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Please help me through this - living apart in the same house as H

(63 Posts)
ChairmumMiaow Mon 22-Feb-10 08:48:58

Long story here, but things have been rough between H and I for a while. I thought it was normal post-kids stuff and that we'd work it out. We both had bad and good days but I thought we were still having good days.

Things got worse, on and off, in the last 6 months, but despite that, I got pregnant (I really thought things would get better, and that they were on the mend at the time). I feel like a right fool for thinking that.

H and I are both in therapy at the moment (although mine is online for the moment, I know I have to find a face to face one because its not going so well for me) and since then he has completely closed off. I have been trying to spend quality time together, arranging childcare, trying to snuggle up on the sofa and generally doing the things you do to try to fix a marriage. He reacted by sometimes cuddling back up and pretending everything was right (he has admitted that sometimes he felt like it and thought we'd work things out) and at others, completely blocking me out.

Its been driving me mad and I've pushed him and he finally admitted at the weekend that he just doesn't feel any love for me any more. I know that lots of my feelings for him have gone, but deep down I felt like there was still enough there to sort it out. I'm glad it has finally come out, but it is hard to deal with.

We've agreed on separate bedrooms, but him staying in the house - for lots of reasons. Neither of us want to upset DS at the moment (DH spent some time working away before Xmas and DS reacted really badly to this), and we know I will need help with the new baby come june. Aside from all this, we both feel that there is a chance that things will change. We're both certainly hoping for it. He's been ignoring issues with his family his whole life, and I think having his own kids has changed him and forced him to face up to things. He says he feels empty at the moment, but very guilty about what he has done and is doing but he can't help how he feels.

I know I've never been the easiest wife, and things have changed since we had DS, but I think I'm still basically the same person I have always been, so it is hard to see where everything went quite so wrong (maybe I'm kidding myself)

Everyone thinks we will make it but I don't know any more.

What I need though, is to get through the next year. The baby and the counselling are both going to change things and I figure we'll know one way or the other about things then, and I'll find it easier with the children.

We've made an agreement about what is going to happen in the meantime (which means no other people for a start) and my plan is to try to sort my life and my routine out so I feel more able to cope on my own if he finally goes. I'm just so used to us being a team - we've been together since I was 18 and our whole lives have developed with us relying on each other for what we're not so good at.

So can you help me get started? Today I have got up and dressed and put some makeup on (which I never do) and feel a bit better.

I still feel sick inside and am not eating well, which I think is what is making me feel weak and shivery. I need to make myself eat - for myself, and the baby, and to keep up with my toddler. So far today I have had a home made smoothie.

So any practical things (if you've managed to get through this essay)? Anything I can do to make myself feel that I can do this on my own in the long run? I need to bolster my confidence somehow!

clam Mon 22-Feb-10 08:55:07

I read your other thread at the weekend and I must say I think you're coping amazingly well. Very practical and organised.

Sorry, don't know what else to offer at the moment, but didn't want to ignore the post.

Good luck.

ChairmumMiaow Mon 22-Feb-10 09:23:18

Thanks. I went through a very bad phase when I was a teenager, and basically made a huge cockup of my life as it was then. Since then I have tried to do rather than stop, and with a 2yo DS I can't just stop.

I know it will (and already does) hit me at times and I will dissolve, but I am determined not to let H think I am going to fall apart.

GypsyMoth Mon 22-Feb-10 09:28:26

so you've sorted separate other thread also

how about finances? how will all that work?

ChairmumMiaow Mon 22-Feb-10 09:37:48

Financially we're carrying on as we have for the moment, but this week I'm going to sort out getting new cards/pins for my own accounts (I am supposed to use them for my business but it is almost entirely cash so I will make use of them) and get my own wages (well income from our business) paid into there instead (it is payroll week anyway thankfully).

We have separate investment and cash ISAs and I will add an instant access account too.

I will pay for expenses for household stuff and provide dinners all week out of that. I think I will leave him to fend for himself for the one day at the weekend when he is going to have DS to himself. I am going to get out and go to the cinema or something nice - just get away really.

We have a budget which is already agreed (although I don't always stick to it) and I have increased my 'pocket money' stuff and will add some travel money (I don't drive) and make sure that our joint savings are split between the accounts.

I don't think we will argue about money unless I go nuts about it (which is really really tempting as I want to cheer myself up!) At least not for the moment anyway as he feels very guilty and didn't bat an eyelid at the TV I had for my room yesterday, and the new maternity clothes (desperately needed though)

I've been thinking about these things for a while - it has been my way of helping myself try to come to terms with how I will cope, but I am sure some things will change.

GypsyMoth Mon 22-Feb-10 10:30:35

sounds like you have it the way you want it. which is good

baby preparations?
telling family?

ChairmumMiaow Mon 22-Feb-10 10:40:06

Not much has to change really, so I think this suits both of us for the moment.

His parents were separated though, and he knows how important it is that his children have their mummy to look after them, and resents the relationship he had with his useless father, so he is very worried about keeping things comfortable for us, so long as he has enough (and he doesn't need much)

there's not much to do for the baby. We'd already agreed what we were going to buy (new car seat/base and a bedside cot) and the baby was always coming in my bed, so no change there. It'll be some time before I'm considering another room for it.

As for my family, I don't speak to mine, so no problem there. I've told the only person we can consider family (my brother's ex-wife) and H only sees his family every couple of months, and he won't want to announce this. I don't think he wants to talk to them much as his therapy seems to be all about his childhood at the moment and he's finding it hard. It will be hard with acquaintances, but friends know things haven't been great so although it will be a shock, I will get support. I don't know where his support will come from though, which is sad, but I can't make that my issue.

Hi there
Sorry to hear you are going through this, I am also separated from P but living in the same house for now. You sound like you're doing really well. My advice would be to just each day as it comes as some days will be better than others, it is really tough but you WILL get through it.
There are always lots of us on here if you need to vent grin
Take care x

ChairmumMiaow Mon 22-Feb-10 14:48:38

Thanks. I really need to vent. A lot. I keep posting as it feels better than just thinking things. Getting them out stops them going round and round so much.

ChairmumMiaow Mon 22-Feb-10 20:05:18

arggh. I keep having horrible thoughts that make me want to burst into tears.


what if I never have anyone to cuddle me ever again?

even if we are good co-parents, DS might never have a proper family xmas again - and next year he'll actually be old enough to understand about presents and stuff

What the hell am I going to do in the middle of the night on my own with a small baby and a big toddler?

Arggh. He's not gone, and we're being very polite and friendly, and most of the time I'm ok, but then another minute it all changes and I'm ready to crumple, but I've got to hold it together for DS.

deep breaths, deep breaths.

toobusytoobusy Mon 22-Feb-10 21:39:28

You sound to me like you are doing so well, you have a lot to deal with which would be hard for anyone, and add to that a pregnancy, well, that's so much to cope with. A few thoughts spring to mind.... we have never had an easy marriage if I'm totally honest but we have always been at our best with a newborn in the house. It seems to bring out the love in us! How were you as a couple when your son was born? I think the fact that you are being amicable is so good, and a promising sign if you think that deep down all is not lost.

We too have decided to live separately and I too cannot cope with the thought of never cuddling anyone for a long time, although I don't have a massively high sex drive I don't like the thought of not being close to someone physically either. If it helps you any, my brother divorced when my nephew was very young, and his parents are very amicable, they still share important family occassions and my nephew is a very well adjusted young man now. I have to say that I think it is because his parents have been so amicable in his upbringing and it sounds like your H is being very understanding about you and his children, so still a positive thing really.

Sorry to not be more helpful, it's hard but you sound like you are coping so well, I'd be a complete hormonal wreck if it was me!!! Take care x

ChairmumMiaow Tue 23-Feb-10 08:21:20

I think perhaps I'm in denial and things will come crashing down soon.

The reality of the (likely) situation of us going our separate ways permanently keeps hitting me in all those little ways.

The Xmas thing is so hard because I do not see my family (and believe me, re-establishing contact with them would not be a good thing for me) and everyone else is going to be doing their own thing for a lot of the time. I'm picturing a life of holidays spent uncomfortably with H for the DCs sake, all the while imagining a whole load of could and should have beens.

I keep thinking about birthdays - about DS waking up without his daddy there. The next DC might find it easier, but DS is so very attached to his daddy and will be devastated when he can't see him every day.

It would just be so much easier if the love had gone on my side too, but although things aren't good for me, deep down there's still something there, and that hurts so much. If it was just the fears for the future, for the practical stuff, I could deal with that as I have been. The hard stuff is the way I just want to hold his hand. To make sure he's ok, to give him a cuddle and not just for myself. But I know I can't do those things any more.

ChairmumMiaow Tue 23-Feb-10 13:25:38

Just burst into tears on the way home from dropping DS at nursery. Didn't help that he didn't want to go.

H was over an hour late getting to work after his counselling appointment this morning, and when I realised this I wondered what the hell he was doing, and before I realised he'd got there, was having visions of him having been knocked down by a bus, legged it or thrown himself off a bridge.

It hasn't even been 3 days yet and its so hard, and although my friend came round today, I just couldn't bring myself to bring up the subject. I really really want my husband back, but if I can't have that I just want him to fuck off so I never have to see him again, so I can maybe start hating him and at least not have a constant reminder of what I can't have (even though it hasn't been making me happy in a while). But he's not just going to bugger off. He feels too guilty and loves his DS too much.

I'm trying not to let him see how bad I feel, which means trying to escape from him all the time and crying when he's not around (Which can't be good for DS)

I just need somewhere to let all this out before it explodes inside me.

ChairmumMiaow Tue 23-Feb-10 19:26:47

Its very odd. I've been in a complete state all afternoon, crying and writing an email to my counsellor about this all, then when I pick DS up I manage to turn it to anger. Now I am furious at H and want him to just bugger off.

Mood swings indeed sad

Hi there Chairmum, reading through what you've said it sounds pretty horrible for you at the moment. How has the evening been?

thumbwitch Wed 24-Feb-10 00:15:48

you poor love, what a horrible situation for you. I haven't much useful experience (didn't have DC at the time) but when my ex-fiancé buggered off some years ago, the one thing I made myself do every day (after the first few days of utter shock) was to smile at myself in the mirror every morning - it helps to see a smiley face in the mirror instead of a miserable one. Someone told me that there are serotonin trigger points at the widest corners of your smile as well, so a big smile gives you a shot of serotonin (I don't care whether or not this is true, it helped)

What happens if you try to give your H a cuddle or hold his hand? Does he back off or freeze up? If not, then I'd do it anyway, tbh.

ChairmumMiaow Wed 24-Feb-10 05:05:08

The evenings are ok. It's like I shut down for DS's sake. He doesn't need to see what is going on, adn I try to avoid H as much as I can.

Thumbwitch - before he admitted he didn't love me any more he was not very responsive but didn't really shrug me off. However I don't see how I can make those sorts of advances when he doesn't know what he wants. Strong emotions seem to make him worse and I'm very sensitive about rejection at the moment. I want to back off an give him space to work through things at counselling without pressure, and I don't want to encourage him to lie to me to make me feel better because he feels guilty - it was what he had been trying to do until I pushed him into admitting how he really felt. He had said he hadn't wanted to have the conversation until after te baby was older. This is hard, but the thought of finding ou he had lied for so long is worse.

I've been lying here, awake since 4, wanting to just get up and climb into bed with him for a cuddle :-(. Toddler cuddles are lovely but it's just not the same :-(

thumbwitch Wed 24-Feb-10 12:55:51

I understand what you mean. As another thought - do you think that you will continue to be friends with your H regardless of how things turn out (assuming that no one else is involved)? Does he still care about you as a person, like you as a friend, even though he doesn't love you as a wife any more?

See, friends are good for hugs too - and if he (and you) can see that hugs are not pressure, just reassurance that you are both caring humans, it might benefit you both.

On the other hand, if hugs are too "loaded" emotionally, then best off getting a large pillow/teddy. Not the same, I know, but still something to squeeze (and/or punch later)

Giving him space to work his feelings out is very good of you, and not showing strong emotions because it makes him feel bad is part of that - but just be wary of being too closed off because he might assume that you're not that bothered - I'm sure he's fully aware that you're well upset but do make it crystal clear to him that splitting up is not what you want.

Have a ((hug)) anyway - I know it won't help much but I do also know what you mean about needing one.

ChairmumMiaow Wed 24-Feb-10 17:32:52

he's told me before that he can't cuddle without wanting sex, so that's really out of the question. I don't understand how he can not love me and still want sex, but there you are.

He's now mentioned moving to london to get another job which is utterly devastating because he would be giving up on his kids. There is a job going there that he wants but it would be so bad for DS particularly, and he'd never really get to know the next one. He thinks it would make things easier for me.

I have tried talking to him online but it is making me feel more and more hopeless about the situation, as he keeps coming out with more stuff that makes me feel worthless.

Why did I trust that a man would love me and stick by me? He says that he hasn't had any motivation to try to fix things with me. That it didn't seem worth it. I'm clinging to the idea that he's having some sort of midlife crisis, but I think I'm kidding myself and he just can't love me any more.

ChairmumMiaow Wed 24-Feb-10 18:45:57

Feeling desperate tonight. And very sick.


ChairmumMiaow Wed 24-Feb-10 20:59:38

One last self- pitying bump before I lay in bed trying ho sleep...

GoddessInTheKitchen Wed 24-Feb-10 21:12:38

hi, just read your thread, does he know how much you want things to work?

ChairmumMiaow Wed 24-Feb-10 21:19:04

I've told him, but he keeps telling me that he is sure he doesn't love me. Its like he's saying "so what am I supposed to do about it?".

I'm exhausted but I can't even think about sleeping

The possible move to london has knocked me right down again too. I thought that whatever else would happen he would still be parenting with me, but he can't do that from London (we're in the midlands)

MiniMousse Wed 24-Feb-10 22:21:44

Hello Chairmum
I have no real advice for your current situation apart from hang in there till the baby's born. I split from exp shortly before I found out I was pg and went through the whole pg alone (first baby) and found dealing with the split/his behaviour and on/off ness much harder to deal with when pg. After the baby was born my hormones sort of levelled out and I can't say it was plain sailing, but I had less of that immense urge to be CLOSE to him like I had when I was pg. I am sure your pregnancy hormones in some way make you want to be in close proximity to the father of your child (no scientific basis but just my experience!!).
Whatever happens I think you need to concentrate on YOU right now - be a bit selfish, let him deal with your anger a bit rather than bottling it all up - (NB: why do you feel that you've got to not get angry or let it out? Are you worried that if you lose your rag he'll walk out?). Do you have any good friends you could confide in? Have you thought about contacting homestart or your local sure start or your health visitor to see if you can get some help with your toddler so that you can have a bit of a rest each week?

ChairmumMiaow Wed 24-Feb-10 22:32:46

Thanks for reading.

Re the anger, I feel like I can't let it out because he just closes up in teh face of it and I often feel worse afterwards. I have been trying to talk to him online today (because of a comment he made about moving away) and I have made a bad day worse. I also feel like I have to try to take a step back to let him deal with his counselling stuff. Perhaps I'm being too kind but I WANT him to get better, I really really want it!

I have some friends I am talking to, but I can't go into too much detail when I am out as I just sob and sob. SIL came round today when I sent a desperate text and I had a good cry on her, but I feel so needy at the moment and although that sort of thing helps, all the feelings are still here when she's gone.

I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow - I can't put it off any longer and I need some help and to get a counselling referral in the works. I'm not dealing well with DS and he is so young for all of this.

I get a break sometimes. DS goes to nursery 3 times a week (3 hour sessions) and on two of them I am supposed to work (for our business!) and on the other I do email counselling. So at least I can just sit on my bottom. Today was the first day since it happened that I have had him all day and not had a chance for a good cry, which is one of the reasons I think I have struggled.

Every response on here helps - any chance to get things out just eases the pressure inside just a tiny bit, so thankyou

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