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How long does it take?Dh and friend had affair 2 years ago!

(11 Posts)
threeboys3 Wed 03-Aug-05 09:40:21

I am really down, again, as I just can't stop thinking about what happened!! Let me explain-i'll try to be brief.

Back in March 2003 I was told that my dh and best friend at the time (and she is his sister-in-law ) were having an affair(my father-in-law and his wife told me! They indicated it had been going for months, that they had had sex and she was getting too serious so my dh had decided to end it!)We had been going through a rough patch, so it all seemed to add up and i was devastated. I went mental, changed the locks, took out an injunction and refused to see him. We have been together since we were 16, had 2 kids at this time and had broken up quite a few times over the years, but always worked things out and got back together.
I thought it was over for good this time. Eventually I agreed to speak to him. His version of events were, that at his 30th party, she had snogged him?! Then she kept phoning him and wanting to meet. After a few meetings he had decided that he didn't want to take it any further and had decided to not see her any more!! He said there had only been 1 drunken kiss.It was having some life crisis(turning 30?) and loved the attention!
His dad is a very jealous man and has caused lots of family rifts over the years. BUT my husband was his dads the golden boy-he has 6 siblings, I don't know if his dad would have made up such a lie.
Three weeks after I had found out, I found out that I was pregnant! Totally unplanned and totally shocked. After a lot of heart ache, we decided to get back together.
When i was 6 months pegnant i saw her in a market.We had a big row and i slapped her round the face-she slapped me back!. We were with family so we were seperated and sent different ways.
Since 2003,my dh hasn't spoken to his father and says he never will again! We haven't seen his brother or HER-they used to live locally but have now moved about 80 miles away. I never want to see HER again.
Over 2 years later, my husband just refuses to talk about it nowadays and still sticks to his simple explanation. I am getting depressed about it again. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did, but I feel that it never got dealt with.I still want to hurt her!I KNOW that it wasn't all her, but she has told family that it was my dh doing all the chasing. This isn't true so I think it was probably 50/50(Looking back i remeber lots of wierd situations that she created)
EVERY time he goes out I think he's at it again. How can I let it go, I'm back at the stage of checking up where he is, checking itemised phone bills and constantly worrying he will do it again!Will I force him into doing it??? Any ideas that might help???

anorak Wed 03-Aug-05 09:44:21

Same old advice - go to Relate and see a counsellor. You're not finding it possible to move on, principally because you need more details and to really understand this. Your dh doesn't really get that, does he?

If you persuaded him to go and see a counsellor he'd have to talk.

throckenholt Wed 03-Aug-05 09:45:48

tell him honestly what you feel - that it is bothering you and is going to cause problems unless you both acknowledge it and deal with it.

Maybe show him your first post on this thread.

threeboys3 Wed 03-Aug-05 10:03:26

We did go to relate for a while, but it is so difficult to co-ordinate babysitters, school run, time of work, getting there etc, that it caused more stress. Also dh has been brought up with 'keeping the dirty washing at home'He hates counselling-talking about things-and he mocks the things they say. When we were going I knew that it had taken alot for him to go, but to be honest I think he was saying what needed to be said rather than how he honestly felt.

ggglimpopo Wed 03-Aug-05 10:08:04

Message withdrawn

anorak Wed 03-Aug-05 10:12:44

Yes, that would certainly be a step in the right direction. I know it's annoying that as the injured party you end up needing counselling but if it helps, do it, eh?

threeboys3 Wed 03-Aug-05 10:26:37

I think I would like some counselling but it would need to fit in with kids etc,thanks for that idea!But I feel like it might be a case of 'get over it, its been 2 years'?

anorak Wed 03-Aug-05 10:29:06

No counsellor is going to say that to you. You can't get over it until you've felt heard and understood - and IMO until you know your dh understands the full effect of what he's done. How else are you ever going to trust him not to do it again?

kid Wed 03-Aug-05 10:29:52

I don't think it should be a case of 'get over it, its been 2 years' until the issue is dealt with it will always be on your mind. Plus he isn't exactly helping you get over it with his ongoing behaviour. But if you decide to go couselling on your own, then you know I'll help out with the kids.

threeboys3 Sat 06-Aug-05 01:00:32

Just confirmed that 'kid' is my sister-didn't know! Thanks anyway sis

kid Sat 06-Aug-05 22:36:26

got you a bit scared then, bet you thought you had a stalker.

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