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Sister a real worry

(20 Posts)
CHOCOLATEPEANUT Wed 13-Jul-05 21:23:52

I am really worried about my sister. Shes always been a bit of a flake and doesnt stick up for herself.She has two girls aged 3 and 6.
Her hubby is a complete tw@t. He left her before xmas for another woman. During this time he turned hi back on his kids emotionally and financially.Dad and I had to lend her money. She was suicidal.He would come back saying hes had a change of heart, have sex with her then get up and say I am going to work (he has own business and works odd hours) and go back to mistress,texting sister 'changed mind'(again)He did this three times once in a week.I could go on and on. He really is horrible.He said sister would get nothing from him and she would be desitute, She eventually started divorce proceedings.When he saw what it would cost him he came back and has been back three months.He is ruled by one thing, MONEY.My sister is in terrible debt and does not know where to turn. I have tried to advise her. She now tells me that he is giving her enough cash at the end of the year to settle her debts and for them to be in clover. I know this is a lie.His business partner told us that he does not have financial control and as the business is new no money will be coming out of the business yet (brother-in-law wants to spend,spend,spend and partner has the reigns)
Matters worse as the girls are showing signs of not being happy.We argue all the time as dad and i refuse to acknowledge him and will not go to her house.The last few months have been v v bad.I was under a lot of stress, sister started to blackmail me saying could not see girls if did not make up. I lost baby at 6 mths pregnant (just died suddenly) I am angry about this and am nowing trying to concieve and dont need any more hastle.HELP

Tortington Wed 13-Jul-05 21:36:36

i would sack your sister - sometimes even family just arn't worth it

moondog Wed 13-Jul-05 21:43:44

Peanut...sounds like you are having a hell of a time. Not sure what to say but just want you to know we are reading and listening.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT Wed 13-Jul-05 22:07:50

Hard to sack, did try and she said i would not see the kids. I ADORE them

Since mum died have to hang on to my family just dad and sister.But sometimes can be v v hard to tolerate them (sis not dad, hes great)

xx

Tortington Thu 14-Jul-05 00:43:10

i wouldnt be blackmailed. i don't underestimate the value of family but even close relatives have to realise they can't just treat you any way they like.

micha26 Thu 14-Jul-05 00:46:55

Exactly, how much more do you want to suffer? I think, you went through enough. Get yourself out of this - NOW

KiwiKate Thu 14-Jul-05 01:50:45

There is a saying "you teach people how to treat you". If you accept her blackmail then you are teaching her it is ok.

Why not be upfront about it and tell her that you love her and adore the kids, but can't handle her husband and would hate to have a breakdown in the relationship, but that the ball is in her court? Also, it sounds like she leans on you a lot for support, why not reach out and lean on her for support over your miscarraige? (Sorry to hear of this). She might be more understanding (and less focussed on herself) if you open up about your pain.

You describe her as a flake, but what are you if you allow her to treat you so badly? As much as I believe that family relationships are very important (my dad passed away recently ...) you have to look after yourself. You don't need anymore stress!

CHOCOLATEPEANUT Thu 14-Jul-05 07:45:59

I have told her how i feel.I got a lot of my chest sometime ago. Basically I have always been v involved with her girls, taking them out and spending time with them. Since my daughter was born 20 mths ago she has shown little interest.She did offer to look after her when I returned to work part time last year and i was going to pay her the going rate. She only did it one day, said she could not cope and basically dropped me in it. I had to run around trying to get a nursery at the last minute.When i told her a few weeks ago that recent events had made me see her for what she is, manipulative,selfish and lazy she said i was hard and without emotion!
The girls know there is a situation. I was banned from my eldest nieces birthday party as he was there and i am not speaking to him. Was told make up or stay away. I was v upset as i have never missed one (he has) and my daughter missed it too. Dad and I are taking them all out for the day this weekend to make up for it.When i take them out (at least once a week) they never want to go home.They always want to come home with me.On the drive home they are v quiet.I told sister this and she said i was making it up as i would do anything to cause trouble.Dad,hubby and i are taking them away for a fortnight abroad later in the year and they are going for a second honeymoon. Basically when it suits her shes happy to let me spend time with them but i will see them whatever,i love them both SOOOO much.I am trying not to dwell on it and this really helps so BIG THANKS for listening.
I have told her that next pregnancy (lets hope its soon)i want no stress.
When i had to go in hosp to deliver already dead baby i felt so let down by her that i took friend in with me rather than her (my husband there too)and she is not happy about that either!!!
selfish to the core

KiwiKate Thu 14-Jul-05 11:27:25

Sounds like you need a bit of distance from her.

You can't do anything about how she raises her kids. I know you love them and want the best for them, but you are stressing over something you can't control.

Hopefully in time you'll be able to heal your relationship. Personally, I'd pray a lot for her (if you believe in that). People who hurt others are generally hurting themselves. It is no excuse, of course, but can help you to try and understand.

But again, if you don't want to be manipulated (and you definately don't), then don't let her do it, even if it means more distance between you. If you put up with it and keep allowing it, then she'll keep doing it.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT Thu 14-Jul-05 13:59:23

Thanks KiwiKate.Yes I do pray, and shes on my list..

Problem is I might not like her v much,but I do love her.
x

Mysisteristhesame Thu 14-Jul-05 14:10:38

I can really empathise with you chocolatepeanut. My relationship with my sister has always been give, give, give and I have never got anything back. She has been out with loads of men, most of which have been complete losers and have been horrible to her. I was always there to pick up the pieces when things went wrong and helped her to get back on her feet financially and emotionally. As soon as she was back to normal, she'd go for another bad apple. The same thing again and sometimes she'd even attempt suicide.

My dh couldn't stand the way she used me and when I got pregnant, he said I should cut off ties with her completely. I did and it's been the best thing ever. I have realised that she is a totally selfish person who is not interested in finding out about how I am. Called me once since my dd was born 5 months ago and didn't offer any help if the first few weeks. Had the situation been reversed, I would have done whatever I could have to help.

The moral of my story is - if she's not going to sort out her problems and they cause you stress - get rid of her!!

CHOCOLATEPEANUT Thu 14-Jul-05 14:18:03

I know,but we lost our mum 6 years ago and I know she would want us to be ok so I try.I have defo got better at dealing with her.Its just that he lies to her and I know she is heading for more heartache.I guess she has to find out the hard way and when it happens I have to take a back seat,maybe then she will learn
x

Listmaker Thu 14-Jul-05 14:25:52

I'm afraid when it comes to her dh you will have to let it run its course as she's clearly not ready (if she ever will be) to see him for what he is. I would maintain the basic contact so you can see your nieces, try to bite your tongue and not interfere and just be there for her when she does see the light. Just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to like them. Just try and keep an emotional distance for the sake of your own little family that will hopefully be added to soon (good luck with that and so sorry to hear about you losing the baby before).

Mysisteristhesame Thu 14-Jul-05 14:41:50

Sorry if my last message sounds harsh and I can totally understand that your sister needs you. At some point though, you need to put yourself and your health first.

I do believe my sister began to sort her life out when my dad and I stopped bailing her out. She didn't feel the need to do anything about her situation when she knew that we were there to pick up the pieces. My sister did not have children though so I probably would not have cut off contact if I had to take them into consideration.

I hope she does realise herself that this man is no good and she is better off without him. She needs to get rid of him once and for all.

Mysisteristhesame Thu 14-Jul-05 14:42:44

By the way, so sorry about your mum and baby. xxxx

CHOCOLATEPEANUT Thu 14-Jul-05 19:23:53

Thanks for all kind words.Its listening to you all which makes me think the world really is a nice place.

xx

KiwiKate Fri 15-Jul-05 08:21:43

Chocolatepeanut - you can take heart from the fact that it hurts so much. This means that you really do love your sister, and it means that you are a really caring person. I think your mum would be proud of that!

As MSTS says, sometimes people only start coping on their own when they have to (when you step back). I have a brother who is a bit the same way. He has a much better relationship with our whole family now that everyone has stopped commenting on his dreadful choices in his personal life (man, has he been out with some psychos! One even threatened to kill him with an axe while he slept, and he still stayed with her for ages after that. The scary thing is that I thought she really would do it). He now appreciates the fact that while we don't agree with his choices, we respect that they are HIS choices. If he asks for advice, we give it and then its up to him to take it or not (no nagging or ongoing comment from us). And if he does not ask for advice, we don't give it anymore.

Take care. I'll keep you and your sister in my prayers! God can work miracles with relationships, even if we can't. One thing that we can do to ruin things is to push an issue too much.

Oh, and one last thing - the way you deal with your sister now is obviously not working for you, so you have nothing to loose (and potentially a lot to gain) by changing your approach. Just a thought.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT Fri 15-Jul-05 21:04:48

Thanks Kate,wise words.
x

allgrownup Tue 26-Jul-05 21:45:54

Hi chocolate peanut,
you have been put through absolute hell through no fault of your own and it sounds as if your sister has not been there for you at all. She is fantastically lucky that you care so much about her and her children, but I have to agree with everyone who sugggests you put some distance between you.......just for your own health and well being. Wish you all the luck in the world with having another baby.
I'm sure you can let your nieces know you love them in all sorts of ways without compromising yourself ...... your sister knows her husband is a worthless fill in the blanks and trying to make you collude in her crap relationship is just her way of pretending it will be ok.
I would try backing off completely and waiting for the inevitable to happen , at which point you can remind her that you've always been there for her and are still.
You should also let her know how much pain you have had to deal with yourself and just tell her that you need to take care of yourself for a bit.
I'm sure it will all come right - you just don't need the anguish after what you've been through.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT Wed 03-Aug-05 20:37:20

Thanks allgrownup

Things have been better.Cracks are starting to appear in sisters 'perfect marriage' and shes opening up a bit. I think that she knows i am there for her but is now under no illusion that i will not put up with any more cr*p

I see the girls all the time and the oldest one has it all sussed (even though nothing is discussed in front of her).When they come to play with my daughter or we have a day out,they never want to go home.This breaks my heart.I just want them always to know that I am there for them and I hope they see that.

x

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