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So I am offically in a gay relationship and totally in love but am I being selfish?

(38 Posts)
amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 14:38:51

Hi everyone

It's been a while since I posted on here, but I think the last time was before me and DP offically broke up and things have changed a lot.

Me and DP broke up a while a go now and that was for many reasons really. We just weren't compatable and I knew I wasn't in love with him and even wondered if I ever was. Obviously the nail in the coffin was when I started developing feelings for another woman.

As I have already said, i'm completely in love with this woman and i'm very happy, which is a feeling i've not had for a long long time. When we first got together, it felt completely right and I feel as though she is part of me. The feeling is completely mutual and she wants to move closer to me so that we can see each other more often and I want her to.

Obviously if it weren't for DD, I would just be enjoying this new love and contentment, but unfortunately I have this constant niggly feeling that i'm being selfish and that this relationship is just going to confuse her. She has certain issues as i've mentioned before and she craves routine. I've not yet spoken to her about gay relationships and I really really don't know how to go about it.

There is still a small part of me that thinks I should just get back together with her dad, just to make her happy. I still love him and always will. We have been through a lot together and so my life wouldn't be miserable or anything, but knowing that a feeling like that exists, I really don't think I could carry on with day to day life and would probably end up resenting DP as I would feel trapped.

So now that it's offical and me and this woman are a couple, does anyone have any advice on how to tell my DD. I don't know whether I should be talking to her about gay relationships beforehand. She's obsessed with fairytales about princes and princesses. I'm so nervous and unsure as to how to tackle this one.

I have already mentioned that I worry about DD possibly being bullied in school because of this and she's already at risk of bullying because of her difficulities.

Any advice or experiences very much appreciated.

Thank you

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Jan-13 14:41:12

How old is your DD?

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 14:43:49

Oh yeah, sorry that's quite important. She's just turned 6

alarkaspree Tue 22-Jan-13 14:49:06

How old is your dd? I assume that since she doesn't really know about gay relationships already she is quite young. I think it may well be less of an issue than you fear. My ds has a friend in his class who has two mums and when I mentioned this he was not really surprised or interested. I'd just tell her you have met someone new, who is a woman, in whatever way is appropriate to her age.

Don't even consider getting back together with your dd's dad - not fair to anyone, and I don't imagine he would be keen given that you're in love with someone else.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Jan-13 14:52:38

What does she know about heterosexual relationships? Is she curious about sexual matters generally? Does she talk about 'who I'm going to marry when I grow up'? I think you're actually at an advantage with a child that age because they usually don't have a lot of information and you can provide as much or as little as you like. Start with the idea that she is your best friend and build from there perhaps?

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 14:56:21

Also, I should have said before, but i'm also worried that some of my female friends might be uncomfortable around me now. I told my best friend yesterday and she was really supportive, which was lovely, but that's one. I worry that other friendships might fizzle out. Oh and I know I shouldn't give a damn, but I can't stand schoolgate gossip and of course this will be pretty juicy gos for a while and i'm not exactly the most confident person in the world and i'm already quite paranoid so I know when it all comes out, i'll be very nervous about the reaction I get.

I have told some of my family and they were supportive, but a couple said that I couldn't be gay because I was too feminine and girly lol! Whatever that's supposed to mean. I think it was kind of said in jest, but nevertheless..... I guess there is a stereotypical idea of a gay woman and I certainly don't fall into that catagory, which small minded people are probably going to struggle with. Again, I know I shouldn't care about all that, but I do.

I should point out that this is way down the list of my concerns. My number one concern is that I handle this the best way I can for DD.

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 15:00:15

Thanks alark

Cogito, she does often talk about who she's going to marry etc and usually asked why me and dp weren't married and was it because we didn't love each other enough, which always stung. She's actually already met my girlfriend a couple of times and she has been introduced as my friend and we certainly aren't coupley or anything around her and we don't intend to be for a long time yet. They get on well and dd likes her, but gf knows when to back off and isn't being atall overwhelming, which is great.

DragonMamma Tue 22-Jan-13 15:04:00

I think the gay issue is irrelevant actually, you'd have to approach this is the same way as you would a new hetro relationship.

I remember your posts towards the end of last year so I'm guessing you haven't long split from your DP, a couple of months? I'd take it very slowly with introducing new relationships to your DD, even if you think you're being clever and disguising the true meaning of the relationship kids are astute and she will inevitably twig it's more than just 'friends'.

There's often posts on here about how long before you introduce a new partner to you DCs and I think regardless of sex, the same thought process needs to apply. I'm guessing you feel amazing to be with somebody who 'gets you' but take it slowly with your DD, as I'm sure you would have if were a new boyfriend.

I dont think you should get back with your ex, you are who you are and be with whoever makes you happy, just don't throw your DD head first in to it. Give her time to adjust and do the introductions slowly.

Good luck!

AttackoftheGiantAnts Tue 22-Jan-13 15:04:25

In my experience, any child's view of gay being weird and different comes from their parents. As long as your DD's dad isn't going to seed these ideas, you can present your gay relationship however you like. If you present it as a big change from your previous relationship, she may feel more odd about it. Another person in your life is going to be a change anyway, so her gender doesn't need to be the final straw.

In any non-straight relationship, you're going to face some criticism and gossip. If you don't ignore it, it really wear you down. But you'll probably be a source of gossip in any situation - if you stay in an unhappy marriage, if you get divorced, if you get a girlfriend - so you'd be ignoring it anyway.

RosyRoo Tue 22-Jan-13 15:09:15

I think you will be surprised how uninterested people are in your sexuality and relationship with a woman. What I have noticed, and found pretty surprising, since being in same sex relationships is how uninterested most people are in others generally. At first when I met someone new I was waiting for them to ask about my partner, because I was a bit nervous of how I would answer. What I discovered is that people don't ask anything! They much prefer to talk about themselves. So I wouldn't worry about gossip. It'll pass very quickly.

I would also urge a little bit of caution. The feeling of falling in love with a woman is very intense and I recognise what you say about feeling as if you are a part of each other. However, it doesn't always last. Just be aware that although it is amazing now that doesn't automatically mean you have found your one true love.

OwlLady Tue 22-Jan-13 15:13:08

My cousin is a lesbian and her partner had a little boy when they met up and people have been really open minded in general about all of it and they live in a small village

I agree with whoever said approach it the same way you would in any relationship, same sex or not smile

CheeseStrawWars Tue 22-Jan-13 17:20:48

There's a storybook called "King & King" you might want to look at, for your daughter.

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 17:31:17

Thanks everyone

I really hope that the gossip does die down quickly. I can't be doing with it tbh with you.

Rosy, yeah I know what you're saying and I am being cautious. I have actually heard that when women get together the intensity can be completely off the scale, but then it fades. I understand, but I don't feel like I have my head in the clouds. I'm actually very realistic and i'm ruled by my head, not my heart. These feelings are completely new to me, but I don't feel out of control or anything.

AlienReflux Tue 22-Jan-13 17:34:49

We just weren't compatable and I knew I wasn't in love with him and even wondered if I ever was


I still love him and always will. We have been through a lot together and so my life wouldn't be miserable or anything

Are you sure you know what you want?

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 18:05:44

Alien, yeah, I can get your confusion from that. What I meant was yes, I could carry on in that relationship and it wouldn't be terrible, but now that i've met her and I have these feelings, it would almost be impossible to carry on when I know that I found something amazing and not just ok, which is how i'd describe mine and dp's relationship.

TheFallenNinja Tue 22-Jan-13 18:21:11

There are kids with mums and dads, kids with 2 mums and kids with 2 dads. She just happens to have 2 mums. Either way, I'm sure she'll still have to tidy her room and clean her teeth. smile

yellowsheep Tue 22-Jan-13 19:20:07

My dd is 6 my sis her aunt has in the last month come out as gay introduced this woman to our family and become engaged.....

My dd response... oooo can I be a bridesmaid... I don't want a pink dress.

Your dd will be fine smile

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 22:52:42

Awww thank you to the last couple of responses. They really made me smile.

Oh and cheese, thanks i'll have a look at that book.

I suppose I just want to keep the confusion down to a minimum and I want her to feel as secure as possible. I was worried at one stage that under the circumstances, this wasn't really possible, but tbf, I have heard a lot of possitive stories. I just hope mine turns out to be one of them........

amibi Tue 22-Jan-13 22:54:41


EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 22-Jan-13 23:00:25

i was going to suggest the king and king book too

a lot of the books seem to be about having 2 mummies which I think is something you need to avoid at this stage - the king and king book is much more about finding the right person for you - whatever their gender.

SorryMyLollipop Tue 22-Jan-13 23:10:11

I am pretty much 100% hetero (not been there but wouldn't rule it out) i have always told my dds that girls can love/kiss/marry boys or girls and vice versa.
You could just say that princesses can marry princesses and princes can marry princes, if they want to, next time the subject comes up, just to increase her awareness.

amibi Wed 23-Jan-13 09:11:41

Everybody, yeah I like the sound of that book. That's what i'm looking for really. I don't want her to think that she's going to suddenly have two mummies, or a daddy replacement, so this sounds good.

sorry, thank you, I will definitely start doing that. They are actually starting sex education at school soon, which I know is controversial at her age, but i'm pretty sure they now discuss same sex relationships, so that may help.

Flobbadobs Wed 23-Jan-13 12:09:22

DD is 7 and they have been discussing relationships (not sex ed) in school. This is her explanation:
(Take a deep breath and don't stop till the end!)
"Children can have mums and dads, 2 mums, 2dads, one mum, one dad or live with other people. Sometimes children don't live with their own mums and dads, they get 'dopted by other people like (X) and (Y) can I have a biscuit?"
I think your DD will be fine grin

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 13:50:30

Some friendships may fizzle out but I think that you'll find your real friends sticking around.

My daughter is 6 and she knows about gay relationships. She loves spending the weekend with my friend and her partner and the fact that the house is full of pink and there aren't any stinky boys there!

Your DD will be fine.

What she needs is a happy mum.

pollyblue Wed 23-Jan-13 14:35:10

My DD is 6, one of her closest friends is the daughter of a couple of lesbian friends of mine.

DD thinks having 2 mums is fabulous and says she would like two of her own :D

i agree with Dragons comments that (imo, and thinking in terms of my 6yo) the gay aspect isn't really relevant at the mo, let her get to know your DP as a friend, and allow them to get to know each other slowly.

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