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What on earth am I doing?

(35 Posts)
Utterlylostandneedtogo Sat 29-Dec-12 00:19:20

I need to get all this out before I explode, but I feel it is too late. I broke a long time ago. I apologise for it being in list form but its easier to get down and my head is a mess

DP is a heavy drinker and a pain in the arse when he's drunk
When dp comes in from work the first thing he does is change into his dressing gown, no underwear, nothing else, he stinks and it's gross and no matter how much I tell him it's gross he won't stop doing it.
Next door blast their tv until 3am. I've not had an unbroken nights sleep since October
I work full time. I have done since I was 16. I feel I've missed out on my children as a result
I am in a lot of pain. I have muscular skeletal and neurological pain problems that aren't fixable. I can't cope with this any more.
My children are at their dads until the new school year. I'm broken inside missing them
I'm sick of being the 'go to' person who everyone offloads to, but I don't have anyone who returns the favour
I'm fat. I'm ugly. When I meet someone who hasn't seen me for ages the only thing they can think of to say to me is usually 'wow hasn't your hair got long, you look, well, different now' gee thanks
My life consists of work, home, see the children for an hour before bed, then I have a bath to ease the pain and go to bed myself. I don't live, I exist.
I have no relationship with dp any more as a result of the above, I have no relationship with my children, my siblings and dps siblings are all 'perfect' all in £40k+ a year jobs and married to people with similar jobs. We're barely scraping by.

I hate it

I hate everything

I've been to the dr and been dismissed with a 'you need to learn to live with the pain, that's what's making you depressed' and that's it. No help no support nothing.

I really am a crap person

izzyizin Sat 29-Dec-12 00:27:23

For starters, change your doctor.

For the main course, dump the stinky fucker who's sucking the joy out of your lives.

And for dessert, either pay a call to your inconsiderate neighbours or call the noise nuisance team at your local council.

After that meal, you'll be ready to welcome your dc home and turn your life around in every way.

tallwivglasses Sat 29-Dec-12 00:49:59

Yup, then round it off with a well-deserved wine

tallwivglasses Sat 29-Dec-12 01:02:12

Sorry, I was just following on from izzy's train of thought and I ended up sounding a bit trite (although izzy's advice was far from, as usual).

I doubt you're as fat and ugly as you think you are. There's nothing like having a shit of a man in your life to give you low self-esteem.

Forget about everyone else living their perfect lives, no-one knows what's going on behind closed doors.

You haven't broken, but you do need a little tlc. Think of this time next year. Imagine yourself looking back on this thread as the start of positive change.

itsallinmyhead Sat 29-Dec-12 05:59:54

Christ almighty, things sound shite for you op, but you can definitely turn most of this around.

I need to echo izzy first off, change your gp, pronto! That is your first priority. It can be as easy as requesting a different gp, at the same practice.

When you've done that, you can start to take your life back. Use the list format to start prioritising each issue in terms of importance and begin to tackle each, rather than looking at it as a whole. This means things won't seem so massive and won't overwhelm you.

Look for support services in your area, mentoring? Women's centres? Services who can help you put together an action plan and implement it with practical and pastoral support.

I also agree that you need to let your neighbour know that their late night telly is having a detrimental effect on the quality of your sleep and ask if they can turn it down. If not, agree that environmental health need to be called.

Take things one step at a time. Seek RL support.

4aminsomniac Sat 29-Dec-12 08:07:09

I agree on seeing a different doctor!

I also have a chronic pain problem, and I have great sympathy for you, as it really takes the joy out of life. I have been seen at a hospital pain clinic: a lot of areas now have them, can you ask to be referred? After many different drugs/procedures/etc my consultant has actually found something that gives me some relief (after 10 years of debilitating pain). Don't take no for an answer!

If the pain is a bit better, you will find you have the strength to tackle other issues: eg Mr stinky!

Allergictoironing Sat 29-Dec-12 10:14:04

Another vote for changing your doctor, there's no excuse at all for his/her response. There are plenty of different pain relief methods out there & it can take ages of trial and error to find the right solution for you. AFAIK every hospital has a pain relief clinic and you need referral to that, plus just because the doctor thinks he knows the cause of your depression that's no reason not to treat it.

Looks like you have got to the stage where there are so many things dragging you down that you can't see where to start to make things better. Looks like you've actually done the first one though, by getting rid of your "D"P, well done smile. Take the next couple of days without the DCs to do what itsallinmyhead said and plan what you are going to do about the other things.

I would add to her list that when others come to you with their issues tell them you don't have the energy, your priority is YOU and your DCs - the relief I found when I started to do that was amazing. I don't mean never help others or let them dump on you, just when you are so low you can't afford to let their problems take priority over yours.

Possibly the most important thing I can say is STOP saying "I'm a crap person". You aren't a crap person, you're just someone who's been dealt a bad hand recently.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Sat 29-Dec-12 11:29:43

Thank you. You all make it sound so easy

Shellywelly1973 Sat 29-Dec-12 11:53:58

Just small changes at this point will help you feel better about your situation.

Think about what you can change,ie. your GP. The pain needs managing. Neighbours,speak to them,if that dosn't help,council.
Your job, can you reduce your hours?
Your partner,if he won't/can't sort out his hygiene issues or its gone beyond that-decide what you want to do.

Yeah,your right its easy for strangers to say just change blah blah blah...

My ds is disabled. I used to get so frustrated at ds, the doctors, the school& especially my dp. I realised i couldn't control what happens, but i can control how i deal with what happens to me.

You sound exhausted. You need to pick 1 thing( neighbours)&tackle it. I no how mental sleep deprivation can make you feel! Work your way through your list. You deserve a decent quality of life.

Take care. Be kind to yourself...

Allergictoironing Sat 29-Dec-12 11:58:12

I would never suggest that it's easy, it's bloody hard!

BUT - if you try to at least get a plan in place then it will get a lot easier & much less overwhelming. Write the list out, then try to prioritise it as otherwise you'll see just how long the list is & panic again. Take one thing at a time, and give yourself a pat on the back/chocolate bar/wine every time you achieve something on the list.

Keep coming back here when you manage to get things done - in general you'll receive approval from the posters & that should help you keep going. OK there are some judgypants here, but mostly we are nice people who are interested & care smile.

itsallinmyhead Sat 29-Dec-12 12:18:14

Take your time and approach each issue as and when you are up to it but again, this is where you can lean on support services to help when you're not feeling so motivated.

Forget everything else for today, focus on changing your GP and see this as a massively positive start to changing your life.

I agree with Shelly & Allergic Be kind to yourself and use this thread for support.

You've already taken a massive step forward in asking for support here, congratulate yourself for your bravery and keep the momentum going.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sat 29-Dec-12 15:24:55

I agree with everything Izzy says. You do need to find a helpful Doctor. That attitude is terrible, you should not have to put up with pain.

And yes, your "man" needs to go too. He is no good for you at all and is dragging you down.

Nooneelseisallowedafergus Sat 29-Dec-12 15:35:16

Go back to your gp and request a referral to pain clinic (based at the hospital but you attend as an outpatient). They will assess your physical problems and find solutions. Could be acupuncture, could be meds, but there will be something that helps, even if it's just a little. There are also expert patient programmes (again, ask your gp for a leaflet and you can refer yourself and get on a programme). These programmes teach you techniques to deal with your long term conditions and give you a support network.
Be assertive, say to the gp, 'i have arranged this appointment to get a referral for pain clinic for x y and z. Would you do this for me please as I work full time, have a busy home life and need some help with my pain'.
It'll be ok.

izzyizin Sat 29-Dec-12 16:59:37

The tasks of changing your doctor and reporting noise nuisance are easy and should take very little time to effect.

Kicking your dp out may take a tad longer. Do you own or rent the property you are living in, and are the deeds/mortgag/tenancy agreement in joint names or your sole name?

Utterlylostandneedtogo Sun 30-Dec-12 20:14:08

I'm going to change GP tomorrow and also contact the council.

I can't help but think once I get a grip on the bits that are stopping me sleep my relationship with Dp may improve. I'm going to burn his dressing gown tomorrow when he's at work to get round that one. Yes I've reached those kind of lengths now!

I feel empty. Everyone is getting hyped about New Years parties but no one has asked if I want to join them. They've all asked what am I doing....when I say nothing they change the subject.

Least I'm home alone tomorrow and can ignore the world (although it keeps ignoring me so not sure what that would achieve!)

Allergictoironing Sun 30-Dec-12 21:35:42

I would have thought you would be looking for ways to end the relationship with your "D"P rather than hope it improved wink - a stinky drunk who doesn't appear to help you in any way?

But seriously, burning the dressing gown sounds like a good move to me and changing your GP an even better one. Sounds like you've managed to start prioritising the issues and are finally managing to see the wood for the trees grin. Have a wine or brew as a pat on the back, you are sounding much more in control of yourself & thinking more clearly smile.

Hassled Sun 30-Dec-12 21:40:23

Your stinking, drunk DP is not the father of your kids and you work FT so presumably are financially self-sufficient - or at least could cope? So - how does he benefit your life? Why are you with him? Would life be easier or harder without him?

You've had a lot of good advice - and a hell of a hard time. Will be thinking of you. Baby steps - one thing at at time; you can't do all of this at once. But you can do it.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:44:12

I think I need to get me right and me strong enough to tackle the him and us issues.

Allergictoironing Sun 30-Dec-12 22:08:20

Yep that seems to be the right priority. Get yourself strong again, and as pain free as the pain clinic can manage, THEN look at the next steps. Knowing you have a plan, both short & long term, should help make you feel stronger too.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 22:18:47

Make a start by changing your doctor or insisting on a referral to a pain clinic and having a word with your neighbours, or calling noise nuisance, so that you can get a good sleep every night.

Has the dreaded dressing gown gone up in smoke yet?

BadLad Mon 31-Dec-12 07:52:15

Re your "perfect siblings", you need to stop comparing yourself to them, especially as a measure of success. You sound like you have a lot to cope with - they might well not be able to deal with working full time, your illnesses and unhelpful partner.

Why does your DP smell, by the way?

Fairylea Mon 31-Dec-12 08:05:07

Could your dp be depressed too? Do you still love him? If you do it may be possible to work together and sort things out.... personal hygiene is often one of the first things to go with men and depression, the drinking may also be part of that but it depends on whether he just has form for this.

Definitely agree re changing your doctor.

Then burn the dressing gown and work out whether you actually want to be with dp or not. You don't owe him or anyone else anything you know. You don't need permission to leave him.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Mon 31-Dec-12 19:36:24

Dressing gown has been burned.

He works long hours but when he gets home he sees no reason to have a shower before changing which would combat the problem. Then by the time he's gone to bed (usually by 9) he's still not showered or washed then he's up so early in the morning he usually had a top and tail at the sink which helps a but isn't thorough. I think he has a proper shower or bath twice a week maybe. I refuse to go near him when he's like that.

He could well be depressed and in all honesty he probably is but he is of the opinion depression is a made up illness and that its something people 'get for attention'. He's had a lot to deal with in the last 2 years I'd say its more than got on too of him.

I do love him, a lot, but I really don't like him or find him attractive at the moment.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Tue 01-Jan-13 00:54:30

Well at five to midnight he instigated a massive row about our sex life (or rather the lack thereof) and has now stropped off to bed calling me unreasonable and unrealistic.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Tue 01-Jan-13 00:54:40

Happy fucking new year

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