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to have thrown DP out?

(75 Posts)
ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 20:34:20

I dont think I am but I need reassuring.
DP has depression and been on tablets for 2 mthswith no difference, he has a lot of self esteem issues and I try to be calm and help him as much as I can but tonight I lost it.

DP often makes a lot of silly mistakes when askedto do things like if I give him a list of shopping he will still forget something or if I ask him to empty the bins he will forget, really silly things which usually is fine no real problems but today he forgot to pay his phone bill resulting in it being cut off and he has spent the money on other things so can't pay it, I offered to sort it for him but no to him its the end of the world and it's apprently my fault as he has so much to do he cant remember everything (he isnt working atm and only has odd jobs to do around the house).

He has lost his temper big time and I have had enough I told him he needs to sort things out as Im pregnant, have 3DCs under 5 to look after plus I sort and pay all the other bills, this result ed in him going into the hall way and actually punching himself in the head , I did shout at him as I hate him doing this so he came up right in my face hitting himself again, my DCs were downstairs eating dinner and I was worried one may come up to go toilet or something so I threw him out.

I dont know what to do, no longer no where he is and I dont know whether to even let him back in as I can't cope with this.

I know he will be back in tears and all apologetic promising he wont do it again but I have learnt this isnt going to change.

AIBU just to pack him a bag and stop him coming back?

hermioneweasley Sat 12-Jan-13 20:40:13

He is depressed, not completely irresponsible for his actions. His behaviour is inappropriate around your DCs and will not help them grow up with good mental health.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 20:40:22

Depression is a long term illness, and tablets for a couple of months won't have begun to help him cope with it. Is he having counselling as well, doe he have anyone else he could go to such as parents while he puts himself back together.
The forgetting stuff, the tears and apologies and irrational behaviour can all be symptoms of the same illness, and the fact that you are under pressure and finding things hard means that neither of you can support each other.
How long has he had depression for, is it a relatively recent thing? What triggered the bout this time?

Euphemia Sat 12-Jan-13 20:41:22

Is he receiving therapy as well as meds? When did his GP last review progress?

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Sat 12-Jan-13 20:43:59

My ex used to do this.

He then turned his anger onto me and my DS.

Be very careful.


ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 20:49:27

He went to the GP again just before xmas and he upped he dosage, he has been depressed for about a year but worse the last 6mths, he had the number to refer for counselling but again keeps forgetting to phone them even when reminded daily and I cannot phone on his behalf.

Its always the same circle, he forgets something acts like its the end of the world and then if he doesn't get enough pity he will get angry lose his temper, hit himself, go out, calm down, come back all apologies , tears and promises.

I cant deal with this anymore, Im struggling myself being pregnant as I was booked for a hysterectomy later this year and wasn't according to months of tests scans etc able to have anymore children, DP just says everything is too hard for him but Im failing to give him anymore sympathy when Im coping with everything and he just mops about being miserab

KenLeeeeeee Sat 12-Jan-13 20:50:14

It sounds awful for both of you, but you need to remind yourself that sometimes the best way to help someone is not to hold their hand. It sounds like he needs space to get counselling & focus on getting well again, and you need to protect your dc from his very damaging & self-destructive behaviour.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 20:50:57

*miserable and just moaning about everything he apprently has done with no thanks (yes he managed to wash his car and wants a medal).

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 20:57:37

So does he have anywhere else he could live, or anyone else who would get him out of your hair for a while?
Especially if he's self-harming, I'd be wanting the doctor to be more proactive. Counselling for example, to run parallel with the medication is a minimum expectation.
Have you got people who could come and support you? Relatives?

allgoingtoshitnow Sat 12-Jan-13 21:02:37

Hes ill. It basically excuses anything non-violent as hes not himself. And hitting himself isnt DV.

Ditch him if you need to. Get on with you own life. In this age of equality there is nothing stopping women being as cuntish as men.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 21:03:34

OP, have you thought about getting this thread moved to Relationships? There are a lot of posters there with experience of depression in a partner, and how hard it is to live with. And experienced at throwing partners out too, and the possible alternatives you now have.

Pilgit Sat 12-Jan-13 21:03:44

Speaking from the other side, depression is bloody hard and does steal the ability to remember things and escalates the ability to get everything out of proportion. This is not to minimise how bloody frustrating this is for everyone around the depressive though. He needs to take small steps and get small tasks under control first. Getting the counsellor organised should be top priority as meds alone will not solve this problem. This may take sitting over him whilst he actually makes the appointment. Living elsewhere whilst he gets himself straighter may be the best option at the moment as it will give you some space to get some peace and re-find the compassion you have obviously had for him in this illness.

The problem with depression is that it has a much longer time arc than most illnesses and people expect to see some progress within a relatively short period - they get sick of it and lose their compassion in the face of someone who doesn't seem to be helping themselves. At the moment he simply won't have the ability to do it. Your thoughts and reactions are totally understandable and totally normal, however what you have described of your DH is also totally normal for a depressive.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:05:07

I have no family around and no friends, he has his mum but she is a cause of it all so that wont help.

He has no where else to go and no money now as he spent all his savings (all 13k but thats a whole other threads worth).

He needs to call the counsellor but he wont and needs to see his gp again.

I feel trapped now and as much as his mum is a contributing factor id rather he was there than here.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Jan-13 21:05:35

If there's somewhere stable he could go (parents? reliable friend?) that would be a good home base for him for a bit while he gets himself started in counseling, that might be good.

I have been through this and at the worst point I did have to ask my husband to leave and just focus on getting himself together. He didn't move back in until we had a counseling plan set up. I did take a strong hand in getting it set up but we needed joint counseling also so we could deal with it together such that I was able to support him and also be supported by him myself, so that the toll it took on each of us was recognized and managed together.

I know it is not your job but can you not make the initial call(s) to get counseling set up? Just to get it moving? I know you shouldn't have to do it, but the main points right now are 1) get your home life settled so you can operate without misery and exhaustion and 2) get him into counseling and maybe 3) get you both into joint counseling so you have some support and some tools for dealing with him, and so he has some tools for how best to be your partner even while he is struggling.

I think it will be a long road but I think/hope if you can make these few tough moves asap you will feel a lot better. x.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:09:34

Allgoingtoshitnow how am I being cuntish? I have tried to help him and haveto bear the brunt of it all, I never said it was dv but when I have young children in the house how long do I put up with this behaviour before it affects them.

He is ill yes so that excuses this behaviour, self harming when I have children in the house, what planet are you fucking on?!

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:11:12

Keatsiepie its not that I wont phone its that I cant, only his gp (who wont do it at the moment until drugs work) or DP can phone and refer himself, Im not allowed.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 21:21:34

^ ^
And what Pilgit said

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Jan-13 21:22:41

ruled sorry I didn't know, I'm in the US and so was able to call myself. Okay, if he has to do it, then I would hand him the phone and the number at 8 am Monday (or whenever they open) and say "you make this call now or we're through." He will possibly cry and rage about how can you say such a thing, do you not love him, this is how he is and he can't help it, etc. , but just hold firm: he must call. He cannot have a piss or a cup of coffee until he calls.

So that's 1) his counseling.

2) your joint counseling: I do recommend this. Can you get it? I don't know how this works in the UK, sorry, but if you can get it, do it. You really need it, it's too hard on your marriage to go through this without a counselor helping you to help each other through it.

3) the house: if he has to stay, then I'd sit down with him and write out a list of what he has to do from day to day. Say "I love you, and it's okay that this is hard for you right now. It will get better. For now, you must try to keep up with this stuff. If you forget, it's okay. But it's not okay for you to get angry and hurt yourself. If you must do that, you must go into a room and shut the door and do it quietly, b/c it's not okay for you to use your feelings to scare and worry me, let alone the kids. After you're done making yourself miserable over whatever you forgot, you must pick up the list and go on with doing it." After that just reinforce calmly when he gets upset.

My suggestion re: (3) is just a really short-term fix, and I'm not a therapist, so again, I'd say get (2), the joint counseling, arranged asap.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 21:23:23

'He is ill yes so that excuses this behaviour, self harming when I have children in the house, what planet are you fucking on?!'

It doesn't excuse it, but it does explain it.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Jan-13 21:24:04

And yes what Piglit said!

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 21:25:38

OP, get this thread moved to Relationships. Really.

KeatsiePie Sat 12-Jan-13 21:27:57

Btw. sorry I keep re-numbering things, hope it is not too confusing.

PureQuintessence Sat 12-Jan-13 21:28:26

This sounds really hard. You have three children, a depressed partner who has been a burden with mental health problems and anger for the last year. You are now pregnant with number 4. Was the baby planned?

Are you working?

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 21:35:12

Thank you KeatsiePie for all your suggestions I will (when he comes back) sit down and discuss counselling again and see if open to relationship counselling.

I will be asking to move this thread to relationships.

Purequintessence I am working parttime but DP isn't but STBXH has DCs not DP.

DC4 is far from planned see earlier in thread.

PureQuintessence Sat 12-Jan-13 21:36:55

So the three children are not his? Then you are doing your children a great disservice forcing them to live like this with this nutter of a man. sad

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