Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I a selfish person?(96 Posts)
Sorry everyone this could be very long.
I am feeling very betrayed and hurt by DP at the moment and really am unsure what to do from here.
We have been together around 6 years, i am 22 him 26. In this time I have lived in various places with family members as my parents divorced when I was younger and both remarried. I earn a poor full time wage but work a typical 40-50hour week, the only pleasure I really have are my two dogs (relevant as renting with two guarding shedding monsters=impossible)
I have wanted to buy a property for many years since I was 18 when we lost the family home etc but have waited for DP as he always had an excuse why he couldn't move out of his parents home. Degree,masters,we travelled etc etc. He has been looking into doing a PGCE for some time though but never got around to applying due to one reason or another. He is generally a very negative person and everything is an obstacle.
It came to a head some months ago when my mother who I am staying with ATM temporarily as I fleet between mother and father and grandparents is moving out into a smaller rented house leaving me stuck. I have very poor relationship with my parents but tolerate each other. I discussed this with DP who agreed we should look for a house. He set the criteria and we found a property which exactly matched this, lovely house in need if renovation very cheap in a nice area (of his choice). We offered and offer was accepted but contracts not exchanged yet. The offer is based in my wage alone.
Tonight he drops the bombshell that he has gotten onto the Pgce (great!) but now does not know if he can afford to pay mortgage on what small loans he would get. I really don't know what to feel other than selfish as I am happy for him but I can't go on with this life of limbo anymore and need to feel I belong somewhere! I am devastated about the house as it really was/is perfect and I was looking forward to renovating etc with Dp! I feel so let down and second best and am wondering whether to bite the bullet and go myself or just resign myself to the fact I will be waiting for another 2-3 years at least living this horrible life of going to and from houses with the clothes in my bag. I have no friends to share with, no one and rentals won't touch me because of dogs (they are childhood dogs from divorce of parents neither of which want them as both parents accuse the other of owning the dogs, they were my dogs at home parents have never dealt with them) and so getting rid is not an option at all.
I just really don't know how to cope with this and which way to turn now. Do I break this tie and just go it alone or do I stick with my 6 year otherwise happy relationship knowing it could be years before he will break the apron strings. He is so attached to his family home and is in no hurry to leave and can't see my point of view at all :-(
What would you guys do if you we're me?
Sorry for depressing moaning :-(
Go it alone. This person is not a partner.
My gut feeling is to wait another year - it really is only a year, so next year he will be earning a good wage (well goodish) and you will have your money too.
Totally understand about the dogs, id be getting rid over my dead body type too.
Saying that, it does seem to be him that is calling the shots - why is this?
I don't feel able to give any particular advice and I'm sure a lot of the wiser MNetters will be along soon with that. However, just on the point of not being able to rent with dogs - it really isn't impossible and many landlords really don't mind. The Dogs' Trust do a 'Lets with Pets' campaign and pet-friendly landlords and letting agents have regsitered with them. Here's the link: www.letswithpets.org.uk/find-a-pet-friendly-letting-agency/search
If you've been able to sort out a mortgage and make an offer based on your wage alone, I'd say, go for it!
This opportunity may never come again. His PGCE will be over before you know it, then he may be ready for what you have to offer or he may prevaricate more but at least you'll have a home.
You are letting him dictate your life. How on earth did you not know that he was applying for the PGCE?? It sounds like he just lives his life whatever way he wants and expects you to go along with it, regardless of how you feel. There is absolutely no point in being with someone like that, as you will never have a genuine relationship. You will always be on the back foot, wondering what he'll spring on you next. Go it alone.
OP, I an so sorry that you don't have a stable home. However if you want one, you are going to have to provide it for yourself. Your dogs are clearly not a priority for your DP, nor are your living arrangements.
I'm not saying you need to end this relationship, I am saying that you need to do this yourself. And you can. The offer was made on your wages alone, so go for it and if he moves in with you, he can pay rent.
Don't wait any longer, just go for it. In a few years time you will have the house as you want it. I would have a break from him before his negativity rubs off on you.
If the mortgage has been approved on your wage then I'd go for it - to get the security you want and need. This may mean you wouldn't be able to renovate as quickly as you'd like without his financial input but if, for example, you got a lodger - or even two depending on how big house is - their rent would help out that maybe as well as with all the other bills and the mortgage.
You could still have a relationship with him - that's up to you ..... it sounds to me though that he's certainly not ready for the next step ATM.
BTW if you can get a mortgage at 22 on your own then you're doing really well and should be proud of yourself. I'd grab this opportunity if I were you - yes, prices may drop in the future still, but you might also find lenders tightening up lending criteria even more if you wait.
You are only 22 with you whole life ahead of you. He is not going to change.
The answer is honestly very simple and straight-forward.
BTW, am not sure why you're asking if you're a selfish person ? Think you've done great looking after your dogs - unlike your parents who sound rather selfish and irresponsible actually.
i would go it alone too. you cant put your life on hold waiting for someone to decide when/if they want to settle down with you and move in with you. it sounds like he doesnt know what he wants. does he actually want to be in a relationship with you?
you want a place that you can call home. if you can do it, then do it. moving from house to house cant be fun at all
A moody, grumpy, bossy and changeable mummy's boy is not The One, OP. Go it alone.
If the mortgage is based on your wage alone why do you need him to pay it? I don't get that bit.
Is he saying you're selfish? If so that's a big red flag...
You are the one on whose salary the mortgage is based so you can afford it alone. Yet he is the one who has set all the criteria and you have gone along with this.
Get the mortgage and deeds in your name only. If he moves in with you make him sign that he has no claim to your assets and his rent is not contribution to your mortgage. Don't let him move in until he has agreed a fair percentage payment as his living expenses. Not a waffly 'I may not be able to afford X, Y or Z'. Hard numbers towards rent, utilities and food. Don't get into the situation where you are supporting him.
I would suggest you actually get a lodger rather than move this person in.
I think you need to look very carefully at yourself and your relationships. You have poor relationships with your parents and tolerate each other. I think this is leading you to accept a pitiful poor second best romantic relationship with a partner who thinks way more of himself and what he wants than he does of you. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to travel , study more etc. It is wrong that he is doing it riding roughshod over your wants and feelings. Not good in a partnership.
I suggest you see if you can get some therapy to look into yourself and why you are happy to settle for this.
Buy the place on your own, get a lodger in to help with mortgage costs. Sounds like it might be a good time for a break from your negative partner for whom everything is an obstacle.
Thank you for the kind replays everyone- didn't expect it!
I would have been happy to wait but there's always a reason to delay things iyswim. We have actually nearly moved a few times but he backs out for one reason or another. I actually loaned out my beloved horse last time to make it easier financially for us not to even move and never did get him back incase we decided to move again.
The house itself is a steal. It's 20k cheaper than the valuation due to wanting a quick sale (I am a FTb so can move quickly) and is the first house to come up in the street since 2007. its a nice and quiet row of 3 bed semis with huge gardens so people don't move often. This one is an inheritance and a bit of a state.
I can get a mortgage alone but it is scary to have that amount of debt alone when paying for bills etc also. It's doable but I would be stretched compared to if he came and paid half. I can do it I'm just scared of doing it and regretting it?! The house could easily sell for that I paid and then some if I needed it too. The work it needs is substantial although the majority I can do myself some of the costs are unavoidable- windows and doors in particular plus needs a new kitchen, the rest is cosmetic. My dad says I could stay with him temporarily while work is done but he is in a difficult position as he married a lady with young children and rent a small house with a strict no pets landlord so could ask for a few months but not long term.
I have tried to rent numerous times but once even the dog friendly landlords meet mine they generally say no. The rent is also in the region of 500pcm here, whereas the mortgage would be closer to 300pcm which is a big saving.
He does generally call the shots mainly because I don't know the area well and I tend to rely on him for things. I do speak to my parents but have a lot of issues with particularly my mother and as much as I love her I can't live with her, she has bipolar type episodes which make her turn on those closest to her hence why she is better living alone and I am better off out. On the face of it life is perfect. I am qualified in a half decent career, I have a really nice new car, dogs, I have a few friends (although none I could talk to about this) and family yet feel so lonely and unsatisfied with life :-(
It does strike me that, the way you've described it, something good happening for him means three more horrible years for you. You're in such a fantastic position with the house! I'm envious as hell. You can't possibly stop now and continue sofa surfing and wait for him to catch up. That's just not the way it works. He's just not at your level.
Grab the house with both hands and hold on tightly.
It will be your sanctuary and an accomplishment to be proud of.
If your boyfriend comes good, then great. If not, you will still have your sanctuary.
A 3 bed means you could get a lodger if necessary.
Don't let him decide your dreams.
If you can afford it then go for it alone. As 44So says get a lodger if necessary to help with bills.
As for your DP you could be having this conversation for the next 10 years as to why he won't commit to you.
Just because he doing PGCE doesn't mean he will be able to get a teaching Job.
The house sounds great & it sounds like you really want it. Yes you could rent with dogs if you were determined (we managed to rent with cats) but you'd still be in an insecure situation -- the landlord might decide to sell or change their mind about pets, etc.
A side note -- I recently qualified as a teacher and from what you say about your DP's personality and attitude I have some doubts that he will get through his PGCE. Also, PGCE's don't guarantee a job -- far from it in some areas/subjects. Even if it goes okay there will be a lot of stress and moaning, and I would doubt he would have time to help with renovations.
A lodger definitely sounds like a better bet than moving your DP in.
Get the house on your own, don't put his name on it. Do not let him stop you from moving forward in your life any longer. The relationship may work out, it may not, but you will resent him immensely if he stops you from achieving your dreams by dragging his feet yet again. The house sounds great - Do it!! Doing up the house could also become a hobby for you. something else to help you feel fulfilled. :-)
Join the discussion
Please login first.