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i feel such a fool - what should i do?

(22 Posts)
puska Wed 06-Jul-05 00:24:44

was gonna change my name but as i am already feeling so humiliated i though why should i worry about that...

i found out at the begining of the year that dh was logging onto online dating agencies - pretending he was single. to cut a long story short he considered what he was doing was a bit of fun and that it wasnt real life so in his eyes he wasn't doing anything wrong.

I personally felt completely violated, in my eyes i felt as though he had been unfaithfull, after much heartache we put it behind us and i thought things were ok...

Clearly they are not as I have again found out this evening that he has been doing it again , tbh i am feeling completely numb not even angry because i just dont know what to do.

any advice anyone - has anyone else experienced this....

Chandra Wed 06-Jul-05 01:23:17

I think it's only natural that you feel that way, I'm sure your DH would feel exactly the same if you were visiting those sites but for some reason some men are so daft that they are not able to see the problem from the perspective of the other person. I think that I found DH doing the same my first wish would be to smash the computer on his head. Having said that, in the past I have noticed that DH or the preceeding ex were interested in other women at some point, at the time I was very clear and spoke to them in a tone that seemed like a joke but I made it clear that I was talking business, I said that even though I understood that they may have those kind of "interests" way that they should be aware that I would not be prepared to accept it, that if they wanted to leave they were welcomed to do it as soon as they wished, as I was not going to put up with those sort of things, that it didn't matter that I loved them to bits because I knew wouldn't be able to trust them again, ever, because I loved myself far more than I loved them, and I owed more respect to myself than to the relationship.

It worked like a charm in both occasions, and the problem was uprooted before it became a serious problem.

puska Wed 06-Jul-05 10:02:47

thanks chandra, i hardly slept at all last night, unfortunately i fear that his problem is already serious .

any daytimers out there with experience of this sort of thing? tia

charleepeters Wed 06-Jul-05 10:05:36

I would certanly feel the same as you if i found out dp was doing this. - i dont have much advice but you should defantly tak to him and tell him you feel like you do and that although he may find it harmless its upsetting you.

Mum2girls Wed 06-Jul-05 10:26:18

No i don't, but I have a friend who used these online dating agencies (she was single at the time) and she said they were very addictive and quite thrilling because you could adopt a persona completely different from that in real life. She said that at times she found herself acting very flirtatiously because she knew she wouldn't have to suffer any unwelcome consequences.

I think your Dh needss to examine why he's doing this.

I also think he needs to repect your feelings and understand that just because it's 'faceless', doesn't make it harmless or right.

Tessiebear Wed 06-Jul-05 10:30:26

Am really sorry puska - has he actually MET anyone - or is it all on the net??????
I think a lot of men enjoy the titilation and the anonymity of the whole thing - and find it a turn on etc - but DONT consider it being unfaithful. It is just a question of whether it is ok with you

Tessiebear Wed 06-Jul-05 10:32:11

The other question is - if he ISNT actually meeting anyone etc - is it much different to looking at porn on the internet??? Or internet chat rooms???
Obviously if it was a bit deal to you then it IS a problem IYSWIM

Tessiebear Wed 06-Jul-05 10:32:42

Sorry "big deal"

Bugsy2 Wed 06-Jul-05 10:42:29

puska, having internet dated myself, I am only too aware of how many "married" men there are who internet date just for the thrill of it. Some of them I dated, until I discovered they were married.
I think it is unacceptable for your dh to do this. I do think it is different to porn as he is actually getting involved with other women - and to say it isn't "real" is actually rubbish.
However, how you actually get him to stop is another matter. Some men seem to benefit from a damn good telling off and the mother of all threats being held over their head. Other men you have to deal with using more cunning methods.
It is definitely not on in my book, and definitely not good for your relationship.
Best of luck

Fio2 Wed 06-Jul-05 10:43:00

I would be upset too. i would feel like torching the conmputer tbh

mydhdidthistoo Wed 06-Jul-05 10:47:03

Hello puska. I'm a regular poster and have changed my name to protect my DH's privacy. He did exactly what your DH is doing. He even emailed some of the women on the dating and swingers websites he'd been visiting. He's a very devoted and loving husband and when I accidentally found out about this I was gobsmacked and very very angry and hurt.

He was apologetic. He swore he never would have actually done anything but I don't agree. I think it would have been a natural progression to take each step as it came and follow through to actually meeting someone and having sex with them.

I insisted he go with me to Relate, which he readily did. We went every week for several months and he did learn to open up a little more. I thought he truly understood what a big deal it was. Our counsellor at Relate explained that this behaviour feels exactly the same as an affair to the injured party. I told my DH that if it ever happened again we were finished.

I asked him now and again after that if he ever felt tempted to do the same again and he always said no. Nevertheless he did do it again a year or two later - he started to get sucked in again and once again I stumbled across this on our computer.

I, like you, didn't know what to do. I felt he was forcing us apart - that I had no choice but to separate from him if I'd never feel I could trust him in the future. But after I'd thought about it for a few days I realised that I loved him dearly and wasn't ready to give up yet. Another factor that influenced me was that he was very stressed and seemed to be nearing a nervous breakdown. I couldn't abandon him when he needed me most.

We'd recently fallen out really badly with his parents, and he was silently falling apart inside, while trying to keep everything going in a stressful job and through some problems we had had in the extended family. He found a psychiatrist in the yellow pages and took himself to her. And he remained in therapy for about a year. Only in proper psychotherapy did he learn the reasons for his behavioural patterns. And this time he really did open up to me. It turned out that much of his emotional turmoil was a result of the way he was brought up and that he was handling things in a way his own father typically would. Therapy helped him to see that he was following these ingrained patterns without even realising it. He's now learned new ways of dealing with stress that bring us closer together, instead of turning to outside our relationship for relief from everyday stresses. He's learned not to be so worried about his job and to focus on family life, that will always be here when his job is over and he retires.

If your DH is prepared to do whatever it takes to uncover the reasons for his behaviour then I would say stick with him and help him get through this. Only since therapy does my DH really understand that his actions would have undoubtedly have led to his meeting and having sex with the women he was emailing. Before he was quite happily kidding himself that it was all harmless fun as long as no one found out.

puska Wed 06-Jul-05 12:59:10

just a quick post as im at work, i will check post properly when i get home about 4ish.

Thank you all for your replies it means alot to me.

He is email/msn/webcam chat with them, i also found out he is corresponding with them via his work address - he is currently on a 6mth posting which doesnt help me - what a mess

Bugsy2 Wed 06-Jul-05 13:52:12

puska, you say your H is on 6 month posting, which may mean he is in the forces. There were alot of forces boys on the internet dating sites. Most usually said upfront that they were married and only looking to chat.
If it is just flirty banter - although not particularly wonderful - it is probably not marriage threatening.

Listmaker Wed 06-Jul-05 14:03:50

My exp was on-line chatting up women and pretending I and our dds didn't exist to them. I think it is totally out of order and will probably eventually lead to meeting someone and a proper affair. But to me it's still a betrayal.

In my case I then found out he was also having a proper affair with a woman at work as well.

You dh is probably no where near as useless as my exp but you need to get this sorted.

puska Wed 06-Jul-05 15:50:26

home now

puska Wed 06-Jul-05 15:56:09

mydhdidthistoo - thanks for being so honest with me, i have been looking at the relate website which seems to hit the nail on the head - i guess i will have to wait till he comes home to sort something out.

it is definately more than flirting - i have seen his emails when i read the stuff he's written it makes me feel sick

blueteddy Wed 06-Jul-05 16:36:43

Oh puska you poor thing, no wonder you are angry.
What he has done is totally unacceptable & although he hasn't met up with any of these woman it is not harmless at all, he has betrayed you.
I would be furious & it must be so frustrating that you can not have it out with him here & now!
Have it all ready in your head for when you speak to him tonight & let him know how discusted you are & how much this has hurt you.
Take care.xxx

mydhdidthistoo Wed 06-Jul-05 19:34:49

I look at mumsnet every day puska and will keep an eye on this thread if you want to chat with me again.

blueteddy Thu 07-Jul-05 15:40:52

How r u today puska?

Blu Thu 07-Jul-05 15:42:10

Puska - thinking of you, this must be truly horrible for you.

blueteddy Thu 07-Jul-05 15:51:16

Did you get to talk to him again last night?

dinosaur Fri 08-Jul-05 16:04:04

I'm really sorry to see this puska. I don't think I've got anything useful to say, but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

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