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Did you leave your husband for another man and if so did you regret it or was it the right decision.

(98 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

howsad Thu 20-May-10 11:19:06

I was getting along fine in my marriage of ten years, or so I thought. Then bank out of the blue I met someone who turned my world upside down. I fell head over heels in love (or so I think, could it be lust) and he loves me, which I do believe.

One minute I can see myself being with om living happily and believing that love will conquer all but then other times I think how can I do this to my dh. Leave him and split our family. We have young children how will this affect them. Am I so so selfish that I am even considering splitting my family. If I stay with my husband will the feelings for om die eventually. At the minute I cant have sex or touch my husband its so unfair me hurting him like this.

I never thought this would happen to me but I belive I love the om and he loves me.

I am waiting for an appt with relate and hope to see things clearer then but would like to hear of anyone who has been in this situation.

I am in absolute turmoil over this.

MuthaHubbard Thu 20-May-10 11:39:11

not quite the same but similar - difference being that i had an unhappy marriage.

i fell for om and, after a short break to sort my head out, decided to leave exh. i was selfish and had been unhappy for quite sometime - om made me wake up and realise just how unhappy and how unfair i was being to exh.

i fell in love for the first time with om.

nearly a year on om dumped me from a great height just when i had totally fallen for him. i was devastated. we had been together on and off for nearly 2 yrs. he had split from his wife a few months before we met so figure he was on the rebound. i've never found out the real reason why he ended it - he told me on the phone he wanted to be on his own for a while.

i've not seen or heard from him since (15 months ago).

yes i got hurt but in some ways don't regret it. the only thing i regret is going straight into the relationship with om without having any time on my own. though i do feel i was a muppet and karma came and bit me on the bum.

which is guess is the advise i give - spend some time away from from both men if you can, to decide what you want and who you are.

my story probably isn't what you want to hear!

thisishowifeel Thu 20-May-10 11:44:51

I left h1 for h, who turned out to be abusive. But then all that hearts and roses, love of my life, engaged within two months stuff, is often how abusive relationships begin.

Advise extreme caution, and most of all time alone.

howsad Thu 20-May-10 11:50:12

Thank you. This is what I worry about. Ive seen a good friend in this position and from the first time I met the OM I could see all the red flags but she could not. I could not understand what she was doing.

In my case the OM is fairly well known and extremely well liked. His ex's still have a good time for him, he has not got many. But I worry that he is on the rebound from his ex.

He swears he isnt and he loves me so much but ...... if only I had a crystal ball.

This is the worst position I have ever been in.

pinemartina Thu 20-May-10 12:01:24

I met xp whilst sorting out last stages of divorce with h.Got totally carried away by intense, full- on soulmate stuff,for first time in my life,within weeks of meeting....

Today,I am trying to recover from 3 years of emotional abuse - a typical story,I now realise...

I will be having a good long break from "love" now,and finding out where I am....

MuthaHubbard Thu 20-May-10 12:03:12

OM swore to me he wasn't on the rebound and that he hadn't loved his wife for ages.

We had a whale of a time when together but certain things should have raised red flags for me with him ie, being incredibly rude to waiters/shop workers etc (i know, i know).

howsad - you say you were happy in your marriage before, do you think you could get that back? would you still be happy if you hadn't met om?

for me, the two answers to the above where no.

and i understand how very awful this must be

MuthaHubbard Thu 20-May-10 12:05:25

and yes, we also had the total whirlwind, intense, hearts and flowers, totally in love, soulmates, lets get married, never felt like this before type of stuff - mainly from him where as i was more wary to begin with........but obviously eventually convinced.

not that i'm saying this is the same for you howsad

weegiemum Thu 20-May-10 12:06:39

My Mum left my Dad for OM when I was 12 (yes, I know, sensitive, eh?)

I am currently in my 3rd lot of clinical psychology to deal with the deep seated issues it raised.

Please think about your kids.

mrsruffallo Thu 20-May-10 12:09:21

I would do everything to make my marriage work before committing to a new relationship
If nothing is really wrong between you and DH then this could just be a bit of excitement in the predictable lives we lead ionce we have children.
Step away from the new guy and try to make your marriage work

mrsruffallo Thu 20-May-10 12:11:19

It will be a family you are breaking up, not just you and DH's relationship

I do think that as we get older learning to sacrifice certain things for the greater good is a noble way to behave

abr1de Thu 20-May-10 12:13:40

Please tread carefully and put your children first.

You have all the time in the world to do what you want when they're grown up but at the moment they're your priority.

howsad Thu 20-May-10 12:28:28

My husband knows about the contact with this om but despite asking me over and over I cant tell him how far the relationship has gone. Ive lied and lied. Believing if he knew the truth he would not be able to forgive me and give out marriage a chance.

Im totally f**king up everyone's life around me. I dont deserve anyone. Part of the reason for the lies is because of his violent reaction to all this. In his defense he has only reacted like this because he is hurting and has been decieved.

ConDemNation Thu 20-May-10 12:33:39

In my case the OM is fairly well known and extremely well liked. His ex's still have a good time for him, he has not got many. But I worry that he is on the rebound from his ex.

He swears he isnt and he loves me so much but ...... if only I had a crystal ball.

This is the worst position I have ever been in. '

OP, this bit really does raise red flags for me. You are in the worst position of your life - what, all over some bloke? Whoever he is, he isn't bringing happiness to your life. That line sounds as though you are having an emotional crisis which is built up around him, but not necessarily actually about him - he is just the focus of it iyswim.

you might benefit from some counselling, on your own? It could really help sort you out.

and it sounds as though you don't trust him, even when he swears he loves you etc etc

that again is a big deal - either your instinct is correct and he is fibbing to you, or you are feeling very insecure in which case probably not in the best place to have a successful relationship.

Please look into relate, or some other counselling for you alone, privately, not involving your DH or this other bloke. You sound very lost in the middle of all this turmoil.

ConDemNation Thu 20-May-10 12:34:26

How violent exactly has your DH been?

howsad Thu 20-May-10 12:47:33

I'm going to relate on my own in the couple of weeks. I do believe him and trust him, I really do. My reservations are over how selfish I'm being. Putting my happiness before my husband and children.

The arguments have been quite bad over this. Him keeping me awake all night. Shouting in my face, he's kicked me and twisted my arms and grabbed my face roughly. This has happened mostly when he has been drinking. He is hurting so much and this is his way of dealing with it. Ive told him its wrong to do this and especially with the children around.

He has been involving the children and telling them about the bad things mommy has done and that is why he is angry.

He has not been angry for a few weeks now, he's been drinking less. But he is suppressing his feelings I can see the hurt in him when I look at him.

ConDemNation Thu 20-May-10 13:00:00

Howsad, sorry to say this to you but whether you have a new relationship or not, you need to get out of the one you are in.

Your husband might be hurting inside, but he is abusing you physically, emotionally and goodness knows in what other ways.

You must not put up with this, it will only escalate and it is NOT your fault sad

I think womens aid might be able to help you best. They have a website, I'm sorry I can't remember the phone number but someone on here will know it.

Ring them, please - you and your children could be in danger. Your husband is violent and abusive and you need to make a plan to get away from him safely.

ConDemNation Thu 20-May-10 13:02:32

0808 2000 247

From this site

You can find info on how to delete your computer history, on the site, as some women need to watch their backs looking at stuff like this. Just in case, so you know.

Hopefully your husband won't be nosing about on the computer.

Have a good read, and please ring them for some advice. They will just chat with you if you like.

theQuibbler Thu 20-May-10 13:38:49

I think having some counselling for yourself sounds like a really good idea.

You sound very caught up in the drama of it.
It's not that unique to "fall in love" or have "feelings" for other people, when you are with someone else. You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last. It's what you decide to do about it that matters.

I think if a man was posting about how they "had lied and lied" to their wife about the extent of his affair, he would be getting very different responses.

If you feel that you are in danger, then you really should phone WA. It sounds as though his behaviour was fuelled by alcohol, pain and misery and has now stopped? Not an excuse, but an explanation.

Perhaps it would be better to be honest and see what happens? It doesn't sound as though your husband really has any illusions as the extent of your 'friendship'.

howsad Thu 20-May-10 13:42:29

I have set the computer so it does not record any history. He was checking the history and this caused many arguments, he is not happy that he cant check the history now. He has smashed 4 computers in as many months over this.

I know his temper and violence is unacceptable but this has been brought on by my actions with this other man.

I totally trust and believe in OM, I have found a love that I never thought I could have experience. OM really adores me. I have hurt him though in recent months as he thought I would leave h and be with him in time. He now realises that I probably wont leave h so he wants to break free from me to give me the space and opportunity to work at marriage.

PrincessFiorimonde Thu 20-May-10 13:58:02

'I know his temper and violence is unacceptable but this has been brought on by my actions with this other man.'

No. His temper and violence are his responsibility, NOT your fault. However angry/hurt he may be, he has no right to behave like this.

Not all angry/hurt men react like this.

Please take the advice to call Women's Aid.

The OM is a totally separate issue from the fact that you are currently living with a violent man.

Good luck.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Thu 20-May-10 15:12:12

It seems to me that you are abusing eachother. He is violently and emotionally abusing you and you are emotionally abusing him by gaslighting him and having an affair. Meanwhile, your DCs are stuck in the middle of a horribly abusive situation which they are being forced to witness on a daily basis.

The counselling will be good for you, but I would urge you to remove your DCs and yourself from this situation and go cold turkey on the OM.

You can convince yourself till you're blue in the face that OM is a good and kind person, but generally speaking, good and kind people do not intrude on another's marriage. The red flags about OM's potential for being an abusive character are also plentiful.

poodie Thu 20-May-10 16:01:59

Howsad - it is not acceptable behaviour for your husband to be physically abusive. If he went out into the street and attacked someone, he could get a criminal conviction for GBH.

Your having 'feelings', being in love with someone else or having an affair are not, and never would be, criminal activities, however hurtful they might be to your partner.

I have to say that IF I was ever to have any kind of emotional/physical relationship with another man and my partner behaved in a violent and aggressive manner towards me AND behaved badly towards my children - I would leave. Simple as that. I would never, ever put up with any kind of physical aggression at all. Even verbal abuse - unless in the complete heat of the moment, and then apologied for afterwards.

If your parther was a real man, he would stand back, make a decision about what HE wanted without being violent; behave with dignity and also let you sort out what you want. In my opinion, a real man would have some sympathy for your predicament.

Sorry but he (your partner) sounds exploitative - he is exploiting your vulnerability (because you are, understandably, feeling guilty)to verbally and physically abuse you.

Obviously having an affair is hurtful to your partner - but you are agonising over it (rather than boasting about it, which is what some people (men?) sometimes do) - and perhaps you are seeing it as an opportunity to move away from an abusive relationship, which is NOT a crime.

frodob Thu 20-May-10 16:05:05

OP - to answe your original question; I left my long term partner for another man and I have to say I do regret it. It all happened very quickly and I didnt really know the other man properly and I didnt give my ex a chance. If you're going to leave be sure you are doing it for the right reasons - that you are truly unhappy in your marriage.And from your subsequesnt posts it sounds like there are genuinely problems in your relationship. My relationship was happy - I just foolishly got my head turned by the flattery and excitement. I would definitely recommend some time by yourself if you do leave, rather than heading straight into another relationship. Also, dont forget that when you end the marriage so many other parts of your life will change too - inlaws , friends, lifestyle etc. Not to mention your childrend life. Dont rush in to anything and counselling is a brilliant idea

frodob Thu 20-May-10 16:11:19

also you say you wish you had a crystal ball - is that in case the OM leaves you and you dont want to be left alone? You'd rather be with DH than be alone? You need to look at the two things separately - if it was not for OM would you be happy with DH? Dont look at it as a choice between the two men - do you want to be with DH or not? I know its hard to separate the two but do try.
I made my decision too quickly and now i wake every day thinking about my ex and regretting.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Thu 20-May-10 16:32:14

If a woman posted on here that her H was having an affair and kept lying to her about it (gaslighting), I wouldn't be telling her that she should have "sympathy for his predicament" - and I cannot imagine anyone else doing so. I wouldn't condone any violence towards the man who was doing this though.

There are horrible wrongs on both sides here and the innocent parties (the children) are suffering.

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