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Problem with friends

(21 Posts)
TinyGang Fri 08-Jul-05 16:24:01

Ok here's the problem.

I have 2 friends. Friend 1 known for ages, done loads of social stuff together. Friend 2 known a little less, but still for some years since I had ds. I would class them both as quite close friends.

Neither knew each other originally but have themselves become friends over the last year(ish)through me and also since they happened to find themselves occasionally working in the same place.

It's now all dinner parties, get together's and 'in' jokes (I'm not invited) with yet another fairly good mutual friend 3. Sometimes this is sheepishly mentioned to me, so not sure if they are deliberatly trying to play it down for my benefit or not. I certainly do know they see a fair bit of each other now though because we all live nearby and interact with the same people; so hard not to notice.

Dh and I are now clearly and suddenly very much on the edge of this inner santum of friendship. Our company is occasionally called upon now for general stuff ie the odd birthday or whatever to make up the numbers, or if childcare/babysitting is required from me. That's now it.

Two or three years ago this was not the case - they were just two separate couples (well 3 if you include the other couple, also well known to us) whom we saw socially, but separately.

I shouldn't care - it's damn childish I know, and petty too! I feel quite about how much it seems to be bothering me tbh, but I would not treat my friends this way, not in a million years. Please, do tell me to get a life and not to care or be jealous - or do you think you might feel the same? I suppose my feelings are hurt - I can get a bit sensitive about this kind of thing and have quite high expecatations from my friends. I do not wish to control who becomes friends with whom, that would be ridiculous - it's not about that - and at first I was very pleased to think they'd become friendly, but why on earth treat me like this?

There have been no fallings out or any reason that I can see why we are being so blatantly excluded. And it is blatant because they cannot possibly think I don't notice this is happening.

Feeling very angry and quite anti the lot of them atm.It's got to the stage now that I don't want to join in even when we are asked occasionally to the more general stuff.

I handle it by just glossing over it when the subject comes up, but inside I feel very differently. Sorry for droning on!

WideWebWitch Fri 08-Jul-05 16:26:28

I'd be pissed off too and would probably end up getting pissed at the next event I was invited to and asking wtf is going on. But it's not a course of action I'd recommend! Sorry, that's probably not very helpful but I do sympathise.

Janh Fri 08-Jul-05 16:29:11

Please God they don't ask you to babysit so they can go out together without you?

I would feel exactly the same, TG, and like you I would want to withdraw completely. Very painful.

tarantula Fri 08-Jul-05 16:30:28

thats probably what Id end up doing too WWW . Can work mind but def not how grownup people would handle it. Ill grow up one day Im sure

MugTreeSpoonFace Fri 08-Jul-05 16:30:47

TG, I've felt like this with one friendship group I kept letting it go and just feeling inwardly rotten. Then one day one of them caught me in a fould mood - said the wrong thing and I think I retorted with some sarky remark which left them knowing exactly how I felt. They each made an effort to contact my seperately but I felt like it was just lip serice to be honest the damage was already done for me and now I just see them occassioanlly. Not best corse of action but can understand how hurt you must be feeling

dinosaur Fri 08-Jul-05 16:32:31

Something similar happened to us when we had DS1 - the couple who we considered to be our best friends basically stopped coming to stay with us and took up palling around with DH's brother and his girlfriend (to whom we had introduced them).

Sadly, the friendship never recovered.

leonardodavinci Fri 08-Jul-05 16:34:20

life is too short to be waiting for answers, next time you see one of them, ask them outright why they don't invite you, you will either get a warm I am sorry I didn't realise or we are busy those days, in which case they are not your true friends.

morningpaper Fri 08-Jul-05 16:37:03

They like each other better than you. It hurts but you have to live with it.

You can either withdraw from them both or swallow your pride and remain friends with both. The latter is the most grown-up thing to do but the most difficult.

I'm in the same situation exactly - other 2 families now go on holiday together and we NEVER are invited any more. It's been about four years. It's tough but they like each other more than me/dp, I have to accept it.


TinyGang Fri 08-Jul-05 17:03:18

Thanks everyone - especially for not saying get over it (although I just should!)

It's bothering the hell out of me, and yes I would dearly love to just withdraw from the situation totally (not mature as MP says, but an attractive solution - loved your post btw, especially the 'bastards') but that would very hard because we are all so enmeshed on a daily basis with school/children etc.

I can feel the occasional cutting comment coming up, but I bite my tongue because I couldn't be doing with an atmosphere, so it rankles away instead. It does annoy me when I feel I'm invited to 'join in' now though - am I supposed to be grateful? - and really I want to say poke it, thanks!

No, I haven't been asked to babysit whilst they see each other, but the thought that that could happen has crossed my mind and I don't think they'd be averse to asking me to if necessary. Wonder what my answer will be!?

I do have other nice friends - I should let this go and stick with them I think! The trouble is - geographically and on a daily basis, these are the ones I see most.

milesysgirl Fri 08-Jul-05 17:36:10

hi there i feel im in a bit of a situation like this at the moment just feel really cut off by a few of my friends who ive known for ages it really pisses my dp partner off cause i sort of take my upset out on him i wish i coud tell them to get lost !!!! there fine when im wit them seperatly but if i do get invited there really pally and i just look like billy no mates!!!! oh well .xx

haven Fri 08-Jul-05 19:07:43

i am confused. are the other friends couples? individuals?

TinyGang Fri 08-Jul-05 19:11:44

Three couples in all, but mainly I see the dw halves which are the friends mentioned here (friends 1 and 2 are the two I especially refer to).

Hermione1 Fri 08-Jul-05 19:17:30

I have been in a similar situation not quite the same. When my dd1 first started school, i got talking to someone i knew from homestart that i used to go to. Anyway, she knew someone else who i also got talking to, reception year great, thought i had made some really good friends. Started working, they said they didn't mind having my kids etc etc, so i did. They got fed up, which i can understand and asked at work if every other week i could come in abit later. Anyway, since started yr1 and me working, i felt like threes a crowd, and they deliberately said things like, 'wasn't lunch in tescos nice this afternoon,' knowing full well, that i hadn't been invited and said it quite loud. i just used to walk and took no notice, also they hardly spoke to me and trying to get conversation out of one say she was on her own, would be so difficult that there'd be an awkward silence. But as soon as friend 2 came along, chatty chatty. There's lots of little things i could go on for ever about, i gave up in the end, i felt like i was at high school again, and you weren't in the 'in' crowd. I spoke to another mum and have since been good friends, and am now getting funny looks because they were quite nasty about this new mum i am talking to. Some people need to grow up.

Hermione1 Fri 08-Jul-05 19:18:07

sorry if i hijacked your thread. got abit carried away.

SecondhandRose Fri 08-Jul-05 19:18:45

Don't worry, I'd feel exactly the same. Have a 'do' with Mums from school but don't invite them, they are bound to find out from other Mums from school.

TinyGang Fri 08-Jul-05 19:27:03

No, Hermione - thanks for posting. It's nice to hear others experiences and pov's. Hurtful though, isn't it? And yes, it does make you feel at school again

Sorry you and others here have had similar problems. Life is complicated enough with the children, without this kind of thing too.

Hermione1 Fri 08-Jul-05 19:28:30

I know, in my case it's like they haven't got much else to do, i really don't know what it is. They still say hello to me, and seem quite happy about the fact that i don't stand with them anymore. But is quite hurtful espcially when you don't konw what you've done to deserve it?.

TinyGang Fri 08-Jul-05 21:16:53


bossykate Fri 08-Jul-05 21:33:58

hi tinygang

i would feel very upset if something like this happened to me.

do you want to continue the friendship on the current basis or move on?

if the latter, i would stop babysitting for them, stop going to the "make up numbers" events and gradually reduce contact with them until it is just a polite hello/goodbye at the school gates. dropping them could occur over a period of time - there wouldn't have to be an "atmosphere".

i don't blame you for being upset. i hope it will help to focus on what you want the outcome to be - also that way you will get back some control.

good luck.

flashingnose Fri 08-Jul-05 21:41:49

TG, I had a very similar problem a few years back. Friend A (my closest friend) and another good friend of mine (who we shall call B ) started working together and became very friendly. With the benefit of hindsight, B actually has much more in common with A than with me but at the time it was incredibly hurtful - it all developed in the same way as your situation. Fortunately, I was able to put some distance (literally) between us and have retained my close friendship with A and a happy but not close friendship with B. A and B remain close friends and they see each other regularly with their DHs and children.

I think you've had some wise words here and your best plan of action would be to remain friendly with both of them but take a step back gently and try and focus on your other friends/interests.

You have my sympathies.

mummycan Wed 13-Jul-05 16:12:35

Another one it's happened to. I was very good friends with A ( kids best friends, even went on holiday together) B joined the group - obvious she really got on with A but I didn't mind. Started seeing each other alot without me - still decided to try to be grown up about it. Asked me to organise a night out and they both cancelled three hours before we were due at the restaurant WITHIN 2 MINUTES OF EACH OTHER. They admitted they had spoken to each other about it. They now go on holidays, weekends away and have each other over at the weekends. I have fallen out BIG time with B over something to do with the kids - basically she now blanks me even though I have tried twice to put things behind us. B is now also VERY good friends with another friend of mine - but they both have DSs so not that unusual. It has taken me a long time to get over it but I am definitely over it now - have made new friends and cultivated new social circle. Like you I felt I should have got over it earlier but I was most upset by A's behaviour as we had been such good friends and I felt so sorry for DD as she lost her best friend but all she was interested in was her new best friend - to be honest I can do without them both.
The reason you are upset TG is that you are a good person who values friendships and would never do this to anyone else - that's why it's hard to get over - you have assumed that everyone is as lovely as you.

Good Luck


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