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my husband just threw me across the bed and called me a cunt. help. long, sorry.

(55 Posts)
2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis Mon 31-Dec-12 08:28:52

I have namechanged. I'll try not to drip feed but I'm a bit weirded out. I just need some sensible talk.

H and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6. When we first met he had lots of issues and lost his temper a fair bit, although was never violent. He cut down his drinking, had lots of couselling and seemed to have sorted himself out. He has always been quite quick to temper.. We have 2 children aged 4 and 2. He never shouts at or is aggressive in any way toward them. He does more than his equal share of houswork becuase he can't bear mess - he is almost OCD about it.

I have been noticing lately that he just doesn't seem to like me much. He is very critical (says I am messy, hints that I am lazy, criticises how I look after the children, I dont have sex enough) and always seems grumpy with me. He suffers from depression and says that he is trying hard to fight it and that I should be more understanding of his moods. I have tried very hard to be. He has started criticising me in front of other people, which I find hugely upsetting. This is intersperesed (sp??) with him being saying how much he loves me, checking and re-checking that I will never leave him etc. If I go out he always asks if there will be other men there (when I said how insulting I found this he said it's a 'joke'). I have inwardly said to myself that if things don't improve within a year then I will leave him, because I want to give the treatment and counselling he is having a chance to work.

We both work, me part time. When I work I still get up early with the kids and sort them out before I go. He does not. When I finish work I come home and put them to bed, he does not. This morning DD wanted to get up early and I thought H was getting up with her (he is off work and has been for 11 days). He refused. We had an argument because I was angry that although he has had a holiday I have not had a single lie-in (god, this sounds so pathetic but I'm trying to explain what happened). After some heated debate, but really nothing unusual, he grabbed me by the shoulders, threw me onto the bed and shouted "just fucking go to bed then, you cunt". And I mean really shouted. It hurt my shoulder as he did it, but no bruises left or anything like that. I replied that no, he can go back to bed and I'm going to call a lawyer. (I have no idea how to do that).

I know what I need to do. I really do. But I don't know how, emotionally or practically. I think know exactly how the day will go now: he will apologise, somehow try and make me take responsibility for a break up, and I think he will start using the children, as in saying if I leave him he will try and get custody blah blah blah. Because he'll be angry and nasty. He'll dismiss what happened and deny that he's violent. Not becuase this has happened before but becuase I know him so well.

I know this is what they all do. I know I'm exactly the same as so many other women, but this is my life and it doesn't seem real. I have no savings, no deposit for a flat. I have family or friends I could stay with but I need to minimise the disruption to my children. If I had the money I would be gone already. How sad is that?

I haven't told anyone yet. I need mumsnet help and strength. I'm worried I won't leave him because it's so scary. I'm educated and professional. Noone who knows me would believe I would be in this situation.

DunderMifflin Mon 31-Dec-12 08:35:20

What a nightmare - I don't have any practical advice but didn't want to read and run.

You know you're doing the right thing for the three of you.

ArtVandelay Mon 31-Dec-12 08:35:51

Call the police and report an assault. Having the attack on record will be invaluable to getting him out of the house. Really sorry - totally unacceptable.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 31-Dec-12 08:37:46

Oh love, that is awful. You don't deserve to be treated in such an awful way.

I'm glad to hear you know what to do. Because you really do need to leave him. This is abuse, he is abusive, he is damaging to you and your DC (by the model he presents, and I would lay money on the fact that he is undermining their self-confidence too in subtle ways).

Talk to people. Talk to us, talk to your most beloved and trusted friends, talk to your GP if you want to ask for medication or counseling, talk to Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) and to Refuge.

It is possible to leave with no money. Hard, but possible. There's a wonderful thread on here from a mumsnetter giving her insider's account of arriving at a Refuge. So don't discount that option. The temporary disruption to your children's lives will pay off in the short, medium and long term - this has been the experience of all MNers who left their abusers. Children THRIVE in non-abusive environments.

AmberLeaf Mon 31-Dec-12 08:38:07

That sounds awful, Im sorry that you are going through this.

I am no expert, I know others who know more will come on with good practical advice.

You can do this, your life and your childrens lives will be so much nicer without his negativity hanging over you.

Good luck and take care.

BettySuarez Mon 31-Dec-12 08:39:15

I think that the first thing you should do is phone the police. Get it on record that he assaulted you. Don't worry about lack of evidence (bruising). They will believe you and will take this very seriously.

Then tell him to leave

Iggly Mon 31-Dec-12 08:41:23

email women's aid

Who owns your house? Are you near family and friends?

RikersBeardisFresherthanSantas Mon 31-Dec-12 08:41:26

So sorry 2013. I'm sure there will be some lovely folks with tonnes of practical advice, but in the meantime try to stay strong that you k ow what it is you want and need to do next, and don't engage in any dialogue with him. Can you get you and the children out for the day somewhere safe, where you can start making the calls etc you need to?
Sorry you are going through this and wishing you all the best.

Sassee Mon 31-Dec-12 08:41:41

That sounds awful but you sound strong with your head screwed on.

I second the calling of the police. If you want to leave they will hep you access a refuge.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 08:45:15

I agree with HotDAMN.... the behaviour you're describing is abusive and I suspect it has been abusive for quite some time. When you first met and he was aggressive did he actually 'sort himself out' or did you modify your behaviour and become more submissive so that he wasn't angry with you so often? Was it you who changed for the worse rather than him changing for the better? Be honest.

Definitely talk to people. Telling friends the truth can make this more 'real' and you may find they've gone through similar. Womens Aid are a good source of information. If you want a family solicitor there is a search function on the Law Society Website here. The CSA website has a maintenance calculator. The site has an excellent benefits checker which may reassure you that you wouldn't be destitute.

I'm sure he will go on to apologise, promise to change and so forth. But 12 years of this is plenty to judge someone's personality and, if it's got worse recently, you have to act. If he has anger issues, depression, behavioural problems or whatever, he can work on them in a place of his own rather than subjecting you and your DCs to the fall-out

Good luck

StairsInTheNight Mon 31-Dec-12 08:47:29

Why do you need to leave, could you ask him to go? Could he go to his mums or something? He sounds nasty and controlling. Thinking of you x

trustissues75 Mon 31-Dec-12 08:50:08

I'm so sorry. Everyone's right - this is abuse and it's not just about this morning. It can be hard to see when you're in the middle of it. I agree contacting the police and your local women's aid would be two good first steps - and women's aid can proably recommend good lawyers too.

Lean on absoloutly every single service and friend/family member who can support you.

Huge hugs to you - it's hard, I've been there, but we were ok in the end.

2013hadbetterbebetterthanthis Mon 31-Dec-12 08:53:42

god, thank you so much. I will call my sister and see if we can go to hers for a couple of days. She will be ultra supportive. I can support myself I think - I have a relatively well paid job so I know I am very lucky. I just don't have cash for a deposit right now, but I might be able to borrow some. Things would be very hard financially but I don't think that would bother me. Its making the first step and dealing with the emotional fall out that I'm scared of.

I want to call my sister but don't want him to hear me. Why is that? I'm actually worried that when he sees me packing my bags he'll physically try to stop me taking the children away.

I can't bring myself to call the police. I just can't but don't know why. I need to make a proper plan. I'm being so pathetic.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 08:54:21

Rather than 'ask him to go'.... tell him to go. I think the only response to his aggression is to get him back out of bed, shove a suitcase at him, tell him to fill it with his stuff and to get out of the house. If you think he'd turn violent once challenged get a friend/family member to come round and be with you while you do this. Have someone collect the children. Dial 999 on the phone and have it in your hand ready to press 'send'. Whatever you do take advantage of your shock and anger to remove him... then you can think straight.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 08:57:02

Another reason to ask your sister (or the police, or both) to come over rather than you leaving.... By standing up for your right to remain in your home and rejecting him, the power balance shifts towards you and away from him.

Snowfish Mon 31-Dec-12 09:13:41

Get some legal advice. Many good solicitors will give u 30 mins free consultation & it will make u feel much better about ur future in a practical sense. Don't be embarrassed - tell ur close friends - talking helps too. I am going thru the same thing - just 2 months ahead of u. It's very hard to know whether h is ill & needs help with his anger issues/depression or whether the 2 of u just don't work together any more. Either way violence is unacceptable. Keep a diary of outbursts...

TisILeclerc Mon 31-Dec-12 09:16:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsL1984 Mon 31-Dec-12 09:40:53

Get ure sister round to back u up ... Pack his bags and tell him to get to fk!!!! Text ure sister u need her urgently!!!! Well done fr aving courage n strength xx

marriednotdead Mon 31-Dec-12 09:42:57

Do not tell him that you are going anywhere and do not tell him to leave while it is just you and the DCs in the house. I can sense your fear of him from your posts and you are afraid for good reason. I've been where you are now.

Either you pick up the DCs and get in the car in your PJs while he sleeps or wait until later when he is out. If he is going nowhere then get your sister to come and get you. It's all very well saying 'tell him to go' but it's not that simple when you fear for your physical safety.

Sadly the smart girl in a good job is as likely a victim of DV as any. If they can't win an argument because they are not intellectually superior, then brute force will suffice.

Keep posting, you can do this and you will not only survive, you and your DCs will thrive in a stress free environment.

I escaped my situation 21 years ago and I count my blessings every day.

FestiveOrganisoid Mon 31-Dec-12 09:45:25

OP keep posting. It will help.
I am over three years on now. Life is so much better.

I left. This was right for me.
Firstly he refused to leave and became aggressive.

Secondly I was able to find a house to rent, sort out benefits etc then present it to him as fait accompli. I didn't have to rely on him to sort anything out, I just did it.

Thirdly it gave me a new start. I didn't have to live in our house, sleep in our bed etc. I slept on a blow up mattress for a while but preferred that.

My house is my house. He has never lived there. I took my clothes, the dcs furniture and toys, a chest of drawers and sofa and armchair that belonged to my parents,a small kitchen table and chairs (i left the dining table) and my 'nice' cookware. I bought a cheap plateset when I first moved and have gradually got other stuff as I've gone on. I 'survived' with the essentials for a while and have a far smaller house but for me it was so worth it.

Good luck whichever route you take, making the decision that it has to end is that hardest part so you're already over the biggest hurdle. It only gets easier from there.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle Mon 31-Dec-12 09:49:19

Why should he get to stay while you uproot your kids after what he has done?

I know you are hurting right now, but you need to get angry and use that anger to help you stay strong.

The Police will be very supportive, call them and your sister.

TrazzleMISTLEtoes Mon 31-Dec-12 09:52:17

I have nothing to add except that I am proud of you for being so strong. You can do this.

AlmostAHipster Mon 31-Dec-12 10:19:36

I've been in your situation and would urge you to tell people in real life so that you can garner physical support if you are afraid of him. I had a friend drive 200 miles in a rented van to come and help me escape - it would have been so much more difficult without her.

Keep posting on here too - after suppressing your feelings for so long, you need to vent.

Be strong for your children, if you can't be for you. He'll turn on them next if you don't get them out of there.

LurcioLovesFrankie Mon 31-Dec-12 10:27:18

The police will help you. I had a friend with an abusive landlady, who wouldn't allow her back into the flat to collect her possessions. The police came with us while we packed her stuff into a transit van. Better still, in your case, they can remove him for a few days while you get time to get a restraining order in place.

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 10:27:44

At 4 & 2, your dc are unlikely to be much affected by the disruption of moving or staying somewhere else for a while - as long as they have you as their constant, they will be ok. It's not like they have school or life-long friends to worry about - they're very adaptable at these ages and won't remember much in the long-term. It's brilliant in fact that you've come to this realisation before they've seen too many more years of this relationship.

If it's easier for you to go rather than confront him & try to get him to leave, then just go.

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