Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So Very Scared(44 Posts)
I have been with my DH for almost 10 years and feel we have reached the end. We both moved to a new area 200 miles away from where we used to live and bought a house. However we just do not get on anymore and either row all the time or ignore each other. He has a bad temper and his favourite words to me at present are shut up or f*ck off. He has never hit me but kicked me once and has pushed me, though not for a while. He says I make him lose his temper and that I nag too much. Our evenings are spent with him on the pc and me watching telly in another room
He has friends at work but I only have one friend here and desperatly want to move back to our old area to be near my friends. He also has family support whereas my family are distant and live miles away from both areas. I want to sell the house and move back but know as soon as I mention this he will make life really difficult and I can't handle it. I already do the majority of housework, sort all our finances out as he can't and work full time, plus I am struggling with anxiety and a crippling phobia so anything else I feel will break me.
We have already talked about doing essential work to the house in order to sell it so we can move back...would it be horrible of me not to mention wanting to leave until the ball is rolling? Ideally I would move back with DD and go to university to study to be an occupational therpaist even if this means living on benefits for a while until I am sorted out.
I am just scared of the practicalities and if I will regret this. What if my phobia and anxiety gets worse when we split up? How would I cope for money? How would I organise moving back? I can't picture being with him for ever and I can't picture a life without him as we have been together since I was eighteen, but we have no relationship and haven't slept together for months. Also DD sees us row a lot and I want her to live in a house where rows are not happenning all the time
Can anyone advise me?
oh this sounds amazingly like me ( except for the phobia) when i first moved 300 miles. i was terribly homesick, depressed, lonley and had to adjust to a new way of life, now job, new problems etc. it got better for me after a year. i settled down got over myself - as i was really pssed off i left a fab job and loads of friends.
i travel back every 6 weeks or so to see my friends and family - this helps. plus me and dh go out once a week when we can afford it.
err this wan't much help at all - but i know kinda what your going through
'He has a bad temper and his favourite words to me at present are shut up or f*ck off. He has never hit me but kicked me once and has pushed me, though not for a while. He says I make him lose his temper and that I nag too much. '
Sorry, but that's abusive behaviour - physically, verbally and emotionally.
NOT a good example for your daughter to see, aside from the rows.
Go back to the area where you want to live and speak to 1) a housing officer - tell them you are in a relationship breakdown 2) a social worker 3) Women's Aid.
You're living with an abuser.
You should be considered priority for housing as a lone parent who is technically homeless due to relationship breakdown.
Blaming someone else for not being able to control your own emotions - 'She made me do it.' 'She drove me to it.' - is textbook classic abuse.
You sound like you already know what you have to do. I would sort a few things out before going down the line of telling him.
Do you have friends that can help you out where you used to live?
Get together some essentials if you need to leave quickly in the meantime. I dont the sound of his behaviour.
Thank you all for your advice.
Yes - I have 2 really good freinds there and one has said I can stay with her until I get myself sorted if the worst comes to the worst. Problem is her DP is very much like my DH and he may say no. Also she is in the process of moving house so it may not be a good time for her as she has 3 kids herself.
This area is very popular and very expensive so there is no local authority housing. I would need to rent privately but would not have a guarantor.
I am also scared no-one else would put up with my anxiety and phobia - don't want another relationship for now but who knows in the long term
K, No. 1, mumtochloe, most councils are legally obligated to provide the housing for the homeless. This does NOT mean it has to be in council or housing association housing. In our council, for example, housing is so scarce and expensive that the council pays £500/rent a month to private landlords to house homeless families, as the Scottish Executive has made it illegal to house homeless families in B&Bs.
So look on your council's website and find a housing officer AND a social worker.
Also, give Shelter a call. Shelter is a charity that deals w/the homeless. They can help you sort benefits and the like as well, in addition to accommodation needs.
No. 2 - Mum, the most important relationship you can have next is with yourself and with your daughter. B/c you know what? Until you get some counseling and work on building your self-esteem, you'll continue to get involved with abusive men. I don't know about you, but I happen to think you - and your daughter - deserve better than that, phobias and all.
Then, once you've fallen in love with yourself, how about starting some meaningful relationships with people with whom you are not romatically invovled - friendships, in other words? People who care about you and don't attach blame and abuse to those feelings. B/c these types of relationships can often make you feel a whole lot better about yourself than some bloke.
Tackle this one day at a time, mumtochloe, but you're read stories on here from women who have been in the exact same position you're in, they moved on, they made the break. And they're here now - happy, strong and able to recognise treatment they don't deserve.
Yes, it's cheap for here as well, giraffski, but the buy to let market is glutted and so some landlords are enticed by getting that amount of money guaranteed.
If I were in your shoes I would probably not mention wanting to leave either. You've got to do whats right for you and your DD. If it were me and there was going to be a sizeable amount of equity in the property, I might even engineer so I sold the house with view to renting until the right house came and along - and then i'd take my cut when the move came to fruition without the added hassle and expense of selling another house. Call me calculated...
Once again thanks for all your kind replies. I really appreciate you all taking the time to listen and give advice.
I think for now I will concentrate on doing the essential repairs and get the house on the market. There is no point in making life hard for myself until I need to. Once we are getting close to exchange I think I will make my move and say something. The advantage to this will also be that my friend will have moved by then and if I can stay with her temporariliy it will hopefully be easier to find accommodation.
I am on a councelling list here but will have to reapply once I move to a new area. Expatin scotland - don't think I have painted a very good picture of myself at all! Aside from my phobia my self esteem is fine - I KNOW I deserve better and that this is not my fault. I am just really anxious about the huge step I am going to have to take eventually and was wondering if eventually (and I am talking about in a few years) someone else would put up with a partner who has a major phobia.
I do want DD to have better. She does have a great relationship with her dad but I do not want her to see what he us doing to me and think this is acceptable behaviour in a man. Especially as she may follow the same pattern herself later in life.
Aimsmum - you have the same phobia as me too don't you. DD is also 3 nearly 4 so I would love to talk to you further. Am typing this at work at present but let me know how to CAT you and I will when I can get to a pc again
Thanks Again Everyone xx
Thanks! won't be able to respond or read until Monday but will reply in my lunch hour (if I get one!!)
Thanks so much xx
Don't know about splitting up, but re the benefits / uni- you would actually be better off ay Uni funding wise than on benefits alone.
I like you was stuck in a horrid situation when I went back to college (my Dh had a very severe depression), going back to study meant I was taking control again and my confidence boosted massively. That benefitted the kids too.
Hang in there, mumtochloe! You can do it.
Mumtochloe - I too have a phobia, what is yours if you don't mind me asking? Mine is emetophobia (fear of being sick) and it is soul destroying when you have two children under five!!!
That is sometimes why I put up with what I do as my partner too can be quite violent when drunk but I fear being on my own with my phobia than staying with him!!!!
Crazydazy, sorry don't want to hijack this thread, but there are loads of us on MN with emetophobia, including Mumtochloe and myself. You sound as bad as me. My dh is not violent and we are not splitting up, but he is often away and I live in permanent fear of him not being there. Any time you want to talk, I am often about!
Oh how rude of me! I forgot to mention your predicament Mumtochloe. I am so sorry you are going through this. If I had to leave my dh, I would have to leave the children too as I know my phobia wouldn't allow me to raise them alone. You are very brave to be thinking about taking this step. I am sorry I can't help more with the practicalities, but if you are really determined, you will find a way and emerge all the stronger for it.
Oh Lonelymum its so great to know there is another mum that has the same problem as me, yes I would love to have a chat with you, see how you cope etc....I feel like I am such a bad mother so much!!!!!
Do you have msn? If so, my address is Lonelymum@hotmail.co.uk. If not, CAT me! Not that I have any answers but I know it helps to chat to fellow sufferers!
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.