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What happens now?

(4 Posts)
Ilovemonkeynuts Sat 06-Aug-05 23:40:04

In an attempt to cut a long story short....

Have been with my dp for 3 years and 2 years ago he had an affair with his ex wife.
They had been separated 4 years when we had met and he had told me that he had never had any contact with her apart from dealing with his 2 children. Un beknown to me, he had gone back several times for short periods during the separation for other forms of contact. This is one of the reasons I was so shocked when I found out about the affair. I told him I would not be second best and I would not stand in the way of him and his family if that was what he wanted. He went back....for a few days.
During this time, I met up with his ex wife and children and she told me alot of things and occurances that my dp had failed to mention and also the proof. Since this happened, my dp has had limited contact with his children ie phone calls and brief glimpse on the doorstep (they are coming up to 12 and 14)
Anyway I am still in contact with the ex wife I don't have any issues with her in that respect.
Here is my dilema!
Today my dp was allowed to see his kids for ten minutes (first time in 2 years)in their house.
Don't get me wrong, I would never issue an ultimatum regarding the children whatsoever I am really pleased that he has finally been allowed to see the children properly (I have even negotiated with her for him to have some form of contact and even been the mediator at times!)but to say I now have mixed feelings is an understatement. I always said that we would have an issue of trust since this all happened and I have always said I would not be sure how it would affect us him seeing his children again.
Two years down the line and it has affected me.
Listening to him say how happy he was to be shown things that the kids have got and here's me feeling empty.
I know I sound selfish and they are his children...I seriously have NO issue with that aspect. My worry is the ex wife.
Any advice...please!

tribpot Sun 07-Aug-05 09:05:09

Why has he been denied proper contact with his kids for so long? Because of the affair? If so, that sounds totally unreasonable in my opinion - you say you've negotiated with the ex-w on his behalf so I assume it's her who has been limiting access.

It must be very hard for you, now knowing the extent of his previous deception. How has he attempted to reassure you nothing will happen again? Would it help if he saw them at your house, i.e. so you would know contact with the ex was limited to pick up and drop off only? I'm not sure how you learn to trust again after something like that, but I would expect him to be making a considerable effort to put your mind at rest.

Ilovemonkeynuts Sun 07-Aug-05 11:55:44

Thanks for a reply!
He has been denied the access because during those 4 years before I was on the scene, he would turn up, be on the scene for a few weeks then leave without contact. He never moved back in with them. She tells me it is nothing to do with the fact he's in a relationship with me, it's because she doesn't trust him with the children as she has no reason to trust him after everything he has done. Saying that...she has always made it clear that she wouldn't want me around if he saw the kids and play step mommy. (I am a full time nanny, love children but like my freedom ie weekends so she would have NO worries on that score!)

Oh he has tried to reassure me in many ways, but when you have heard these same things previously and believed whole heartedly she kind of become immune. For instance, he always said that if he were to be aproached by a woman on a night out he would tell them he's in a fantastic relationship etc etc...funny how he instigated the exwife affair!
So yes he does try and reassure me but I feel its a little bit too late and alot has happened since; regarding lying so trust is not there.

We don't actually live together, which is another thing so i could not say have them here..also as I said before she doesn't want me there and she says she doesn't trust him to take them out.

I know some people have the special bond with their childs father/mother I'm wondering if give it time, these guys will do something again. Saying that she would tell me! With pleasure!

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, waffling and tired still

tribpot Sun 07-Aug-05 16:45:06

So he was rubbish for 5 years (the 4 before you were on the scene and one when you were) but she then decided to cut him off at the time they slept together. Still sounds a bit dodgy to me. However, there we are.

To summarise in a rather brutal fashion, your dp has proved himself to be an unreliable dad and an unreliable partner. You don't feel you can trust him and it sounds as if the issue of the affair wasn't resolved at the time it happened, it just became a non-issue because he had no reason to contact his ex-wife. I don't think his reassurance is very good, either: "if I was in a nightclub and approached by a woman ... " bit specific, makes me suspicious and I don't even know him!

If there's no practical way for you to be sure he and the ex aren't going to start things up again, I think your only choices are:
- take it on trust (difficult)
- start stalking them (potentially illegal).

I guess some form of counselling might help you feel he is committed to your relationship and understands the problem of trust you now have. Do you see a long-term future with him? You've been together for quite a while. Whatever you do, you can't afford to be sitting at home eaten up by doubt every time he's visiting his kids, it's just soul-destroying.

Hope some of this helps - I'm rather sleep deprived myself today so apologies if anything offends, it isn't meant to!

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