Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Think its over need hand holding.

(45 Posts)
A1980 Mon 26-Nov-12 15:57:56

I can't believe I'm writing this. it's so painfully sad and ridiculous a situation.
Met a great man 9 months ago. he had his fair share if problems and I tried to be there. He got more and.more.distant. I never knew where I stood. I started going days without a phone call and I began to.get.insecure. I started getting angry and.lashing out. Ihad tried to give him space, reach out and talk and nothing worked.
We are probably going to split up and I am devastated to find out that all along we loved each other deeply but didn't say it due to hurt from past relationships.
So it's unfixable by the look of it. I want to patch it up I don't think he does. so I think tonight I will lose the only man I ever loved who also loved me but we didn't know.
Oh god how do I get over this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-Nov-12 16:35:05

Of course he didn't/doesn't love you. He's only saying it now you're breaking up because, like a UKIP manifesto, he can say what he likes and there's no chance of ever actually having to follow through Be under no illusion - he didn't mess you around, ignore you, become distant and fail to communicate due to hurt from past relationships, he messed you around because he's a messing around type of person. He didn't make you happy because he didn't want to make you happy. He chose to behave the way he did

Please don't attempt to patch this up. Learn a lesson which is 'don't take a man on that has lots of problems'. Like rescuing a bird with a broken wing, you'll put your heart and soul into the project only to watch him one day fly away. Make your next man a nice, together type that doesn't mess you about.

You'll get over it. Good luck

A1980 Mon 26-Nov-12 16:38:20

We did love each other. he said it to me 4 months ago on holiday and I wasn't sure he said it and didn't react. he backed off and never said it again. I had heard him correctly afterall. I can't believe it.

izzyizin Mon 26-Nov-12 17:28:26

tonight I will lose the only man I ever loved who also loved me but we didn't know

If there's any truth in that statement there's no reason why you should be splitting up tonight, is there?

On the other hand, if you split up you'll know that you were in love with an illusion rather than the reality of who he is.

Either way, it seems to me youre in a win-win situation.

KatieScarlett2833 Mon 26-Nov-12 17:32:56

It's what they DO not what they SAY

Men 101

A1980 Mon 26-Nov-12 17:40:08

We were in each others arms crying for hours last night. I told him I love him and he said 'I loved you' so not anymore apparently.
Parting shot this morning was we'd work it out and that sometimes bad things have to happen for good things to come out of it but I don't think it will last.
I think he May have been placating me though.
I am 33 with no money and no property and my fertility about to run out as I have pcos. No one else will want me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 26-Nov-12 17:43:01

Best always to take a man on face value, I find. If he said 'loved' in the past tense then don't get your hopes up. As for being washed up at 33... come on... you don't have to settle for someone riddled with problems and who can't convince you he loves you.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Nov-12 17:49:00

He doesn't sound like somebody who was in love with you. Why did he go days without calling??? He made you insecure and angry- did you truly, hand on heart want a future like that?? You'll meet someone else of you truly want to. Really not wanting to be rude but he doesn't sound very nice at all- even if someone has had bad relationships they shouldn't treat a partner the way you described.

GladitsnotJustMe Mon 26-Nov-12 17:49:09

Hi - I too found my self single in my early 30s, so please don't feel like no one else will want you.

One thing that REALLY helped me, was reading the book "He's just not that into you".. I'm not one for self-help books, but this is such a brilliant wake up call. It's written by a man and woman team, the woman describes a lot of situations where we women can delude ourselves that a man must be interested because he did this, or that.. The man analyses each scenario and says, look, if he really likes you, he would make it happen. If he hasn't, then he's just not that into you.

There's another similar one called "It's called a Breakup because it's broken", which also helped. I hope they help you - and please don't give up on finding someone who really is into you smile

scaevola Mon 26-Nov-12 18:00:32

I thinking was probably doomed from when the daily phone calls ended. I'm not so sure about the book, but I do think he just wasn't that into you.

This is the time when you need to be kind to yourself; go out with good friends, pick up the hobbies you like, have a massage or other treat etc.

SoleSource Tue 27-Nov-12 00:07:51

He did not love you. He used you to feel beter about his flagging ego. Not nice. Whena man loves a woman IME boy you know about it as plain as day. No decoding his meaning, needed, whatsoever. He is a player and emotionally draining. Maybe talk to a professional and learn ti like/love you first. I am trying it too.

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 17:42:52


He first wanted a break and I wouldn't agree and issued an ultimatum so he chose to end it but he didn't sound sure.

I then agreed to a break so he can get himself sorted as he has been under enormous pressure: ill health, family bereavement, and lost his job. He is in turmoil. We then both became much happier on the phone and talked about how we'd manage it and what we'd tell family. We ended by saying and then afterwards texting that we loved each other.

He needs time to recover physically from his illness and to get another job. oh well. its a leap of faith. lets see how it goes.

SundaysGirl Thu 29-Nov-12 18:04:41

But what happens next time he has a problem? Another break?

He's already tried to break up with you when you said you didn't want a break. Then you agreed to one?

Sorry but it sounds like he is trying to break it off but not wanting to make the final push, you both crying in each others arms all night and then him sayng he wants a break? Total headfuck and you are only 9 months in? Is this really what you want from a relationship?

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 18:22:52

He was fine until he lost his job. I noticed the change in him: beside himself with worry. he said none of the problems with him Would've happened if he hadn't lost his job and had a long illness.

It is a headfuck. but I have to ask myself how fucked up I'd be if all of the stresses he's had happened to me.

GrumpyCynicalBastard Thu 29-Nov-12 18:25:42

Sorry, agree with everyone else. He's not that into you - you're grasping at VERY thin fragile straws. You mustn't allow yourself to believe someone loves you on the basis of the odd word here and there. Words that could mean something else entirely. I can see you're trying to talk yourself into believing what you so desperately want to believe. You'd do better to listen to the words of wisdom spoken to you here by so many others.

Fuckitthatlldo Thu 29-Nov-12 18:27:25

Oh op I'm so sorry, but this is like car crash telly. I'm cringing on your behalf.

We women do like to hang on for dear life don't we?

Why don't you do yourself a favour, gather together the last of your self respect, and dump him.

This particular love story just aint going to have the ending you were hoping for. Sorry.

LemonDrizzled Thu 29-Nov-12 18:29:32

You sounds like you both love to have drama in your life. How exhausting!

Why don't you give him lots of space to recover and sort himself out while you get on with your life and move on? If it is meant to be he will come and find you and win you back. If not you will have moved on. Like Izzy said it's a win/win!

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 18:43:30

I know, I know. I am totally aware how this sounds and am going through the grieiving process on the basis that we wont get back together.

I would assume he wasn't into me but we were fine together in person but only when apart the calls had dropped off. I literally did not know the extent of the strain he was under and becasue I didn't know I let rip at him last week for nothing and may have caused the end myself. Oh well.

tipsytrifle Thu 29-Nov-12 19:03:11

So you've agreed an open ended break? ok. It's something of a headfuck ride ahead. Also ok if you can cope with it - and i think that's what you've chosen for now, right?

Stuff happens and it does sound like this chap's had a plateful to deal with but you have posted so you're the focus.

I'd recommend you re-acquaint your self with experiences, hobbies, people you know beyond this relationship while you try and support this man emotionally. T see no reason why you shouldn't give this a go (for now) but it's essential that you also remind yourself that you are totally engaged in your own life. He is, it seems to me, part of your life for now. He should in no way be regarded as all of it. Nor should he be regarded as someone you can in any way lean on for anything. If you are a giving sort, which it seems you are, then this is a giving time. Until you decide it isn't. If the situation becomes one in which the giving drains or overwhelms you, demands more and more and more so that you lose the plot, then is a time to re-assess.

There must be inner t's and c's to your giving is what i'm saying. This relationship is probably going to be fairly one-sided for a while and it's up to you how long that's do-able. If it goes on too long you'll know because you'll be worn out, drama-ridden and dependent on its negativity.

If you need to know where you stand with anyone then you should look to yourself and your world for that confirmation.

Have you got it in you to support him almost as a friend would? Can you suspend your needs relationship-wise for a time? If not then re-assess your commitment now. Preferably without the "only man i ever loved" romanticism? nothing wrong with romance i might add but sometimes it needs to be tempered, fine tuned ...

An amount of detachment is required if you're going to try and support someone close through a hard time, especially on the basis of a potential future. Sometimes because of it.

"he said none of the problems with him Would've happened if he hadn't lost his job and had a long illness." Is this true in your opinion? How well do you really really know anyone after a few months?

9mths really isn't that long a time. Invest in yourself as much as this situation, if for no other reason than to keep a clear head to balance your heart.

My first post here after a year of lurking. Couldn't find how to do italics and just hope my comments are of some use OP

tipsytrifle Thu 29-Nov-12 19:03:53

*doh .. just seen the italics code ... sorry *sigh

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 19:11:01

Yes. Tipsy He is the kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I ever met. I saw the cange in him when he got sick and lost his job. I was powerless to help and may have made it worse.

He said his family issues were nearly resolved now he just needs to recover from his illness and get a new job. A month maybe. But we haven't discussed how it's going to work out and if we are gonig to talk at all during the break as it was really late at night. I can support him as a friend as that is what i was trying to do. His parting shot was saying he loved me on text.

I hope I can cope too: have seen my GP for support.

Should I stay in contact with him and how often?

tipsytrifle Thu 29-Nov-12 19:31:01

ohhh A1980 - you've seen your GP for support? How come?

It's up to you how often/if you maintain contact. What would a friend do? It sounds weird but i'm thinking that maybe treating this more as a close friendship might be a better guide than the lovers' version - but i'm no expert, just thinking aloud based on intuition. You are your own best guide and, in a way his witness, from what you say. You noted the change in him and believe it to be genuinely based on events in his life.

All i'm suggesting is that you need to be strong, you clearly have the will. I've been supported by love from friends and vice versa. Taught me a lot about my own limits/capabilities and what to do about them ... this situation may do the same for you.

I've also learned not to sacrifice myself for others too, nor can anyone be "saved" who doesn't choose it (and believe me some don't) but maybe that's a discussion/thought for later on?

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 19:36:15

Becasue i've fallen apart. I've broken up with people before I was fine and i kept going. With him, I've never felt pain like it as I truly love him and I in a way caused it.

I cannot eat, sleep or function properly. i have lost 9lbs in weight since last week. My Gp has had to medicate me and sign me off work.

We were absolutely fine as we agreed the break on the phone and started laughing and joking again as we always did. We had some mutual events to go to next week and after but i don't think we're going now.

Isn't a break just that: a break?! Would you advise contact.

Doha Thu 29-Nov-12 19:42:08

Break = break just what it says,

No contact AT ALL otherwise it is not a break

A1980 Thu 29-Nov-12 19:45:15

Or just a break from seeing each other?

There's no right or wrong answer surely? I don't know.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now