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What to do What to do????(13 Posts)
My husband and I are going through a difficult time. Him more than me. He's not happy on all sorts levels with the way things are going, with work, with our house, with where we live. He is incredibly moody and he is taking it out on me. He has been away on and off a lot over the last 9 months and whenever he is home the atmosphere is dreadful. When its just me and the kids its light and easy. When he home we row all the time because I don't agree with things he says rather than discussing them. When he was going away for work last week we rowed just before going to the airport and all the way to the airport and he said spiteful things like I'm leaving and taking the kids. He asked me a few days ago in a row I need to think about weather I want him here on not... Since then he has rung and acted like nothing is going on. When I said we needed to talk properly he got the hump to bully me out of that statement and then when that didn't work put the phone down (I have asked him not to do this before). When he rang to talk just as I was sitting down for dinner he got the hump again and was rude again to me. I am trying to be calm and not react to his behaviour but I think I have had enough.
I don't work yet but may have a job in the next few week which would support me and my family, my parents own the house we are currently living in (which I have agreed to but from them in six months). We own loads of money but we can, at the moment repay the debt without too much trouble.
We live abroad and then it would difficult to find here
He sounds like a bit of a bully and a kid always wanting his own way but he must care if he calls you when hes away on business.
Tell him how much you are upset right now. If he doesnt listen or hangs up, consider whether you really want to be with this man. Yu said yourself that things seem to be easier when he is gone so perhaps life would be so much easier with him out of the house permanantely, just meeting to take the children from you at weekends etc...
or maybe just take a trial break of say 3 months. In that time he could relaise how much he hurt you and try again but I have to say beinbg without him sounds like the easier and more stress-free option to me.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do xxx
In my experience relationships can go through rough times like you describe, I've been where you are more than once over the last 2-3 years
Working away has also affected my relationship with dp in much the same way as you describe.
Also, I've said some terrible things to dp and visa versa, when we go through the rough times.
Bottom line for me is this...
Do you love him?
If you do, find some time for each other where you are under less pressure, a weekend away perhaps?
Also, and I know its hard, make the first move, tell him some nice things and that he is loved, you might be surprised at how well he responds, its lonely working away
I've told hih how much he has hurt me and he says he is sorry but goes right back to his pattern of behaviour. I realise working away is hard and relationships have difficult times but thhis feels like more. When we have a row I rtya and make the first move but he often uses it as confirmation that his behaviour is okay.
Here's my opinion FWIW.
I think getting a job is an excellent idea. Even if you wind up staying together it gives you more power in the relationship IYKWIM. It also sounds like a good idea to get your financial affairs in order just in case. Don't buy the house until you feel certain that all is well on the home front. Ask yourself how much you really want to work things out. Do you love him enough to try? Will it be easier in the long run? Is he going to be a PITA about custody of children etc.? How is his relationship with the children and how will a divorce or seperation affect them? I am not at all suggesting that you stay just for the children or just because it is too much trouble to leave, just wanted to give food for thought. My ex-dh was a horrible bully, always wanting to pick a fight about something. He seemed to actually enjoy it. Luckily we didn't have children so after I left I was able to sever ties completely.
What good questions, most of them I am asking myself but am not coming up with answers.
Ask yourself how much you really want to work things out. NOT SURE RIGHT NOW BUT I'M ANGRY.
Do you love him enough to try? I DO LOVE HIM BUT RIGHT NOW I DONT KNOW IF ITS HIM RIGHT NOW OR WHAT WE HAD BEFORE OR BECAUSE HE IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN.
Will it be easier in the long run? I DON'T KNOW
Is he going to be a PITA about custody of children etc.? I DON'T KNOW BUT HE WOULD FIND IT HARD TO DO ANYTHING BUT WEEKEND DAD.
How is his relationship with the children and how will a divorce or seperation affect them? OBVIOUSLY THEY LOVE HIM AND MY SON IS HAPPIEST WHEN HE IS WITH HIS DAD (IN A GOOD MOOD). THEY ARE ONLY 3 AND 7.
Over all I just go around in circles with no answers and only want to do whats best for the children primarily and then me. My husband I want to be happy but I can't make him so.
DH and I have a similar problem. I stay at home..starting school this semester... and he works.
i dread when he gets off works because i feel as if we are walking on thin ice. BUT---I figured out that i can be happy and let him be miserable. I just point out the good stuff when he is pointing out the bad. when he is in a bad mood, i just act happier....I am hoping that it will rub off on him.
He is a pestimist and so WAS I---U can change the situation with yourself if not with him. When he comes home find something for you and the children to do. Leave him out of it. If he gets mad because you all are ignoring him. Tell him no one wants to be brought down with him. Ask him if he wants to talk...if not oh-well. It sounds stupid and mean. I tried every other way...Since though he has become much better...and in the mist of it all so have i.
Today things have moved on a bit...
He has rung and said he is saying in England for 2 weks to sorts out business. I think he had a row with his sister and she told a few home truths and he seems a bit shaken by her comments (not that he said anything to me) So we have a few weeks to sort out our heads and then we can talk when he returns.. Probably for the best.
That sounds like good timing for you to have a little space. There's never a quick and easy answer unfortunately. Life is just messy and complicated!
I wouldn't buy your parent's home from them yet unless you're absolutely sure you're going to stay together. Too messy if you split.
I'd get down to couples counselling pronto. If you're not at a stage where you can't stand to be with him, it might be saveable. If you think he won't agree to go, then he obviously doesn't value his relationship enough, so it's not worth saving. Counselling really helps.
Second the counselling. If not for both of you, then go just for yourself. It really can help you sort things out.
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