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He wants another baby

(10 Posts)
mismatch Tue 26-Jul-05 08:42:41

DP wants another baby the problem is I don't. I love our to DDs to death but I am happy with 2.

I think he would like to try for a boy but thers no guarantees for that is there !!!! He says yes a boy would be nice, but another girl would be too.

Youngest is nearly two, eldest 4. I just don't want to go thru the whole sleepness night thing again, and look forward to when I can get a part time job when DD2 starts school. (Plus we haven't got anymore room for another addition!)

Its not a huge problem towards us YET, and I have told him that i'm not saying never, but I definatley don't want one at the mo.

He says the age gap between the girls is just right - hinting that now would be the time to try for baby no.3 .......... I struggle to cope with these two let alone a new baby!!!!!

He says it not fair that the desicion should me totally down to me but IMO it is as I would be the one going thru pregnancy, birth and looking after the baby.(He aint much help when it came to feeding/bathing/screaming at 3am...)

Has anyone else had this diagreement??

Moomin Tue 26-Jul-05 08:46:38

haven't had this disagreement but am totally with you on this. Unless he can guarantee that he will be there for 50% of the child-rearing (when he's not at work) then I can't see how you can consider it at the moment. IT might be different if he were more help but it doesn't sound like he is! You stick to your guns. It's your body and your life.

Raspberry Tue 26-Jul-05 08:51:24

Forget the disagreement, its your body, agree with Moomin.

Tell him if he wants a baby to go ahead, although male pregnancy is some years away still I believe.

handlemecarefully Tue 26-Jul-05 08:54:33

Agree - stick to your guns. Lets face it in most relationships it is the woman who does the majority of the childcare; so if you're not happy you have the final say.

Lonelymum Tue 26-Jul-05 08:56:00

He is right in that it is not fasir that the decision should be yours alone, but then, I don't think you are making it alone. You have clearly had some discussions about this and so you are making the decision together. He is just upset because the decision hasn't gone his way!

It sounds as though you have time on your hands and loads of people have a late addition when the rest of their family is older, so why not suggest to dh that you are tired of pg and baby rearing for now, but you will think again about it in a few years. Who knows how you will feel then?

expatinscotland Tue 26-Jul-05 09:11:39

Sorry, but if he's not that much of a help then it IS your decision. It's YOUR body, after all. How about you get a full-time job and HE be a stay at home dad. Is he willing to do that?

My husband stays home during the days w/DD, and as a result we are both in full agreement that this one, no. 2, will be the last.

Moomin Tue 26-Jul-05 09:33:40

that's a good point actaully about being a sahd. My dh works f/t but is a very hands-on dad: does all bath and bed times, cooks for her at weekends or when I'm not up to it (I'm pg) and arranges activities for her in their spare time. But even he sympathises with the f/t care that looking after a child can be. He knows after a full day with dd that it's harder than most paid jobs!
Say to your dh if you are to consider it now or in the future you will need his reassurances that he will help a lot more. Ask him to show his commitment by having both dds for a full day one weekend, so he can gain just a tiny insight into what it's like.

mismatch Tue 26-Jul-05 09:41:16

Thank you for your replies.

Theres no chance of him being SAHD as I could only earn a fraction of what he does.

He helps out a bit more now the girls are older, but he is the kind of person that needs a good nights sleep or he is a grumpy sod next day (he should try every night for 1.5 years!!!!!)

Its like you say, he dosn't fully know what looking after kids f/time is truly like.

He soon will though as I'm arranging a girly night away and will be leaving him mid day Sat to Sunday eve next month!! (Craft git will probably get his mum round or something!)

WigWamBam Tue 26-Jul-05 09:42:46

He's right that the decision isn't totally down to you, but it's not totally down to him, either. As you're the one who has to go through the pregnancy, and seem to be the main carer, he needs to take your reservations more seriously.

Have you actually told him that you're struggling to cope with the two you've got because of his lack of input? Perhaps if he thinks that it's his lack of help that is making you reluctant to try for another then he might buck his ideas up a bit.

The one other thing I would say, though, is not to give him hope if there is none. You say you've told him that you're not saying "never", but your post sounds very much as if you don't want another baby at all - your comments that you haven't got room, don't want to go through the sleepless nights again and want to get a job once both children are at school don't really sound as if you're thinking about another one at any stage in the future. I could be reading you wrongly, but if you don't want any more children at all, then it's unfair to give your dh false hope.

expatinscotland Tue 26-Jul-05 09:45:50

I think I'd leave him w/them for a full on long weekend, not just overnight. And no phoning mum to have her round. That's what I'd tell him. 'Well, if you're really serious, rather than just getting reassurances you'll help out more, it might be best for you to try it out first. I'm going away to XYZ. No inviting your mum around - I'll find out. Then we can talk.'

Or, alternatively, how about hiring help for around the house or childcare?

If he balks at either of these suggestions, sorry, but personally I wouldn't have another child. It will just make you resentful.

I work full time, too, but you know, part of being mature is overcoming 'grumpiness' after nights with little sleep. That's part and parcel w/having kids, and if I couldn't learn to handle it, I wouldn't have any.

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