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My DH is leaving me

(15 Posts)
purplepumpkin Sun 03-Jul-05 10:36:58

After a terrible year of non-stop arguements, my DH has finally thrown the towel in and has told me he is leaving. We have three children aged 6 and under.

TBH it's a relief at the moment as things have been miserable for so long. I like to think that we can both be adult about it, but what on earth do I do now? We own our house with a fairly sizeable mortgage, have no savings and I don't work. I know I could trawl the archives but TBH, I can't face it .

Any advice much appreciated.

rickman Sun 03-Jul-05 10:42:08

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purplepumpkin Sun 03-Jul-05 10:44:53

Numb and relieved - is that dreadful?

He's going to leave, yes. Doesn't know where he's going to go yet. We certainly can't afford to pay for this house and rent on a flat for him, so I guess we'll have to sell the house. This is a nightmare.

WideWebWitch Sun 03-Jul-05 10:47:39

purplepumkin, sorry this is happening to you. You should stay in the house and ask him to continue to make payments and yes, you should see a solicitor at some point, but you don't have to do anything right now, especially as you must both be feeling very unhappy.

purplepumpkin Sun 03-Jul-05 10:50:28

I know this sounds dreadful, but I think once this is sorted that we'll actually be a lot happier than we have been for some time. I think he'll be a better father for not living with his children - does that make sense?

How do I best explain things to them? Will they be OK? DS is 6, moody and violent - this is going to tip him over the edge isn't it?

purplepumpkin Sun 03-Jul-05 11:23:10


rickman Sun 03-Jul-05 11:58:37

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spidermama Sun 03-Jul-05 12:01:38

Purple I knew a moody aggressive boy. The dparture of his Dad when he was 5 was the making of him. He still sees his dad all the time, but the ension has eased consdierably. Now the other kids at school are no longer scared of him and it clearly has been for the best.
Good luck.

purplepumpkin Sun 03-Jul-05 20:51:47

Thanks for your messages. DH is still here and backtracking madly but I'm not sure I want this anymore. Will post again tomorrow when he's not here.

Any more input appreciated - I feel I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.

Listmaker Mon 04-Jul-05 13:39:01

PP - I have been on my own for 5 years and although it hasn't been easy I don't regret it at all. Living with constant rows and moods is so hard. You will get through and manage fine I'm sure. Do you have any family nearby that can support you? My parents have been great and it would have been really hard without them. Especially as my exp hasn't had anything to do with us (physically or financially) for 4 years.

I'd see a solicitor (you can usually get a free initial consultation) to see where you stand. You should be able to stay in the house if you have the kids unless there was a lot of equity so you could both buy somewhere I think. But I'm no lawyer and we weren't married so things were different.

Don't let him backtrack if you've made your mind up - it's just delaying the inevitably really. Unless you think you could save things with some counselling or something??

Good luck anyway!

purplepumpkin Mon 04-Jul-05 14:02:49

Thank you listmaker - it's helpful to hear from people who have come out the other side IYKWIM. TBH, I've been staying "for the children" for too long now and rickman, I think you're right, ds is picking up on the constant rows, silences and general atmosphere and expressing his unhappiness the only way he knows how.

We had a big chat last night and I think DH was shocked that I was prepared to let him go without a fight. He is the typical "boy who cried wolf" and he has cried it once too often. He's said he'll come to Relate which is positive - he refused to even consider it a few months ago. I hope it'll help me clarify what to do for the best. I shocked myself last night when he was crying in front of me and begging me to hug him and I just couldn't .

nearly40 Mon 04-Jul-05 14:58:18

Just wanted to add my support. Like Listmaker I have come out the other end and like her I don't regret a thing. It was my dh's decision to go but looking back it was for the best. I am still on my own but the children have adapted well and I have developed a good network of friends. We had been unhappy for a long time and sometimes there just is not any point in flogging a dead horse. Romantic relationships can come to an end but I am on fairly good terms with ex dh who sees the kids regularly. This is not to encourage you to split up however, I am all in favour of relate if you think it will help. Once you have made your mind up however I think it is best to be firm however hard that is. Good luck

Listmaker Mon 04-Jul-05 15:09:19

Hello Nearly40! Not found a man on the internet yet then .

Well PP I hope the Relate helps one way or the other. You sound really strong and I'm sure you'll work things out somehow and move onwards and upwards even if you decide to call it a day.

nearly40 Tue 05-Jul-05 16:20:04

Hi Listmaker. (Apologies for thread hijack). Had a dalliance with someone local which was a diversion. However nothing serious and he was certainly not "relationship" material (good in the sack however!!). Open to offers but actually quite enjoying life at present just with the kids. They give me so much and can be relied on - unlike some guys. Hope all is well with your lovely dp and his ex!!

Bugsy2 Tue 05-Jul-05 16:30:02

purplepumpkin, so sorry for what you are going through at the moment. I've just come out the other side of a separation and a divorce. It isn't fun, you do end up financially worse off but I know that I am happier at the end of it.
Happy to help with any practical queries, if I possibly can.
Bigs hugs to you.

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