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Should I help my family? (sorry, very long and complicated!)

(54 Posts)
spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 16:55:35

I'm in a bit of a pickle and really need some advice!! My family is all over the place and everyone seems to be coming to me for help.
Lets start with my mother, she's managed to get herself into a bit so debt(nothing compared to mine...£8000, hers is only £1000) has got bailiffs chasing her and had the cheek to change her address on the store card to mine so I get the treatening letters!! Now she is asking me for money even though she would not help me when i was struggling to buy food for me and my ds.
Next is my aunt and cousins. My uncle lives across the road from me since he split from my aunt and has been doing alright for himself. I popped over for a chat and found that my aunt and 3 cousins had moved in after being evicted( 5 people, 3 dogs, 2 guinea pigs and a rabbit in a tiny 2 bedroom bungalow!) The problem is that now they are dropping hints about some of them moving in with me for a while! Don't get me wrong I love my family but I don't see why I should put myself out for a family that didn't help me. I'm a single mum so I would loose my benefits(shallow,i know but I need them to survive) and I've worked bloody hard to get my life in order and to learn from my mistakes even if they don't learn from theirs.
Also just for good measure, one of my cousins is a "tea leafing" little cow, she stole from me when they were helping me move!
Sorry for the rant and I hope this is not too complicated but am I being selfish for not helping? TIA

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 17:02:10

NO SM!!! Don't do it!!!!!!!! You only have a 2 bed flat and why should you help them when they don't want to know the rest of the time.......
And you are on benifits, so NO don't help your mum, after all whose the parents, and she works and should be able to sort out her own debt

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 17:04:52

And remember 'you only did one good thing in your life and that was your DS' and why should you help your mum get out of debt when she doesn't care about you too much........

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 17:04:59

She has absolutely no clue in what she's doing. My dad has found reminders of the council tax that hasn't been paid for months and she's still sspending like she's got money to burn!

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 17:05:34

Oh before everyone thinks I am being harsh, I know SM and her family...........

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 17:06:00

are your parents still together???

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 17:10:07

also you have enough to deal with without everyone's problems........ if you were struggling would they help you?? I think you know the answer.......

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 17:16:40

Parents barely even acknowledge each other now. Oh forgot to tell you about the whole possible "affair" thing didn't I? Mum was being very secretive and hiding her phone(all the classic signs) so he asked her straight out and she refused to say anything!! I swear I am the only sane one in my family.

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 17:21:21

Don't help them, well, your dad maybe he's ok, but don't help your mum, she need a kick up the backside, that one!!!!

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 17:22:27

you?? SANE??? don't make me laugh!!!!!! only kidding!!!

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 17:25:07

She's well into her midlife crisis. She had another tattoo done instead of having the toad on saturday last week. Dad has admitted that as soon as Lee turns 18 he may leave as there is no reason to stay.

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 17:26:53

I would be out that door now......... your family has always been a bit.......... well, how should I put this....... odd!! (sorry) but your dad has always been ok....... poor bloke, why is he putting up with it........???

Miaou Sun 31-Jul-05 17:30:47

As an objective outsider - absolutely no offence to mieow btw - I would agree and say no, don't help out. Obviously I don't have the full story but my gut instinct tells me that a) they would not be grateful and b) any money lent may not come back, and c) it could create further problems eg with family moving in and refusing to move out.

What a rotten situation for you to be in though spursmum - I'm afraid that whatever you do you will be pilloried for it

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 17:30:48

Coz my brothers are still tied to the apron strings and couldn't fend for themselves if the world was ending!! they are both useless. I know my family are odd. Hell I needed therapy to get over some of the things my mum said to me!!

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 17:32:42

Hope I didn't upset u!!
Just that I have known you for 15 years and have seen what they have done to you...........

emily05 Sun 31-Jul-05 17:34:27

spursmum - you have debt of your own. You need to look after yourself and let them all grow up. You are such a nice person even considering it.

You cant solve money problems with money - even if you paid her whole debt off - I bet you within a year she would have run it up again. The biggest help you can be to her is to refer her to debt counselling.

You are not selfish at all.

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 17:34:32

Cheers miaou. I needed to hear an objective opinion (no offence spark!!) My cousin stole from her own mother, hit her when she found out and refuses to pay her own way! It's just going to be hard when I live across the road!!

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 17:38:23

Thanx emily but my mother refuses to accept that she has depression so how i would convince her to have debt counselling is beyond me!! My whole family has serious impulse control problems when it comes to money but i have learnt to deal with it.
And of course you didn't upset me spark!! you are one of the few people in my life that i can trust to be totally honest no matter what.

Miaou Sun 31-Jul-05 17:41:27

i think we all need friends like that spursmum . Listen to mieow - the vice of reason !

Miaou Sun 31-Jul-05 17:42:00

OOh sorry mieow, that should say the voice of reason

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 17:42:40

Lol at vice!!!! she certainly has a few!! I'm only kidding spark!!

sparklymieow Sun 31-Jul-05 18:12:21

I do speak my mind......... gets me into trouble sometimes........

spursmum Sun 31-Jul-05 19:02:35

Trouble is an understatement with you!!

MeerkatsUnite Sun 31-Jul-05 19:13:35


Do not help any of these family members out under any circumstances. It will come back to haunt you if you do.

I would also add that your Mum is not helping your own debt problems either by having her mail sent to your address. Your address is very important as regards credit checking/references and any future credit you may have. People look at your address when assessing credit. Your credit rating may not be good to start with but your Mum is compounding the problems by having her mail sent to you. I would insist that she changes the address and if she does not comply tell the company yourself that she does not live there.

You need to look after your own interests here and sort out your own debt first and foremost. I hope you are actively sorting out your debt. The CCCS (Consumer Credit Counselling Service) are helpful in this regard.

Don't for goodness sake do what your Mum has done to date and bury your head in the sand - address the debt you have. Debt problems like this do not go away on their own; if left the debt will keep growing.

MrsGordonRamsay Sun 31-Jul-05 19:13:44

What a mess..............

First things first, when your mothers threatening letters arrive at your house, you write on them, NOT AT THIS ADDRESS

Photocopy them and put them back in the post.

If she continues to abuse your address, you put on it, now relocated to <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Photocopy it and put it back in the post.

Next you know she will be cranking up CCJ's against your address.

And you need the proof that she does not live at your address.

Trust me.

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