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ahem - is it permanent?.......................

(73 Posts)
prettyfly1 Sun 31-Jul-05 22:10:16

hey guys long time no speak. most of you knwo situation with ex and how awful it was. Baby is now three months old. went out last night and met someone attractive who i thought was nice and funny and he came back to mine with a few others, got the old butterflys going on and then when he made a move i just froze and instantly went off him. I still have urges but to b honest the idea and reality of letting anyone near me makes my skin crawl. I know this is some kind of phsychological reaction to exs treating me like an unpaid lady of the night shall we say but i dont know how to change it. I feel horribly unnatractive and undesirble as it is without being frigid!!! Help have any of the rest of you felt like this...l..

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 22:15:26

Its probably not only the way your ex treated you but that you are now also aware that this decision will affect your child. I found that i felt the same after my ex left but i used the time to find out about myself. Enjoy the freedom of putting yourself and your child first!! it works wonders!!

prettyfly1 Sun 31-Jul-05 22:19:15

i think you are almost certainly right. i wouldnt want to introduce a temporary fixture into my sons life however i do suspect this goes a little deeper then just that as important as it is!!!

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 22:24:26

If you're willing, try a therapist. I did after some of the crap with my family(see my thread on should i help my family?) Even if you don't expect anything it is great just to offload everything your feeling onto someone who will not judge you or tell you to "get over it", someone impartial. Sorry i can't be of anymore help.

prettyfly1 Sun 31-Jul-05 22:33:03

no thats not a bad idea actually. i will certainly look into it!!!! i have read your stuff about your family and like i said i really hope it improves for you. dont you wish sometimes familial divorce could be introduced.

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 22:34:10

lol I could do the hollywood thing and divorce my parents!

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 22:35:37

prettyfly, I was just thinking about all this this afternoon as my ex has moved on to his next wally without a worry it seems just 3 months after our split - I found myself wondering if I am capable of doing the same and I know I can't/won't for a while.

It doesn't bother me at the moment because I am looking forward to having a break and getting to know myself a bit more. (and I fully understand the feeling unnatractive/undesirable) However I will be worried if I am still alone in 4/5 years and with no potential of moving on! it makes me feel a little shallow to be honest but I still believe in love at the end of the day.

We all have our own timescales and you will know yours as it pans out. Take care darling xxx

northerndad Sun 31-Jul-05 22:39:23

I'm sure you'll know it when you find it. Avoid being on the rebound, tried that, lots of bother.

prettyfly1 Sun 31-Jul-05 22:42:44

thanks libb. i guess i was just a bit concerned ( and please all the feminists dont hate me) for the first time in years of perenial-and happy- singledom i am actually lonely. i am fiercly independent, busy and adoring my baby but i would not mind just a little company or somone to chat to and share things with blah blah ( please dont vomit). i know all the stuff that when the right person comes along etc. but it wont help if i push them away. i think the councelling idea is a good one. has anyone else tried it and found it beneficial????

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 22:44:27

Exactly Northerndad, another life lesson I have learnt. Forever hopeful though!

northerndad Sun 31-Jul-05 22:46:27

sorry for butting in, just got kids off msn.

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 22:47:44

Prettyfly, to be honest you sound like you know yourself - you deserve love and it will come to you when you least expect.

And it isn't a bad thing to want someone in your life, just learning to be choosy is the crux isn't it? I hope to be pleasantly surprised one day! (and I wasn't being rude! honestly . . .)

prettyfly1 Sun 31-Jul-05 22:47:52

hi northerndad. its not really rebound, been a year but i do see your point!!!!!!!

prettyfly1 Sun 31-Jul-05 22:49:57

libb i thought your messages were lovely not rude! i know your right and i am sure it will b great but do you worry about falling for another bad un when it could do so much harm to little one. i seem to have diabolical taste adn i jsut could not bear to see him get hurt because of my poor choices

northerndad Sun 31-Jul-05 22:58:08

This might just be a bloke thing, but I tended to get into relatioships without getting to know the other person first. Then expected them to be what I wanted, obviously doesn't work.

prettyfly1 Sun 31-Jul-05 23:01:56

nd thats really interesting. i thought that was a female thing, i have done that to a certain extent but with me it tends to be because i see what i want to because the attraction overrides everything else.

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 23:06:54

I would like to think I will have the sense next time - but I make no promises . . . he he

I am a sucker for love but never thought I was a fool, he caught me unawares but to be honest I knew the facts at the time xxx A lesson learnt etc. etc.

Only you know yourself (maaan . . .), every harsh experience has a lesson I think. Again I ramble xx

northerndad Sun 31-Jul-05 23:09:24

I don't have the answer, but being a single parent has changed my outlook. And no I hope it isn't permanent.

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 23:09:27

I agree completely - my imagination runs away with me and I have rosy ideas of what it will be like . . . but you can't set yourself up for disappointment "just because it might let you down".

It is half the fun too

northerndad Sun 31-Jul-05 23:16:39

So how do you get to know someone without getting too deep, when you have a bunch of kids around?

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 23:25:19

I would imagine it would just involve an awful lot of chat with such questions as "what's your favourite film/music/humour?" etc etc.

And then one day you "Might" choose to move on to the next level - the kids first everytime afterall. Some of my ex's friends still don't realise that.

I am no expert - I would just play it by ear myself

northerndad Sun 31-Jul-05 23:31:18

Libb, I shall have to try that, but I don't know which to ask first. So I'll just ask how ds is.

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 23:37:04

Rueben is Great! despite all the narkiness around him.

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 23:37:46

I hope that is what you meant ... otherwise I get points for being dim alone!

Libb Sun 31-Jul-05 23:39:01

Actually Reuben is fine - stoopid bird I am . . .

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