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Lesbian Affair

(55 Posts)
AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:06:08

Please don't shout at me!
Maybe I shouldn't be here as I am not a mum but ..I am a french girl working and living in London having an affair with a married mum in London. I just wanted some thoughts as half the time I am very happy with what I have with my lover and the other half I feel guilty and conflicted and ashamed of the secrecy etc. I know its wrong but how wrong if she is very happy and I am. Its difficult.
Thank you

justallovertheplace Sun 21-Mar-10 11:06:51

And I'm a monkeys uncle

moviegirl Sun 21-Mar-10 11:13:33

Do whats right and leave - stop all contact for at least a month

if the relationship is "right" then it will survive the split. The "mother" will then have time to reflect on her life also

but you must stop it now

GheeDeMaupassant Sun 21-Mar-10 11:14:56


AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:15:14

what is the monkeys uncle?

AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:15:45

thank you moviegirl

QuintessentialShadows Sun 21-Mar-10 11:17:12

Your gender does not married. You are having an affair with a married person with a child. Possibly breaking up a young family in the process. Is this what you want to do?
Do you want to be the reason why young children dont live with both their parents any more?

Break it off with her, and tell her to sort herself out.

If this is love, your relationship will survive. For yourself, dont you want to know if you are just "a bit on the side" or really mean something to her? Wouldnt you want to be with somebody who loves you for who/what you are, and you can build a future with?

QuintessentialShadows Sun 21-Mar-10 11:17:42

sorry, my first sentence should read "your gender does not matter, not married hmm

moviegirl Sun 21-Mar-10 11:19:03

I really feel for you - doesnt matter what sex a person is, love feelings, relationships are all the same.

You will have to be strong. She is deceiving her husband (although he would probably like to watch!! - no offence just trying to cheer you up!) and also deceiving you.

Delete her email address, mobile number, and stop contacting her. She is probably in the same turmoil as you and pondering the same - be the bigger and better person and make the decision for her.

AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:21:20

I can see all you say as making sense but it takes two people to make a relationship. It is not entirely my responsibility surely? Surely it is a mutual responsibility and therefore a mutual decision? Or maybe as I am the outside person I have to do as you say?

AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:23:32

Yes exactly moviegirl. love is the same to everyone. Why is she deceiving me though? I couldn't walk off without explaining. That would be cruel.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 21-Mar-10 11:24:14

The decent thing to do is to respect other peoples marriages and relationships. You should have stayed away in the first place. Not just for her and the kids, but for yourself.

You may not envisage falling deeply in love, but you may. And do you really think she is going to leave her husband, her house and her kids to embark on a new future with you?

There is only one way to find out.

And if she does not mean anything to you, then backing out doesnt matter, now, does it?

You dont play with peoples emotions just because you can. That is just pathetic and immature, non?

moviegirl Sun 21-Mar-10 11:25:39

you are your own person and no one can tell you "what to say"

you came on here for advice although i think you already knew what we would all say

yes you are the third party in this and therefore have less to loose. You also have the control to end it and therefore you should

If it is real love and you have a real future together then eventually you will be re-united. But you must have a break so you can both think things through.

I think that you fear a break becuase you know deep down she will not leave her husband and break up her family - and that is the reality

Men who have mistresses rarely leave their wives and this is the same thing.

Sorry if we are all blunt but I honestly do think that deep down you know what you have to do

AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:28:12

Well quintessentially firstly she does mean alot to me. I love her and trust her. You make it sound like I was the one who 'caused' all this. It takes two and I didn't make it start though that doesn't matter now as I participated so I am equally guilty. I am not playing with anyones emotions. You could equally say she is playing with mine but i would not say that as its not true either way.

AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:30:00

Blunt is ok. I didn't have to come here to ask advice. was my choice so I thank you for the advice. So far as you say it seems i now know what you think I should do.

AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:31:16

at least I am not having an affair with a 'monkeys uncle'!

moviegirl Sun 21-Mar-10 11:32:26

yes it does take two but you are not married and she is.

How can you trust sometone who is capable of deceiving her husband and family.

I know these things just "happen" and people fall in love when they shouldnt but one of you has to be brave enough to end this before it all spiralls out of control.

If it is real love then what do you have to fear from a months break? I think you know that if you do have a break it will end as she will be forced to face reality

all you have to tell her is that you are not happy with the situation with her being married and that a break will give you both time to think

QuintessentialShadows Sun 21-Mar-10 11:36:20

You have to think a little forward.

So, she gets a divorce, and moves in with you. With or without her kids.

Are you ok about being a step mum? Are you going to be ok with taking on her children and care for them together with her? Are you going to be ok with her having shared custody for example, and her children are one week with you and her, next week with her husband etc? Just because you are two women, it wouldnt mean that you would be able to exclude yourself from the responsibility a MAN in a similar situation as yourself would be in, regards to step parenting.

AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:37:07

Thanks for understanding that these things do just 'happen' and people fall in love with the wrong people.

Its pretty confusing generally and to see someone just write down what I should do is helpful so thanks.

moviegirl Sun 21-Mar-10 11:38:54

and there was me thinking that MEN were the route to all life's problems

AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:39:16

You are right completely Quintessential about responsibility. I would never run from responsibility but whether I want it is another matter and it would all be part of the 'package'.

AnnaFrench Sun 21-Mar-10 11:40:40

LOL Moviegirl sadly they are not the only ones. Is complicated this life thing.

teasle Sun 21-Mar-10 11:41:01

Have you talked about how/if the affair will progress? Has she hinted at longer term, does her DP know? etc

QuintessentialShadows Sun 21-Mar-10 11:44:27

You have to think long and hard yourself, because a person with " a package" is not as straight foreward as one without!

The end result is that you may be depriving yourself of what could be a loving long term relationship with somebody else, because you are so focussed on the person you are involved with NOW that you wont have your eyes and heart open for other possibilities.

Married people rarely leave their families behind, and I think in general, that a bisexual person (which I gather she is, as she is married with kids) rarely opts for the more unconventional and difficult relationship, regardless of her passion!

Gay40 Sun 21-Mar-10 11:54:13

It's not an uncommon situation, and sometimes the women leave their husbands (boyfriends, whatever) and sometimes they don't.
Walking away might solve your problem but it won't solve hers - chances are she'd find another woman to have on the side anyway.
And if it is true love, she'll leave him for you and you'll live happily ever after.

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