Bit sad I suppose, but my experience of men overall has added up to the conclusion that only a small minority are faithful (as in forever and ever faithful). I have been hit on by probably about 10 men who were supposed to be happily attached/married but who really weren't, some quite forcefully, and been cheated on a couple of times (although tbh I wasn't bothered as wasn't that into him). It just seems that after a certain period of time in a relationship (marriage, really), it's almost inevitable, and that the ideal of complete fidelity and truthfulness that's held up as the norm today is just naive and unrealistic. Not saying that I wouldn't chuck someone if they were running an entire parallel relationship alongside me, but if it was just a shag I would try not to let it bother me.
Is this a sensible attitude or is just going to make me sad in the end?
I have a clear policy, but it's not one I'd advertise to a partner. I reckon a one-off shag is of little consequence. I am FAR more put out by ongoing intimacy, which excludes me. I think it's all about what has been "taken out" of the relationship. A quick shag takes very little out imo.
Mind you, Secunda, the stats seem to show that 65% of attached, hetero men are unfaithful. This means 35% are. If there is a next time for me, I plan on finding one of the one-in-three!
Oh no, I do want meaningful relationship(s). And I wouldn't go into the relationship all 'hey, if you want to boff someone else that's fine with me'. But I would, privately, accept that at some point along the line it's highly likely. I see marriage, long-term, as being sort of like a business as well as a relationship. It's about how you organise your lives. Oh God, I sound like Mary Archer. Bad sign.
For me, fidelity is very important. So, yes, 'just a shag' would be a very big deal for me and it would be the end of my relationship. When I married DH, I promised to be faithful to him, as he did to me. I stand by that promise and expect him to do the same. We both know how the other feels about it. I suppose if you had an agreement at the outset that shagging around would be acceptable, that might work for some, but without that agreement at the beginning, I would feel trust had been destroyed. I could not remain in any relationship if I had no trust or respect for my partner and if I felt that he had no respect for me. The fact that he felt able to sleep with someone els, knowing how I feel about it, would indicate no respect for me and therefore our relationship would be over.
There is that, sayithowitis - as I don't advertise my policy, he would be deciding not to care about my feelings. And, presumably, keeping secrets - which is a big issue for me. I have coped far better with an immediate confession than all that secret squirrel stuff. In fact, I will never snoop again: it's demeaning. If I feel the need to snoop, I'll be outta there before I've hacked his phone book. God, I've grown all harsh, haven't I??!
dh is certain that if he cheated on me that wouldbe the end of that.
what he doesn;t know is that - like others - a one off shag would probably be forgiven - however the fallout would be massive - and perhaps the relationship may break down anyway if i just couldnt get over it - however i think that i would try and repair things.
if the one off shag - then forgiven becuase another one off shag - then thats one too many
one mistake you make - two...well thats just taking my dignity and i couldnt keep my self respect if i forgave it twice. it would make me feel stupid and worthless
I don't want monogamy in a relationship. I'm not monogamous and have better things to do with my time than worry about keeping a metaphorical padlock on someone else's genitalia. But then I honestly don't understand why some people make such a great big deal about it - sex is nice, and fun (and if it's not, you shouldn't be doing it), I don't see any reason why people shouldn't have as much of it as they want and there are willing fellow participants for. Having said that, I think that if one is going to date people who do havea monogamy fetish, one should accept this fetish and not disregard it - or not enter into a relationship with the person in the first place.
but you see, sgb gives the impression that everyone in a monogamous relationship is a morass of sexual jealousy, constantly worrying where their partner is dipping his wick, checking up and generally worrying themselves stupid