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Why can't they leave my boy alone?

(12 Posts)
Maddison Mon 04-Jul-05 08:47:38

I can't believe I've started this thread. I have thought about it for so long and still don't know exactly what to write, but here goes....

I have 2 sons, DS1 who is 4 and DS2 who is 7 weeks. DS1 is very sociable and loves to play but it gets to the point where he can play quite roughly if he gets too excited. The problem is my mums DP and the things he says to/about DS1. She has been with him for just over a year and has hardly made any effort to get to know us (he's not the visiting type) although mum has taken DS1 to his house quite a lot. Just like most men in our family, he plays with DS1 and gets him over excited, he makes quite a bit of noise and then mums DP will tell him to 'shut up or I'll pull your head off' He gets him making noise in the first place ffs.

Yesterday was my nieces christening and at the party afterwards, we had just stepped foot in the hall and mums DP said, in a loud voice 'you should have called him demon, not (DS1's name)' it was awful, and put DH and I in a real bad mood. I have also heard him telling DS1 that he is evil and a terror and although he says these things in jest, it's really upsetting me. I don't think he should be saying things like this to my 4 year old.

Also at the party mums neighbour asked when DS1 starts school, I told him in September and immediately he said 'I bet you get hauled in a few times to see the headmaster about him' FGS give him chance to start school!

I need to speak to mum about her DP's behaviour towards DS1 but I don't know what to say. I don't want to jepordise our relationship with her. I've already mentioned it to her once and she told him to watch what he says to DS1 as he repeats, but he has carried on doing it. DH wants him to have nothing more to do with our DS's.

Why can't they leave him alone???

gigglinggoblin Mon 04-Jul-05 09:00:41

i would say to your mum again that her dp is upsetting you and ds and if it doesnt stop then you will stop contact between ds and her dp (not her). unfortunately, some people are just like that and think they are incredibly funny without even realising they are causing offence. would it be worth mentioning it to him? then your mum isnt in the middle and there is every chance he will be genuinly sorry, doesnt sound like he wants to upset anyone, just that he thinks little boys are mischeivous and its funny to go on about it.

mytwopenceworth Mon 04-Jul-05 09:01:43

no adult should act that way towards a child. its not on at all.

the point is do YOU feel your son's behaviour needs addressing, not does some bloke who hardly knows him and gets him overexcited then cant cope with the fallout!!

Boys ARE rough (I've got the bruises to prove it!) and you hype up any child and they are going to go bonkers!! so is this bloke suggesting that your child has some actual problem or something??

Maddison Mon 04-Jul-05 09:57:25

Hi, thanks for your replies.

GG - The only time I see mums dp is when we attend a social engagement or for a brief time at my mums. I'd like to say something to him but I don't want to put him on the spot in front of ANYONE, not even mum. So therefor I can't really say anything.

MTPW - I don't think there's anything wrong with DS's behaviour, like I said, all the men in our family play rough with DS1, mums dp started playing rough too, just I think he takes it too far at the wrong time then says these horrible things, but yesterday at the party, his comment came with no provocation at all. So I feel the one with the problem is mums dp. He isn't like this with my 5 year old niece so why act like this towards my 4 yo son?

Twiglett Mon 04-Jul-05 10:06:02

if you don't tell him he's upsetting you and your DS how on earth will he know

he is probably a typical older generation male who believes that children should have impeccable behaviour no matter how they are wound up

it is your responsibility to address this issue head on I really think you should follow GG's advice

Marina Mon 04-Jul-05 10:09:01

Agree with Twiglett. The adult is the one whose behaviour needs altering here.
Continuous negative comments about a child's so-called "naughtiness" might encourage the little lad to play up excessively because being a demon is what is expected of him by this man

jampots Mon 04-Jul-05 10:10:46

when dh harps on about our children being noisy/annoying/messy etc I find it helps to ask him what he was like as a child/teen. Obviously he doesnt remember accurately how bad he was so its quite nice to ask his mum how bad he was. Makes him humble for a few weeks at least! . Does your mum's dp have children of his own?

mytwopenceworth Mon 04-Jul-05 10:45:38

maddison, wasnt saying your son has a problem. was meaning that it is up to YOU to decide if your son had a problem - not this bloke to suggest it as he seemed from your post to be doing. and was saying that boys are rough thats just boys and you reap what you sow in terms of roughness!! and was asking if this bloke was trying to suggest that he thought your son had a problem.

just to clarify, cos it seemed from your reply that you thought i was meaning that your son had a problem!!

mears Mon 04-Jul-05 10:58:30

Maddison - this guy has no right to speak to/about your son like this. You should perhaps speak to him or your mum about it.

As a mother of 3 sons I would also encourage the menfolk of your family not to play rough with him, especially as he is near school age. Everyone thinks it is fun till the point the child 'hurts' them back. My BIL encouraged his son to play rough games all the time then he had problems at school because that was how he played with his friends.

Perhaps you could tackle it with mum's DP by saying that you don't want anyone to be winding DS with rough games?

Caligula Mon 04-Jul-05 11:43:55

I hate stupid men who wind kids up to a frenzy of excitement and are then surprised and irritated that they don't then calm down immediately they want them to.

Sympathies Maddison. I'd speak to your mum about it and say to her that the reason you're talking to her, is because you don't want to upset her DP or have an argument with him and she knows him best so she knows the best approach, but it's annoying you and DH so much that you really want something to be said by someone and you'd rather it came from her because then it won't be hurtful. Something like that?

AnnaInManchester Mon 04-Jul-05 11:47:24

That is not on at all. What a horrid man! I would have a word with your mum and say although u dont want to offend her, her dp's comments are really upsetting and are also upsetting ds.

Maddison Mon 04-Jul-05 13:38:59

MTPW - I knew what you meant in your post, now that I've re-read mine I can see why you thought I misunderstood yours

I think I'll speak to my mum and see how she'd feel if I went and spoke to her dp myself.

Thanks everybody for taking the time to reply to my thread, you've all given me ideas on how to handle the situation and it's very much appreciated

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