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damned if i do... and if i don't!!

(16 Posts)
kateandfelicity Tue 26-Jul-05 20:25:58

GGGRRRRRR

OK, I would just love some honest and blunt opinions on this...alright not too blunt

I'm 23, had dd 11 weeks ago and my parents were kind enough to let me stay at home with them during pregnancy and since birth, which is really great of them...

but...

my father only speaks to me so that he can have an argument, he wants to stop me from going into a career in the banking sector because he wants me to go into law... (surprisingly he is a lawyer )

One day he is telling me how I am welcome to stay here and that he'll support me, but the next he is just swearing at me telling me how much he resents me being there...and tells me i should leave unless I agree to live my life according to what he wants... wtf??!!

His terms:

1) must practise law (however, having done 2 degrees in the subject... i think i should know by now that i dont want 2 do that!)

2) dd's father is not allowed to have any contact with dd or me... .. he seems to hate dd's daddy because he finds him threatening perhaps?? I think he is worried that dp will 'take over' my dad's role... and take dd away from seeing my dad.

So, after copious amounts of screaming matches, I got a graduate loan and am now leaving home with dd... my father went mental at me because of this, even though he was the one that told me to leave...

please can anyone tell me:

1) am i just being a silly cow?
2) am i right to leave?
3) how can i get my father to accept that dp is not going to 'go away' and that he has a right to see his dd too!
4) how can i get my father to realise that i am not a serf he can issue dictates to???!!!

please help... has anyone else been in similar situation?

cheers
Kate

hunkermunker Tue 26-Jul-05 20:29:36

I would say leave, let it settle down a bit and hopefully your dad will begin to see you're not a puppet he can control (sounds like he wants to mould you into a mini-me) and your relationship can hopefully move onto being adults, rather than father-child.

I did go through a difficult phase with my dad - I lived at home longer than I'd have liked because I was ill, but we get on really well since I've left home.

Make a success of leaving, get yourself a career sorted - you'll be happy and know you did the right thing - and if he's got any sense he'll see that too. Good luck - I know how stressful it can be xxxxxx

mancmum Tue 26-Jul-05 20:36:33

leave leave leave leave leave

it is your life and your dad should know he can not tell you what to do or who to see... get out and make your own decisions about your life... then tell your Dad what you think he should know == and not decide...

you are a grown up and a mother... your dad should not be dictating anything to you now

gothicmama Tue 26-Jul-05 20:37:19

1) no - fathers are weird with their daughters mine has taken yrs to recover from me and sis being in our late teens early twenties
2) yes - you have out forward areasonable case for leaving you have tried to follow your dad (2 dges) you have arranged you rfinances to leave
3) probably not soemthing you can do but try a gradual adn slow approach it will work
4) You need to show him you ar grown up by making your own decisions and standing by them - it takes time for dads to learn their little girls ar capable of making decisions / coping without their dads
good luck

MeerkatsUnite Tue 26-Jul-05 20:46:32

Kate,

1. No, you are not being a silly cow at all!.
2. In one word - yes
3. You cannot and probably won't ever get your Dad to accept him
4. Showing him that you can take some of the control back by not being dictated to or allowing him to dictate his wishes on you.

Controlling behaviour is also power based behaviour. It is unlikely that his controlling nature will change (also such behaviour is often deeply rooted and lifelong) unless he admits to himself that he has a problem. No-one can make him change; it has to come from within him.

I read no mention of your Mum's reactions to all this. What does your Mum think about all this behaviour her husband shows towards you her daughter?. Does he treat her the same?.

LittleMissNaughty Tue 26-Jul-05 20:50:44

He sounds just like my dad - a control freak! (No offence btw) I have had to move far away from him for this reason.

From my experience, I would answer your questions as follows
1) No
2) Yes, I would say the only option is for you to leave. He is not going to allow you to live your own life if you stay.
3) It is your dd so you should decide who she sees, not him.
4) By becoming as independent as possible.

Blu Tue 26-Jul-05 20:54:27

Where do you usually live, and where does your dp live?
I do sympathise with your situation with your dad, but it does sound as if you might not be making the big steps to independence and self-sufficiency which go with growing up and being completely in control of your own decision making.

Get dp to share responsibility for dd (financially and in giving time) so that you can rely less on your parents? Your dad is revelling in your dependence and using it to pull strings that should now, perhaps be cut.

Tortington Tue 26-Jul-05 21:23:07

your his little girl - you always will be. as your a parent you will knwo that you love your child more than anything else int he world - however she cannot possibly love youback the same way you love her. same with your dad.

youneed to move out even if you must rent in the short term. stand on your own two feet.

AfricoAngel Tue 26-Jul-05 22:59:14

Just leave....you sound just like my best friends mother and she is desperately unhappy. If Felicity is your daughters name, it is a really pretty name. Do what ever you feel is best for you and baby and i'm sure that doesnt not mean loosing all contact with babies father. If babies father wants to be around, by heck, let him and encourage him! There are so many men who get women pregnant, baby is born, and they leave, never to bother to see baby again.

AfricoAngel Tue 26-Jul-05 23:00:39

sorry, meant to say u sound just like my best friend, not her mother! her mother is the parent who is so controlling and tells my best friend what to do with her life.

assumedname Tue 26-Jul-05 23:03:22

Yes, leave. Once you are independent of your parents, your father may come round.

Even if he doesn't, you are living the life you want to lead.

I wasted a lot of my twenties on other people's ideas of what my life should be like. It's not a nice place to be.

kateandfelicity Wed 27-Jul-05 19:08:10

Dear Meercatsunite (great name)

well, my mum's attitude is that of "oh well you know what daddy's like" - hmm yes, as if we could forget!!!

He treats my mother the same way, he speaks to her in such a disgusting tone sometimes. His attitude appears to be that because he is the only breadwinner he can then be alpha male who thumps his chest and stamps his foot till he gets what he wants! (...and this man is in his 50's... sounds more like a 5 year old no?)

BTW little miss naughty... no offence at all taken, my preferred description would be "autocratic egomaniac with psychotic tendencies"

Also, meercatsunite, am a bit sad to think that he can never change, i really would like to have a good relationship with him, but when people try to control me it just really doesn;t work at all. The more someone tries to hold on, the stronger i pull away.

Mancmum - are u in manchester? if so where? i grew up there... great city, miss the people a lot! especially the northern accent!!!

Blu - dp currently lives in sydney australia... thats where we met, he has to wait until october to get here because of work commitments... dp is very supportive, even from other side of the world... he even wants to marry Kate... not so sure thats a good idea, not something i want to rush into... hey, we only have a child together! (bizarre i know)

-Africoangel, (thats a good name) yes, dd's name is Felicity Grace... she's lovely... you can see her at www.mymane.net if you fancy a peek.

kateandfelicity Wed 27-Jul-05 19:10:41

Dear everyone,

thank you so much for your advice, sometimes its just really nice to have an objective opinion on things... just to make sure that i'm not actually going insane...

you are all very kind... thanks

Mud Wed 27-Jul-05 19:15:43

when you leave tell him you love him and always will and that DD will only ever have 2 grandfathers. when you move into your new place make it a priority to invite them round to dinner or lunch with you and DP. I think you are doing completely the right thing and agree with the other posters but don't risk leting pride or i told you so's get in the way of your family. your dd needs her grandad and you need your dad. seeing you as a mother and with your own home will help him reassess you as an adult

Jimjams Wed 27-Jul-05 20:30:11

Ahhh I saw your photos before. Very sweet. Is that your parents house? (I'd rather like the garden )

But yes if you can leave I would- he's not treating you as an adult and probably won't unless you force him to by leaving.

DH is a lawyer by the way and hates it. He says his children can do anything except law I considered it many years ago and am pleased I decided against. All the bankers I know are happier than the lawyers. So think you're right there as well

kateandfelicity Thu 28-Jul-05 19:19:17

Hi Mud... (why mud?)
yeah that sounds like a good idea... i can only try eh? i have a feeling it will be greeted with a sarcastic comment, but i suppose i can just try and be the bigger person, i hope he comes round to being on earth with the rest of us mere mortals...

Jimjams... yeah i just think with law it has to be something you REALLY love... frankly i'd rather an ever elusive training contract went to someone who really wants it as opposed to me...
plus the banking sector is suprisingly really good in terms of mums... lactation rooms... emergency creches if childminder is ill etc... ooh and the money starting off is heaps better... though i'm not going for anything as hard core as m&a... i'm wanting to be a compliance monkey in the anti-money laundering dept... fingers crossed i'll find something good...
-i mean ask your dh how many chambers and solicitors he knows has creches... or rather, how many lawyers esp. barristers who even know what creches are!!

cheers guys... thanks 4 the advice!

Kate & Felicity

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