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Has he an agenda?

(70 Posts)
Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:15:50


I have been casually dating someone for 4 weeks, he came out of a long term relationship late last year, and I think they both took it hard, split over an argument that got out of hand I think.

She has met someone, got engaged and is planning a wedding this year.

He is now trying to convince her she is rushing into it, and offered to meet to talk to her, admitting he would try and persuade her not to do it.
She does listen to him but he is being very negative about the whole thing and saying its too soon blah blah blah.

Why can't he just wish her well?

TurnipCake Sun 28-Apr-13 19:17:14

Sounds like the flame is still flickering there

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 19:18:45

He's not over her

You are the rebound

I suggest you walk away. Or will you hang around while he tries to convince his ex to come back to him?

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:22:18

He hasn't asked her to get back, but he did say he was in her area and he could meet her after work and admitted it was to tell her she was rushing things, I think its the marriage bit, but the thing that worried me is that he doesn't live near her so I think made up that he was going to be there.

I just don't get why he feels its his business to persude her she is rushing it, surely thats her business?.

I gather things were very bitter and awful when they first split but now they are friendly again, quite recently, he says he is glad she has met someone so why all this?

VelvetSpoon Sun 28-Apr-13 19:27:42

Do they have children?

If so, and assuming that she is the RP, I could understand why he might be unhappy about it, if he feels she is rushing (which tbh it sounds as though she is, no-one should be leaving one relationship to get married within six months)

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:29:05

No children no joint commitments at all

Hassled Sun 28-Apr-13 19:31:03

He's not even remotely over her. You could hang around and wait until he is over her, but I don't think personally I could take the humiliation.

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:35:54

Thanks, he has explained it by saying he cares for her as a friend and doesn't want to see her make a mistake.

TurnipCake Sun 28-Apr-13 19:41:07

Well, he's not exactly going to say anything other than that, is he? But she is his ex, her mistakes are hers to make alone.

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:44:13

Agh I think he still has feelings for her, I was hoping MN might set my mind at rest but it hasn't at all

TurnipCake Sun 28-Apr-13 19:48:21

Go with your gut, trust yourself. I've been there and waited for the humiliation to be left for someone else, that might not happen in this instance, but I think his heart is in more than one place.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 19:57:21

You knew already, OP. MN has just conformed that your gut feeling should be listened to.

He engineered "being in her area". They are "recently friendly again" after previously being acrimonious

You are The Stooge, love. Don't hang around to get dumped.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 19:57:32


Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 20:02:50

Depressing thought. I don't want to wait around until he is over her and I am tired of him getting involved in her business I suppose, why he got involved with me I dont know, he said he had moved on and she was a nightmare when we first met

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 20:05:54

I agree with the others.

Walk away.

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 20:07:48

You have only been dating him for 4 weeks.
When did she get engaged?

It looks like he needed to show her he could pull too.

And as it's only been 4 weeks, surely it's easier to let go now rather than later.

TurnipCake Sun 28-Apr-13 20:07:55

I'm sure he liked you OP but I've seen people jump into relationships soon after and sometimes it's the fear of being alone, sometimes they feel the need to prove they've moved on etc.

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 20:11:12

She got engaged 3 weeks ago I think, he was pretty shocked, and rather than say congrats he said I hope you know what you are doing etc and so it has gone on.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 20:18:51

What are you going to do, OP ?

I would imagine "do nothing" should not be an option, tbh

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 20:37:32

I'm tempted to have a chat with him before I give up, but I don't know that he will be honest

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 20:42:33

Why would you do that ?

You cannot seriously be all that invested after "casually dating" for 4 weeks ?

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 20:43:05

He is using you to try and get one over on his ex. You can't see that ? You would accept that ?

littleflowerlady Sun 28-Apr-13 20:45:51

I'd have dumped him by now.

Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 20:59:41

I suppose no one thinks he could be a nice bloke concerned about her?

I don't think that is a dumping offence

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 21:01:51

I'm sure someone somewhere will think he's just concerned.

I don't.

The issue here is: do you trust he loves you more than her?

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