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How do I deal with my lying partner? How can I love and trust him?

(41 Posts)
Flossam Mon 01-Aug-05 16:40:14

It's me again . I know you are probably sick of me but once again I am hopping mad. DP wanted, a few weeks ago, to go and see his mum. One way or another, we never manage to go with DS, so I said I would go and visit my lovely mum. However, mums hours have changed and that weekend wasn't convinient. So DP went to his mums that weekend anyway, and I arranged to go to my mums when he was working.

Heres the bit I deserve to be in trouble for I was looking through DP's phone and saw he had messages about this weekend going back to Bristol. I asked him about it (nicely) and he said he had considered it but didn't know if he had the weekend off. He had asked for it as will otherwise be working a 7 day stretch due to a course. He said he would find out the next day if he had the time off.

Anyway, next day I ask and he says no he dosen't have the day off. I strongly suspected he was lying to me but of course, what can I say/do? He was nice as pie the next day, even though we were both knackered, and sniping at each other, he let each comment go, where as normally he is like a dog with a bone. He also gave me money, he has not done this the since I have had DS and has been an issue, really. He came and saw us off at the station, something I would normally have to beg him to do.

Anyway, all strange behaviour. By a cruel twist of fate (or perhaps he turned the charger off) my phone did not charge properly and it became apparent before he even left the train station that I was not going to have enough battery to last. I text him my mum's number and he said he would call on there. That was the last I heard of him, no call to check we were there ok, so mid afternoon I called him. No answer. Had to turn my phone off as trying to conserve battery. One answerphone message later, saying he was off to meet his brother for a few drinks and 'only to call if it was an emergency'.

So next morning I tried to call, he should have been in work at the time I called. No answer. Phoned back about 10mins later, sounding, to me, sleepy, saying he was outside yet no outdoor noises. Reckoned he had been at a burglary. Had to turn phone back off again, he said he would phone me at 8.30 that evening.

No phone call. So I tried, phone now switched off. left a message. He never called back. No call the next day, I tried calling him again in the morning, at which point my battery died completely leaving me with no phone for my journey home today. No attempts on his part to call me on mum's phone. Nothing.

I have come back and it is obvious he hasn't been here. The guinea pigs have a 'going away' feeding bowl (ie, the big one) the floor is a mess (he is a virgo and can't live like this) All the windows are shut (we live on the third floor and don't normally bother when just out for the day at work etc) and only one, very stale work shirt in the wash.

So basically he has been lying to me. I have no idea where he has been, or who he has been with. He has lied before, hence things like me checking his phone occurs. He has changed all his passwords so I cannot question him about things (he buys expensive things off ebay and does not like getting in trouble etc), and is secretive. I don't know if he is seeing someone else.

The problem with him going to Bristol is that he goes out on the lash, spending money we, or me especially, do not have. This is a good reason he would hide it from me. But this is not adult behaviour and not one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have diverted all calls from my phone and I've bolted the door - I don't want him here. As patronising and crap as it sounds I want him to learn that his actions have consequences, and I am not going to put up with this. I am, once again, seriously questioning whether we have a future. This isn't how I want to live my life.

Flossam Mon 01-Aug-05 16:53:07

OK, this all reads very complicatedly. To summise - When I say he is going to his mothers - read a weekend (probably from 11 each day till they can no longer stand) out on the lash. Mother dosen't really come into it at all. Just somewhere to stay.

He says he wasn't going and was going to be at work all weekend. He wasn't. He has not been here. I am a sure as I can be without him admitting it.

He has not made any effort to contact me since 8 am on Saturday morning. When I again asked him if he was away, or not in work and gave him another opportunity to come clean, saying to him that I wouldn't mind if he was at home and just hadn't wanted to come to Mum's with me.

He is now locked out of the house and I don't want to let him in. He is a lying Git who obviously thinks I am some sort of thick tart.

Mum2girls Mon 01-Aug-05 17:04:31

Sorry this is happening to you Flossam - I agree that all his actions seem to point that he is deceiving you, one way or another. The fact that he changes his p/words etc. means that he has no intention of being honest and open with you.

I think you are right to question your future - you deserve better.

charliecat Mon 01-Aug-05 17:22:28

Read this when you first posted but had to nip up the shop, still havent really got anything constructive to say except you must feel gutted.
How do you think he will react when he does return? Where is he now?

Tortington Mon 01-Aug-05 17:36:38

sometime sits not just the act but the presumption that your stupid enough to not notice that makes it worse.

i can't stomach lying.

let us know how it goes on

Flossam Mon 01-Aug-05 18:19:56

He is here, playing with DS. He broke the chain on the door to get in. Carried on denying everything till I pointed out the things I have noticed. Dosen't see what the big deal is. Says that I would have given him hell about going (true, but because we have no spare cash), and reckons he didn't even decide if he was going untill I had left. He knew for the whole week though that he had the time off. So he lied in advance, kept the lie going during by making up varous facts to 'proove' that he was where he said he was, and carried on denying it. And he still can't see what the big deal is. He thinks I am over reacting because I don't know that I want to stay with him. On the otherhand, he has been in tears and seems regretful, but still does not excuse the fact that he felt able to do this in the first place. I was going to take DS and stay somewhere for the night, but I don't know where to go and I don't know what to do really.

ggglimpopo Mon 01-Aug-05 18:27:06

Message withdrawn

Flossam Mon 01-Aug-05 18:37:02

I don't know. He would be the sort of bloke who would laugh at that sort of proposition. But I think they offer some sort of service online, which maybe I could convince him about. I'm sat here with my coat and shoes on really not knowing what to do tonight. I want to stay and talk it out but at the same time I feel that this normally gets me nowhere. I feel like I need to make a stand but I just don't know.

sobernow Mon 01-Aug-05 18:45:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flossam Mon 01-Aug-05 18:48:38

I don't really have anywhere to go, thats the thing really. I was about to go and stay in the local Ibis for the night, but, and this is where it gets funny really, I don't have the spare cash to do it!

noddyholder Mon 01-Aug-05 18:51:10

where are you?do you have any friends you could stay with for 1 or 2 nights to make him see sense

compo Mon 01-Aug-05 18:54:11

I think you should definitely get rid of him. Could you stay at your mum's? Why doesn't he give you any money? Is ds his or someone else's? If he's ds' father then he has to give you money. Or am I missing something?!! Do you have a joint account?

LoonyLou Mon 01-Aug-05 18:54:34

He really needs to be given a kick up the backside and shown that you can function without him - it'de be great if you could get away for a few nights, really hope you can. Good luck..

Flossam Mon 01-Aug-05 18:55:03

I'm in London. My friends all have babies too, really. I don't feel like I can ask either, if that makes sense. Already it feels like nothing has happened. I kind of feel like the momentum has been lost and I really didn't want that to happen. He went off mid conversation to fix our now busted door, which is kind of his way of controlling the situation I guess and has worked. Baby is waiting to go to bed and I just kind of feel stuck, if that makes any sense at all.

LoonyLou Mon 01-Aug-05 18:58:33

It makes absolute sense - and it would take a lot of guts to break away, am new here so don't know your situation, but really feel you need to get away for a short time even....is there absolutely no-one..? xx

Flossam Mon 01-Aug-05 19:00:11

X posted. DS's is his. Money has been quite a hot topic here. He pays rent and at the moment I pay for all else. He has no 'spare' cash usually to give me any. It works out he has around 450 a month spare, and I have 100. So far, the only change that has been made is me trying to cut down on food shopping and cook more meals for us that DS can eat too.

anorak Mon 01-Aug-05 19:04:58

That's not a partnership. I don't understand how one partner in a marriage can have 450 spare a month and the other only 100. All spare cash should be joint property! I'm sure he must have agreed to that in his wedding vows!

You ask 'How can I love and trust him?' My advice would be absolutely not to trust him. Trust is something you can only pay out in amounts you're prepared to lose. Why would you be prepared to pay out to someone who isn't even trying to deserve it? You might as well throw your reserves of trust down the toilet, at least you'll know where it went that way.

anorak Mon 01-Aug-05 19:06:54

Sorry I've just read again and see you write DP, so I guess you're not married. Why not? Is the commitment too heavy for him? How is that for DS, I wonder?

I think your man has issues of commitment. He wants to live with you and play the family guy and be single at the same time.

sobernow Mon 01-Aug-05 19:08:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo Mon 01-Aug-05 19:08:23

blimey Flossam, I think once you're living together and have a ds all money should be shared. Do you work then?

Flossam Mon 01-Aug-05 19:24:35

I have just gone back. I just told him that I want to talk to him tonight and he asked what about! I've had to put DS to bed, he is knackered, we have done a lot of travelling today. I will talk tonight and seriously give it all some thought overnight. The reason for no joint account is because he has 15,000 of debt, for which he pays at least 400 a month for. This is his reason for always being so skint. I did go through the whole thing earlier about what is important to him, but he needs to act like it. Funny how he admits that he told his friends what he was up to (probably thought it was all a big joke) but not his family (who, although I have serious doubts over them at times, I am fairly certain would not think it funny).

Libb Mon 01-Aug-05 19:35:31

Flossam, hind sight is the most wonderful thing . . . you know your DP is very similar to my ex so please think hard about your future - he won't change because he has it easy. I suspect it is good that your finances are split the way they are, it has helped us as it is far less complicated. He has fleeced me completely as I paid for all of DS's stuff/childcare/food/househould bills etc etc but now I can walk away and know that I am taking care of the most important people - DS and I.

I wish I could give you a place to stay right now, I hope to be able in a few weeks if you are still needing somewhere but in the meantime try your friends . . . you never know.

Thinking of you darling, I think you know in your head what is what. Sadly our hearts don't always follow suit. My ex is a great dad but a hopeless adult.

PeachyClair Mon 01-Aug-05 20:01:08

Hiya Flossam.

DH and I split the finances down, mainly coz I can't trust him- or at least we used to when I was working, we will again when I qualify. He THINKS he is good, fair and sensible with money, I KNOW he's not and I am sick of bailing him out!

The trust issue is important, but I do think you need to be ready to go. From what I have read you're not in any danger, So I personally would wait and see a bit (had he not got in I would have said differently, but he's in now). It can take time to adjust your thinking to fit the reality of a scenario- it took me about two years to realise my ex wasn't Mr Right. He wasn't bad mad or dangerous of course: it would have been quicker (I hope) if he had been.
Also, DH and I went through a really bad patch (tiredness, sniping, etc etc) a few years ago, and I was convinced it was over- I pictured everything he did as proving he was awful. It took six months (and loads of hard work from him) for me to come out of it, and it has damaged our relationship a little.

We do have very different priorities: that can be hard and frustrating in a relationship can't it? We're both stubborn mules, he's very career orientated and I am very kid focused.

Take it slowly to make sure you're doing the right thing (whatever you decide it is) and so you can build some firm fundations for the family without him if you choose. Don't put up with shite, but don't blow a good thing in anger either.

Blu Mon 01-Aug-05 20:18:02

His arrogance is breathtaking - he seems to think it's ok to lie to you to do what the hell he likes, spend money when it's HIS debts that cause peoblems - and I still haven't forgotten that trip to the zoo, that he spent in bed with a hangover.

You don't have to leave in a flurry to make a pint - if you are serious about leaving him, you can plan over a longer time. Obviously i don't have the fly-on-the-wall view of how you both run your relationships with family - but why doesn't he come with you to your Mum, and vice versa?

It sounds as if he has very selfish and immature habits - perhaps you have to come to certain agreements on which any future rests - and if he breaks them, then that's it.

Does he have a drink problem, do you think?

anorak Mon 01-Aug-05 20:30:11

Spot on, blu, I totally agree with you.

If my dh did this he'd have some explaining to do. He'd be grovelling for months. Which is precisely why he wouldn't do it.

You have to have more self-respect than to put up with it, flossam. And if he just won't treat you with some respect, do you really want to spend a large chunk of your life with him? Your ds will copy his example and behave like him to any future partner he has, you know.

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