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I know what I have to do. But how?

(45 Posts)
troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 14:51:35

I need to get out of here. I've known that for over a year (but never been so sure as I am now) but things just keep cropping up to stop me.

My dh is horrible. He's a nasty piece of work and has made my (and our children's) life a misery in the past four years. He's been "good" since October last year, which means he hasn't hit me since then but the threats are still there, and the nastiness. I am so embarrassed about the way he speaks to me when we're in public... we've been to marriage counselling which has only made me realise how awful he is and I can't sleep at night because it disgusts me that I have to lie next to him.

The main reason I've not left (seriously left, I've spent the odd few days here and there for a breather) is because of money. He controls all our money, I have to ask him if I want £1 for the bus-fare!! And because he gets me into trouble when I try - last year I reported him to the police for assaulting me, and tried to get me and my children out of there. He responded by telling the police I had hit my eldest child (I swear this is not true), they believed him at first and arrested me, though my ds (age 4) told them it wasn't true and my kids went into care... then he registered my bank details with ebay and conned loads of people (I've managed to pay everyone back now but still been arrested and charged for it!!).

I honestly thought up until now that SS believed what he said and if I left him, the kids would end up with him, which I couldn't let happen (I know that sounds completely stupid but that's what I'm worried about) but just read their core assessment and it says I display no signs of abusive/challenging behaviour at all (though he does). They are only concerned bout the domestic violence, and that I am "powerless in my relationship".

I know I need to get out ASAP and have been trying to sort out money (just got a £500 limit cc and applied for a student bank with £1250 limit (hopefully)) but know I need to act quickly as when I have money he always realises he desperately needs something expensive, and he knows about these because he opens all my post.

But where do I go? I should be able to get a house sorted, but how would I get stuff there? I know it's not important, it's just material stuff but the kids beds and clothes and toys, and basics like pans or anything, cost a fortune. I can't drive.

I couldn't risk him finding me so wouldn't be able to tell any of my friends and probably not even my family at first...

Sorry if this is too long!!

Distel Fri 05-Aug-05 14:57:24

is there any way you could try a womens refuge.

troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 15:11:35

I could but I don't know how to, other than asking my SW, and I don't know if I'd be entitled because there hasn't been any violence for a while... and if I say there has, that would concern the SW as she has already said the concern is of the DV and that I can't protect myself or my children.

I think I would have to though, even if I didn't tell dh about it, and just took a few bits and pieces each day until I didn't have to come back here.

Distel Fri 05-Aug-05 15:13:07

Have you got another house or somewhere else you could store all your things?

troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 15:17:26

I haven't really. All my friends are joint friends and dh's family, or friends of my SIL. My parents live 200 mile away if not more. They're coming down next week to see the kids and I have told my mum I am going to leave but she doesn't know what the situation is like, and if I told her she'd probably disown me for taking so long to get my act together. All I can think to do is go out and get a house, then move stuff over there when dh is not around (which is hard as he never bothers to go to work) or leave all at once, and take what I can.

troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 15:19:10

Actually, just had a thought. My sis is about 20 mins away but lives in a tiny halls of residence room, I could maybe ask her to keep the kids clothes and a few other bits...

madmarchhare Fri 05-Aug-05 15:20:08

Theres a lot of people on here that have offered good advice/phone numbers on this sort of situation. Hang on, Im sure someone will be here soon.

madmarchhare Fri 05-Aug-05 15:21:00

Troubled Mum, get your important documents together, passports, birth certs etc.. and give them to her.

Distel Fri 05-Aug-05 15:22:45

Take the most important things and leave them in your sisters house and then get dh/dp to be out when your mum gets to you and then load up the rest and go. He sounds like a really nasty and intimidating man and I am sorry that you have had to live with somone like this for so long. You are doing the right thing leaving, even if it will be difficult for a while it will be worth it in the long run.

troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 15:23:57

Thanks, I will do that, then at least if I do have to rush the important stuff are safe.

Distel Fri 05-Aug-05 15:25:07

I really hope that things work out well for you and you manage to get rid of him for good. Take care x x x.

dinosaur Fri 05-Aug-05 15:25:19

If rickman is around, she might have some good advice.

Good luck troubledmum. You sound very sorted and I'm sure you're doing the right thing.

Are you in contact with Women's Aid? Their website is at this . I think it would be well worth you contacting them for advice, if you haven't already.

troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 15:25:43

Thanks Distel, I know 100% it's the best thing to do.

mumtochloe Fri 05-Aug-05 16:51:10

I don't have any advice except you know you will be better off without him and you are doing the right thing. Maybe speak with CAB to see if they can help. Speak with Refuge too to see if they will help you.

I am in a tricky situation too so my heart really goes out to you

Good Luck

troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 22:58:55

I've read your thread mumtochloe and can sympathise with you!

Thanks for the link dinosaur, I have had a look... does anyone know what refuges are like? I stayed in a refuge type place last year but I was the only female of about 150 residents and it was pretty scary tbh, so that's put me off a bit. I'm trying to save a bit of money to rent somewhere but I realise it could take forever and I might have to go to a refuge first.

rickman Fri 05-Aug-05 23:02:57

Message withdrawn

lucy5 Fri 05-Aug-05 23:07:50

Womens aid will help you. You dont have to be be hit to feel threatened, they know about situations like this, abuse is mental, emotional too. A refuge is for women and children only. My sisterinlaw was in one and although it was a bit shabby, the women all looked out for each other, counselling was on offer and help was given with applying for housing, benefits etc. She was also escorted by the police to get her stuff back. Take whats important and what you can carry, dont leave anything that is important to you or your kids. Perhaps you could take a few things at a time to your sisters. I helped my sil to escape and it was all a bit cloak and dagger but it wasnt impossible. Keep strong, there are people who can help you.

kama Fri 05-Aug-05 23:16:41

Message withdrawn

lovecloud Fri 05-Aug-05 23:17:58


Sorry to hear your troubles.

If I were you I would hire a man with a van, they are not that expensive and fill it with all you need. Distribute all the stuff with people you know.

What is your relationship like with your mother, do you really think her reaction would be that bad? Surely whe could not say no to her daughter and grandchildren staying at hers until you sort yourself out.

You have to go! If not for you sake but for your childrens. They will have probably have been effected but you have the power to stop them getting hurt anymore. I had a few bad things happen to my parents and family when I was a child and they all thought I had no idea what was going on but I was aware of it all and it had a very negative effect on years of my life.

I really feel for you and will pray you get strength and courage to get out and make your life better.

I am sure you will look back in six months and think "I am so glad I done it"

He is nothing without you, he lives to bully and control, without you he cant and hopefully he will get help to make him a better person and maybe normal enough to have a relationship with his children but right now he deserves nothing.

I hope other mumsnetters on here who have been in your situation will advise you.

Just remember that you may think people are not willing to help, but they are but you have to ask. Dont be embarassed to confide in people you know about this, you have nothing to be ashamed of, people cant help if you dont ask.

good luck x

troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 23:22:08

I don't work but I'm starting university in september, and landlords round here will take me with the rent and deposit (there's no council here anymore!), so at the very latest I will be gone when my student loan comes through, but I'm planning on doing it in the next couple of weeks... I remember not so long ago wondering whether I would ever get out alive, and whilst things are nowhere near as bad as that, they're still bad and could change any minute. And I could never let my kids come back to this.

My SW offered to get me a place in a refuge but this was last December and I've made out everything has been fine since, so don't know if the offer would still be open.

Skribble Fri 05-Aug-05 23:23:11

My freind was in exactlly the same situation,

She went to as many places as possible to get advice and to see what options she had.

She had similar money problems and her wages from 2 jobs were going into joint account, so he spent it all on booze and got them deeper and deeper into debt.

She managed to get the police onside and they sent a social worker round to tell him that he had to leave for sake of kids. Didn't work at first though.

She was offered a place in a refuge or B&B but as her kids have a dog and other pets it didn't seem like an option.

Her bank was very helpful and she got an appointment to sort out seperating account, he found out and went as well she felt so intimidated, but worked out a deal where he would leave if she took on his debt .

The bank have advised her now to go to citizens advise to get rid of his debt as its all in his name.

First thing is to get all important documents and personnal bills etc to sisters. transfer things like child benefit to a new private account. Change address for accounts and student loan to sisters. will stop you missing letters if/ when you leave. Pack a small bag with a few bits every time you go out and drop at sisters.

Have a look at what options there are for storage, the womans refuge may have ideas, self storage facilities can be quite pricey. A lot of local farms round us do storage for anything from caravans to a couple of boxes and don't charge much. You might have to get freindly with someone for this.

If you can get every thing ready you could get a freind to borrow/ hire a vehicle and just do it in one day. But it takes a lot of planning if this is the way you have to do it. Start to build up an emergency fund, even if its only a few pounds in a jam jar at you sisters.

Don't wait go ahead with geting rehoused, someone will help on the day.

lucy5 Fri 05-Aug-05 23:24:35

the offer will always be open, relationships are complicated. Only you know your situation but if you ever feel you need to get out quickly you can.

troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 23:27:09

Thanks for all the encouragement, but I am NOT a good mother, I'm a terrible mother, my kids have been in care for 9m because of this DV and I should have left then, or before. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's a case of "too little, too late". Apart from the fear of it not going to plan I am overjoyed that I've finally found the courage to do it though, and I know I'll find a way somehow.

lovecloud Fri 05-Aug-05 23:28:25

The offer will still be open, people will expect you to say things are ok when they are not really, you say they got better for awhile but not hitting you does not make it better, the terror is still there and other forms of abuse, you have probably almost got used to it a bit.
You sound strong and know what you are doing and i really think you will fine!
Just go for it!

troubledmum Fri 05-Aug-05 23:39:48

Thanks for all the advice. I know I'm coming across as being really confident about this - and I am in a way, but I'm also terrified of him. He knows when I'm at court etc, and then there's contact. He will see me there... do you think if I spoke to my SW she will know what to do about avoiding him and still seeing my children? Will she see me leaving as not being able to provide the kids stability? (I'm going to leave anyway whatever the answer to that, I just want to know what to expect)

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