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I've decided I no longer expect fidelity in a relationship

(47 Posts)
secunda Sun 13-Jun-10 23:28:16

Bit sad I suppose, but my experience of men overall has added up to the conclusion that only a small minority are faithful (as in forever and ever faithful). I have been hit on by probably about 10 men who were supposed to be happily attached/married but who really weren't, some quite forcefully, and been cheated on a couple of times (although tbh I wasn't bothered as wasn't that into him). It just seems that after a certain period of time in a relationship (marriage, really), it's almost inevitable, and that the ideal of complete fidelity and truthfulness that's held up as the norm today is just naive and unrealistic. Not saying that I wouldn't chuck someone if they were running an entire parallel relationship alongside me, but if it was just a shag I would try not to let it bother me.

Is this a sensible attitude or is just going to make me sad in the end?

moondog Sun 13-Jun-10 23:31:09

I wouldn't throw away a good relationship for the sake of a shag either.
Wouldn't go out to encourage it but realistically, people are tempted ,have weak moments and so on.

It wouldn't be the be all and end all for me 9different if a full blown emotional affair involving months of deceit).

mjinhiding Sun 13-Jun-10 23:34:59

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mjinhiding Sun 13-Jun-10 23:35:00

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mjinhiding Sun 13-Jun-10 23:36:12

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AnyFucker Sun 13-Jun-10 23:37:02

It depends what you want in life

Your negative experiences, I can understand, would make you lower your expectations

But all you want for your future self meaningless shags ????

Not all men are faithless shits

I have a man who isn't a faithless shit, and he has had his fair share of opportunity/provocation

I think there are pro/cons either way

If I were ever to split up with DH...I would never marry again, but I would make sure I didn't miss out on sex

If you start a relationship though, with the premise that you would forgive infidelity, then what is the point ? Unless you are both clear it is an open one, then someone will inevitably get hurt

If you want monogamy, don't give up

if you don't (for yourself), then that is OK too

Just make sure it is what you want and not something you would compromise yourself for, to keep a fuckwit of a man

IsGraceAvailable Sun 13-Jun-10 23:39:49

I have a clear policy, but it's not one I'd advertise to a partner. I reckon a one-off shag is of little consequence. I am FAR more put out by ongoing intimacy, which excludes me. I think it's all about what has been "taken out" of the relationship. A quick shag takes very little out imo.

Mind you, Secunda, the stats seem to show that 65% of attached, hetero men are unfaithful. This means 35% are. If there is a next time for me, I plan on finding one of the one-in-three!

secunda Sun 13-Jun-10 23:41:41

Oh no, I do want meaningful relationship(s). And I wouldn't go into the relationship all 'hey, if you want to boff someone else that's fine with me'. But I would, privately, accept that at some point along the line it's highly likely. I see marriage, long-term, as being sort of like a business as well as a relationship. It's about how you organise your lives. Oh God, I sound like Mary Archer. Bad sign.

IsGraceAvailable Sun 13-Jun-10 23:41:44

* 35% are faithful

mjinhiding Sun 13-Jun-10 23:44:10

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sayithowitis Sun 13-Jun-10 23:44:43

For me, fidelity is very important. So, yes, 'just a shag' would be a very big deal for me and it would be the end of my relationship. When I married DH, I promised to be faithful to him, as he did to me. I stand by that promise and expect him to do the same. We both know how the other feels about it. I suppose if you had an agreement at the outset that shagging around would be acceptable, that might work for some, but without that agreement at the beginning, I would feel trust had been destroyed. I could not remain in any relationship if I had no trust or respect for my partner and if I felt that he had no respect for me. The fact that he felt able to sleep with someone els, knowing how I feel about it, would indicate no respect for me and therefore our relationship would be over.

secunda Sun 13-Jun-10 23:47:39

I don't trust. Not 100%.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Jun-10 23:48:46

secunda, in that case, you should strive for what you want

don't settle

for me, infidelity of the one-night-stand or emotional variety would be a deal-breaker and I would expect the same approach by my DH

expatinscotland Sun 13-Jun-10 23:50:39

What AnyFucker said.

secunda Sun 13-Jun-10 23:54:37

But isn't it unrealistic? Especially with certain types of men, i.e. alpha males. Too many bad experiences I suppose.

IsGraceAvailable Sun 13-Jun-10 23:58:30

There is that, sayithowitis - as I don't advertise my policy, he would be deciding not to care about my feelings. And, presumably, keeping secrets - which is a big issue for me. I have coped far better with an immediate confession than all that secret squirrel stuff. In fact, I will never snoop again: it's demeaning. If I feel the need to snoop, I'll be outta there before I've hacked his phone book. God, I've grown all harsh, haven't I??!

HerBeatitude Mon 14-Jun-10 00:00:46

oh gawd are alpha males more likely to be unfaithful then?

secunda Mon 14-Jun-10 00:02:58

of course they are. In fact I would go so far as to say that I've never met one who IS faithful

mjinhiding Mon 14-Jun-10 00:04:59

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mjinhiding Mon 14-Jun-10 00:04:59

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Tortington Mon 14-Jun-10 00:07:04

dh is certain that if he cheated on me that wouldbe the end of that.

what he doesn;t know is that - like others - a one off shag would probably be forgiven - however the fallout would be massive - and perhaps the relationship may break down anyway if i just couldnt get over it - however i think that i would try and repair things.

if the one off shag - then forgiven becuase another one off shag - then thats one too many

one mistake you make - two...well thats just taking my dignity and i couldnt keep my self respect if i forgave it twice. it would make me feel stupid and worthless

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jun-10 00:08:20

So, stop going after the alpha males

My DH isn't an alpha male

He is a quiet, confident, secure type happy in his own skin

I find alpha males to be brash, insecure and needy...who the fuck wants to be with someone like that ?

IsGraceAvailable Mon 14-Jun-10 00:08:48

Secunda, I know one or two "alpha males" whom I really believe are faithful. Significantly fewer than 35% though.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 14-Jun-10 00:17:27

I don't want monogamy in a relationship. I'm not monogamous and have better things to do with my time than worry about keeping a metaphorical padlock on someone else's genitalia. But then I honestly don't understand why some people make such a great big deal about it - sex is nice, and fun (and if it's not, you shouldn't be doing it), I don't see any reason why people shouldn't have as much of it as they want and there are willing fellow participants for.
Having said that, I think that if one is going to date people who do havea monogamy fetish, one should accept this fetish and not disregard it - or not enter into a relationship with the person in the first place.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jun-10 00:20:33

but you see, sgb gives the impression that everyone in a monogamous relationship is a morass of sexual jealousy, constantly worrying where their partner is dipping his wick, checking up and generally worrying themselves stupid

it just ain't so

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