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he's just left me

(15 Posts)
benbenandme Sat 23-Jul-05 06:21:06

Up until 8pm last night i thought I had the perfect life. then dp walks in and announces he doesn't love me anymore and is leaving. ds is 2 on tuesday and I feel a total failure. I never saw it coming, we never row, I can't stop being sick. I am so scared, please someone help me, I have been sat in the garden all night waiting for it to get light.

aloha Sat 23-Jul-05 06:24:58

I'm so sorry. How dreadful for you. What's happening now? Where is your dp? Was he drunk? Has he been having some kind of crisis?

jollymum Sat 23-Jul-05 06:25:39

Saw your message and wanted you to know someone's here. Sorry to hear this, did he say why, what etc? Do you have someone in RL to call on, don't be on your own because you will need help coping with Ben. He musn't see {if possible} that Mummy's sad. Is your dh coming round, did he leave or is he with you. Perhaps you two should go somewhere on your own and talk more. It's not you, you are not a failure because you are not the one " bailing out" of a situation that hasn't even had the chance to be fixed, never mind discussed properly. One person can't make a decision for three people without some sort of consultation. I'm here....

jollymum Sat 23-Jul-05 06:30:45

Still here..

benbenandme Sat 23-Jul-05 06:30:53

thank you both, i asked him not to leave last night so he stayed on the sofa. We have never roqwed, have been together 6+1/2yrs, I always thought we were happy. All my friends wanted a relationship like ours(!!!). My sister is soming to get me to take me to her house. He wasn't drunk at all, apparantly he has been feeling this way for a year, has tried to change the way he feels but can't. My head is spinning and I am dreading ds getting up and carrying on his day as normal when I feel his world has just been ripped apart.

benbenandme Sat 23-Jul-05 06:32:58

that should hace said "We never rowed", sorry for the delay in replying, i keep being sick, i do appreciate your help!!

jollymum Sat 23-Jul-05 06:40:50

If he's been feeling that like for a year, didn't he show it in any way, less cuddles/sex etc? Perhaps he has problems that he doesn't want you to know about, work struggles, debt and this is a way out for him so you don't get any of the flak. Has he considered how the relationship with his son will work, access etc 'cos at the moment you're sad but you'll probably get really mad soon. Try and eat a biscuit or something, try and be calm when he wakes up and perhaps write down what you want/need to say so that you don't shout/start begging and crying/ give in. You are not in the wrong here, you haven't changed life, he has and you need a more reasoned explanation than that he doesn't love you anymore. Love can "die" or tail off in longer relationships, people forget to be loving and just struggle on with life. Perhaps you two need a break together to be yourselves, not just Mummy and Daddy. HTH

benbenandme Sat 23-Jul-05 06:49:33

I have spent the night trying to think of clues or signs over the last year but really can't. Sex in the last 6 weeks has been less frequent but still at least once a week often more, not bad I thought considering ds is under 2. We still talked every day, like properly about stuff not just every day mundane stuff. I can't believe he can just give up without me even having a chance. He is 7 years younger than me but he is really mature for his age (26). I know I will get over it eventually but I am devastated that I am now a single mother and that we have let down our son and that Ben will never have any proper brothers/sisters, which is something we both wanted (I thought) as we both come from larger familis. He feels fed up cos I am obsessed about money and we never go out much (what did he expect with kids?) (I'm more careful than him with it esecially since ds was born and I went part-time). We discussed all this sort of stuff before I got pregnant because I thought it was such a life-changing decision (to have a baby), and I genuinely thought if it ever came to it we would never split up unless we had tried every possible route. I can't believe he can just give up so easily. Does it mean he doesn't love ds as much as I thought?

benbenandme Sat 23-Jul-05 06:51:16

I will be back soon, have to go and ring a couple of friends who will be up now,

jollymum Sat 23-Jul-05 07:00:50

OK, so sex is OK, it's a heap better than my once a year. He sounds like he's been feeling left out a bit, maybe his mates are all not married and nagging at him to go out drinking etc? It's too soon IMO to be doing the single mum thing, it's only a night and he's probably going to be relieved/totally shocked that he's said something to rock your world (and his). It's obviously been on his mind and if he wasn't drunk, that's better because it means he hasn't just blurted it out. For every action there's a reaction. Take your time and think about things. If he thinks you're obsessed with money, is that 'cos it's tight? Does he go out with friends and do you for that matter? It can get really boring being at home and sometimes people forget that they're humans as well as parents! Has he woken up yet? This happened to me, I didn't sleep all night either and the ** woke up and I'm sure he'd forgotten what happened for those first few seconds! Maybe it's a good thing he's told you...it's something to work on. Maybe you and he need time apart for a while, so he can maybe see what he will be missing? Maybe he's so used to you and Ben, he doesn't appreciate it, that it could all be gone in a second and another thing, he's going to be a lot worse off moneywise if you do split up. He'll have to find a new place, pay child support etc and have the guilt of a part time dad. Keep talking....

tigermoth Sat 23-Jul-05 07:44:48

really sorry you are going through this - hope beyond hope that your dh decides to stay talk this through. The way it's come out of the blue sounds like he's been bottling this up. Now it's out in the open, that tension has gone and he might feel he can work things out with you.

If your dh is so worried about money, does he realise it won't be that long before your son is in nursery (and school isn't that far away either). If you have to pay for childcare soon your financial burden will be less.

jollymum Sat 23-Jul-05 10:55:04

Hey, how's it going? Keep in touch...sending hugs

Bubblegirl Sun 24-Jul-05 20:30:09

Hope things are a bit less bad than they seemed the other day...? Has DH had any willingness to talk it out at all? {hugs}

benbenandme Sat 30-Jul-05 14:24:32

Hello, sorry I just disappeared like that - my sister arrived to take me to her house for a few days and she doesn't have a computer (I missed the computer almost as much as I miss dp, ha ha!!).

Well anyway, he hasn't changed his mind but having done lots of thinking and talking I feel a lot better each day. He has moved out (to his mums) and is insisting he can't see us ever getting back together, but something inside me doesn't believe him totally as things he does don't seem that normal for someone who has just walked out (eg. driving for 2 hours to pick us up from my sisters, offering to come round and drive me to Tesco, taking the day off work next week for my birthday...). I am hoping that with time he may realise that he was incredibly angry/frustrated with the situation and agree to try again. We are already talking about arranging a night out each week (cinema/meal etc., just as friends, so part of me is clinging on to the hope that he is just being a dopey bloke who can't communicate very well, and the rest of me is trying to ready myself for a day when he says he is 100% definante that it is over. On the plus-side I have lost 8lbs in a week - who needs Weight-Watchers when there are bloody useless men around???

Thank you all for your support anyhow and I will keep you updated!!

sanchpanch Sat 30-Jul-05 15:30:49

I have been waiting for you to come back, i am going through same thing at moment, see my other post about getting back together after a break, 5 weeks ago my lovely boyfriend, told me things were bad and he wanted a break, like you i havent need weight watchers as the weight has fallen off, I am beside myself, but just trying to carry on for my daughters age 7 and 2, but it is hard although i am sure it will get easier,
Like you i am sure he will see sense in the end, i know for sure it would kill him if i met someone else and they were spending time with girls, (although thats a long way off but it is reality)
we are supposed to be going out on monday as a family and i am dreading it as i find it so hard to talk to him at moment, without crying!!!
I hope it works out for you in the end...

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