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My mother gets on my nerves SO MUCH and I feel horribly guilty about it

(21 Posts)
bibbitybobbityhat Sun 18-Apr-10 20:15:15

She is an old lady.

She is going a bit deaf.

She doesn't stop talking.

I am so wound up all the time I am with her. She just annoys me til I could scream.

As soon as she goes home I feel awful, horrible, guilty and ashamed.

Can I do anything about it?

emkana Sun 18-Apr-10 20:18:57

I always quite like the "as if" advice that I've also read about dealing with annoying little children wink. So act as if you are a loving happy daughter when you are with her, play-act the role, imagine maybe that she is not your mother but some other elderly that you have, out of the kindness of your heart, volunteered to spend time with. It will make your encounters more pleasant and you will feel happier afterwards because at least you won't feel guilty. I do with my mum when she annoys me and find it works quite well.

Thediaryofanobody Sun 18-Apr-10 20:19:11

Did you have a good relationship with her as a child? Is she a good person?

bibbitybobbityhat Sun 18-Apr-10 20:21:28

Yes and yes, diary. It all went tits up in my teens and has never recovered.

She is a good person but not a great mother, I fear.

Desiderata Sun 18-Apr-10 20:22:23

In what way is she not a great mother?

blowbroth Sun 18-Apr-10 20:26:15

Me too bibbity! Everything you say ,I can relate to.
I have endless patience but absolutely none with my mother. Like you, I feel terribly guilty after seeing her and vow to behave better next time but I never do.
I'll be watching your thread for any advice that comes through.

Thediaryofanobody Sun 18-Apr-10 20:27:28

Ah right I would go with Emkana "as if" theory then.
When my mum winds me up I remember what a lovely mum she is (especially when I was child) and that we're just different people. I get mostly frustrated because I just know I can never be as great as her.

cornsilk Sun 18-Apr-10 20:28:06

My mum gets on my nerves as well and does so much for me. I am a bad daughter.
<hello desiderata - haven't seen you for ages smile>

Desiderata Sun 18-Apr-10 20:30:56

Hello, Corn smile

Bib, give us a bit more to go on. I think many of us can feel empathy with your emotions, but it would help if you could expand on why you don't think she's a good mum.

Deafness, sadly, can be annoying .. and not just for the sufferer. Do you think she talks too much because she just can't listen?

bibbitybobbityhat Sun 18-Apr-10 20:36:29

Desi - she went through a crisis (my father left her, basically) and didn't cope well. Was depressed, alcoholic. She wasn't really there for me when I was most needy in my life (ie. teens and early 20s). Every single thing anyone says is turned into a conversation about her. Last night I asked dh if he had any gaviscon cos I had heartburn (v rare for me) and mum chips in "that's something I've never suffered from" and I just snapped "for God's sake what has that got to do with anything?". She constantly talks about her childhood, my childhood, I mean literally constantly.

CoupleofKooks Sun 18-Apr-10 20:37:58

bibbity tbh i would be completely selfish and cut seeing her down to as seldom as you can without causing complete strife

CoupleofKooks Sun 18-Apr-10 20:38:25

oh and get some counselling! it sounds like you would have a lot to talk about

Desiderata Sun 18-Apr-10 20:40:53

Ah! Now I understand a bit more, bib.

My mother was an alcoholic from the time I was seven until she died when I was 23. Naturally, I was revolting to her, as she revolted me, and things didn't end well.

However, my mother never talked about herself that much, so you're contending with a double-whammy, for which you have my sympathies.

Is she sober now?

bibbitybobbityhat Sun 18-Apr-10 20:42:18

Also, she has to feel she is helping and she needs to be constantly "looked after" even though she usually comes to stay for about 3 days. She sits in the kitchen and watches me cooking. She says "shall I empty the diswasher?" and I say, not right now thanks because I'm cooking and you'll be in the way. Then I go out of the room to go to the loo or something and when I come back she'll be emptying the diswasher with all the accompanying "where do you keep this then?". You know the sort of thing ...
She wants to be involved in every conversation so if someone says something she doesn't hear she asks what has just been said, even if it was something utterly mundane like "dh your pants are in the tumble dryer".

thegirlonadolphin Mon 19-Apr-10 09:32:04

"She wants to be involved in every conversation so if someone says something she doesn't hear she asks what has just been said, even if it was something utterly mundane like "dh your pants are in the tumble dryer"."

Sadly, I think ALL elderly mothers are like this, you can't mention anything in passing to my parents without it turning into a huge discussion. Eg "one of the gas rings isn't working on the cooker", cue seizing the local paper and long discussions on whether buying second hand would be the way to go, or even converting from gas to electric alongside comparison of prices of various energy suppliers on the Which website and so on.

Feel for you though, I can't look at my parents when they are talking half the time, they irritate me so much.

cumbria81 Mon 19-Apr-10 09:51:24

I feel the same, and mine isn't even elderly or deaf.

I know she loves me, is a good mum, always wants the best for me, is interested in me..but I can't help but get irritated and snappy blush

I feel terrible about this, so guilty.

littlejo67 Mon 19-Apr-10 09:54:59

bib, I really empathise with you as I feel the same way. When I am on my way to my mothers my stomach starts knotting. I cant bear her and everything she says annoys me. Though I act as a caring daughter and just wiggle my toes with frustration!

She does not know how I feel. I protect her from that as I dont wish to make her upset. She has a drinking problem and spends hours telling me about the comings and goings of the neighbours. I realise that at her age this is common as her world is shrinking.

You have my sympathy though as its very difficult to not be genuine it takes emotional energy.

suecy Mon 19-Apr-10 10:40:52

Wow, I can so relate to this. My mum comes to stay with us for around a week each month (Dad died 7 years ago). Before she comes every time I say 'I'll be different'. Within 3 minutes I'm thinking Aaaaaargh!

She has a desperate need to involve herself in the minutae of everyone's life, and an increasing inability to retain information - not a day goes by that she deosn't ask what time do we pick the children up from school. Am beginning to wonder about early signs of dementia but how the heck do you broach that with someone?

She asks about every phone conversation I have during that week, who am I texting, how is my work going blah blah. She cannot get by without asking what everyone has said if she doesn't hear first time, and refuses to ask the person what they said - she always asks me, which results in me snapping 'why don't you ask them, I'm not an interpreter'.

I feel mean feeling like this, but she is just really needy in very very small ways - she lives her own life perfectly well by herself, but just hates being in a room by herself whan she's here so follows people around.

However, she's wonderful with the children, has picked her life up really well after dad died, is still independant and fit at 75, has a great social life and loves us all to pieces.

I look at my daughter now and can cry at the thought of her one day feeling about me what I feel about my mum.

I WILL try harder!

Avalon85 Tue 10-Apr-12 18:15:27

I don't know if you can help me but I currently feel dreadful and must be a vile person. For the past 11 years, my 91 year old mother has been living with us (me, husband and teenage daughter). We Brought her here when my dad died in 2000. She was active and drove near car, was quite young for her age but pretty irritating as only an elderly lady could be. But she was newly bereaved so we went out of our way to make her welcome, took in her incontinent cat too (we had pets of our own) and made sure she had her own living room aside from ours. Over the years she has become awkward, cranky, opinionated and negative about everything. She's in bad health and has regular district nurse visits to do her dressings (her legs are ulcerated). She does so many of the things people in the thread above have said, like the constant inane chit chat, the interfering and question asking that it drives me scatty. She has given up driving as she is disabled and cannot walk easily. My elderly inlaws are brilliant, taking her out once or twice a weeks for tea or shopping. They have lots of time spare and are only 10 years younger so lots in common. But I feel like my life is not my own. My friends get monopolized by her so i dont ask them over any more, and she wants to be included in absolutely everything whereas I sometimes just want a normal life and would like to come home from work, kick off my shoes (anywhere I want) and turn up loud music if I feel like it. I would like to have a conversation with my husband without her being involved in it. I'd like to spontaneously go out to dinner with him or with him and my daughter, without feeling guilty and having to take her too. I'd also like to sit in my own living room without her leaving her own and wanting to come in and talk over the tv programme. I don't want to have a running commentary about who's I'll, who's died or how wet her dressings are (at the table!). It's hard for my 16 year old daughter who gets as frustrated. Her life and her comings and goings are constantly scrutinised. She was very caring but over protective when I was a child and silly and irritating towards me as a teenager. I couldn't wait to leave home and escape. Any one arrives at the door for me and she's in the back ground ("who is it. Are you there. Etc). Constant reminders. ("don't forget it's black bin day tomorrow" "have you got your new car tax yet") and, the other week, when there was a mini heatwave and I was sat in the garden after work (tap tap tap on the window "come in, you'll catch your death". My husband and I run a business. We are very young for our age, neither looking, dressing or acting like we're in our early 50s but this is making me feel prematurely aged. I could scream, I'm so frustrated. Of course I love her, but I really don't think I like her and I don't want to feel like I'm stuck in a time warp and life revolves around dissecting coronation street or talking about hospital visits. I have tried everything to get her to go to social groups for her age group where they will collect her and bring her back but she point blank refuses to go. I am under a lot of stress at work and my relationship is affected by my feelings of frustration as no one else seems to appreciate how I really feel. Hubby can hide away at work, or go on business trips but I'm the principle carer and have a daughter to run about to her social events too. I can never get away from it. I find I spend half my evening in my bedroom tv watching to get away from the comments and irritation. Hubby says she's annoying and daft but seems to be able to switch off. I'm too young to spend my life like this. Her nurses come here and seem to be under the impression we live with her solely to help her, not she lives with us. She acts up with them, putting on a sweet little old lady persona and them turns into a grumpy old battleaxe when they are not here.Teenage daughter likes her long term boyfriend to stay over sometimes and she acts like I'm a child abuser allowing it. I could go on forever but what's the point. I feel quite hopeless like no one knows or cares how I feel. Just want to know if anyone empathizes or do you all think I'm the devils spawn for speaking out.

crazydaizy22 Tue 29-Jul-14 22:28:28

Hi Avalon85

No your not the devils spawn. Far from it. What you have done over the last 11 years has been truly altruistic. Your an angel, that's what you are and deep down your mother knows that. A lot of children would have walked away from such a situation and let their mother get on with it

We all know mothers aren't easy to deal with. A friend said to me recently 'all mothers are annoying, that's there job.' Sound advice. Doesn't make any difference, though, does it when you stuck in the midst of it all.

The first thing your have to recognise Avalon85 is that you are a true angel for what you have done.

You have to stop feeling guilty because guilt, on your part, is not justified in this situation.

Living with an elderly relative can be all consuming so get rid of the guilt - it's totally unjustified in this situation - yes you may have ungracious thoughts - that's perfectly natural in your situation. But please stop feeling guilty and then move forward from there.

You have taken on the responsibility in all of this - your the good guy - so remember that.

Kristine1 Wed 19-Nov-14 17:44:17

crazydaizy22

That has been the best and most logical advice so far, I 100% agree with you. Thank you

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