Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Out with the old - supportive MN kick requested!(35 Posts)
Infrequent poster, mainly lurker.
Well I saw the new year in by telling my bf to move out (again) even though he's only been 'staying' whilst he looks for something else. Tis a long story and has been brewing for a while but just need to get some things off my chest and confirm that I'm not bonkers in not being happy with certain things -
*told me he loved me within a month
*early days when we'd be in bed he'd talk about one of his exes and acts surprised when i tell him several times it's not on
*first weekend away together he got a phone call from another ex and not once did he say he was in a hotel room with his gf and could he ring back
*gambler and in debt but can't stop - will occasionally cut down but when stressed etc will go on a 'bender'. refused help - done it all before!
*sarky comments/jokes/little jibes which i've told him i don't find funny. he sometimes speaks to me like crap and when i call him on it, can't see a problem
*critisim about most things - 'why are you doing that/why is this like that/how come this isn't done this way' - this can include things like buttering bread!
*never takes the blame for any crap things that happen (ie when he's gambled large amounts), and will say occasionally that it would be better if he was terminally ill?!
*was in a houseshare and when his housemate moved his pregnant gf in in Feb, was told he'd need to move out by Oct/Nov. Doesn't look for anywhere else, then decides beg Sept to move out and has nowhere to go....is surprised when I don't automatically let him move in - in fact is very miffed when I say I'm not ready to move in with him at all but he can stay a few nights till sorted. Was here for a few weeks then I kicked him out - but over Xmas wormed his way in again.
*jealous of me being out with friends - on one night we were out together with my friends, one of the girls was v drunk and kept hugging me and telling me she loves me - he calls me a lesbian!!
*when we have words, always brings it round to him - I've been full of flu so when i've started coughing, have gotten out of bed so as not to disturb him. Will ask me why I'm 'sneaking around' and when I say why I'm up and am feeling crap, he'll say well how do i feel with all your coughing, I've told you to do xyz, haven't had a decent nights sleep in ages etc etc.
*i'm a quiet person who's happy in my own company - if i don't speak to him for a while due to watching film etc, he will ask me whats wrong, why am I in a mood, over and over and when I say nothing doesn't believe me. And if me/kids are having a quiet day doing our own thing - will say he feels unwanted and like a leper?!
*had a full blown arguement with me regarding the fact that my dd (10) hadn't flushed the loo (loo slow to fill and she probably forgot). took exception when i told him to fuck off, more important things to worry about as a single parent and i wouldn't have him slagging my kids off. and again this week I told him not to argue with her over things (he can never just talk) and yet later in the day was having a stand up 'discussion' with her about germs - hard to describe but his tone and constant loud 'i am right, listen to me' over and over I absolutely hate and can't bear the way he does this to a ten yr old
*has an harassment order against him by exgirlfriend (yes I know!) yet on the anniversary of his dads death (when I'm sat at work hoping he's ok) he goes to visit her to 'put a line under things'?
*found out much later that he had affairs when married, and then cheated on above exgirlfriend with his exwife when exwife wanted another child.........
Other stuff but don't want to bore anyone further.
Jeez, not expecting any replies - think I just wanted to see it all written down!! I know I'm not a fuckwit and am not afraid of being alone etc and if this was someone else on here I'd tell them to LTB! My ds (17) is right in wanting to know why I'm with such a loser who is a gambler and has no where to live at his age.
Sorry - was longer than expected - once you start it's hard to stop!!
You should LTB, yes.
Too many red flags. You're just wasting your life with such a loser.
So, hopefully one day you will look back at this episode and wonder why, not only did you expose yourself to this tosser and put up with him for so long, but you also subjected your 10yr DD to him?? I note you are still referring to him as a BF. Don't be too proud of yourself at kicking him out yet, sounds like there is some total ending of things required, do it for your daughter if not for yourself. Zero tolerance, then examine how you got to this and what you can do to avoid a future repeat.
Good god get shot today!!
New year, so start as you mean to go on, and that icludes not being controlled by this needy, selfish joysucker who will end up completely dominating your life and demanding MORE.
If you are so blinded by this man's attractions that you can't get rid of him for yourself, do it for your child who is clearly frustrated by this tosser and wants him out of his life.
I only read a couple of bullet points about this man and if I'd had a working bullet I would have fired it at his crotch.
<shakes the OP> What the hell are you thinking, woman? Dump the bastard!
How can you be with someone who has a harassment order against him?
Seriously - he has a history of harassing girlfriends, he has no home, he's in debt because of gambling, he resents your daughter, he thinks he's entitled to be the centre of your universe at all times and will punish you if he thinks you're not stroking his ego enough.....
He's a cheat, he's self important, opinionated and critical, he has moved himself in even though he knows you don't want him there, he wishes to create a wedge between you and your friends....
He needs to get one over on your 10 yr old daughter.....
I'd much rather be alone. Ohhhhhh YES!
Thanks - confirmation and kicks gratefully received.
He is no longer bf and I am deeply ashamed of myself for letting him speak to dd the way he did (thankfully it was only twice but obviously too many).
Obviously, to start with he was lovely but the minute he got his feet under the table - the real him came out! I have never been out with someone like this before and never will again - a definite learning curve for me.
Hope you're packing his belongings as we speak.
Tell him to go find some other sucker to cocklodge with. Then shut the door. Firmly.
There's one really positive thing you can take away from this. At least one of your DCs has grown up to be an excellent judge of character and has a close enough relationship with you to have a very constructive, if personal, conversation. Every experience, good or bad, is a learning opportunity. Hope 2013 remains as cocklodger-free as it has started.
He is packing his stuff as we speak.
I do admit to being sidelined by an attractive charmer and to be fair, if I'd known some of the stuff I know now, would never have gone on that first date.
Thank you for shakes/kicks - what the actual fuck have I been doing?!
You've had your head up your bum OP, but it's ok...we all make shit decisions from time to time.
The great thing is, you have realised yours pretty sharpish and that's what will be the making of you and your daughter, and will earn you the respect of your son.
Good for you. You sound very strong!!
" what the actual fuck have I been doing?!!"
I have a lovely friend with a saying for every occasion. Her answer for your question would be .... 'when your fanny's on fire, your brains go out of the window'.
Very apt indeed Cog - thank you!
Thanks pic - you can all give yourself a pat on the back for helping with head from arse extraction!
Is there any practical advice you need? I think you might be looking at someone who will try to make it very difficult for you to break with. It's doable tho of course and really you should tackle it decisively and unwaveringly as soon as possible. And be ready for all the tactics he will try ie. no one will love you again, I will kill myself, you owe me, then stalking, harassment, all that crap. Be prepared to use the police as that can be very effective with bullies. Detach. Good luck.
Thanks free - think I'll be ok, I feel more relieved than anything else and he knows I would involve police at the drop of hat and he can't afford that (would lose his job). I can be strong (have done in the past so hoping so again) and my feelings are already starting to detach - no doubt there will be moments of weakness but that's what friends/MN are for!
He's gone! He can be someone else problem now and if he causes me any in the future (as you say I have a feeling there may be something) I will sort or get help.
He might not go quietly. Where has he gone now? Is he likely to come back looking for somewhere to stay?
Not that you'll let him...but is he going to create?
definition of a cocklodger. get shot and revel in the joy of being a single parent who doesn't have to put up with some tosspot throwing his weight around.
but seriously look at why you let him in, why you put up with him and what it means - the fact you did means something is up that needs resolving once and for all.
and talk to and apologise to dd. invite her to talk freely about what she thinks of him and why. hearing he's a tosser from a child's mouth may make it sink in properly and she needs to be allowed to vent her feelings at having been subjected to this twat.
Good for you. Well done. And I'm sorry you had to put up with him. What are these individuals like who leech off mothers? What a wanker. Anyway as you say not your prob anymore. Happy new year!
No idea where he's gone - he's technically homeless and when I told him to leave last time was sleeping in his car/on peoples floors. He has very limited friends and he asked all them last time to rent a room etc and got nowhere.
You're right pictish - he will not be staying here. If/when he returns for his things I will make sure there's someone here with me or I will leave them in back garden.
swallow - have apologised profusely to dd and said that I never should have let him speak to her in a mean way and I am really sorry for that. She said it's ok, she is fine and that she's happy he's moving out and she doesn't have to watch football/coronation st! She's aware that he was only supposed to be here a little while, has outstayed his welcome and that I won't have anyone be mean to her.
And I will look at myself and why I let such a cocklodger turn my head - of course he was very flattering/lovely in the beginning but I was always a little wary and would never let myself 'go' completely, something he would comment on by saying he felt he couldn't get close to me.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.