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He won't say my name

(50 Posts)
BaggyAgy Mon 08-Mar-10 14:34:45

Hi, I have asked on a different thread but no one has picked up and replied. Maybe it wasn't relevant on that thread. My long term ex partner NEVER called me by my name or by any version of it. He would call me Darling even when it was through gritted teeth. He never wrote my name on any letter or card that he wrote to me. I gather that he did the same with his first wife . Why?

Fimbow Mon 08-Mar-10 14:37:27

Why worry if he's an ex?

ShowOfHands Mon 08-Mar-10 14:38:55

My dh never uses and never has used my name. We've been together 11yrs and are happy, affectionate and content. Do you mean it was part of a larger problem?

DH does have a nickname for me and uses it without thinking and we get some odd looks because it's just normal for me. In cards and letters from when we were dating, he never used my name at all, just a cursory 'hi' or 'wotcha'.

I used to tease him that he was worried about saying the wrong name, but he just doesn't use my name and it's not remarkable to me.

displayuntilbestbefore Mon 08-Mar-10 14:41:01

So if he wants to ask you something and you're out of his line of vision, how does he attract your attention? With an "Oi, you there!" ?

skidoodle Mon 08-Mar-10 14:42:00

My DH is a bit like this. He uses my name in public, but never if nobody else will hear/read.

I don't know why, or care particularly. Some issue he has I suppose...

ShowOfHands Mon 08-Mar-10 14:45:04

display, he says 'would you like a cup of tea' or 'where are my car keys' or 'let's go for a bike ride'.

If he shouts for me when I'm upstairs for example, he shouts out his nickname for me occasionally but usually just shouts whatever he wants.

Malificence Mon 08-Mar-10 14:48:02

My DH never uses my name, not to me anyway, he has a nickname for me that he has always used, an abbreviation of our surname and it's always been this way.
I don't think it's anything odd, I'd have to slap him silly if he ever called me "babe" or anything equally ridiculous though.

It would be thoroughly weird if he ever decided to adress me with my name actually.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives Mon 08-Mar-10 14:48:56

What about when he introduces you to someone? Surely he uses your name then?

ShowOfHands Mon 08-Mar-10 14:52:44

DH is crap at introducing me. Says 'this is my wife' and I have to say 'my name's x'. I went to meet some of his colleagues the other day (he's a copper) and he introduced me using my nickname that only he uses. I think he genuinely forgets I have a given name. He's used it a handful of times in 11 years and it makes me do a double take.

GypsyMoth Mon 08-Mar-10 14:53:03

its odd....how have you got so far with no use of your name?

what are you under in his phone??

ShowOfHands Mon 08-Mar-10 14:56:13

'the fish'

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives Mon 08-Mar-10 14:56:17

This would irritate me, tbh. A nickname is fine at home or with friends, but I would be most embarassed if DH introduced me to people as 'X'.

ShowOfHands Mon 08-Mar-10 15:00:49

It's just the way he is. There's nothing to irritate, it's a quirk, one that after many years I don't notice. He's a kind, funny, genuine, loving, thoughtful, generous, sensitive and brilliant man. The fact that he doesn't use my name is just that, a mere fact. His siblings also call me by a nickname now, they all call each other by nicknames (not the same nicknames though, what dh calls bil is not what sil calls bil iyswim), it is what it is. I didn't even realise until our wedding day when he had to say my name that I couldn't remember him ever saying it in the 6yrs previous to that day.

Malificence Mon 08-Mar-10 15:01:22

Mine uses my proper name when introducing me to people and even when talking to family, he only uses my "speshul" name when talking to me, or he sometimes calls me * moogy *.

GypsyMoth Mon 08-Mar-10 15:02:24

the fish??? lol,why?

ShowOfHands Mon 08-Mar-10 15:11:24

Because that's what he calls me. Actually, he calls me fish and the fish when referring to me. DD he calls littlefish.

It's weird isn't it? <shrug>

skidoodle Mon 08-Mar-10 15:22:05

ShowofHands snap, except I knocked the using his own name for me in public on the head some years ago. It's a lot sillier than the fish though. I probably would have been OK with being introduced as that.

This is something I give almost no thought to, but it is nice all the same to know other people have husbands with this quirk

ShowOfHands Mon 08-Mar-10 15:24:56

It just doesn't seem odd when it's normal (stupid sentence 101 course was money well spent obviously). Somebody asked the other day why he called me fish and he looked nonplussed for a few seconds and said 'it's her name'. Maybe he actually thinks that's my name. Key question is why.

MaggieGreen Mon 08-Mar-10 15:25:40

My x used to get annoyed when I used his name. He used to say nothing good was about to come out of my mouth. I could have said the same though. Whenever he said my name it was to give out to me.

Before I left my x, I was asking my daughter's school friend was her mum's name was and the child said Kerry or KerryLove. I felt so sad!

SawneyBeane Mon 08-Mar-10 15:27:33

I can't work out why, but that seems really rather sweet, SOH.

Made me smile, particularly the 'littlefish'.

ShowOfHands Mon 08-Mar-10 15:32:19

I like it too SawneyBeane (great name!). Other people call me by my given name, only DH calls me fish. And SIL but she elongates it and calls me 'feeeeeeeesh' which makes smile. She was 10 when I met dh and found him calling me fish hilarious and started intoning 'yo feeeeeesh' whenever she saw me and it stuck. His family are odd though.

stradivarious Mon 08-Mar-10 15:34:37

Same here. DH never addresses me by name, proper name or nickname, just zero address. I find it very hurtful actually as I use pet names for him. After so many years he wont change now. Stangely he call most other people by thier names.

ShowOfHands Mon 08-Mar-10 15:40:08

stradivarious, it seems from this thread it's fairly normal. DH only gave me a nickname a while after meeting and his default setting is still to not use a name at all.

Drusilla Mon 08-Mar-10 15:45:27

I know several men like this, although they all seem to be the older generation. I have never heard my Dad call my Mother by her name - he refers to her as "my wife" when talking to friends or "your mother" when talking to me and my sister!

Malificence Mon 08-Mar-10 15:47:07

People are reading way too much into this nickname stuff - I call DH Gitface all the time, doesn't mean I hate him, I quite like him actually grin.

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