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How to dump someone after first time sex (with them)?

(41 Posts)
abitputoff Wed 02-Jan-13 18:24:28

I had a handful of dates with a man I met shortly before Christmas. Things were going really well and I was quite into him, until we had sex. Two things were problems;

Firstly, he had some quite odd "habits" in the bedroom - for example when he went down on me he kind of blew raspberries making farting noises with his lips that really wasn't erotic at all (this probably didn't need to be pointed out!). There was more but I think this serves as an illustration!

Secondly though when he went to (ahem) "put it in", he didn't have a condom on, which took me by surprise and freaked me out a bit. We had had very little in the way of foreplay at that point (he was quite small so I get he might want less foreplay) so I wasn't really expecting sex to start at that point. I had to call a halt to proceedings to ask if he had a condom. He said he didn't, did I have one, and I said no (stupid me - I usually have one but had been in a rush to get out the door and forgot - thought he'd have one though as he had suggested me staying the night and he knew sex would be on the cards). He then tried again without it and again I had to say "no", and again he stopped. He then went to "double check" his wallet and low and behold, found a condom. We had sex and he was actually technically quite good - it wasn't awful sex but I was a bit unsure about what had happened before. It is unusual for me - I am 31, have slept with about 20 men over the years and haven't met any who have ever suggested not using a condom (until well into a relationship). And you'd expect to discuss it. Surely this is pretty high risk behaviour - I'm not on the pill or anything and he doesn't know anything about me.

He is in touch about organising another date but I'm thinking I don't really want one. I don't know what to say to him though and what tone to take. Should I bring up the condom thing? Should I just say this concerned me? Or should I just say something vague like I might be getting back with an ex?

I don't want him to think it is because he is "small" - if someone "dumped" me after first time sex when things were looking good before hand it would ramp up any insecurities I had (it's not necessarily an insecurity for him but I'm aware it might be - I hate making people feel bad).

Aside from the sex thin he has been rather lovely to me. Help please!

ClippedPhoenix Wed 02-Jan-13 18:27:35

How did you meet him, if it wasn't through friends etc. I'd just send a text to say sorry but you don't want to see him again.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:28:03

You're perfectly entitled to not see him again, for whatever reason. IMO it says a lot about him and his views towards his partners if he goes sticking it in willy nilly without a condom!

I wouldn't bring up anything, just say you've enjoyed meeting him but don't think you're right together.

potatopotato Wed 02-Jan-13 18:28:20

Why would a man with a small penis want less foreplay? hmm

sarahseashell Wed 02-Jan-13 18:28:34

I'd just say I've given it some thought and decided I don't want to pursue this relationship further, it was lovely to meet you etc. If he then asks why mention the condom issue (although I suspect he won't)

MushyPeace Wed 02-Jan-13 18:29:06

If you're thinking about dumping him then you're probably not that into it. Send him a polite "thanks but no thanks" text/email.

Think you're both equally to blame for the condom thing. Neither of you discussed it.

FundusCrispyPancake Wed 02-Jan-13 18:29:32

Maybe he is not very experienced. Did you try telling him what you wanted?

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:29:34

Oh and the fact he tried again once you'd said no makes me want to flick him extremely hard on the ballbag.

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 18:29:50

You should probably get yourself checked out for STIs.

I would dump him without a second thought. You should really both talked about condoms before you got down to business, but him just sticking it in is all wrong.

FundusCrispyPancake Wed 02-Jan-13 18:30:33

I'm a bit confused about that too potato

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 18:30:55

Plus the second attempt at going without - nope, he's a dumper for sure.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:31:07

You can dump someone at this stage by simply saying "I don't want to take this any further"

However, I would have to tell him about the condom thing, although you making assumptions was a serious error of judgement too, tbh

Onezerozero Wed 02-Jan-13 18:31:26

I think it is totally fair to say that the lack of condom thing made you uncomfortable and you don't think you can get past it.
(Other weird habits could have been ironed out, I suppose, if everything else had been perfect.)

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 18:31:32

Think you're both equally to blame for the condom thing
Why is the OP "to blame?" She made a mistake in not having one, so responsibly stopped it instead of thinking she would chance it. He's the one who kept trying his luck like a teenage boy.

potatopotato Wed 02-Jan-13 18:32:22

Glad it's not just me Fundus , I thought I was missing something obvious there confused

AuntieMaggie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:34:33

Me three potato

And I agree it was up to both
of you to discuss the condom issue...

Oh and when done right the raspberry blowing down there feels nice blush

starsandunicorns Wed 02-Jan-13 18:38:09

Bells would ring with me if you said no and tried it again i would just txed and say you felt you didnt click. I used that a few times when internet dating when i was single if he texts back ignore i used it often when on first date ie drink etc i have it done to me too

msrisotto Wed 02-Jan-13 18:38:50

Agree wuth stuffez, OP didn't want to have sex without a condom but he did. He is the irresponsible one here.

msrisotto Wed 02-Jan-13 18:39:28

I think he should know as well. Not top be mean but so he can learn for next time.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 18:42:08

Op made a mistake in not finding out the condom situation before getting down and dirty. She has stated on this thread that sex was clearly on the agenda.

However, what she is NOT responsible for is his pushing of the issue....which is actually a rather large red flag

Wishfulmakeupping Wed 02-Jan-13 18:42:48

Agree with poster- you should go to get checked out at the clinic OP

Mu1berryBush Wed 02-Jan-13 18:43:15

me four potato

I don't think you owe him a reason. Just say that you don't want to continue meeting up.

izzyizin Wed 02-Jan-13 18:43:46

As it would be a tad callous to cite his deficiencies in the bedroom department, spare his feelings by using emigrating to Australia reconciling with an ex as your get out of jail any more dates card.

FWIW, the farting noises would have been more than sufficient to give him the red card and send him packing off immediately.

ledkr Wed 02-Jan-13 18:43:46

It's not you it's me?

IceNoSlice Wed 02-Jan-13 18:44:14

Stuffez fnar @ 'sticking it in willy nilly'

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