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mother in law only interested in new baby.......

(44 Posts)
littlelion Thu 11-Aug-05 11:13:54

I dont have a mother inlaw from hell but she does try to take over whatever the situation might be, and likes to always have her own way. DH and me had a baby boy 5wks ago and as I had a pretty awful pregnancy and then had a week of being induced we decided we would have the first week by ourselves. I had suffered with spd and was not very mobile, I could not even stand up and hold my ds in my arms and wanted to have some recovery time. Well, mil was not happy and was putting us under pressure to visit us sooner, but we stood firm. The day I came out of hospital we bumped into her and fil as we picked up a prescription on the way home so they did see their 1st granchild all be it only half an hour.
when they did visit us ds was crying alot as he had acid reflux so I soothed him as did dh, as soon as I left the room mil took ds from dh, I could not even look at her. I took ds upstairs to bed and soothed him for 2 hours til he slept through exhaustion.
We visited mil and fil one afternoon and as we were getting ds out of the car mil was trying to move me out of the way, needless to say I did not move, and because of acid reflux he was being sick so I sat down to settle him and clean him and mil was about to take him off me til I said that I was going to do this as other wise he would not settle down. Once he was ok I gave ds to mil for a cuddle, and I was then in the background for the rest of the time we were there.
the day before my birthday mil suggested visiting us to give me my card (this has not happened before) but we had plans to visit my mum that evening and my brother would also be there so said we would sort another day out. DH had to go and look at a job with his brother so he dropped me off at my mums and within five minutes mil and fil turned up!!! I was not happy as I thought it a bit rude to turn up unanounced, so I sat with my mum, fed ds, and when dh came back got ready to go home......its like mil didnt want to miss out on anything.
A few days later she asked if we wanted to go over to her place when it is dh birthday.....again this has never happened, dh said that we were going out for a meal.....and it would be just the three of us.

The more she pushes herself on us the more I will just move back a step, since she kicked up such a fuss when I came out of hospital that has made me feel just a little bit cheesed off as she was being selfish and not thinking of dh and me. I dont want to push her away as I loved my nan and always looked forward to seeing her and getting cuddles and I would like that for ds. My family are really easy going but mil is not, and so I find this hard to cope with......we have already had to sort out what we want to do for christmas as I am sure she will expect us to be there.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

meggymoo Thu 11-Aug-05 11:27:48

Message withdrawn

jenk1 Thu 11-Aug-05 11:50:41

my mil is always trying to get dh and dd not me or ds(-who is not dh biological child ) to go to hers. when she comes to visit she insists dh picks her up and drops her off then trys to get him in the house for a few hours-even at night when its late, the other week we were leaving and dh was trying to start the car but couldnt cos she had him in a headlock sort of hug and wouldnt let go, she,s always saying things like "oh she doesnt want to know her mum does she, shes all for her dad" which reallr riles me and i havent found an answer to that one yet-any suggestions would be appreciated, im luck in that dh finds her annoying as well and usually agrees with me, i think u have to stand your ground however hard it might be. Its stressful enough coping with a new baby without interfering MIL,s around,really understand what u r going thru
BIG HUGS

saadia Thu 11-Aug-05 12:00:40

jenk1, lol at the headlock hug

littlelion Thu 11-Aug-05 12:34:28

so glad that I am no the only one, because I was starting to wonder if I was the one who was being selfish......dh is very supportive although I can see it is hard for him as usually what his mum says goes....with no question.
meggymoo cannot beleive your mil just before you had ds.....what a cheek, and did she not think you were hormonal enough!!!
Luckily she does not drive as we are only 15 mins away, she would have to get 2 buses which would take over an hour to get here, but think I might get a little sign made just incase fil decides to bring her in the evening.
jenk1 that made me laugh, mil's headlock, shouldve asked her if she was taking up wrestling. Depending on circumstances and appart from telling her to 'shut up' whilst trying to strangle her when mil says 'shes all for her dad' maybe you could say 'well she knows her mum isnt a soft touch' giving her a little hint, or 'mums been on duty all day, she knows its dads turn now'
It is hard work being a mum and you would think that mil's would remember what it was like when they were new to the job.

Trudstar Thu 11-Aug-05 13:17:59

And I thought it was only me who was living with the missery of mil!! It all started with them turning up 5 hours after i had just had my dd by emergencey c-section! Mil. fil, both sil and their partners!!! Not funny when you are lying there knackered from being up all night in labour and not being able to move from the waist down! All I wanted was my dh there as he had been sent away while they moved us back onto the ward so I was desperate for us to spend some time together. Now 2 and a bit years later she is just as much of a pain in the neck!! We need a bigger house for all the stuff she buts my dd and when they come to vist (luckily 2 hours away!)I don't get a look in for the whole day! My dh agrees with me completely but he doesn't say much as she gets upset and has child like strops. I know things will never get any better so I have just learnt to accecpt it and not let it bother me. Unwanted or needed gifts got lost or broken and I see their visits as a chance to have a bit of me time!!

littlelion Thu 11-Aug-05 15:16:36

good job you couldnt move trudstar, otherwise you might have assaulted them with the afterbirth. What on earth were they thinking......sounds as though they thought they were on a family outing!

Trudstar Thu 11-Aug-05 15:33:32

Now she pesters me to have another child and says she will come and stay if I have to have a c-section again so she can help. I think we will have to move house and not tell her, or better still, emigrate!!
We regularly have family outing visits from the IL tribe and I have just learnt to smile and cope as best I can to get through the day. I let them get on with it, take over the house, even bring food or cook for us all!! I think she likes to show me how a good wife and mother should be (like she was/is!)as when my dh and I married she used to ring up and ask what we were having for dinner and who was cooking it-in fact she still does now sometimes!!You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family-even if they are only in-laws.

littlelion Thu 11-Aug-05 16:33:57

Why on earth would anyone think this is normal....I suppose some people just cant help themselves. You deserve an award for your tolerance......I think I would have to be on prozac to be able to show such tolerance to my mil.
dh does get phonecalls at work asking what he has got for lunch...just checking he gets his daily rations of meat (Im veggie) when he first moved in mil still made his sandwiches!! she must of thought I would feed him 'freak food' and waste away.....wouldnt mind but her cooking leaves a lot to be desired, AND dh put 3 stone on when he moved in....he eats for 4 people.
Emigrating sounds wonderful....perfect solution

moondog Thu 11-Aug-05 16:38:45

Aaaaah,ll,she sounds a bit ott,but don't be too hard on her. It's normal for her to want to see the baby. (Plenty of MNers complain about mils who are the other way inclined.) Believe you me,in a few months,you will be desperate for her to take him off your hands.

Was really weird for me to realise that my children are actually related by blood to the in-laws....Did help me understand though.My mil is lovely but i felt a little invaded by her in the early days (never by my own mother,funnily enough!)

shhhh Thu 11-Aug-05 17:48:32

Littlelion I totally feel for you, my PIL are not as bad as what others seem to be but I have (and still do) find things difficult. Personally I think the relationship is like this because I know I can tell my parents when they are in the wrong as I have known them all my life but with dh's parents although I have know them for 10 years..I don't know them at all iykwim...?
I know how you feel though about being in the background,Our dd is 12 weeks old and this is how I feel.I also feel like this and sometimes as though I'm only around to produce grandchildren. Like I am the one who looks after dd 24/7 so surely I deserve some conversation etc.
But looking at it from dh's point of view I'm sure he feels the same about my parents (his PIL). It was only last night that we were discussing the above fact and that nobody seems to want to talk to us anymore...everyone seems more interested in dd !!! LOL.

Noone tells you this went you decide to try for a baby but them again who would believe them .
Goodluck with the PIL..I know it's hard but hang on in there..I HOPE IT GETS EASIER (from someone who is still waiting)

tallulah Thu 11-Aug-05 17:58:11

Oh littlelion, I think we share a mil! When I had the first baby the ILs came to see us several times in hospital, then MIL came back with her sister, then again with her friend.... They came round the day I came out of hospital, at 7pm, and sat there until after 10pm . The next day I was asleep and DH had gone out. The phone woke me up- MIL, how did we spell dd's name.

Whenever they saw us they would grab the baby, then sit and coo at it inanely. We went round to their's when DD was only a few weeks old & their neighbour was there. "oh good Joan, you can see the baby" she said, & this woman, who I had never seen before in my life, snatched my sleeping dd out of my arms. I was furious. She was then about to hand her to mil & I hadn't even taken her hat and coat off.

We have 4 children & this performance was repeated every time. My DH will not stand up for me (caused a huge rift between us) & will not ever say anything to his mother. When the 4th was born she rang me & said "we've told DH we'll be over tonight" & I was so taken aback I didn't get chance to say it wasn't convenient. The very worst thing though was they arrived and my 3 older children (aged 5.5, 4 and 2) came running downstairs "nanny's here" and she completely ignored them. Eyes on the pram. I thought that was unforgiveable.

Needless to say, once they were no longer tots she didn't want to know. I haven't seen her since last summer.... (& she lives 10 minutes down the road).

oops Thu 11-Aug-05 18:10:50

Message withdrawn

loujay Thu 11-Aug-05 18:30:04

Hi, I just think its really hard to expect your MIL to be what you expect her to be. Unfortunately very few of my friends have a MIL that they think is OK!! Mine is no exception......to the point that last time she came to stay for the weekend she was 4 hours late spent a grand total of 3 hours with DD and then expected to take her for the weekend this month, with a drive of 2 hours each way.Luckily my DP is supportive and said no way.Its almost as if they cant strike the right balance between being supportive and butting in where they are not wanted!!

jenk1 Thu 11-Aug-05 21:00:37

thanks littlelion for your tips, i will try them!

littlelion Thu 11-Aug-05 22:21:44

wow, everyone seems to be suffering the mil thing in one way or another....I thought it was meant to be the man who didnt get on with their mil!!
I am trying not to be hard on mil, but it is not easy as I feel under pressure, even when nothing is being said/done. And am trying to get to grips that ds is here after wanting him for so long, let alone that he is related by blood to mil.....but will have to work on that moondog.

Its also hard when unless ds is in your arms mil does not notice you and basically you could be naked doing the can can and it wouldnt make a blind bit of difference, I know exactly what you mean about not really knowing your inlaw's shhhh. Also your own family know you so well so would probably know where the boundary is.

I really feel for you and your little ones tallulah, what a shame, from someone that has been full on in your face to nothing, thats just strange.

shhhh Fri 12-Aug-05 09:29:24

littlelion, actually the way I would describe the feelings are "as though you are being suffocated"...Having recently been diagnosed with PND probably didn't help matters but with PIL I felt as though I was being suffocated and that my every move was being watched. In the end it started to make me doubt my role and skills as a new mother. Like you we had also waited a long long time for DD so things seem to be evn more special for us. There are times when we want to spend time alone as the 3 of us..as a new family but with 2 sets of grandparents wanting to see dd it makes things hard, very hard.
BUT dh is very supportive and never doubts me or my opinion and although discussing the above with him has caused disagreements at least he knows what my thoughts and feeling are and I have shared my problems..Somthing I HAD to do if I was to overcome PND. DH is brilliant and does his best to help out esp when PIL are involved.
Thinking of you x

FairyMum Fri 12-Aug-05 09:38:17

I don't always have an easy relationship with my mil either, but I do also think it can be hard to be mil sometimes. from reading your thread, she does sound a bit of a nightmare, but I also get the feeling that it isn't that easy for her either. I can understand that grand parents would like to see their grand child when it's born and not wait a whole week even if it's for only 30 minutes.
I think it's rude of her to turn up unannounced at your parents, but also don't see anything wrong with her dropping off a cars, inviting you over etc. (even if it hasn't happened before), so to me it seems like you are both being a bit difficult.

Jimjams Fri 12-Aug-05 09:43:21

Agree with FM- making them wait a week to see a newborn is a bit mean. Although her turning up at your mums was out of order. Probably best to find some common ground as she sounds as if she'll be very helpful on the babysitting front. And although you might not be able to imagine it now people who will drop everythng to babysit are very very handy to have around!

morningpaper Fri 12-Aug-05 09:53:52

Agree with jimjams! Is this their first grandchild? It sounds like she is just desperate to start being a grandma and giving cuddles and attention.

They are probably feeling very excluded because you are (naturally) very protective about your first baby and know that you can take care of him better than they can. You will find it easier to 'let go' as time goes on and in a few months you will probably really appreciate her wanting to hold and look after him so you can go and get a haircut! In the early days it's natural to want to have him with you ALL the time - that's what makes you a good mum! - but in a few weeks you will feel happier to hand him over a lot more. Good luck - I hope it all works out.

Springchicken Fri 12-Aug-05 10:50:08

Littlelion, she sounds like she is trying too hard an d maybe trying to make up with your DS for something she didn't do with your DH ? i don't know it's just a thought!

I don't very often have reason to compain about my MIL, its usually DP who's complaining but the "She's only got eyes for her dad" comments get my back right up . She does it every single time we see her without fail, she even does it infront of my mum which annoys me too. what bugs me so much is that I am with DD a hell of a lot more than DP is, as he works long hours etc, so naturally, when DD does see him she is pleased and wants to play with her Daddy but i am the one she comes to when she is tired, hungry, poorly, upset or just wants a cuddle! I know that sounds pathetic bu i hate it when people comment on things they don's see both sides of !

Enough.......... Rant over! Sorry about that.

jasper Fri 12-Aug-05 11:35:44

moondog has put it well.
I felt decidedly spikey towards my mil after I had me first baby. I did not like the way she rocked him and thought she spoke too loudly !! She is really lovely and just wanted to help, and is a naturally full on kind of person (one of the reasons I like her. Looking back I see I was a bit hormonal.
I think having to wait a week to see a newborn is a bit mean.

her behaviour sounds completely normal to me and it is also completely normal for a new mum to feel funny about tohers appearing to want to take over!

Enjoy your baby and try to make her one of your allies.You will appreciate her later, believe me.

jasper Fri 12-Aug-05 11:36:25

I have lost the will to spell

moondog Fri 12-Aug-05 11:42:04

jasper,glad I don't come across as an old cow. As you say,anyone will leave a new mother feeling touchy. Iwas most unhappy about my (lovely) friend passing my newborn to her horrible aggressive little 4 year old for a cuddle!

littlelion Fri 12-Aug-05 11:51:27

Maybe my 1st message was a bit confusing, but we did see mil & fil for half hour the day he was born, which was the same day I came out of hospital. Was not trying to be mean but symphysis pubis disfunction was so bad at that point dh had to help me to the toilet and wash me, and all I could do was stay in bed as every slight movement was painful to the point of crying, did not want his family to see me like that, nor my own. The midwives had also advised dh and me to hold off the vistors for a while, and my family totally understood, but mil was arguing down the phone to dh and that really upset both of us.
I felt bad about it as I know if that were me I'd be just as keen and excited, but give us space to breathe, and let me try and have a little bit of dignity.
I did say to mil that there would be plenty more days for cuddles when they saw him the 2nd time and he had the acid reflux, which is a bit like heartburn and I know she will want to babysit which is great and I know he will get lots of love and attention from her.....not a problem, just a little bit of understanding wouldnt go a miss and if mil just tried to relax and not be so demanding it would make us feel more relaxed.

shhhh so glad your dh is supportive especially with the pnd. Have you tried aromatherapy, I describe it as a hug in a bottle. Grapefruit oil is really good for depression, I have used that alot in the past. If you are unsure maybe see an aromatherapist.
BIG HUGS to you

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