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No libido whatsoever - am a freak or unique?

(64 Posts)
seriouslylackinglibido Thu 08-Apr-10 16:29:40

Following today's thread on sex after children, I am wondering if I can have some view points.

Have been with my husband for 6 years, married for two, have no DC's yet (meant to be 'working on it') and I have no libido whatsoever. None! I realise that passion does or can fade after a while and it's important to take time out sometimes etc etc but I, frankly, can't be arsed with any of it.

I do fancy my DH, our relationship is good, we have no major worries etc, I am just not interested. If I never had to have sex again I'd be fine with that.

Is this normal or is there something wrong with me to the extent that I ought to see if there is something amiss (physically more than mentally, pretty sure I am fine mentally.)

This is starting to wind DH up a bit, I think, as he has mentioned that I never want to do it any more quite a few times recently.

Oh yes, and I am 35.

Views welcome (I think!)

laurasarah Thu 08-Apr-10 16:48:22

I'm with you on this one.

I still love my dh a lot but as for sex erm maybe once a week if hes lucky. Just cant be arsed or never feel in the mood.

Dont think its that uncommon with young children. We tried a book and some lube. Was a little better but still just got no inclination. Think its something to do with the fact that its not spontaneous anymore (ie with kids around) so not as exciting as it used to be.

I think youre completely normal so dont worry not sure wot other mns think! lol

desperatelylackinglibido Thu 08-Apr-10 16:53:12

Once a week, esp with small children, is a hell of a lot more than we do! I do (and, I really would rather read a book or similar), about once a month? Three weeks?

I also don't masturbate either so when I read threads about people desperate for a shag etc etc I cannot relate in the slightest!

LO's are a good excuse not to IMO!

justgaveup Thu 08-Apr-10 16:55:27

wow, i'm so glad you posted this because i was just about to post something asking if there was anyone out there who just had no libido at all and was fairly happy with it.

If it wasn't for your DH, would you be happy never having sex again?

Have you always felt like this or just since kids came along?

Can you see a point where your libido might come back? (say when kids are older, life is bit less manic?)

Would you say you're basically pretty happy with your life?

(these questions are for both of you who said you have a low libido)

I'm asking all this from the other side of the fence. My husband has no libido at all, never has, but is otherwise happy, physically affectionate, loving, secure, content. I genuinely believe that the thought of sex 'just never occurs'to him (which is what he has told me in the past.

LadyGaggia Thu 08-Apr-10 16:57:21

Feel like that too sometimes.

Would like to just pop a horny pill and jump my husband. I know he'd like that too grin

He feels that I don't fancy him enough to want to jump him and it isn't doing his self esteem much good, but it doesn't seem to be anything to do with him.

I can't even be bothered to masturbate when I feel like this...I'll have a go to see if there is any sensation and get bored.

laurasarah Thu 08-Apr-10 16:57:53

Hear hear couldnt agree more.

Mayb try getting rid of kids if you can even for just an hour. Have you never tried touching yourself down there? You should try it or a vibrator or something? Sometimes its better than real thing tbh! Honestly you are normal these are just some ideas.

I know mine will want some tonight cos we've had FIL here for a week so its been about 2 weeks!


desperatelylackinglibido Thu 08-Apr-10 17:01:39

Oh god, I am so glad I posted! We don't actualy have any kids yet, we are currently meant to be TTC (but also in the process of selling the house so not in much of a rush) so I can't answer from that angle.

However, I can say that yes, I am happy with my life, I have a great relationship with my DH, we are very affectionate etc etc but I just don't want to have a shag (shag anyone that is, him, someone else or even myself!)

I am also fit and healthy blah blah so there is no underlying health issue I know of.

Libido went up a bit when I came off the pill but not for long.

Poor DH!

JollyPirate Thu 08-Apr-10 17:06:18

Glad this has been posted - I wish I had libido but like the OP I would not be bothered if I never had sex again. I split up with DH over this and we live seperately. He visits regularly to see DS and we get on but there is no sex at all.
Now in my 40s and beginning to think that - hell I can live however I want and if that means a celibate lifestyle by choice then this is absolutely my right.

Antidepressants have played a part in the loss of what was a low libido. I don't want sex with anyone else (or even myself) either.

justgaveup Thu 08-Apr-10 17:07:55

Desperately - did you have a fairly low sex drive when you first got together?

When my husband and I first got together we had pretty good sex but was always initiated by me, should have been a warning sign I suppose.

When I've spoken to anyone about my husbands lack of libido they always insist that he must be gay/having an affair/been abused/not like me/be depressed.

It helps to know that some people don't have any 'deep' issues, they are just not that bothered about sex.

desperatelylackinglibido Thu 08-Apr-10 17:09:18

This is what concerns me, it causing a problem between me and DH. It hasn't so far but I do know he would much rather I initiated things more myself and also didn't get pissed off with me if he playfully grabs by boob or whatever (hope that doesn't sound awful) and I swat his hand away and turn around.

And acting like you're up for it when you really can't be arsed is a LOT easier said than done!

desperatelylackinglibido Thu 08-Apr-10 17:11:42

Justgaveup I think we did nothing but shag when we first got together!

Have no deep issues, as such, myself. So, I think that maybe it is true - that some can have a low sex drive with no underlying real problem (such as sexuality / affair etc.)

JollyPirate Thu 08-Apr-10 17:17:56

I actually asked my GP about this as I felt there must be something wrong with me. She said that there is nothing wrong with me but that my sex drive is lower than my ex. She did acknowledge that problems can occur if a couple have very mis-matched sex drives.

I can't say why apart from antidepressants. Just have no real drive at all, am definately not gay as far as I am aware but just don't really have these whole "gagging for it" moments.

justgaveup Thu 08-Apr-10 17:25:15

Mismatched sex drives are a huge problem in relationships and it drives me mad when people just decide that

a)the person with high libido is unreasonable sex maniac and should just have a celibate life cos other person doesn't want sex but also demands that partner stays faithful

b) the person with low libdio is full of 'issues', gay, depressed, unhappy

That said, following years of living in a mismatched relationship I have resigned myself to thinking that it is a problem with no solutions.

The person with the low libido ends up feeling harasses and guilty and resentful.

the person with the high libido ends up feeling rejected, unattractive, frustrated and resentful.

desperatelylackinglibido Thu 08-Apr-10 17:25:28

Interesting. Am not seriously considering seeing my GP although I may have done if I had heard from others on here that they had and it helped sort things out.

Did you ever try and perk yours up, and if so, how? I guess I need to make more of an effort, but it's just that, an 'effort' when surely it should be a natural urge..?!

Miggsie Thu 08-Apr-10 18:29:16

I'm the same.
2 years now and was fine after DD was born but then went downhill.

I don't know why, I don't even want to do cuddling and I know DH is really quite upset.

I watched Rocky Horror last night which I used to love, and I found it embarassing and crass. And I used to love Tim Curry...

Maybe that's because I'm in my 40's but soemtimes I feel like I've turned into a middle aged prude. something I've always hated.

I am considering therapy as I feel like I've turned into the worst kind of "disgusted of Tunbrdige Wells"

desperatelylackinglibido Thu 08-Apr-10 18:30:43

Sugar, I hope it's nothing too tricky to sort out Miggsie.

hmc Thu 08-Apr-10 18:32:54

I have no libido either and feel precisely the same as you do. I haven't changed my name for this as I don't think it is shameful or embarrassing to admit it. Suspect that a lot of women feel this way but it isn't often discussed!

Miggsie Thu 08-Apr-10 18:33:15

I am getting quite depressed about it, but I also have other health problems and wonder if that is contributing.
I've put on weight that has really got me down and I can't shift it.
The doctor is checking my thyroid.

Oh well, luckily my DH is lovely and so is DD.

Evenings are me sewing and DH on the PC. He comes to bed after I've gone to sleep.

I could never admit this to anyone in real life.

hmc Thu 08-Apr-10 18:36:09

I tried therapy Miggsie - with a specialist sexual counsellor from Relate, no good.

Tried the GP - wasn't helpful.

Think it is unfair on my dh - but hell, what can you do!

Oddly I had a sex drive when pregnant - so I think mine might be hormonal. GP doesn't seem interested in resolving it though

desperatelylackinglibido Thu 08-Apr-10 18:37:09

Neither could I! And I even name changed for this thread on Mumsnet!

I often get into my pj's (vamp that I am!) quickly so DH doesn't see me in the nud and get 'ideas.' I think I am more inclined to be a morning shagger than an evening one, but I am still not that fussed. Like I said, I don't even masturbate - never have. Also, and MY GOD I could not admit this in RL, I have never had an orgasm.

I did try and get into the masturbation thing to try and work out how to orgasm but I couldn't get into it.

I also must be an excellent faker blush

I too have no sex drive at the moment and haven't for years except when ttc, this seems to get me in the mood,

we did go at it like rabbits in the first few years of our relationship.

but seeing as we don't intend to have any more children I'm not sure when the desire for any intimacy will come back.

To be perfectly honest I would kind of understand if DP had an affair, (although I'm confident he isn't)
luckily he seems ok with everything at the moment, but who knows for how long.

desperatelylackinglibido Thu 08-Apr-10 18:41:21

I have to say the TTC idea kind of got me in the mood, at first anyway as that seems to have faded off now.

deaddei Thu 08-Apr-10 18:42:36

Me too. (this is a bit like I am Spartacus!)
Not remotely interested since ds born 11 years ago. Am now nearly 50, on HRT.
May ask doctor as it's becoming a bit of an issue.

WorzselMummage Thu 08-Apr-10 18:44:20

I'm not really bothered about sex either tbh and I'm not even married yet lol!

I think 3 years ttc has put us both off for life!

luckily I seem to conceive quite quickly (two and three months) so it didn't have time to wear off before becoming pregnant

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