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I don't want sex

(14 Posts)
kissalot Mon 11-Jul-05 13:47:14

Have been with DP for seven years and we ahve been having lots of relationship difficulties for the past year (won't go into it but lots of rows, tears from me etc) Had even considered splitting up but are continuing to try as he says he still loves me (though I fee like he dosn't) and for the sake of our two children. However now things are a bit better btween us he keeps wanting sex. I had gone off it after the birth of our youngest two years ago, then our arguments started and I simply didn't want to do it with him as at the time I didn't feel close to him atall. I now feel like I am still trying to get over the trauma of all the nasty agruments/nearly seperating stuff and I am being much more affectionate towars him. But when I give him a cuddle or a kiss he moves straight in for more and it just puts me off. I have said just give me time as its an emotional thing but I can understand hes getting pissed off going without it (sex happens very rarely now) but I still feel stung by evrything that has happened between us. Now the sex thing is becoming a big issue and it just seem there is always something going on to cause more trouble between us. I just need more time but he's starting to get the real hump about it all.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanx

Listmaker Mon 11-Jul-05 14:09:58

Hi kissalot - haven't really been through this (although I totally went off sex with my exp because he was a completely selfish twat! but we never got back into it and split up instead so you don't want to hear that ) but I wanted to answer so you don't feel ignored.

I guess it's that old age issue of women needing to be emotionally right to enjoy sex and as you say you are still recovering from what you have been through. You may just have to spell it out for him - get him to just have cuddles without it having to lead to something else. How about spending one evening a week together on a 'date' type thing or eating a nice meal together at home, no TV etc. Make him woo you again! Or make some rules about what you do in bed - touching only and nowhere sexual as such and take it one step at a time?

Sorry these are probably crap suggestions - hope someone comes along soon with good advice!

NoLibido Mon 11-Jul-05 14:26:34

Sorry. I had to change my name for this as I don't want people knowing this about me.

I am in a similar situation to you. Dh and I have not had relationship difficulties as such, but I have never been keen on sex and I am in the same situation as you in that sex very rarely happens, dh is always trying to get it, I am always refusing, and little cuddles always turn into something more which puts me off cuddling in the first place. We have sex so rarely that when we do do it, it often goes wrong. He is my first sexual partner and I am his. We are probably as good at sex as a couple of teenagers behind the bike shed. All this just makes me want it even less.

I don't know what the answer is for you or me but I will tell you what I try to do to make it better. I try to have sex whenever I feel the tiniest little bit of desire. I keep telling myself that I should do it even when I feel no desire at all. The reason for this is, that when we do have sex, our relationship is so much happier. Dh smiles and relaxes and stops pestering me all the time. I feel good about myself too because I know I have given him what he wants. I just feel, if only I could do this more often, we would get into a sort of habit with it and it would start to feel natural.

I know your situation is a bit different to mine and I feel that I have gone on about myself here but seeing your post opened the flood gates for me. I think you should tell your dh you still need to go slowly with your physical relationship. If you are going to deny him full sex, could you agree to give him something else instead? My dh thought I did not love him because I wouldn't cuddle him but then I explained I didn't cuddle him because he always tried to take it further and then he understood more. Now he tries to let me cuddle without groping me all the time. You need to work out a similar arrangement with your dh. But at the same time, consider giving him sex even though it is not fully what you want to do. I think a relationship has to be about give and take and maybe that is where you need to give a bit right now.

Do you think this relationship difficulty is down to the pressure of raising your children or is it more than that?

spidermama Mon 11-Jul-05 14:30:12

Relate do sex counselling for couples. I don't know anyone who has had it so can't vouch for it but they're a well respected organisation so it might be worth a go.

kissalot Mon 11-Jul-05 14:31:29

I would like to go away for the weekend or like you say have a 'date' but it seems to make me feel even more under pressure coz I know hes expecting something at the end of it. I really feel like I'll never ever want to do 'it' again!!! What a mess, its like things can never be the same between us....thanks for answering though listmaker.

robinia Mon 11-Jul-05 14:33:09

Could you have a schedule? ie. sex on a Saturday after 9pm, or every 3rd Friday in the month, or just fix some dates in your diaries. Then you both know when to expect it - you can psyche yourself up a bit and dp will know what the limits are so you can have some unpressurised affection. He's not allowed to "overstep" the agreement at any time and you're not allowed to refuse on the appointed day unless really unwell.

kissalot Mon 11-Jul-05 14:37:34

Thanks nolibido, maybe I have just got to make the HUGE effort and have sex with him now and then. Our relationship pressures were over an issue to do with my family initially (don't want to go into details) but as a result I now feel distanced from my family due to this. I am beginning to worry that all the resentment this has caused me towards him is never going to go away. Sometimes I feel like although things are better between us we will never get over it??? Sorry, rambling off now on to all sorts of subjects (though suppose they are all related)

lousH Mon 11-Jul-05 15:20:38

sorry to butt in, but as a bloke I feel I can put some husband perspective on this.

Personally I would be mortified if I thought my wife was having sex with me just to keep me happy.
Also everybody has the right to say no.

We have been together 17 years now and we had a bad patch when I was the one who didn't want to know.
Those feelings of pressure make the whole thing turn into arguements more often than not, and will just fuel resentment.

When you get out of the habit it also brings so much more pressure when attempted, as though it has to now be perfect rather than real life.

Trying to make it a certain time of the week negates all chance of spontaneousness, something that is crucial to keep the fun.

I can well imagine if you aren't honest with Hub then all kind of things could go through his head, making him more desperate to turn cuddles into sex, just to aleaviate those thoughts- Result more pressure.

So I think you have to get to know eachother again, get to laugh get, to cuddle, and sort out those other niggles first.

The sex will follow in time.

HappyDaddy Mon 11-Jul-05 17:40:02

Why should you have sex when you don't want to? You need to rebuild the love and trust before you can get back into sex.

Lizita Tue 12-Jul-05 00:14:51

I was so close to posting a similar thread, though my situation is a bit different, my boyfriend & I are in the same boat re feeling pressure to do it therefore just turning us off. So I've got no advice to help you, but I think being completely honest with each other about how you feel about the whole thing ought to help. I spent a while feeling paranoid that my boyfriend no longer found me attractive cos he WASN'T pressurizing me or jumping on me but after talking to him found out he was just as paranoid as i was. Maybe he would understand better than you think if you explain how you're feeling, and that in itself will help you relax. Also, I think deciding NOT to have sex would help, cos that would get the ball rolling without the pressure to HAVE sex. Sorry not very helpful.

Tortington Tue 12-Jul-05 00:54:50

you have to tell him. we are different animals, although men know women like the mushy stuff - if they can get away with a quick fumble and a f*ck they will - then its ahhhhhhhhh all bisto and your left wishing you hadn't bothered.

you need to say this " look luv, i need cuddles with no breasticle touching. i need kisses with no tongues, i want flowers fairly regularly and the odd sentiment like a card or a nice note in the morning wouldnt go amiss. i want breakfast in bed, i want you to look after the kids, i wouls like you to cook me a nice meal. when i am suitably brainf*cked i may consider having sex with you. i will not put up with whinging, moaning, or nagging. you will not use nice things you have done as a bargaining tool against me. i am not a prostitute i wont f*ck you for a bunch of flowers and breakfast in bed. i need to feel like i am loved truly. when i do i will have sex. if you can't be bothered with the above am off to ann summers and you my dear can mow the lawn"

Lizita Tue 12-Jul-05 00:58:52

wow that's harsh custardo! Will vouch for my boyfriend he's NOT like that!

lynnej Tue 12-Jul-05 13:23:15

Oh custardo that was brilliant and so true!!! My dp is very loving when we are at it but the rest of the time nah nah!!! He is never openly affectionate, never kisses me just for the sake of it and especially not in front of others although if I go to him he doesn't push me away or anything like that, he just NEVER EVER makes the first move. His mum complains his Dad is the same so it must be something in the genes, but I think men just haven't a clue when it comes to affection.

Although saying that my 3 year old ds is a very loving and affectionate little boy, I hope this stays with him although it probably won't!!!!!

MABS Tue 12-Jul-05 18:26:53

another very eloquent post from Custy, fab my dear!!! (BTW are you married to my husband too?)

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