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Probably need to be talked out of doing this; contacting the OW

(43 Posts)
YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Sat 23-Mar-13 15:18:22

My H had an affair in 2011. Was going on about 3 months before he told me, then he spent months deciding who he wanted hmm I was in complete shock and wanted to stay together (had just got married) but found some dignity after a few weeks and threw him out.

He later decided he wanted me, not her and has spent the time since trying to win me back. We're not 100% there but we do have a 9 month old ds (conceived during the seperation in a moment of madness after he attempted suicide) and he has honestly become a changed man, is so remorseful, has shocked me by being the best father I've ever known and is very good to me.

I'm not sure how I feel about him, though. A big part of us is destroyed. Although the man he is now is perfect, I am constantly thinking about her and the way he treated me in the initial aftermath. Because we have ds things are complicated (it would be long over were it not for him) and I cannot classify what we are or where we're going. I'm starting counselling alone next week to help with this (we tried Relate, it was wank).

I contacted the OW when I decided things were over back in 2011. I rang and told her she was an 'unpleasant specimen who was entirely welcome to him'. She didn't talk back, just sobbed. From what I've gathered she was totally in love with him, thought it was some great star-crossed lover thing hmm

Now, I just can't stop thinking about her. I completely subscribe to the fact that it was him that did me wrong and she owed me nothing but but but...I just want her to feel bad. TBH I doubt my marriage will ever recover, my feelings about love and sex are completely dysfunctional and I'm just heartbroken. I just want her to know that. I've never met her and H has had no contact since 2011 but I just imagine she's gone back to her normal life and I just want her to know the damage she was complicit in.

I was thinking of writing a letter just outlining how her actions have affected the 3 of us. I KNOW it's really H's fault but he has apologised and is trying to put things right and he isn't happy, the guilt and the repercussions nearly literally killed him. I just want to spread the misery and remind her of consequences. It won't achieve anything apart from make me feel a bit better. I want to hurt her a bit in a concise and pithy way. I also want to rub it in that H still loves me and we have a child now just to be spiteful.

I probably shouldn't, should I or would it be cathartic to put accross my side of the story calmly to her?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 15:21:38

Making her feel bad will not make you feel better. You're displacing your frustration with your husband onto this other person because you're not getting satisfaction from him. That's always the problem when you take back a cheat. You've sold yourself short and there's not a damn thing you can do about i.

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 23-Mar-13 15:21:52

I think it could maybe help you to write it all out but then burn it or rip it up instead of sending it. It might help you to start to come to terms with what happened if it isn't all spinning round in your head all the time. I've done this before when I was younger and it helped a lot. It wasn't as serious a situation as yours though but it did let me put it to one side so I wasn't obsessing over it every minute of the day.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 15:24:23

"TBH I doubt my marriage will ever recover, my feelings about love and sex are completely dysfunctional and I'm just heartbroken"

So end the marriage. Stop trying to convince yourself that you're happy. Don't give in to his emotional blackmail. Make a new life and leave them both behind.

Tintingal Sat 23-Mar-13 15:26:56

It might make you feel better, in the short term, but you're better than that, aren't you? You don't need to make yourself feel better by making someone else feel worse. Nothing you can say will undo what's been done, neither will it come as news to her, and if she was as upset as you say, she's unlikely to wreak the same kind of havoc again. Write it all down, agonise over it, pour it all out, then set light to it, and move onto another day. Good luck to you and your ds, and I hope the counselling works for you. xx

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 15:26:57

Don't do it. It sounds like the poor cow was just as much a victim of your cheating husband as you were.

You will never have warm thoughts about her (who would?). Raking this all up with her is the wrong thing to do, and won't help you.

I think you are tempted to do this now, because you are coming to a realisation common to cheated-upon partners who think they can mend their marriage.

Your husband destroyed your marriage, and the cracks are permanent. Sort that out with your husband (firstly examining if you really want to or just feel obliged to for your son) and take it from there.

She is nothing to you.

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Sat 23-Mar-13 15:29:29

Yes, sneezing good idea, I'll write it and that might be enough.

I haven't taken him back cog we're close as co-parents and he wants more but I just cannot forget or get past it. I'm not thinking this would help me get past it btw, just want her to know.

Kat101 Sat 23-Mar-13 15:31:30

What if she's also moved on, maybe with a husband/partner and child herself? That might make you feel even worse than you do now.

scaevola Sat 23-Mar-13 15:32:47

I was glad to see you are finding a new counsellor. It sounds as if there are still lots of things you need to think through.

The reconciliation between you and DH sounds shaky at best. The first thing you really need to do is work out whether you truly want to be reconciled. 18mths isn't that far into even a straightforward healing journey, and you've had the added complication of a surprise pregnancy and a newborn too. This is your healing journey.

If there are things you want to say now addressed to the OW, write them down but don't send it the act of writing them will free your brain from the thoughts of what you might say. It might be. Helpful to write a journal of everything to do with the affair, you reactions, your H then, since and now for the same reasons.

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 15:33:41

It won't make you feel better at all.

What it will do is to make you want to repeat it whenever you want to relieve your feelings because you've projected all the ills of your relationship with your h onto the ow.

She's moved but you haven't.

I suggest you begin your counselling by exploring why feeling bad makes you want to make the ow feel bad because, ultimately, hurting her in a 'pithy and concise' way is going to hurt you far more than it could ever hurt her.

izzyizin Sat 23-Mar-13 15:34:09

She's moved on...

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 15:34:39

You don't want to get past it. Takes no effort or courage to fire off a shitty letter to some silly cow that shagged your ex. Takes guts to go out and make a life for yourself.... 'Best revenge is to live well'.

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Sat 23-Mar-13 15:34:57

Not sure I am 'better than that' TBH tintin but thank you, yes I will write it out and then decide.

It just hurts. I'm shedding fucking tears right now, 2 years on.

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 15:36:08

Compose a "pithy and concise" letter to your husband. And be sure to send that one.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 15:36:55

It still hurts because you're 'close' to your ex. It seems to matter to you that he still loves you... it shouldn't. Maybe after the attempted suicide blackmail episode you feel you can't cut him loose. But that's what you ought to do. You can still co-parent but don't make the mistake of thinking he's still your friend. He absolutely isn't.

Tintingal Sat 23-Mar-13 15:38:46

Sure you are, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this.

NoelHeadbands Sat 23-Mar-13 15:39:08


Lets be frank, it was two years ago, she could have heard about his breakdown and moved on. Chances are she'd read your letter, thank her lucky stars for her escape and not really give a shit anyway.

You need to look at your own feelings and try and make sense of them. Fwiw I think it sounds like some distance would do you a world of good

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Sat 23-Mar-13 15:42:14

Thank you for all the replies.

It just whizzes round and round in my head and there is so much I imagine saying to her. I truly thought it would have subsided a bit now but it hasn't.

Even if I'd cut H out of my life at the time I think I'd probably still be this upset now. I tend to remember and replay everything. I still think about the break up with my X before H.

God, I overthink everything. Fingers crossed for counselling smile

undercoverSAHM Sat 23-Mar-13 15:42:57

Confucius says: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig 2 graves."

Don't do it. Concentrate on your own happiness, not on wishing misery on someone else. Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 15:43:08

He's putting you under pressure to get back together. He tells you he loves you. He's 'filled with remorse'. He tries to top himself. Pressure Pressure Pressure...

Detach from this very selfish manipulative man rather than lashing out at some woman.

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Sat 23-Mar-13 15:47:02

fucker He's had one, don't worry. We have discussed it all at length over and over. He truly is 'perfect' NOW but it's too late and there's no more answers or anything I can get from him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Mar-13 15:48:19

He's not 'perfect' because he's still making you feel like shit.... Detach.... Detach... Detach....

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 15:50:11

He's not "perfect"

He has hurt you, terribly. He has cheated on you, blackmailed you and still he has the power to make you cry

What's perfect about that?

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Sat 23-Mar-13 15:59:46

You are harsh on me cog grin

It's just complicated, easy to say detach but harder to do. I know it's a cliche but he's not as bad as he sounds. We're not together (I've told him he's free to get a girlfriend) but we are very close friends and co-parents.

I'm just still upset and, yeah, I suppose just using her as a target. I'll write but not send and hope counselling helps clarify everything else.

Thanks all. I wrote the OP genuinely thinking I couldn't be talked out of it but I have been. The thought of her getting it and not giving a shit is pretty deflating.

EggyFucker Sat 23-Mar-13 16:01:36

Good decision x

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