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Am I the only one who is not closer to their mother?

(25 Posts)
LilMissScatterbrain Tue 19-Jul-05 13:43:11

Having got a dd of my own who means the world to me, I can't imagine not being close to her in the future.

The thing that worries me is that I have never been close to my own mother. I like to think my mother is quite different to me. She is very quiet, has no friends and doesn't seem to like any form of affection. When dd was born, she showed some interest for a little while and came to stay with me for a few weeks. The entire time she was down, she was all over her new grand-daughter but never showed any form of love towards me. I was actually a tiny bit envious.

I have tried to get closer to her but she doesn't seem interested, and I'm not really that bothered any more.

Just wondered if other people out there are not close to their own mother, as I feel like I'm the only one.

Donbean Tue 19-Jul-05 14:04:27

Me, i am not close to my mother at all.
Never have been.
She is a marginally better grandmother than she ever was a mother, but not to my ds. (she is very good with my 2 sisters kids)
It doesnt bother me as i dont feel that i have missed any thing. There was a period of about 5 years where we never spoke or saw each other at all, it was no big loss.
She is just another person and i feel no emotional attachment to her at all.

joash Tue 19-Jul-05 14:08:48

Me enither - I can't stand my mother. She was always more interested in my siblings than me and even repeatedly told me so. She was even worse as a grandmother than she was as a mother. Took me 38 years before I had the courage to walk away and it's one of the best thing I ever did.

coldtea Tue 19-Jul-05 14:09:22

I'm not close to mine, it used to really bother me but not anymore. We very little in common-good job too!

I have a lovely family of my own now & great in-laws-most of the time . I think she is the one missing out, not me.

joash Tue 19-Jul-05 14:10:47

Here-here coldtea, couldn't agree more

Donbean Tue 19-Jul-05 14:11:20

does this make you feel better scatty?

LilMissScatterbrain Tue 19-Jul-05 14:22:18

Thank you for your comments. I am sorry that you are not close to your mothers too. It is hard to think that the woman who brought into the world could become so distant.

It is good to know that I'm not the only one as I am surrounded by people who are 'best friends' with their mother. I do hope though that I will never have the same relationship with my dd, in fact I know I won't as I don't believe I possess the same cold qualities as my mother.

Thanks for listening. I love mumsnet!

LilMissScatterbrain Tue 19-Jul-05 14:23:22

Coldtea, I agree with your comment too.

Gonz Tue 19-Jul-05 14:27:26

I am the youngest girl out of 7 and I have never felt close to my mother, she has never tried to be close to me, she is ok with my kids when she sees them but I feel awkard around her and even dislike being in the same room as her as I feel I have to make conversation with her. I try not to let it affect me and have made sure that my daughters and I are as close as possible. I show them loads of affection and they are very tactile thank goodness. Don't worry there are loads like us even though it doesn't feel like it when you see your friends getting on with there mums. Enjoy your children and that'll help

lovecloud Tue 19-Jul-05 14:37:05

That is so sad, some of your entries made me so emotional.

I just kept thinking what if that happens with me and my dd - I could not handle that as she is my world.

I love my mum to bits, she has never been a touchy feely huggy person and I dont ever remember her telling me she loved me. She is not too good at that thanks to her abused childhood but she shows it in so many other ways that she never needs to say it. The older we got we just hugged her whether she liked it or not. If I am on holiday and I call her at the very end of the call you will hear her say very quickly "i love you", you'd miss it if you swalloed, always make me smile and feel slightly. I remember feeling all awkward and embarassed when I heard my friends mums say "i love you" to my friends at night during sleep overs.

I know siblings can be quite different and not get on but how do you get to the point of not liking your mother unless of course they are horrible people. Are you just totally on a different wave lenght to each other or is there some history there. Did she have you too young or have to make sacrifices like for careers etc... Not saying of course that is a good reason, cant imagine any reason.

but i guess we are adults and we have our own little families now, sometimes when there are situations like that you should not waste neagtive energy thinking about it and just enjoy what you have and what you love as we never know what tomorrow holds.

chenin Tue 19-Jul-05 14:41:52

LilMiss - just be proud of the wonderful relationship you are having with your children - yes, it is sad you don't have that with your mother. I didn't and she had an almost non-existent relationship with my DDs. What a loss for her. I think ppl who are in the same boat as you, work much harder at their relationships with their own children - some good has to come out of a bad relationship with their own mother and that has to be a benefit.
Yes, it is very hard to see friends with their mums and always wonder why you couldn't have that but just look at my children and realise I have got it right and that is the important thing.

Gonz Tue 19-Jul-05 14:51:04

Totally agree with Hellibean, LilMiss, look at you dd and smile, you are both lucky to have each other x

Sparks Tue 19-Jul-05 14:56:11

You are not the only one LMS. I have never been particularly close to my mother, either. It's not that I dislike her or that she did something horrible, just that we have really different points of view and different interests.

Like you, I tried to get closer to her when I was in my 20s, but she didn't show much interest. At first, it really bothered me that she wasn't interested in my life, but as time has gone by, I have come to accept the situation.

I think helliebean is right about people like us putting more into relationships with our children. My dd and I are much closer and more affectionate than I ever was with my mum. I am sure that will continue.

pinkmama Tue 19-Jul-05 15:31:30

Hi LMS
I am not close to my mother although I once thought I was, but now I am older I realise that she just brought us up to be dependent on her. As I got older I saw how manipulative she was and I think it went rapidly down hill once I had my dd. I think there are several reasons, she is very controlling and maniplulative and it really annoyed me when she tried this with dd. Also having children myself made me begin to question some of the behaviour or decisions she had made in my childhood and made me question a lot of stuff, and alos because I just dont think she is a very nice person. We have very different views/beleifs. Took me a long time to accept that I just dont like her and the only reason she is still in our lives is because I think it would make my relationship with my dad, brother and sister very difficult. I think she finds the breakdown in our relationship hard, but rather than try to address it as an adult she plays the victims and times we hve tried to talk its just ended up with her playing a massive guilt card because I am the worst daughter in the world.

I owuld be truly devastated if I made my dd feel the way my mum makes me feel. I can only hope I can learn from my mums mistakes.

chicagomum Tue 19-Jul-05 16:13:09

i'm not particularly close to my mother either, we certainly love each other and see each other once a month or so, but i went to boarding school from the age of 9 so didn't really grow up with my parents iykwim. as a result although we have a relationship we've kind of missed out on a lot of things which makes a truly close relationship difficult (on the other hand (or maybe because of my upbringing) i find the very close relationship dh has with his mother/family rather claustrophobic)

novadandypowder Tue 19-Jul-05 16:19:44

Add me to the list of people not close to there mother. I moved to another city to get away from her. I have pretty much shut her out now that I am pregnant, so that i can be happy and create the family that i never had. I am close to my dad though, he is wonderful.

Nemo1977 Tue 19-Jul-05 16:22:36

not close to mine never have been and prob never will be. She is not even a good nan to my ds.
I am luck6y though as i have fantastic mil

LilMissScatterbrain Tue 19-Jul-05 16:30:41

I am so touched and saddened by the response to my thread. You all seem to be very strong and have found that learning from your mothers' mistakes and forming a very close bond with your children is the way to go. This is obviously what I must do and move on.

Chicagomum - I went to boarding school from an early age too so know exactly how you feel.

fqueenzebra Tue 19-Jul-05 17:27:03

My gran was like your mum, LScatterbrain, and maybe like me, which is to say, not very emotional.

Whereas my mother was a firecracker, very emotional, complete heart over head person. She was so disappointed in both of us for not being more affectionate, for not sharing all our feelings, for not being more concerned with everything to do with her.

So weirdly enough, I didn't get along with my mum but in an opposite situation from you.

I get along with my dad, we are both people who "like our space". Thankfully for me, so is dd. Plus... my grandmother was fed up with children by the time my mother was born; my mother was the 3rd unwanted child in the family.

joash Tue 19-Jul-05 17:49:02

Perhaps I should have added that regardless of my relationship with my mother, I am close to my DD1 (and hold out hope that DD2 will revert to her old self once she ditches her partner - I have no intention of giving up on her even though I don't like what she's doing), as well as my DS. I'm also very close to my MIL - she's great (now there's a remark that I don't seem to hear much) .

berolina Tue 19-Jul-05 19:35:08

I was never good or 'normal' enough for my mother and 5 years ago she rejected me completely.
She was always very controlling and could not handle my making different choices from the ones she would have liked me to make. She was extremely bullying towards me and would use threats and emorional blackmail.
I desperately miss having a mother but I no longer miss her.

Donbean Tue 19-Jul-05 19:42:15

I agree that it is much easier to be without a mother when all they bring is hurt, upset and anxiety.
Im just waiting for some one to reply with "you should respect your mother no matter what" and "it is apauling that you talk about your mothers like this". Believe it or not, this is what some people have said to me in the past. People who just dont get it.

chenin Tue 19-Jul-05 20:01:21

Donbean - I 'get' it! I know exactly what you are talking about - its only ppl who have been in this position can talk about it and know what every post on this thread means. There's always a sadness there that is brought to the fore when you have children of your own. You then start to question your own childhood.
But breaking the cycle is such an achievement and I am sure we can all be proud of that.

MeerkatsUnite Wed 20-Jul-05 07:19:56

Many years before I became a mother my Mum told me she would not look after any children I had as she had been there and done that with us and had no wish to do that again. She honestly feels that grandparents who actively look after their grandchildren are mad to do so.

LMS's mother is very much like my own (again she is quiet, uncomfortable with showing any form of affection and has no friends) from reading her description. Our relationship though never really close over the years appears now to be wider than ever. Their priorities nowadays in order are waiting on my single brother hand and foot (they clean his house for him twice a week), holidays and shopping.

No real room in their lives therefore for us as a family. Its their loss but it doesn't make it any easier to live with.

allgrownup Tue 26-Jul-05 18:19:14

felt very sad reading this but also strangely cheered that I am not only person who does not have loving relationship with mother. It hit me very hard when I had ds8 yrs ago as I was ill after his arrival, had awful abusive husband and no one to help- begged mother but she went and stayed with my brother on an extended holiday instead. when she got home she had a nervous breakdown which all family blamed me for for 'pressurising' her. I stupidly had another child with awful ex and stayed for 10yrs trying to do the right thing for the kids.
I am now very happily remarried and expecting dd any day now - mother just rang and told me that she is meeting up socially with my ex and his girlfriend while they have my kids - asked me breezily if I minded..............
transpires that my sister has also arranged a holiday with my ex and my children over the summer holidays.....mother threw this into converastion for good measure.
I went through hell getting the divorce and weathered every threat going from my ex.....my dh now is wonderful to me and lovely to the children - this family disloyalty to me is very upsetting and totally baffles my dh.
I don't want to see or talk to mother at all now.

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