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Dh and fb swooping

(131 Posts)
Cuddlemedolly Fri 22-Feb-13 12:42:11

Silly question really, probably over analysing!

Dh rents houses to students. We have recently signed up students for the next uni year in a house of 3 girls and 1 boy. He has met them a few times and signed contracts etc. He said they were nice and was happy for them to rent off us.

This was a few weeks ago, but I found on his fb that he has searched for their profile pages. Now normally i suppose he would just be checking them out prior to signing them up to see if they seemed like responsible tenants. However, we signed them weeks ago and it is only now he is searching for them. He also only searched for the girls who are young and pretty and not the boy.

He may have searched for them online too, but no way of knowing!

Silly I know, but am I just being paranoid! Why is he fb spying on them?

BananaMouse Fri 22-Feb-13 12:52:27

Maybe he is spying on them for the same reason you are spying on him? To see what they are up to at a guess!

Cuddlemedolly Fri 22-Feb-13 13:02:06

He has a habit of being secretive and keeping things from me. I trust him, but his behaviour is strange sometimes. I found his snooping by accident.

yellowbrickrd Fri 22-Feb-13 13:10:35

He has a habit of being secretive and keeping things from you but you trust him? Sounds a bit contradictory. What else is strange about his behaviour?

Cuddlemedolly Fri 22-Feb-13 13:19:13

I think he keeps everything from me that he thinks will look suspicious, even if his actions aren't that suspicious iykwim. He has a history of looking for images of attractive women/girls on the Internet to lust over. Not necessarily porn, but searching for 'girls in bikinis/underwear' etc. even though he knows I hate it, he will do it in secret until I find out, stop then start it up again.

Is it acceptable for dh to search for semi naked women to lust over on line?

Is his fb searching re the students him being nosey or lustful? Why not the boy? Am I being paranoid?

I'm sure I only know the half of it.

LemonDrizzled Fri 22-Feb-13 13:38:07

Cuddleme you sound as though you want to get inside your DHs head. That doesn't seem quite healthy. If you want to know what he is thinking, and to understand his attitude to women and young students (Hmm hmm ) then surely you sit him down and ask him?

Whether it is acceptable for him to look at pictures of women is subjective.
It is legal. Many man think it is normal. Some women expect it. Some hate it. Some think it is a sign of a lack of respect for women.
What do YOU think? Is it acceptable to YOU? That is what matters

BananaMouse Fri 22-Feb-13 13:40:18

Is it something you could ask him about? Maybe he is just curious about the students. I look people up on Facebook when I have no intention at all of sending a friend request. I suppose I am just nosey smile I don't think that it's necessarily anything to worry about.

LemonDrizzled talks sense, what is acceptable to you is what matters.

Cuddlemedolly Fri 22-Feb-13 13:48:57

The student thing probably wouldn't bother me normally. He is prob being nosey but also checking them out, otherwise he would have searched for the boy too?

I don't like him looking for semi naked women on line. It makes me feel rubbish about myself. We argued about it recently when he did it a few weeks after having dd.

If I speak to him, he will just totally minimise it as he does anything that he thinks will cause an issue.

LemonDrizzled Fri 22-Feb-13 13:58:15

So it is not acceptable to you, but when you have tackled him he dismisses your feelings. Does this happen often then?
What would be a deal breaker for you? If he looks at naked ladies when DD is there? Or you find him masturbating? Would you ever end the relationship over this? Or is it just a symptom of a bigger problem?

Sorry for so many questions. I don't like it much either, from a feminist perspective. I'm surprised nobody has marketed any ethically sound porn made in Fairtrade premises with well paid models!

Cuddlemedolly Fri 22-Feb-13 14:46:41

Thanks lemon.

Is searching for semi naked women porn? I would prefer it if he was looking at sex porn as it doesn't feel so personal, more about the sexual acts iykwim.

Dh doesn't dismiss my feelings, but promises to stop and then sometime later I find out he is doing it again. When I found out about it just after having dd a few months ago, again he apologised and said he wouldn't do it as he knew how much it upset me. He isn't secretive with his phone now to show he isn't hiding anything, but I suspect he could cover his tracks anyway as he is quite IT savvy or use another computer etc.

At the moment, I suppose we are in a phase where he as stopped and I suppose his fb searching for the girls has made me think whether he s starting to get back to his old tricks.

He used to moan about us not having enough sex, but I've noticed that now I'm making more effort after having dd 3 months ago, he isn't as enthusiastic as I thought he'd be. Seems to be more about his ego and performance rather than making me feel sexy and desired.

Zaphiro Fri 22-Feb-13 16:14:36

I don't think anything good can come of checking his browser history, which I assume is what you've done (learned this the hard way myself!). The problem isn't the students or him looking at them so much as you not trusting him and feeling unwanted. You need to get the romance and intimacy back, which will be hard with a young child. Date nights, a meal out, movie night, etc?

Numberlock Fri 22-Feb-13 16:26:14

He's a disrespectful arse, perving over young students and looking at images of women just after you've given birth?

Fuck the date nights, I'd dump the misogynostic twat. What a wonderful role model he's being for his daughter...

Zaphiro Fri 22-Feb-13 16:34:37

Really, Numberlock?! You don't think that's a bit harsh? I look up people on Facebook (and LinkedIn, Twitter, etc) all the time and it's not really perving, it's just being nosy.

OP I have taken great offense at my DP looking at other women's photos online before. But then I realised I do it far more than he does so can't really judge. It's normal human behavior IMO. It only pissed me off when I was feeling insecure in the relationship.

DopamineHit Fri 22-Feb-13 19:06:19

Not necessarily porn, but searching for 'girls in bikinis/underwear' etc. even though he knows I hate it, he will do it in secret until I find out, stop then start it up again.

This stinks. Not the porn necessarily but the fact that you hate it but he nevertheless does it in secret, knowing that you hate it. It is utterly disrespectful of your feelings.

Now I'm making more effort after having dd 3 months ago, he isn't as enthusiastic as I thought he'd be. Seems to be more about his ego and performance rather than making me feel sexy and desired.

Sorry, but this screams <covers ears> heavy porn user. The fb stuff may or may not be a red herring. This isn't.

Numberlock Fri 22-Feb-13 19:11:52

I don't think it was harsh enough, Zaphiro. Why should she put up with him making her feel shit? And it's obvious he wasn't just being curious about the female students on FB, based on his other internet activity.

OP - ask him to move out while you decide what you want to happen next.

ImperialBlether Fri 22-Feb-13 23:52:33

I would make sure he doesn't go to see these girls alone, tbh. I'd go myself or accompany him. He sounds like a letch to me. Am I the only one hoping and praying my daughter never has someone like him as a landlord?

izzyizin Sat 23-Feb-13 04:00:42

On reading your OP, and before having got to Numberlocks and IB's responses, my immediate thought was 'this man's a bit of a pevert' and, having read all of the thread to date, I see no reason to change my opinion.

Looking your young female tenants up on FB no doubt hoping to see shots of them in bikinis/scantily dressed. What next? Cameras in their bedrooms/bathrooms?

I suggest you act on the aforementioned responders' advice and also take on board Dopamine's response because it seems probable that his 'peformance' is linked to a heavy porn habit.

Littleturkish Sat 23-Feb-13 04:24:05

I find the searching for the female students massively creepy.

He sounds like a letch.

There is no need to search for them.

He DOES dismiss your feelings, as he just repeats his behaviour.

No one deserves to be treated like this.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 14:04:41

Dirty ole man with a porn habit


Cuddlemedolly Sun 24-Feb-13 01:25:59

I asked dh why he had checked their fb accounts, he said it was to check if they were responsible students. He agreed it looked dodgy.

What do I do? Do I believe him?

izzyizin Sun 24-Feb-13 01:40:13

Need you ask?

Cuddlemedolly Sun 24-Feb-13 01:42:29

He says he was being nosey, but isn't a letch or a perv. What do I do about it?

izzyizin Sun 24-Feb-13 01:42:51

IME very few students post pictures of themselves looking 'responsible' on social network sites.

He looked because he wants to perv over them... if this hadn't been his intention, he'd have looked up your male student too.

Numberlock Sun 24-Feb-13 08:38:22

What do you do? Ask him to move out while you decide what you want to happen next? (Or cut to the chase and get rid.)

RobDile197 Sun 24-Feb-13 14:02:16

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