Can we survive a one night stand?

[SAD31]

My husband has today found out I had a one night stand.
It was the biggest mistake of my life i wasnt happy with my husband at the time but it made realise that I did want a future with him.
Can our relationship survive.
I don't need telling how stupid I've been as I've been suicidal and regret it so much.
He wants to give our relationship another go.
We have been together since we were 17 and have 3 beautiful DS.
Has it made anybody relationship stronger or will it never get back on track
please help

[MrsJellicle]

Don't despair. I for one think that it is possible to get a relationship back on track after an affair. Things won't ever be exactly the same again, but I do believe that you can build something that is different but still worth having.

I think it's a good sign that your dh is prepared to give things another go.

After having been on the 'other side' of infidelity, I would advise you not to underestimate the shock and hurt that has been caused, or the length of time it will take to recover and to rebuild trust. If you are sincere about restoring your relationship you will be prepared to stick it out and patiently and unwaveringly demonstrate your love, trustworthiness and commitment. For your dh, the important thing will be what you do, not what you say.

And I would suggest that you don;t lie about anything, however small. Every time my dh lies to me about anything, I find myself right back at the start again...

Good luck...

[SAD31]

Thanks. We need to see RELATE I think.
We weren't spending any time together and not speaking much before.
He's been so calm about it which is upsetting me even more.

[MrsJellicle]

I think that relate would be a good idea - have you discussed it with your dh? The calmness might be temporary - he might be in shock and a bit numb.

[secunda]

oh it's definitely possible. At the risk of being flamed, it was only one shag. You have so much history and 3 kids, there is no contest. It's good that he wants to try at it

[SolidGoldBrass]

Bear in mind that you didn't kill anyone and you weren't acting with the intention of causing your H distress. It isn't the end of the world and plenty of couples do get over such a thing. Best of luck.

[SAD31]

I discussed RELATE with DH a couple of months back but he's not a huge talker.
He's so laid back about everything that sometimes in drives me to despair.
I shall ring them tomorrow.
THanks again

[loopylucy76]

who was the man. It will be easire to move on if it was a one off wit a complete stranger.

[SAD31]

He's not a complete stranger to me but the likely hood of me bumping into him is minimal

[celticfairy101]

Please forgive yourself for this mistake. That is the first step to take. Then accept your husband's forgiveness. And then, move on and take your valued relationship from there.

I know many people who can forgive just sex, the problems are manifold when it's an emotional and/or sexual affair. These are harder to forgive.

All the best to your and your husband.

[loopylucy76]

but not known to your DH?

[SAD31]

Thanks. Not known to husband

[SAD31]

I think we can. My husband seems to want to work through. Hes said in the 14 years we have been together hes never known me to behave like this and is prepared to throw away a lot of history for a bit of stupidity

[loopylucy76]

you sound very contrite. How did you end up sleeping with this other man. Was it a drunken night out?

[SAD31]

Very very drunk. Havent been myself for weeks and have been going out at weekends drinking myself to oblivion. Absolutely no exscuse though.
I don't know why I did it I didnt even enjoy it. Just can't get my head round it.

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

Erotic sex is risky and exciting yet long marriages to be honest can be the opposite. Being flattered and adored by a stranger must be very life-affirming so I will not condemn anyone who has done this as I can see the attraction. It doesn't mean you don't love your husband and family. I hope you and your DH can get through this blip and can reignite things. I recommend the book "Mating in Captivity" for a balanced and thoughtful view from an experienced sexual health counsellor.

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

Medussssa I find your moralising black and white attitude depressing. How do your posts help the situation? A knee jerk attitude to a few hours of casual sex against decades of faithfulness is hardly a mature and thoughtful response, especially where children are involved. Looking at why things happened and what can be done to move on might save this marriage and indeed make it stronger.

[justkeeponsmiling]

Chopsticks I think it's best to ignore, she has resurrected more than one zombie thread about one night stands to have a go at posters - it's all very weird!

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

just I didn't realise it was a zombie thread, well spotted!

[justkeeponsmiling]

I have reported her comments now as she is resurrecting numerous zombie threads about one night stands in order to pour vitriol on the op. It's quite disturbing.

[JonesyAndTheSalad]

It is disturbing Smling and her tendency to

Type Like This Is Odd And Annoying.

[wevegottobeathemdown]

It's Not Even. Title Case. Though. As It Has Weirdly Placed. Full Stops In It

[JonesyAndTheSalad]

I Don't Think They're Weirdly Placed. Just That She is Typing In Short Sentences. For More Effect.

Perhaps she mentally ill though.