I feel a bit of a failure, everyone around me seems to be in happy relationships and I can't make mine work. People on the outside don't really know what goes on and I'm a little afraid of the questions that will come.
I'm not really in a position to sell the car as I need it for work, I have a long commute which was why he bought me a better car in the first place.
I don't know how old he is, but he sounds very young to me, and nowhere near being able to commit.
I imagine he, like you, enjoys your time together and then gets scared you might leave for good if he doesn't give you more of himself. Hence the big gesture, but then it's back to normal with his cold feet again.
I don't think things will work out between you until (and if) he is ready to fully settle down, which could be years.
he probably wants you and other women too, he will never commit
What's to be baffled about?
He doesn't care about you or respect you in any way.
And continuing to try and make him happy is only serving to depress your self-esteem.
You are worth far more than this little twat.
Get shot of him and start to think about yourself and what you and your child deserve.
"I can't understand the big grand gestures."
It's fairly standard emotionally abusive tactics. Bullying, if you prefer. Treat someone like crap for a while, be mean to them, let them run around after you trying to keep you happy and what have you got? ..... a nice obedient, eager to please girlfriend. Then she gets fed up and kicks you out and you might lose your personal slave .... uh-oh!..... turn on the charm and promise 'a future' until she's back on the team.
You'd only be a failure if you stayed with this arsehole. It isn't up to you to 'make it work'. When you're with the right person, there is no emotional abuse, very little effort and no-one feels like they got the shitty end of the stick
After 4 years together and him still choosing to live with his parents rather than you, I suspect that your friends will know that not everything in the garden is rosy.
You are good to him, he has to make very little effort and he probably does care about you so he misses you when you split up and wants you back (and his bruised ego wants to know you still love him too) so he makes the grand gestures. Then, when you're back where he wants you, the effort stops.
Boris he's just turned 30 so surely he's not that young to settle down?
You are his safety net, his security net, whatever you want to call it.
Either he does the big gestures as a conscious effort when he sees he's gone too far and you might actually leave, or he's just a lazy thoughtless git who sometimes pulls himself together and remembers to be nice.
But being nice shouldn't be an effort, shouldn't come in fits and starts, and shouldn't be interspersed with nastiness.
Get over feeling a failure. We all "fail" at something. It has gone wrong - you haven't failed because you can't make and maintain a relationship all on your own.
And don't compare your insides to everyone else's outsides. No-one knows what goes on inside other people's relationships, but you may even find people had an inkling anyway.
The others are right. And you deserve a proper relationship, not this excuse for one, be kind to yourself and cut off contact with him.
He's not too young to settle down. But he is a loser if he has the week off work and doesn't want to prioritise that time with you! You have put up with this for 4 years?
strawberry sorry just to clarify, he doesn't live with his parents anymore. He did the first couple of years we were together then moved out to live on his own.
He started eating with me once he moved out and his mum wasn't making his tea anymore. Although he lives alone he's around at my place more often than not.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.