Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Have you successfully house trained your dh/dp?? How did you do it??!!(11 Posts)
I have been in such a bad mood since I got up this morning because of dp's lack of ability to lift a finger in this house. Yesterday we were out all day and got kfc on the way home. While we were just about finished, he got up from the table and went and sat and watched tv. DD went and told him that he has to sit at the table til we are all finished so he came back for about 3 minutes then went back to the tv.
I asked him to help me clear it away, and he said ok and did nothing, so i left it. Just before i went to bed i started to clear it but thought 'why should i??' so made him do it.
2 days ago i asked him to wash up after dinner as i had washed up and cooked. He didn't. So I'm on strike. The dishes are piling up, the house looks like a bomb has hit it and it's starting to drive me mad but i don't want to do it out of principle!! I'm not doing his washing or ironing either. He always uses work as an excuse not to do anything but it was ok for him to not bother going in til 11 this morning because he wanted to watch football.
Despite the fact that i went mad at him this morning, straight after the football he went to work - leaving me to deal with the crap as usual
Is there a way round it? Does going on strike make a blind bit of difference??
swiperfox,if your tactic works I'll certainly be trying it too.Your dp & my dh sound remarkably similar.
Mine came ready trained - I think he is tidy by habit. He makes the same complaints about me... Some of it may be that you dh doesn't care so much about it (I know that my "mess threshold" is much higher than dh's), and some of it maybe that if you have always done everything he may not be aware of how long it takes/what a hassle it is. Good luck with the strike!
I would LOVE to housetrain dp....im having more success with the kids though. Im afraid to say I just keep rabbitting, on can you, will you, have you, is it done yet...and if he moans I just say You dont have to ask me to do anything, its already been done and WHY is it I should do everything? Usually works, though feel like its a teenager not a bloke im having to nag.
Mine came trained too! He is more trained than me. Sometimes I get moaned at!
I think if I go on strike for the rest of my life, it will not going to make any difference. dh does not believe in cleaning.
swiperfox, i'm with you on this one. Hope your strike works. Mine have ended with him running out of underpants, the ususal subtle put downs, and me going like a dingbat to catch up. My latest tactic is to keep everything upto date, (inc washing kitchen floor a 6.30am so ds can safely play on it at 7), and living my life in my head. Its very lonely either way, but atleast he's got no anchor if he decides to have a go. Good luck
you need to talk about it and be specific - you need to tell him its a partnership. if you cook - he washed up - thats fair and visa versa.
for a certain time in the evenining agree to tidy up. so from 7 - 7.30 clean over the kitchen sides whilst he picks up in front room.
dish out bigger jobs in agreement - like lmowing the front lawn - you
back garden - him
bin bags - him
strimming - you
if he tells you to go swivel. then i woud seriously put his things in a black bin bag and throw them outside. then everytime he needs something washing stick it in a bin bag and throw it outside.
whilst he is at work - change the house round so he has a room to himself with a telly, all his cd's etc. then tell him you have contacted the csa and when you leave him he will have to give you 2/3rds of his wages - odds are lazy fker wont be arsed to check.
tell him hes now effectivley living on his own. leave the ironing board where it can be used by both without him having to go in your room for anything.
if you can stretch to it - get a lock on the bedroom door.
do this for a week then tell him your offski somewhere mid week - so he has to drop everything to look after the kids only for a couple of days.
if none of the above works - sack him theres plenty more fish in the sea - and remind him you wernt born with the automatic skills of houswifery and hes a cunt
oh and do like i do with my kids - give him a specific plate.
my kids each have a different coloured plate - that way i kow who hasn't washed theirs after tea.
so if he doesn't wash his own plate give him his tea on yesterdays crusty shit.
better still dont cook for him at all.
Oh wow custardo sounds like you speak from experience.
I've only just joined Mumsnet and couldn't decide which thread to post on first - swinging couples, I read my dh's diary, or this one - all felt strangely close to my heart.
Anyways, I've been fighting this particular battle for 14 years now and things have changed gradually over that time and more recently, we had a dramatic breakthrough. We have had so many rows about this (exactly the same rows every time).
What changed was that I changed the way I talked about it.
I got less angry, more matter of fact, but the subtext was more stark. I didn't flinch from telling him exactly how I felt, but maintaining an air of calm and control.
And said that I would be organising leaving him as of the next day, because I would never be happy living as we were living and I didn't want to wake up, ten years down the line and feel that I had spent so much of my life being taken advantage of.
We ended up having a real conversation about this for the first time ever and ever since he has been sharing domestic duties. At this point, once I'd got his attention, I had to be careful not to just attack, but to be seen to listen to him too and to ask him about how he felt we could organise stuff so that he could move into the equation most easily. He's really shit at doing the jobs and he does need to be told to do stuff still (although he does do some things without being told). I have outlawed the word "nag". If I have to remind him to do stuff, that's because he has failed to do it - I will not be made to feel guilty about this. And I certainly won't accept being characterised as an ugly person who wants to bring stress into the lives of others.
This might sound great, but it does have drawbacks. It took him ages to recover from the shock of me threatening to leave (a threat which was made seriously and he knew it). In fact we are still dealing with the fallout. A normally fantastically faithful man, he kneejerked into trying to make me jealous by flirting with other women (something which he has done in the past, only when I have hurt his feelings - usually by having a go at him about something unsex-related.)
So, we've ended up opening up loads of cans of worms and having all sorts of hideous discussions, but we finally seem to be on a home straight. We like each other again and we're finding more fun in life, in spite of having 3 children!
Personally, I don't think the going on strike thing will work - mainly because you're more likely to find it awful than he is. Also, he will probably just see it as an attack (obviously a perfectly justifiable one, but you don't want to be justified, you want to change things, right?)
I'm not sure if it's necessary to go as far as I did - I think I might have changed things by talking in a different, calmer, but more serious way about the issue without the threat of leaving.
Another thing that I would add is that it really helps to try to avoid letting loads of other issues creep into these discussions. You're much more likely to get a result if you just concentrate on one issue and if you try to find areas where you can be seen to concede something. If you make him feel really attacked, he will probably just go into defensive mode. He won't want to confront a picture of himself that is incredibly damning, so will probably avoid thinking about the issue and just start defending himself.
Just my opinion, obviously, and based on my own husband who may not be typical.
Best of luck, whatever you do. It's shit to drudge away for someone and find you have no space left to have fun, whilst you watch him pleasing himself pretty much all the time.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.