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(59 Posts)
xxdriftwoodxx Wed 27-Feb-13 13:56:45

I have been married for 18 years, I would say the world thinks my husband is a lovely caring man who will do anything for anyone including myself and our children.
5 years ago I thought something was odd after I heard from my son that his dad had a new mobile phone which he only brought out while I was at work and when I asked my hubby about it he denied it until I caught him pulling out from his sock one day. He assured me it was harmless and with doubt and no proof I plodded on.
A month later I found out after he had a motor bike holiday "alone" he had actual been away with a lady and another couple , as friends. Again I had no proof, we did split up for short periods but I couldn't get my head round his denials and him bring this nice bloke made things more difficult to make the break properly though my heart lived in Limbo.
A friend told me that on one of our separations my husband approached her on , I felt I couldn't say anything as we had broken up then. After then I regularly checked the history of our PC and came up a few times until 2 years ago I found proof he had joined claiming he was single at the same time I found old blogs he had written on a forum discussing the motor bike holiday he went on with "friends" describing the person he went with 5 years ago as his girlfriend.
Here I was faced with 2 things, hubby had joined a dating site and I had also stumbled on old posts he had written a few years before describing his girlfriend to the world when he was married and sleeping with me,,,,,, at the same time as I stumbled over these two different betrayals of trust I was waiting to have a Byopsy on a tumour. I wrote my hubby a letter after I got the all clear telling him what I knew and he came up with all sorts of excuses, it was an old account, the forum blogs were jokes, I didn't know what to believe.
Last year came up in an old joint email , he joined again but no activity to go by, that was Aug 12.
Today I am mixed up, I tend not to stew over what happened but I just can't trust him and u find I can't move on properly with my life and because its all in the past I feel I have no right to be so selfish feeling betrayed and not trusting my hubby,, he lies about money too and after u pay off his overdraft if £1,500 he builds it up in no time at all and if u mention it I look like the nagging wife..... Are there other women in the same boat , how did you cope and what did you do??
Am I just holding on to the past betrayals or am I right not to trust him after so many betrayal ?

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 14:02:24

No trust, no relationship

He's had a lot of chances hasn't he ? A lot of chances to lie...and he took every single one (and there will be lots more you simply don't know about)

He is a serial player and cannot be trusted with money

This is no life for you. There are lots of men out there who are nothing like this. Get rid of him.

Charbon Wed 27-Feb-13 14:04:55

I wouldn't trust him at all and I'm astonished that you're even questioning why you don't. He has evidently been serially unfaithful to you (physically, emotionally and financially) and it sounds as though numerous other people know this, including your son.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 27-Feb-13 14:07:09

What do you get from this relationship now?. What keeps you within this?. Fear, shame, a sense of having "failed" when it comes to marriage, embarrassment?.

As AF rightly states no trust = no relationship.

Its a terrible role model of a marriage for your children to possibly go onto emulate themselves. What have you both taught these young people about relationships?.

You don't need another 18 months of this let alone another 18 years. He is not worthy of you.

thepixiefrog Wed 27-Feb-13 14:07:16

What has he done to earn back your trust? How has he shown that he values you and your relationship? Has the responsibility to fix things been placed on you alone?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 27-Feb-13 14:07:35

shock you are asking if you are right not to trust him after so many betrayals?!

I would have got rid of him a long time ago.

xxdriftwoodxx Wed 27-Feb-13 15:40:20

I was a 30 year old widow when I met my husband, I think that this is my 2nd marriage does make me feel a bit of a failure.
I find I live day to day with my H as though nothing happened and u try to get by. Each time I found he was on he dismisses it and turns it round on me for snooping and i guess that makes me feel as guilty. My H,s veiw is I need to move on which was what I did after u found out about his affair 5 years ago but each year since something else crops up and when I present facts too him, I listen to myself and think I sound like the nagging miserable wife looking for problems . I think my mind has lost all perspective , . The other day I mentioned after a glass if wine that u couldn't trust him, his defence is, why what have I done, I am doing nothing wrong, and when I mention he opened a account last Aug12 he says dint be silly that was an old account. I feel I am the one with the problem even though I keep it under wraps at time but I feel as though I am the one with issues not him!

Xales Wed 27-Feb-13 16:17:23

What is to trust in a man who tells his wife he is holidaying alone when he is doing so with a girlfriend.

It wouldn't have been platonic please consider a trip to an STI clinic.

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 17:55:29

You were a widow when you met him

Oh my goodness love, you have been targeted by a cocklodger.

You are being gaslighted and emotionally abused by him

if you are not aware of the meaning of any of those terms, google them and you will see this despicable man described before your very eyes

Does he work ? Who pays off his overdraft...him or you ?...just for him to run up debts again

I strongly suggest you get rid of him before you lose all your 1) self respect, 2) the respect of those around you and, 3) money

I would wager once your money is gone, he will dump you anyway. He is already lining up your replacement. I am sorry to be so very harsh, cold and unforgiving, but you need to wake up and do it quickly.

Doha Wed 27-Feb-13 18:05:18

Get rid.

No trust= no relationship. The trust sailed out of tgis relationship many moons ago. Remember you are not the failure he is.

izzyizin Wed 27-Feb-13 21:40:33

Holding on to past betrayals? His betrayals are not past - they're ongoing.

As for you thinking you're being selfish for not trusting him, what's to trust? He's proved time and time again that he's an untrustworthy, self-entitled, and wholly selfish adulterer who doesn't give a flying fuck for you or for your feelings.

Kick this sleazebag out of your home and get yourself checked for stis at your nearest GUM clinic as soon as possible, honey.

You deserve a lot better than this.

LittleEdie Wed 27-Feb-13 21:51:05

He thinks it's no big deal to be on when he's previously been unfaithful?

You seem to keep believing him, or telling yourself that you do and I can't see why.

I wouldn't worry about the 'failure' aspect. It would surely be a worse failure to put up with this.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 27-Feb-13 22:20:39

Crikey, why on earth do you think you might be being "selfish"? Are you kidding? This man cannot be trusted AT ALL. He has lied to you over and over again. He has cheated on you, even gone on holiday with another woman, joined a dating site claiming to be single and approached a good friend of yours!!!!

He is awful. I don't care how "lovely and caring" other people think he is. They certainly wouldn't if they knew what he was really like. You must not put up with this crap.

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 22:27:51

OP has melted away sad

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 28-Feb-13 08:33:10

It's hard to paint a proper picture and I guess the reason I am searching other people's opinions.
Everything that happened has been over the past nearly 5 years from him taking someone away with him. I found out who the women was and she just laughed when I said she was having an affair with my husband, she swore on her sons life she hadn't and u guess I began to doubt my own judgement in all of this and between the pair if them I felt like I was being some unreasonable nagging wife . But obviously this kept eating away at me until 2 years ago when I found that at the time of the affair and before he took her away he had been writing on a forum about taking his" brown side kick" " OTT girlfriend" , his last post was written two weeks after I found out and that was an apology to the forum members for not getting to a forum meeting that was at this biking holiday the post was" sorry didn't get to the meeting til late, had to tuck the girlfriend in bed as she had too much to drink! It was 5 years ago he took her and 2 years ago that I found the posts, the affair was over but at the same time as I found the old posts I found he had joined On he had sent quizzes to 5 women but notes up with any.
It seems I find out along time after events and then I don't feel justified to act, if I mention it to him it's as though I am holding a grudge and not letting go.
The part I find worse of all and I can't let go of is , reading in his actual words, written for thousands of people to read in a public forum openly chatting to people about his girls friend , when at the time I was probably in the next room but as I said I found this out, like I said though the affair was 5 years ago but the confirmation came 2 years ago at a time I was waiting for a byopsy, which came back clear but meant I couldn't deal with what I found. Now I am clear and I look back at what he did and the annual rejoining if though certain he didn't meet any one but guilty of contemplating). I just need other people's views of wether I should put it behind me or am I right to not trust him?

VoiceofUnreason Thu 28-Feb-13 08:48:12

Why did you believe him from the word go when it was blatantly dodgy. You had PROOF and still continued with things as they are. Not once, but more than once. And by breaking up and getting back, you basically gave him permission to carry on behaving as he does.

Of course you are right not to trust him. I am very sorry that you are in this position but I think some tough love is called for. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! You are being continually taken for a ride and used as a doormat. If you don't kick his sorry arse out NOW, then what you have put up with over the last few years is what your life will be FOREVER.

tallwivglasses Thu 28-Feb-13 08:49:35

This man thinks you're very stupid. He also doesn't care about you, apart from perhaps as a meal ticket? (You didn't answer AF's questions about finances...)

You are totally right not to trust him. He has no respect for you. His repeated infidelity is staring you in the face and he still thinks he can get away with it? Nasty man. Sorry to be harsh. You do know don't you that there's decent men out there who don't behave like a tomcat.

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 28-Feb-13 09:43:48

At the time I met my now H I was just a normal person who worked and had my own house, I wasn't a Merry Widow with loads of spare cash and I my H was a friend of a friend , nothing sinister I already knew of him and his family.
My H has a good job and was really good with money though I can remember him taking out his first loan for a motorbike without telling me it was while checking our account I was surprised to see a deposit for a few thousand pounds, this trait seemed to carry on every few years but always paid off first by him until 8 years ago when we repaid his loans by putting them on the mortgage, which I think was my first mistake as after that he seemed to change and get a larger loan to pay off the last and buy something else. All came to a head a couple of years ago after he got his first credit card, maxed it out, got another,maxed that out got another, maxed the overdraft on joint account, took out a loan without my knowledge to pay off overdraft then maxed out the overdraft again even today after I did pay off most of the overdraft it's going up again. He has taken out loans telling me it was x amount then find out it was a lot more. He wanted to put all the credit cards and two loans on our mortgage again but after he went onMatch again last Aug I knew it was pointless so he is struggling to pay them all off slowly, he makes out he is struggling and it's my fault.
( I would like to point out that while all this gies on there are no rows,bad language, the atmosphere in my home is normal and people think we are happy, he is a nice chap which I know sounds stupid, but he has this secretive side to him where he doesn't let me in and if I stumble on something I didn't know or even if I feel there is one thing and see it, he makes out I am snooping and I haven't any rights and that's where I begin to have doubts)
I grew up in a family who put up with the same I am know , it was normal to make a marriage work and deal with poo. My fear at 49 is , we all have flaws and so may the next man and my experience with my H is so confusing that I feel that I am the baddie in all this, the nagging wife each time his lies come to light, sorry I sound such a Wuss.

VoiceofUnreason Thu 28-Feb-13 10:19:22

Stop making any attempt to excuse or defend him. With each posting you make he sounds worse! Seriously, get him out NOW.

LittleEdie Thu 28-Feb-13 11:30:38

When you're in a bad marriage it's very easy to feel trapped, even if that is only an illusion. That means you can end up putting up with things that as a single person would seem intolerable.

You are not trapped.

Charbon Thu 28-Feb-13 13:52:23

He could not be more blatant if he tried. Thank goodness you didn't add his more recent debts to the mortgage but you need to start separating the finances asap so that you're not liable.

This man cannot respect you. It doesn't sound like he respects the other women he's been with either. With the dating site stuff and the disappearing money, you do realise the holiday woman hasn't been the only one? Are you still having sex? Get yourself checked if so.

At 49 you're still a relatively young woman. This man will only stop being unfaithful when all his opportunities dry up, but by then you will be much older (and certainly poorer) yourself.

If you leave him, you are not the 'baddie'. It would be the only sane rational decision in these circumstances.

xxdriftwoodxx Thu 28-Feb-13 15:13:02

I did have std tests all came back ok, thanks.
I guess I seem gormless to you but the he joined but I couldn't find proof he met anyone, but he is always home in the evening too. I seem to have this fight in my head with what I see and his denials which seem genuine and then I don't know what is real anymore. Collectively everything stares me in the face and happened a while ago, I felt I was wrong not to let go and needed to know I AM justified to hold everything he did as a package because he seems to think I am being unreasonable holing on to the past.

Charbon Thu 28-Feb-13 15:16:54

People meet eachother for sex in the day.

You don't need any more proof; honestly you don't.

Go to a lawyer if you don't believe us and see just how much evidence you've got of unreasonable behaviour.

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 16:31:23

Driftwood, I rarely say this love, but why did you post?

Even in the face of compelling reasons not to trust this man,and unanimous agreement that he doesn't deserve it, you keep using the same reasons to justify his behaviour

Has anything said here reassured you at all that yanbu, or are you going to continue the overt lies and gaslighting of a serial philanderer?

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 16:32:02

Continue to believe

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